Ouija Me

Look, I’m not a stand up kinda guy. I’m weak-minded, lazy, and selfish but obviously self aware. There’s one thing though that I decided I would never do and never have. I will never play with a Ouija board. It’s not for any religious reasons. I’m atheist and don’t believe in angels nor demons. I’ve been very proud of keeping that one rule for as long as I have. But I am especially weak-minded when I get attention from pretty women, and Sharlene is gorgeous.

At some point, her circle of friends started hanging with my circle of friends. We went to the same bars, clubs, and parties. Her friends are certainly hot too, but something about Sharlene made me think about her when she wasn’t around even though I had never even talked to her. When I did, it was easy to have a conversation with her. She made me feel confident and important. So when she asked me to join her playing with a Ouija board at a Halloween party, I said to myself, “Fuck it. Why not?”

I’ll let you know right now that it resulted in a catastrophic mistake, and I now believe in demons.

Preparing for that party was difficult because I had no idea what costume to wear. My friends were no help because they kept pitching things like SpongeBob, Hitler, and naughty nurse. I considered something cute like a teddy bear, something funny like an inflatable dinosaur, or something masculine like a biker. I didn’t want her to think I was gay or something. I ended up in jeans with my superman t-shirt. It turned out to be more of a costume than any of my friends. Few guys were wearing one. My favorite was the guy in the inflatable dinosaur costume. What a great choice, man. I should’ve gone with that then we could have had dino fights. Damn.

The first of Sharlene’s friend group entered as a naughty nurse followed by Sharlene as a naughty cop. There was a naughty cat and mouse as well as some other naughty animals and professions. This is why I love Halloween! All the boobs and butts! Sharlene’s outfit came complete with handcuffs. Later I learned there was no key.

After a few drinks, I got up the nerve to talk to her. As I headed her way, another guy just started flirting with her. It looked so easy and casual. He didn’t have to work up the nerve for anything. I detoured towards the kitchen to make it look like I wasn’t headed her way. I stood in there a few minutes doing nothing. If someone had walked in they would’ve thought I was crazy. I was mumbling things while trying to figure out what to say. I swear I usually don’t have this much problem talking to a chick, but she is the hottest one I’ve ever seen in person except for that one time me and my guy, Tony were in Vegas and hung around outside and actual porn convention. Shit, those chicks were hot. That should be the standard model for women. Why do they come out looking any other way? When I finally came out of the kitchen, she was waiting for me.

“Hey stud,” she said. “Are you avoiding me?” I knew she was mocking me. No one ever would ever consider me a stud.

“Hey,” I mumbled. “Wanna a beer?” She held up the full drink in her hand.

“I’m gonna get a beer,” I blurted out.

“Here,” she said, handing me her drink. “Have something stronger. I’ll grab another.” With that she left me with a whiskey and Coke. I learned in my teens that I was not a liquor drinker because I became either a sad drunk or an angry drunk and both pissed people off and got me in trouble. One night resulted in both and I ended the night in the early morning covered in bruises for antagonizing dipshits who deserved to get their asses kicked and puking while tears ran down my face because man, I got the best guy friends a guy could ever have. But I choked down a few sips of that whiskey. For her.

She came back with a vodka cranberry. Turns out she never wanted that whiskey drink and pawned it off on me. I drank it all. For her. Every time she moved, I could smell her hair. It was delicious. Floral maybe? When she looked at me, I felt really seen. One time, she was telling me a funny story and reached out to grab my arm and held it for quite a while. That simple act almost made me hard. I’m not kidding. I had no idea why she continued to talk to me. She was way out of my league. I’m not ugly. Think of just some plain guy. Whatever you are picturing is me. Sure I still have some acne in my 30s, but that don’t make me ugly. She is curvy and fit and has dimples when she smiles. I see them often when she talks to me. And when I talk, she really listens. I mean really listens. She leans forward so I can look down the top of her cop costume and see her voluptuous tatas. Voluptuous is just the right word for her because–well, you should just see her ass. And she’s a white girl with an ass like that. The only person who has ever been that attentive to me is my grandma who hangs on my every word.

Oh my god, I just compared Sharlene to my grandma. Now that I know who she really is though, that’s not an insult. Sharlene is a demon. One who is particularly cruel. An absolutely cruel demon from hell. Her hot body and voluptuous curves are all a trap to lure me in. Sharlene had already returned to her friends when I started to feel funny. Just a little dizzy at first in a way that wasn’t unpleasant. I contributed it to the whiskey as I never drink it and then switched back to beers.

