If It Weren't For Broccoli...

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Funny Thriller Mystery

Written in response to: "You are the only one in the supermarket during a blizzard. Feeling creeped out, you decide to leave, when suddenly you find a baby abandoned on the floor." as part of In Reverse.

“Broccoli?” I mutter to myself, gawking at the green thing in front of me. Broccoli may not tickle my fancy, but my mom…she could have a room full of them and never get tired of eating them raw.


I throw a whole bag of them in my cart, glaring at the package with personal grudge. When I was merely twelve years old, I had mocked Aunt Love for being nosy in EVERY matter. Being the female version of Santa Claus she was, she’d never take an insult to herself. Who were we even kidding; she was the Kim Kardarshian, but well, at the end of the day, it was what defined her and it was at the end of the day, my mom had forced fed me a bunch of raw bro- not taking the name, while I cried a waterfall of salty tears.


After shoving half of the listed items into the cart, I move toward the next aisle, throwing a glance towards the clerk napping behind the counter. A smirk tugs at my lips and I begin searching for the leftover items.


 The howling wind sends shivers up my spine, causing strands of hair to erect on my arms. It was a bad choice to visit the supermarket during the crazy blizzard. I could’ve waited for the drama to come to a halt if it weren’t for mom and her br- nevermind.


I tug my muffler closer to my face as I watch the starlit sky, the polar-white snow enveloping the ground, the pine trees and the screeching winds rise up in occasions and when they die, a tomb-like silence haunts over the streets. It frightens me. It frightens me to be the only one stuck in the store. Yes, the clerk’s here, but her presence is better left unnoticed.


I drag my cart to the other aisle, already growing bone-tired when I notice a patch of dark red hue on my shirt sleeve. A woman had bumped into me outside the store; blood drenched her t-shirt, concern and horror shone in her almond eyes. I had gripped onto her arms in alarm as she collapsed against me, whispering please into my ear before yanking herself free, dashing and staggering down the white street. She was my neighbour, Ruby.


Faint footsteps invade my ears, snapping me back to reality. I whip my head around, stillness of the aisle greeting me in return. I heave a sigh, mentally cursing at the blizzard for making me think things. If we weren’t in the middle of a loco blizzard, I would’ve been convinced of this place to be a jinx.


“Austin!” I shriek in surprise as hands thump on my shoulders. Leah, the clerk who was way past forty winks a while ago, beams her stupid grin at me which symbolizes she has some favour to ask.  

I roll my eyes, “I told you already, Seb is not free this weekend.”

“I know, I just wanted to ask how you’re doin’.”


“I was fine until you asked.” I turn the cart away and toward the counter with Leah bouncing after me like a bunny. “Now hurry up!”


It takes Leah a millennium to get the supplies in the bag. Being the impatient bloke I am, I continue to burn a hole through her petty head, shifting my weight from one hip to the other and tapping my fingers at the surface of the counter desk when a low sound pricks my ears. I focus on the sound, debating if it’s another trick the tranquility of the store is playing on me. In a trice, the cries shoot up, causing me to flinch at the unforeseen escalation.


Without any exchange of words, Leah and I amble toward the suspected source, nearing a pile of huge boxes. Leah throws the lighter boxes on the floor, estimating where the cries could be coming from. The heavier boxes to the bottom are all sealed with tape except one, its flaps bent and closing over each other in vain.

“Holy marmite!” Leah exclaims, eyes fixed on the box in front of her.


“What’s it?” I scoot closer. The sight I witness leaves me nonplussed, the gap in my mouth expanding enough for a toad to fit right in.


“Aww! Don’t cry!” Leah cradles a pale, rosy cheeked baby of around ten months in her arms, swaying and doing all sorts of actions a mother would do to calm her baby down.


A drop slides down my arm and I realize I’ve been shedding tears in silence. I run my sleeve over my eyes as my vision blurs. My heart skips a beat when the gorgeous baby peers at me, it’s ocean-blue eyes sparkling with tears and it smiles at me, three tiny pearl white teeth lined along the bottom gum, dimples forming miniature crates at the right place. But, my heart burns at the mother’s cruel and gruesome audacity.


