A mother's sacrifice

Mother took another swig out of her bottle.

“I’m sorry, mother…”

“No Gardenia, It’s ok, really. Second place in class is good already! Come to mama” said mother with a smile.

“Ok mama… I’ll try harder next time” I approached mother slowly. I could still smell the booze radiating off her body.

Suddenly, Mother took the empty bottle and gripped it hard in her hands. She held it tight and smashed it over the edge of the coffee table. She stood up and leaned closer to me with the top half of the bottle in her hand.

The next few moments passed by in a daze. I felt a sharp, burning sensation in my right eye. My vision started to blur and i hit the floor with a thud.

“2nd is good enough, but Marina would never, would she, Gardenia?”

I gasped for air, just managing to whisper, “No, mama”.

“Hello Ms! I’m here to drop off Marina! She’s been home for a week due to a small injury from sports. She’s so clumsy! Anyways, I trust she will catch up, right Marina?”

“Hm..?”

“Right, Marina?” said mother, her jaw clenching.

“…Oh. Yes, Mama.”

“Well, Gardenia, we have a little quiz today again, so you’re just in time!”

This is how it always seems to go…

I grabbed the pen tightly in my fist. The eye patch was making it hard to see, but it covered the cuts left from the glass. Everything was spinning. I couldn’t read anything on my paper. I tried to stabilize myself.

“Marina wouldn’t be like this… She would just power through” I mumbled to myself. I gripped the edge of the desk tightly, trying hard to ignore the pulsating feeling in my eye.

I somehow finally reached the final question, and just as I was about to circle ‘C’, I dropped to the floor.

“Yes, Ms Rose, Marina suddenly collapsed during our weekly exam…”

“Oh dear. So unfortunate. But, I do have a question.”

“I apoligise, but I wasn’t in the room when she fainted, so I don’t really have much other information regarding the matter.”

“That will be no problem. My question was going to be, how did she do on this quiz.”

“T-The quiz? I mean, she topped the class. She got a 19/20!”

“Oh, I see. Well, for the time being, i’ll let Marina take a small break from school till she does better.”

“Get into the car.”

I reached for the car door and got into the back passenger seat.

“…”

“Are you pleased, Mama? I-I got full marks this time!”

The car stopped abrubtly.

“Why would i be happy,” said mother coldly, “Are you really stupid enough to think that a 19 out of 20 is good?”

Mother turned around to face me. A look of pure disgust and regret was on her face.

SMACK

It’s ok. Mother has done so much. She just wants the best for me and doesn’t know how to show it…

present day

I struggled to put the contact in my right eye. It was fully healed now, apart from the fact the i now possesed a white pupil. Adjusting the angle of my finger, I finally got it to stick to my eye.

“Marina!” called mother.

I cleared my throat. “Yes, mama?”

“Come on! You’re going to be late for your first day of high school!”

“I’m coming!” I let out a sigh. I quickly straightened my back and adjusted a loose strand of hair. Marina’s hair was always perfect, no matter the situation.

I slowly made my way down the stairs.

Mother gasped when she saw me. Her hand slid through my newly dyed brown hair, slow and deliberate, like she was smoothing down the wig of a mannequin.

“You look just like Marina on her first day of high school,” she said softly. “Perfect.”

I forced a smile. “Thank you, Mama.”

That sentence stung a little, but it was fine. I looked down at my previously pale, white hair that I was born with, but Marina wasn’t. Mother looked at me with a tenderness that I rarely saw.

The drive to school was silent except for Mother’s occasional hums of approval whenever she saw me through the rearview mirror.

“You’re sitting straighter today,” she said. “Marina always had excellent posture.”

I straightened even more.

“She never slouched. Never slipped up. Never embarrassed me. She was always perfect”

I nodded. “I’ll be good for you, Mama.”

“You’ll be perfect, like Marina,” she corrected.

The correction stung, but i said nothing

Mother wanted what was best for me.

She just didn’t know how to show it.

That’s what I told myself, always.

The school gates felt intimidating. The polished metal shone brightly, and the students did too.

I stepped out of the car carefully, adjusting my bag straps the way Marina supposedly used to; pulling the right shoulder forward by exactly 1 inch .

Mother leaned out the window.

“Remember,” she said, “remeber who you are.”

Not be yourself.

Never.

I was representing her.

I was her.

I nodded, and she drove off.

The moment her car disappeared, the world felt too loud.

I took a breath and stepped into the hallway.

It was lunchtime, the part of the day i dreaded the most. I would have no one to sit with. That was wrong. Marina was always surrounded by people. She was the center of attention always. My breathing suddenly felt more heavy and laboured. What if mother found out that i wasnt like marina?“Hey, are you okay?”