About an hour later, many people had paired off to private locations to hook up or whatever, lucky bastards, while others danced or played drinking games. I felt like I had lost time somewhere. I wanted to play with my friends, but was afraid if I moved that I wouldn’t have control of my body. Slowly I made my way over trying to be discreet and nonchalant.

“The fuck you doing, Superman,” old Tony yelled. “You look like a crab is pinching your balls and you can’t straighten up or something will tear. Just get your ass over here.” I hadn’t realized how hunched over I was. I was just scared to move my muscles too much is all. I hadn’t figured out yet that there had been drugs in my drink. After a few rounds of pong, I started to feel really strange. Kinda tingling but in an unpleasant way. Like that feeling you get when you’re caught doing something wrong. My senior year I got a boner in class because this dumb broad in front of me didn’t have her shirt tucked in because it was too short. I could see her fucking ass crack and thong! I could ask to leave because I was wearing sweat pants and everyone would see what I’ve got to work with. I mean it ain’t bad at all, but most people are used ot porn standards for dicks. Plus, it was cold. Obviously, there was only one thing to do to get rid of it. I tried relieving the problem but “accidently” rubbing the outside of my pants. Like real nonchalantly while adjusting myself. But I knew there would have to be contact, so I real slyly slide my hand in my waistband and made the subtlest of strokes. I don’t know how anyone noticed, but right as I was about to jizz, this bitch who has always hated me yelled, “Miss Macklemore, Jimmy’s jacking off!” Everyone turned to stare as I pulled my hand out of my pants covered in jizz.

I got that feeling of burning that starts in the back of your neck like an adrenaline rush or something. That bitch teacher called security which came quickly because she never called security. It was usually a chill class. I didn’t see the point as I had already finished. I just wanted to go to the bathroom to wash my hand. I told her that. She said no. I wiped my hands on my pants and stated, “If this hoe in front of me hadn’t been showing me her asscrack this wouldn’t have happened. You better send her to the office too.” I was told later that she started crying. Like what the fuck, I didn’t touch that tease. But that feeling of being caught red-handed is how I was feeling now. Like adrenaline was creeping up my neck and down my body. I felt a little like puking too, so I went outside for some fresh air. There was a couple fucking on the kids’ trampoline. I didn’t know whose house this was, so I didn’t care. In the corner I saw a lighter light up and headed that way because a hit off a joint sounded like the best idea.

I’m not big on smoking, so I usually take edibles, but this was an emergency. As I inhaled there was a crackle sound while the cherry brightened and the back of my throat burned. I tried to hold it in but my body wanted me to cough.

“Dude, you good?” my stoner buddy asked.

“Yeah,” I coughed out. “I usually do edibles.” He let me hit it one more time before taking it back and walking away. Dick! I needed help. I had forgotten how quickly I get cotton mouth and started to head back for another beer. If anything, those couple of hits made my weird feeling worse. I didn’t know if I was going to be sick or just needed a drink and maybe some food. There were bowls of snacks like check mix and chips and stuff, but I headed for the pizza that had been sitting there since I arrived. I grabbed a couple of pepperoni slices and went back outside to see if that couple was still fucking. They were. I had dinner and a show. Unfortunately, as soon as I finished the pizza, it came right back up.

I guess the couple had finished because the chick started yelling, “Oh my god, that guy is throwing up! Fucking gross, dude!” Her dude followed with something like, “That little bitch seems to not know his limits. Hey bro, go home if you can’t hang.” At least they went inside after that and left me to puke my brains out. But then everyone came outside. Those assholes told everybody. Some people even recorded me on my hands and knees dry-heaving.

“Dude, you good?” Tony asked.

“Yeah,” I sputtered between hacking and gagging. “That pizza just didn’t sit right.” Tony handed me a bottle of water and everyone started trickling inside. This guy came up to me I guess who lived there and pointed to the hose and told me to spray down my puke before I leave. I did as he asked but was feeling much better, so I grabbed another beer and watched some guys play Ping-Pong in the garage for a while.

When I went back into the party, Sharlene was sitting on the counter with her legs a little open. Who was she doing that for? If I squatted down, I could see everything. Before I knew it, I was tying my shoe. When I looked up, she was smiling. She jumped off and walked over to me.