Leah looks up at me, her eyes red and damp and looks back at the baby, making it giggle with her baby language. A car’s rough screech pulls our attention toward the streets. A black SUV pulls up in front of the supermarket. Two men clad in dark clothes step out and stride towards us, something unsettling striking about their aura.


They enter the store and with a single glance toward us, swagger through the aisles, surveying the empty boxes, the counter and every nook in the store. I clench and unclench my fists, contemplating what I should do at their feral outbursts.


“You, have you seen William? Twelve months old, dimples and blue eyes.” A man points out at Leah, referring to a picture from a phone with the screen cracked. His bloodshot eyes pierce into hers, a weird symbol painting the side of his forehead.


pic from pinterest;))


“No, I haven’t seen him.” She shakes her head. “You will have to pay for the mess you’ve created, you nincompoop!”


Like a shot, the pounding of my heart spirals, reaching my ears, my fingers tremble profusely. I dash outside, leaning against the chill wall. Breathing in and out, I watch rings of fog form and ebb away into the darkness. I squeeze my eyes shut. It’s clear, they’re after the baby and they won’t retreat without getting their hands on the little one.


A man draws his gun out, pointing it at Leah and shouting things which I’m not able to comprehend as my heart beats even louder, the world spinning around me. Fear propels me out of stillness, but I only manage to shift a spot, if only I weren’t a coward.


A deafening crack of thunder fills the room. My head whips to Leah, her head turned away and hands covering her ears in cringe. The man’s gun pointed toward the ceiling, smoke rising from the nozzle in thin wavy lines.


William’s yammers burst out from the storage room, our attention snapping toward the ceiling. Leah looks at me, her bottom lip trembling.


“Get him, Ted.” The man with the stained shirt orders, but before Ted can take a step forward, Leah pounces on them, all three of them collapsing to the ground.


“Run, Austin!” She screams as she wrestles with the men.


What am I waiting for?


I rise up, hurrying inside when Ted growls loudly and bang! I wheeze, clenching my mouth as numbness surges up further through my legs.


The man flips Leah’s limp corpse onto the ground, Ted scoffing and getting up, helping up Riz, if that’s what I heard. Riz’s eyes lock on mine for a brief second before I get on my heels, rushing toward the stairs.


Sorry Leah, I owe you my life.  


William still whimpers as I climb up the stairs. My entire nineteen years of life, I’ve been called a coward. Leah had always been an encouraging friend and seeing her sacrifice her life for William has encouraged me even more, to let the world know I am no coward. Not anymore. It’s for William, I am about to give away mine. I clench my hands into tight fists and shoulders upright.


 I open the door to the store room, William’s innocent eyes flickering to mine, tears staining his plump cheeks. I gather him in my arms, not sure if I should bring him out in the open. Heading out, I turn off every switch on the switchboard and slink back towards the store room.


Let the game begin for the radges!


The room remains immersed in the murkiness. An icy shudder trickles down my spine; cold, hesitant light streaming through a corner window, casting eerie shadows on the wall.


As I sit in the cramped room, I can’t help but feel eyes on me. The clicking of boots on the floor alerts me. I press my palm against William’s mouth and whisper soft words to him. Riz walks past us, appearing only as a tall shadow as his dark clothes amalgamate with the dim lit room, the patterns of his heavy breathing sinister-like.


“Where are you, boy?” Riz mutters. “You know, you anger me. Trying to meddle with our affairs? We just need William for our little ritual. Afterall, he's witnessed the world for just a few months.”


I watch as Riz nears a stand of windcheaters, searching through it. He straightens up and gives a sharp, weary sigh, his eyes directly where I am situated.


“Kid, do you want me to send a bullet through you like your friend and Ruby?” 


A squeak leaves my lips at the mention of Ruby. I knew he had to do something with her.