I turned. A girl with warm eyes and sharp features stood behind me.

There was something steady about her gaze, something that made me feel seen in a way I wasn’t prepared for. Like she actually wanted to know what i thought.

“I’m Diana,” she said. “You’re new, right? I think i saw you in my math class.”

I nodded. “I’m… Marina.”

The name came out stiff, like it didn’t belong to me.

Diana’s expression shifted — not confused, but curious, like she’d heard something off in the way I said it.

“Are you?” she said gently.

My breath caught. No one had ever asked that. They just accepted the fact and moved on.

No one had ever listened closely enough to hear the strain.

She stepped a little closer, lowering her voice.

“Every time you say that your name is ‘marina’, you stiffen up. It like you’re performing a character. Is that really your name?”

The hallway noise faded.

My heartbeat filled the silence.

“What’s your real name?” she asked.

Real.

The word hit me like a blow.

I opened my mouth, but the lie stuck in my throat.

My hands trembled. My chest tightened.

“It’s…Gardenia,” I whispered. The name hit me. It was mine but not mine at the same time

Diana’s face softened instantly. Like she’d been waiting for me to say it.

“That’s a nice name. It suits you,” she said. “It feels like you.”

Her smile wasn’t sharp or demanding like Mother’s.

It was unforced.

And for the first time in 11 years, I felt like a person instead of a replica.

Weeks passed.

Diana became the only place where I could be myself. Where i could be imperfect, but still wanted.

She guided me through crowded hallways with a hand on the small of my back, steady and reassuring.

She sat with me during classes.

She let me be with her big friend group, always keeping me close, always making sure I had space to speak if I wanted to.

When my eye ached, she brushed my hair back with careful fingers.

And she said my real name like it was something fragile she was protecting.

“I like you,” she whispered one afternoon, brushing her thumb across my cheek.

“I like you too,” I breathed.

And for once, I meant it without fear, not wondering what Marina would do.

But Mother noticed something was off about me.

She always did.

“You’ve been… different,” she said one night, her voice with a coldness that was too familiar. “Less focused. Less like Marina.”

“I’m trying my best, Mama.”

“Trying…” Her smile was thin. “Marina never had to try.”

She stepped closer, looking at me carefully.

“Who is she?”

My heart stopped.

Mother’s voice softened.

“You’re mine.I reshaped you. I fixed you. I made you Marina again.”

Her hand cupped my cheek.

“Don’t throw that away for some girl who doesn’t understand you like i do.”

She couldn’t have been more wrong there.

The next day, Diana found me behind the gym.

“What happened?” she asked, kneeling in front of me.

I broke.

I told her everything.

The way I believed Mother loved me.

The way I feared that she didn’t.

Diana’s eyes filled with tears.

“Gardenia… she’s not good for you”

I shook my head. “She wants what’s best for me.”

“No,” Diana whispered, gripping my hands. “She wants what’s best for her. You’re her replacement for Marina because she doesn’t want to deal with her loss.”

The truth stung.

“Run away with me,” Diana said suddenly. “You don’t have to be Marina anymore.”

For a moment, I imagined it.

A life where I was Gardenia.

But Mother knew. She always did

That night, she waited for me in the living room.

“Sit.”

She didn’t yell.

She didn’t hit me.

She didn’t even look angry.

She looked regretful.

“I saw you with her,” she said quietly. “She’s making you weak. She’s making Marina weak”

I swallowed.

“She’s making you forget Marina, forget who you really are.”

Her voice softened, almost tender, and she smiled.

“You want my love, don’t you? You don’t want me to be disappointed in you then.”

I nodded.

“Then you know what you must do.”

The next morning, Diana waited behind the gym, smiling when she saw me.

But her smile soon faded.

Tears burned my eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

She reached for me, but I stepped back.

“My mother needs me,” I said. “She’s trying her best. She just wants what’s best for me. She’s done so much”

Diana’s voice cracked. “Gardenia, you know that’s not true.”

But I had already convinced myself it was.

Because the alternative, that Mother never loved me, only Marina was too painful to face.

So I walked away.

Mother was waiting by the car, smiling proudly.

“There’s my Marina. Perfect, as you should be.”

Mother stroked my hair tenderly

I swallowed the ache in my chest.

“Yes, Mama.”

But as I got into the car, Diana’s voice echoed in my head.

“What’s your real name?”

And the worst part was,

I had finally found someone who wanted Gardenia, not Marina, but me.

But I chose to beMarina.

Because I still believed the biggest lie of my life.

Mother wants what’s best for me.

She cares for me, thats why she does what she does

Even though deep down, I knew:

She only wants Marina.

And I will never be her.