Liminal Space

Today is October 1st and Maya is now one more year away from the people who left her. No, in truth she did the leaving. Did she ever say goodbye to them is a question of the heart but the sheer thought of revisiting her past triggered something in her like that of an allergic reaction. If only she could completely wash off all her horrible life experiences with soap and put it in the washing machine, she would. Down to every minute and every second. She is young. Her whole life is supposedly ahead of her but she is also on the brink of being thrown into complete numbness if someone were to remind her that she is real.

It's already been six years since Maya left her hometown, the streets she grew up on drastically changed with the seasons and so did her parents. Now she can't help but notice the wrinkles on her father's face deepening with every video call yet Maya can only do what she does best, avoid. Isn't she almost pathetic?

"Will you come home next summer?" asked her dad.

"Probably not... it's better to stay here and work for the summer," she said. The exact same excuse she gave her parents every year to avoid visiting home.

Her dad then started reminiscing back to the summers they've spent together when she was still living at home.

That version of me doesn't exist anymore, I hate it when people keep bringing her up.

Maya could hear her dad struggling to soothe the tension he hadn't meant to create. He wished to stay on the call longer talking to his daughter, but Maya wished to hang up and carry on with her day. As it seems, only her days are worth rushing for.

She once was a bright child who was so deeply involved in this transitory world yet now she is stuck in this liminal space of nowhere where her days see no sense of urgency.

Of course, she was only a kid when she first moved to a foreign country with no one to lean on. Betrayal, heartbreak, disappointment, broken dreams and traumatic events had been the themes of her recent years. She got out of three major friendship breakups and faced two major relationship endings yet none of them completely broke her. None stopped her from getting up in the morning. None! at least not individually.

"Your total is $7.50, would you like to pay cash or card?"

Maya was broken away from her hazy state and brought back to reality.

"Card please."

The air outside was chilling, every breath of cold air was a reminder of another year that has gone to waste. "If only I did what I had to do for the last couple years. HOW INFURIATING..." Maya suddenly started to feel her heart pulsating. That was her cue to escape again.

She strolled down the street with music blasting in her ears, hoping to go back to her apartment and enjoy the Black Forest cake she just bought. The discomfort from having to think of her future and what it holds worried her enormously, but today is not the day she will deal with it. In fact, there hasn't been a single day in the last six years that seemed appropriate for her to visit this topic.

"The money is running out, when would you be able to help us a little financially?" the voice of her mother lingers in Maya's head.

She then told herself:

"It's okay I will be able to get myself out of this situation soon. Let me enjoy this cake first and I will come up with a brilliant plan."

Many people had been cruel to Maya, hence the avoidant state of mind she finds refuge in. But she had been the cruelest to herself. She locked herself so deeply away from all the opportunities that awaited her just because it felt too suffocating to deal with at the moment. Now look at her, she let go of everything yet the bottled up lies that prevent her future from settling still remain.

Maya wasn't the type to chase opportunities, but she wasn't the type to be shattered by small setbacks either. However, the lingering presence of the truth of her situation was enough to take her down fully. The loving gaze of her father was the worst. His eyes were so full of love and devotion towards her but to Maya it was a trigger just enough to bring up the uneasy feelings of guilt, regret and self loathing. All the sacrifices her parents made to sustain this reckless lifestyle of hers. Like the years her mother had to work double shifts or when her father refused to buy himself something new or expensive and sent the money to Maya instead.

She now understands that for one to completely waste her youth away, they don't need to develop extremely hazardous habits. "Avoidance". One word and a whole lot of effort to run away from reality was enough to cost her materialistically and emotionally. In the blink of an eye, she is not the eighteen year old girl with one suitcase and a whole lot of dreams anymore. She is turning twenty-five today with a room filled with piles of clothes on the floor and absolutely no sense of direction where she is headed.

Please put an end to this.

ENOUGH MAYA!!! IT IS FINALLY TIME TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS

PLEASE MAYA. RELIEVE ME OF THIS CONSTANT STATE OF WORRY

I too like others want to have hope for my future, I am tired of running away. 

Maya's thoughts kept rummaging through everything that went wrong over the course of the years and she couldn't seem to find the lock to that liminal space anymore. The longer she sat with her thoughts, the clearer it all became. She was still the little girl whom her father loved to talk about, it just had been hidden underneath it all.

Tomorrow, October 2nd, Maya will wake up and call her parents. No, she picked up the phone and dialled her father's number right away. Her phone screen lit showing 11:13PM, and for the first time in years she was the caller.