When the voices subside, the floor devoid of any presence, I get up with William tucked in my arms and descend the stairs in caution. I near the transparent back gate only to find Ted standing right in front and chugging down some liquid from a bottle. I extend an arm out, groping for any sort of wall to make sure I don’t bump into it. Before giving Ted any chance to notice me, I head back upstairs, pain stinging my arms from carrying William for too long.


I press myself against a wall and hold my breath as Riz walks past me, too close to not notice. I crouch and walk toward the attic when a hand grabs my hair, tossing me to the other side. William releases out of my grip, his diaper protecting his delicate buttocks. I throw my hands at Riz, fingers pressing deep into his eyeballs. That’s the only thing I can do to protect William. I shriek as Riz brings his foot down on my ankle, crushing it. I grunt, the torment bringing tears to my eyes. He struggles to get to William when I kick him hard on the jaw. I grab William and limp toward the attic, getting my hands on a sledge hammer in the process. 


The attic’s door opens with the inbuilt ladder landing down. I climb up in hurry; place William on a bundle of bubble wrap, smiling as his eyes flicker and shut, a peaceful atmosphere settling around him.


 I hiss as my sprained ankle lands on the step with a thud. Riz yanks me down: I land on the floor, my head coming into a harsh contact with it and my hammer slipping away from my hand. His hands wrap around my neck and I struggle to pry his fingers away from my skin. He punches me in the nose and I yell, blood trickling out and going senseless as if it weren’t there in the first place. He gets up and heads toward the ladder. I cough, tracing my fingers along my neck which must have reddened by now. I get up, making sure not to put my weight on my sprained ankle, grab the hammer and advance toward Riz.


The blow on his head comes off really hard, causing me to cringe. He hits the ground, his head swimming in a puddle of blood. I turn around as mismatched and heavy footsteps climb up the stairs. I grip on the hammer with both hands, heading toward the stairs.


Hardly have I taken a step forward, when Ted flashes in from behind the wall and pulls the trigger of his gun. The bullet passes my waist by a nose, considering his as-good-as-dead frame is toxic with alcohol. I bolt and leap onto him, causing us to tumble down the stairs. My hands wrap around the gun before I pull the trigger resulting in William’s cries to rise even more.


I get up, staring at my hands and back at Ted’s bloody torso. I wince as my head throbs with pain. It is at this time, my legs turn into boiled noodles and the world fades out in front of me.

I jolt up, finding myself in white sheets, my head and ankle bandaged.


“Mama!” I turn to my side, William chuckling and playing with the locket of a policewoman.


 I smile and my eyes turn to a few people sealing three bags on a stretcher, dragging them into the ambulance.


“I hope you’re alright!” The policewoman with William on her waist says. I nod and glance at William, his dimples tugging at my heart.


“You have no idea how grateful we are. Those men were minacious and they’d been illegally sacrificing hundreds of people for God knows how many decades! We were never able to get our hand on any of them. And no emergency help was available because of the blizzard till morning.”


“Weee!” William squeals and throws his hands at me. I laugh at his adorable squeak. I place him on my lap and meddle with his tiny, cold fingers.


I’m uncertain whether William has a father. But, if it weren’t for broccoli (well, it has now earned its respect), he would’ve never lived to see what surprises life has for him.  


🥦🥦


a/n: R.I.P. Leah. May her soul rest in peace. She was such a good soul. I shed tears myself when killing her off >_<  *wipes away nonexistent tears and blows a perfect dry nose on a tissue paper*

Posted Jul 29, 2020
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108 likes 793 comments

D. Shikha
September 19, 2020 07:51

Hey Orenda,
I'm sorry if I'm bothering you but I posted a new story and I'll be so grateful if you check it out.

Reply

Orenda .
September 19, 2020 08:19

you're not bothering at all and yeeeee I'm excited!!

Reply

Keerththan 😀
September 18, 2020 06:57

Hey Orenda

This was so thrilling. When she poke her fingers into Riz or the other guy's eyes I was laughing. It was a funny attack to do on him. This started very funny and ended with a great suspense. I loved this story. And I gasped at your description. They were totally awesome and I could just picturise William. Keep writing. Waiting for your next.....
And mind checking my new one?

