You Never Forget Your First Kiss

“That movie was sick.” It was the most perfect night as Tyler and I walked with our Coldstone ice cream – he with something chocolate and I with Birthday Cake Remix, obviously.

“I know,” I said. “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were so perfect in it, you really start to believe that they were a married couple.”

“Yea, except they were spies.” Tyler, though factually accurate, looked like a dog begging for recognition that he was, in fact, a good boy, all of which reminded me that Tyler was just as dumb as his fellow thirteen year olds. I, also thirteen but already knowing my role, smiled and placated him.

“Angeline Jolie is so hot,” Tyler said.

“She’s so hot,” I replied. Wait, no. I can’t say that. Can I say that? I mean she is, it’s a fact, and Tyler (as we all know) appreciates being factually accurate. But girls can’t say that. Right?

“I mean Brad Pitt. He’s so hot.” That’s a good cover. I pivoted: “We have to finish our Coldstone before my dad picks us up.”

“Wait,” said Tyler. Oh god I think it’s coming. “There’s something I want to do before your dad comes.” Oh no. I mean, oh yes? If this is what I think it is then I’ll have good news to tell Jessica when I get home.

“You have some ice cream on your lip,” said Tyler. First of all, no I don’t. I am a clean eater. I organize my jelly pens in my Lisa Frank pouch and all of my subjects are color coded (math is red, obviously). My polos are all neatly hung up in my closet, although I think I gotta go up a size because they’re getting tighter, which I don’t really like. I get that this is all part of becoming an adult, but I kinda wish that I could skip this part – that one day I would wake up as an adult and know exactly how my body works and not smell because I use fancy adult deodorant and I’ll have a husband and I’ll actually like him. But I learned in church that you have to give people grace. Tyler is one of the coolest kids in school and one of the only guys who can actually play soccer on my level. Jessica was so jealous that Tyler asked me out on a date, which made me realize that this was a big deal so I acted like it. Jessica is funny like that. She’s so dramatic, but it’s in such a way that makes you laugh.

Tyler’s eyes are closed and he’s leaning in. Oh god do we all look this dumb when we kiss? Wait, this is actually a big deal. People who have never been kissed should be excited for their first kiss, especially from the popular soccer player who has a ping pong table in his garage.

I close my eyes and lean in. Under the soft glow of the street light in our little suburban town, Tyler and I embraced with puckered lips. This is it? This is what people are always talking about? He leaned back with a sly smile.

“Woah,” he said.

“Wanna do that again?” I asked, because I know it sounded like something Angelina Jolie would say and also I wanted to see if my second kiss would feel different.

After we pecked some more, my dad picked us up, Tyler leaving that stench of Axe body spray lingering in the minivan. When I got home, I ran upstairs to my bedroom and told my mom not to use the phone. I had to tell Jessica everything.

“Say that again my fair lady, you did what now?” Jessica heard me the first time, but she’s just so theatrical.

“We kissed.” My sentence was followed by the shrieks of an excited best friend, followed by her exclaiming that she was “clutching her pearls” in a Transatlantic accent.

“How did it feel? What was it like? Tell me everything!” How did it feel? It felt weird and gross and empty. In every movie, the big kiss is supposed to be hot and romantic. I feel like everyone watching could easily jump into the screen and I’ll just be stuck in the audience. I bet it’s easy for Brad Pitt to kiss Angelina Jolie, with her pretty hair and big lips and all. Maybe I’ll just tell Jessica about the movie.

“It was like fireworks, Jessica, let me tell you. He put his hand in my hair (lie) and pulled me into him (lie) and planted his big juicy lips on mine. I would kiss her again and again if he’d let me.”

Jessica is going on and on about how great this is and how he’s so popular and so hot. I guess she is right. I know I’m supposed to feel as excited as she is. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I’m not a lesbian though. Lesbians are weird and goth and wear Birkenstocks and are smelly, and I am certainly not like that. Lesbians have short hair like Ellen, who I only know about because my dad watched a 60 Minutes about her. Plus, the government says don’t ask don’t tell, but I have nothing to tell because I’m not a big fat lesbo. I just had my first kiss with the most popular boy in school and that confirms that I’m straight.

But maybe it’s okay if I didn’t feel anything kissing Tyler. I bet a lot of people don’t feel things when they kiss a guy. And that’s totally fine. Angelina Jolie probably didn’t feel anything when she married Brad Pitt in the movie because she was a spy. I could just live my whole life like that. Gosh Jessica would just love this movie.

“The movie was fantastic by the way. Wanna see it with me next weekend?”

“Definitely, I’d love to!” said Jessica.

Oh yea, I felt something.