“Come with me,” she ordered, while grabbing my hand. Hot damn! She was taking me toward one of the bedrooms. I was getting hard. Even if it was just a blowjob, I’d be thrilled. Just thinking about that pretty made me almost explode.

We went into a room with all of her friends sitting around the bed. Holy shit! I didn’t know what I was in for but I was consenting. That’s when she asked me to play the Ouija board with them and I noticed it in the middle of the bed. The other ladies made room for us. I sat between Sharlene and the naughty mouse. She also had a lot of junk in her trunk, but that was to be expected because she was latina. She was almost as beautiful as Sharlene but was lacking the curves in the boob department.

The next thing I knew, we all had our fingers on the planchette.

“Ask a question,” Sharlene commanded.

“Will I get laid tonight?” I blurted out without thinking. Considering the situation though, I think it was valid. They all laughed. Not a cutesy little giggly laugh but almost a cruel witchy laugh.

“Oh, you’ll get what you deserve tonight,” the naughty nurse said. “We’ve been waiting for this.” I was hot, man. Let me tell you that I have never been so aroused. We put our fingers back on the planchette and Sharlene asked:

“Has this man in our present ever drugged a girl to have sex without consent?”

“Whut?” I muttered. My voice sounded slurred and I was dizzy again. The planchette moved to the No. By itself! I sat back and removed my hands when I heard that question and the girls followed suit. It just moved on its own.

“That’s not what happened,” I tried to explain. Okay, there was this one incident in high school where I didn’t realize that this girl was extremely wasted. I just thought she was really into me. It really wasn’t that big of a deal because she wasn’t even my type. The next Monday at school she tried to talk to me about it and I told her:

“Look, I’m gonna keep it real with you because I support women, and they deserve honesty. I only screwed you because you were all over me. I really didn’t have any other options.”

“Oh my god,” she cried in the very crowded hallway. “I just thought we made out and I was going to cuss you out for taking advantage of my situation. Did you drug me? Is that why I can’t remember anything? You drugged me and raped me!”

“Chill,” I said. “You practically raped me. Now everyone knows we fucked. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

Everyone heard it and I was later arrested. The judge was cool though and knew it wasn’t my fault. He gave me six months probation though because he said I needed to learn a lesson about partying too much. Since then, things have been fine. I don’t let what happened to me in high school traumatize me or anything.

After that, things started to get fuzzy. I mean in my memory. I don’t exactly remember what happened. I know someone started undressing me and at some point I was handcuffed. I remember asking them to take the cuffs off and being told there was no key.

Then I woke up on a park bench naked, hungover, and still cuffed. The worst part is I don’t remember what happened in between and my ass hurt. There was something up there and I couldn’t do anything about it because of the handcuffs. Nor could I walk right. Someone called the cops which at first I was grateful for, but instead of helping me, they arrested me! I had to ride on my side in the car because I couldn’t sit like normal. At the hospital, the doctors removed a dildo! I was horrified because like I said, I’m not gay.

Later that day, Tony texted me and said I needed to prepare myself. Then he sent a video of me in that bed bent over like a girl begging to get pegged. Over 100,000 people had seen it. I told him I had been drugged and had no idea what happened. He said the part where I was begging for it was a pretty bad sign because I wasn’t slurring or anything. I sounded perfectly coherent and of sound mind. Those words triggered me. That was something the prosecutor said all those years ago at my joke of a trial. That the bitch couldn’t have consented because she wasn’t coherent or of sound mind. But let me reiterate, she was all over me.

Anyway, I tried to track down Sharlene, but there was no trace of her. I’m sure if we could just talk, she could explain what happened and would make it alright. Look, I don’t mind if she’s into pegging if I get to be with a woman like that. She obviously likes me. Though it’s her fault all this happened. If only I had said no to playing the Ouija board.

In the aftermath, my friends kinda backed away from me. I understood. They were waiting for things to die down. Currently, I was an embarrassment. Though, every time things seemed to get better, that damned video would resurface and go viral again. People were saying horrible things about me claiming this was payback for my sins of the past. What sins of the past? A little teenage troubles. Then it dawned on me that Sharlene had set the whole thing up. This didn’t happen by accident. Suddenly I could see things clearly as they really are. All those bitches at the party are real demons. Sharlene is a whore of Satan who set me up because she’s cruel and sadistic. You can tell in the video that she is really enjoying debasing me. So now, I’m a true believer. I will never play with a Ouija board again. Lesson learned!