I love marvel too. Who's your favourite?

Reply

Orenda .
September 18, 2020 08:23

Waauuu I'm glad you enjoyed it haha..you too, keep writing!

Oh yeah, I love marvel. I love black widow like anything else! Cap America, Spidey, Hawkeye, thor pretty much everyone else. They're just awesome. I also love X-Men, pretty cool freaks huhu what about you?

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Keerththan 😀
September 18, 2020 08:25

My pleasure!

Yeah! I am a hard core fan of Captain America(even if he's old) I also like Thor and Iron man and pretty much everybody. They are totally awesome and then black panther😥😥
I also love Xmen and Apocalypse. *gasps* wonderful movie.

Reply

Orenda .
September 18, 2020 08:43

Omg yess how could I forget black panther?????

Yeee yess *gasps too sharply and chokes on her own saliva* lmaooo

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Keerththan 😀
September 18, 2020 08:44

Yeah how did you forget him!

Yeah! Really awesome. He was 10 times more powerful than Thanos.

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Orenda .
September 18, 2020 08:53

Huhu

BP is powerful, but nah, not stronger than thanos! Without gauntlet? Probably, but not while he's the one with all the stones.

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The Cold Ice
September 01, 2020 04:02

Hilarious story.Great job👍keep it up.I enjoyed the story.Keep writing.
Would you mind to read my story
“The dragon warrior ?”

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Orenda .
September 01, 2020 06:18

Thanks a lot and yess, I will:))

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Radhika Diksha
December 16, 2020 04:59

it’s ocean-blue eyes sparkling with tears and it smiles at me, three tiny pearl white teeth lined along the bottom gum, dimples forming miniature crates at the right place. But, my heart burns at the mother’s cruel and gruesome audacity.
A wonderful sentence, I loved your broccoli concept and the image you added from Pinterest.
You are an amazing writer and I love your writing style. You hell inspired me.

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Orenda .
December 16, 2020 05:09

Omg Radhika, I appreciate your time, man. Thank you soo much and I'm so flattered I inspired you. <33

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Writers Block
December 05, 2020 22:52

Similar to the Stephanie plum novels by Janet evanovich

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Orenda .
December 06, 2020 06:48

ooh, this broccoli one? I've never heard of her, but I'm actually glad it reminds you of her. :D

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B. W.
November 06, 2020 23:28

i think i could use some advice for something

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Orenda .
November 07, 2020 05:33

yeah, ssup!

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B. W.
November 07, 2020 05:43

well not much as advice- i just wanna see what ya think, do ya know that alien prompt that's one of the new ones?

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Orenda .
November 07, 2020 05:44

yesss

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B. W.
November 07, 2020 05:45

well i sorta have a idea for it and I wanted to run it by ya to see what ya would think

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Orenda .
November 07, 2020 05:46

ohkie. Tell me your idea.

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B. W.
October 09, 2020 01:23

Heya. So you, Vayd and some others saw the story "Blind date" Right? Could you maybe send a link to the thing? i need to talk to the person.

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 03:08

oh i see you changed your name, FINALLYYY!
I'm sending it right away.

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B. W.
October 09, 2020 03:11

Yep, though it'll only last for october and i'll probably change it back real soon since it's just a Halloween name ^^ and thank you

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 03:17

oh i see you've already commented on the story, nevermind. And, yeah even my name is temporary:)

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B. W.
October 09, 2020 03:18

What made ya decide to make your Halloween name that?

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 03:20

Ah, I dont know at all. At first, a put Jason from Friday the 13th, but it didn't work well and I randomly came up with the current name 😂

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 14:43

yo, new thread. And, you're really quick to do that! Awesome!

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B. W.
October 09, 2020 14:45

Do you like all the prompts? or are there a certain few that ya like?

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 14:46

all of 'em are nice, but i like the 2nd one more :)

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B. W.
October 09, 2020 14:48

You may see a couple new stories from me real soon

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Orenda .
October 09, 2020 14:50

oooh aight, cool!

Reply

B. W.
October 07, 2020 00:53

Do you maybe know how to draw really well? i need help with something.

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Orenda .
October 07, 2020 03:19

oh, you've asked the right person hehe what do you need?

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B. W.
October 07, 2020 03:25

I was wondering if you could maybe help me with the cover art for my novels?

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Orenda .
October 07, 2020 03:52

hmm okay depends on what type of art you want...

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B. W.
October 07, 2020 04:13

Well what could you do?

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Orenda .
October 07, 2020 04:16

tell me what you want on your covers. I guess, making covers digitially will be easier

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B. W.
October 05, 2020 17:56

Heya there

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Orenda .
October 05, 2020 18:06

hola hola, wassup!

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B. W.
October 06, 2020 17:44

New thread because yes. Well there are ways to stop that, i think.

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Orenda .
October 06, 2020 18:38

yeah there is. Like, closing all the freakin tabs and GETTING THE WORK DONE because I have one tab with music blasting from it, one with reedsy site open, one with instagram and one legit with pinterest cuz why not? Lol.

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B. W.
October 05, 2020 18:07

Estoy trabajando en una de mis novelas

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Orenda .
October 05, 2020 18:15

I pretty much put two and two and understood what you said? Lol. Anyway, whoch novel? That demi God series?

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B. W.
October 05, 2020 18:16

Nope, it's a different one that i'm almost done with. i'm on chapter 20

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Orenda .
October 05, 2020 18:19

omgg daz cool🤟🤟

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 20:33

i need someone to talk to

Reply

Orenda .
October 02, 2020 20:37

yess sis

Reply

B. W.
October 02, 2020 20:37

i may need some help or advice with some things but it's not really with stories, it's with something else

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 20:38

yeah how can I help?

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 20:41

i'm not sure if you'll really be able to help but i think i should just tell some people. I don't feel like i should be here. (on Reedsy not gone completely like ya know) or that i should keep writing. I worry about a lot of stuff but i feel like i shouldn't keep writing maybe. They'll probably just be really terrible novels and no one will like them and what if no one likes my newer stories or even me??

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 20:46

why do you think so, pal? It's your stories, your mind, why should you care what others think about you or what you write? Reedsy needs you here, we need you here. Dont doubt yourself, just keep going. I worry about a lot of things, but I just learn to ignore things that doesnt have an importance in my life. if you're worried about your first drafts, it's natural that's it's not going to love upto your expectations since it's just the first draft. you can always go back and get into it with a fresh mind. What others might think isn't your priority. You are loved here.

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 20:52

also, dont rush to complete your drafts, you have plenty of time ahead of you, take your time and do what you love. I definitely don't think you should stop writing because you're tremendously talented and quitting writing because what others might think shouldn't happen at all. People always have a habit to get into other's affairs and demoralize them for whatever they're doing and you should be the one to actually ignore them because they arent helping you with anything

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 20:42

sis, I might have to go now. It's very bad that I couldnt help you with what you needed. I'll surely help you out when I'm back.

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 20:44

i guess its fine

Reply

Amany Sayed
October 02, 2020 18:32

Heyo! I have a new story. Would you mind checking it out and leaving your valuable feedback? Or not, It's a little short and not too well written but yeah.

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 18:58

OFC, MATEYY

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D. Shikha
October 02, 2020 06:36

Upvoted ya a bit!!! You're #19 on the leaderboard now!!!!
Have a great day:))

Reply

Orenda .
October 02, 2020 07:08

WHAT??!! Oh, I'm so happy. Thanks a lot, Deep <3
but you'll see, I'll go down anyway😂

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D. Shikha
October 02, 2020 15:43

Don't worry about the future, about what will happen next. Just enjoy and be happy with the present....

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 15:47

yess you're right, thanksss <3 <3

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D. Shikha
October 02, 2020 15:51

Why don't you join Allpoetry, sis? It's so fun!!

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 16:05

oh yeah, i did check it out...i don't know if i might want to write there as well, but i'll see. I also joined Commaful..I don't know why because i haven't written anything over there teehee

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 00:57

do you plan to put your novel on amazon or something?

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 06:11

hmmm I dont really know. I do want to market the books I write, but the novel I'm currently working on is just for practice and fun and maybe after completing it, I'd think about it? Not really sure heheh

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 13:17

Kinda like how the one i'm doing is one i'm just doing for fun?

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 13:56

yeah yeah

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B. W.
October 02, 2020 14:01

i can't remember what some of the stuff you said for it was, what chapter are you on for it?

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Orenda .
October 02, 2020 14:09

I'm on chapter 8, I think..its like wattpad chapter length and I might lengthen the chapters later on because I seem to be underwriting.

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B. W.
September 30, 2020 20:49

I think i'm almost done with a novel :)

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Orenda .
October 01, 2020 05:09

Oh wow! That's amazing :D

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B. W.
October 01, 2020 14:05

Yep ^^ would you read it?

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Orenda .
October 01, 2020 14:11

oh yeah, i would. Like, will you publish it?

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B. W.
October 01, 2020 14:22

Well i will publish the others. but the one i'm almost done with is being done for fun and probably won't publish. Though i might still publish it or i could put something like it up on here

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Orenda .
October 01, 2020 14:33

OOh that's great!

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B. W.
October 01, 2020 17:16

starting a new thread. Maybe i could put you in one of my stories ^^

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Orenda .
October 01, 2020 17:19

omg why not? Means a lott to me :))🥰

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B. W.
September 28, 2020 16:12

Hey, could ya maybe help me with something?

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Orenda .
September 28, 2020 18:17

yeah ofc, i'm really sorry for the late reply tho:))

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B. W.
September 28, 2020 18:30

Thats alright ^^ well i'm writing a new novel because i get a lot of ideas and i need some help with a couple of things, could i tell you the plot so it would be easier to help?

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Orenda .
September 28, 2020 18:35

omgggg yeeee shoot!!!!

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B. W.
September 28, 2020 18:48

Heres the basic thing: theres a group of four friends, 2 girls and toy boys. one of the girls is a 'guardian' who protects the other three characters while keeping herself hidden as a normal human and is friends with them. though she can't reveal herself as a 'guardian' because a lot of bad things would happen and scientists would probably try to get her cuz you know how they are

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Orenda .
September 28, 2020 18:50

wow! That's unique. So what can i help you with?

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B. W.
September 27, 2020 17:10

I'm honestly not sure if i checked this story out or not but i will at least say this, you did a really great job with it and so ya know what i'm gonna give it? a 10/10 :)

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Orenda .
September 27, 2020 17:18

aaawwww thenksss a lot:))) i think you have read this story, but doesn't matter. Thanks again <3 <3

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B. W.
September 27, 2020 17:19

No problem ^^ if it's alright, could you maybe go and check out "Reunion? No thanks" and "My older sister?" and leave some feedback?

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Orenda .
September 27, 2020 17:26

I will definitely read them, but sometime later as i'm busy with some stuff:))

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B. W.
September 27, 2020 17:31

thats fine ^^

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D. Shikha
September 27, 2020 10:23

Loved your bio!!

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Orenda .
September 27, 2020 10:27

yeeee thenksss so muchhh
i put some effort in it, searching for borders and stuff like that hihihi

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D. Shikha
September 27, 2020 10:29

Nice!!
So, what's up? Are your exams over?

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Orenda .
September 27, 2020 10:32

yeah they're over, but i still have a shit ton of work to do lmao.
what about you?

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D. Shikha
September 27, 2020 10:37

I also have a lot of work and weekly tests but I'm doing fine.
Are you planning to do any story anytime soon?

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Orenda .
September 27, 2020 10:43

i hope you get over with them soon!
ummm i'm still thinking what prompt to write on. I really want to write one as it's been months since i wrote a story. Too much procrastination!

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Sia S
September 25, 2020 11:46

What did ya do to ya bio?

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Keerththan 😀
September 24, 2020 02:27

Hey Orenda,
Posted a new one just now. Mind reading it??

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:17

sure!

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Keerththan 😀
September 24, 2020 03:22

Thanks!

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B. W.
September 23, 2020 23:51

Hey this probably won't work or anything but i've left a thing in my Bio for the down-voter. I kinda said something along the lines of that they should comment and explain themselves, though it's probably a stupid idea because i don't see why they would reveal who they are.

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:17

that's a good thing you didi, but me too, I dont think they'll own up. But who knows? We might actually catch someone red handed

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B. W.
September 24, 2020 03:23

Zilla actually talked to someone though a bit ago who might be able to help and stop the down-voting ^^

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:33

Oh, like reedsy service team? Rhonda and I were talking about writing a mail to the team. It would surely help, I guess.

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B. W.
September 24, 2020 03:37

Yeah something like that ^^

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:38

:n

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Avery G.
September 23, 2020 20:05

I was looking through your comments, (because I'm nosy and just terrible, and also I was upvoting them) I saw that you said you were addicted to Skribbl. I AM TOO!!! I play it all the time with my friends!!!! We like play 100 rounds of it.

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:16

Oh no, you're not nosy at all, I go around upvoting others then end up chatting hehe np!
THAT'S GOOOD!!! We could it together someday, but we definitely don't have to if you have some security issues:)))

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Avery G.
September 24, 2020 03:21

Yeah! We could do it together, but maybe not a zoom. We can just set up a link and do it or something.

We could gather like all the reedsy friends! That would be so cool

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Orenda .
September 24, 2020 03:32

Yeah, zoom isnt required really, we can simply play through the link that skribbl providesssssss.....and playing with those who are interested will be soooooooo fun

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Avery G.
September 25, 2020 01:48

Yeah. That would be sooo awesome!

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Orenda .
September 25, 2020 03:41

😁😁😁😁🤗🤗

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Amany Sayed
September 22, 2020 00:05

Hey QueenBrocoli! I just submitted a new story! I'd be really gratfeul if you checked it out and left some feedback. It's under 'funny' which isn't really what I normally do, so yeah!

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Orenda .
September 22, 2020 06:31

Yayayay be right there, Pickles:))))

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Amany Sayed
September 21, 2020 01:17

ORENDAAAAAA GO READ RHONDALISE'S MOST RECENT STORY IT HAS US IN IT GOO NOWWWW

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Orenda .
September 21, 2020 03:13

WHAAAAAT???? ALRIGHT, I'LL BE THEREEEEEE

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Charles Stucker
September 20, 2020 22:22

Brooke D.'s page throws me back to general Reedsy, not her stories. No clue if it's just me. Now, on to the review of your work.

"A man draws his gun out," Draws his gun includes pulling it out of the holster. You can omit the word out.

Let the game begin for the radges!- I had to look up radges with an internet search. Eek, Scottish slang. I'm not complaining, I use Texican slang all the time.

"William releases out of my grip, his diaper protecting his delicate buttocks." slips instead of releases?

"I shriek as Riz brings his foot down on my ankle, crushing it." Crushing is definitely the wrong word. Nobody limps on a crushed ankle. Except in fiction.
I'd use "cracked it painfully" which would still let you kick somebody in the jaw? Emphasize that Riz is bending down to get William and the protagonist knees him in the face.

Starts funny, ends bloody. Must be Shakespeare. Other than changing crush to something a little less incapacitating, this works as is.

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Orenda .
September 21, 2020 03:19

Oh, my bad! I'll link it properly and thanks for pointing it out:))

Yeeeeee thenx for the help, i like using Scottish slangs or British ones haha....but unfortunately, i won't be able to change any errors because this has been approved (long ago lol), but I'll keep the corrections in mind. Thank you so much :n

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B. W.
September 18, 2020 16:09

i'm not sure if you have but could ya check out "Crossover: the plan" and leave some feedback? ^^

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Orenda .
September 18, 2020 16:18

oh, okay i will!

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B. W.
September 18, 2020 16:22

Thanks ^^

Reply

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