If It Weren't For Broccoli...

109 likes 793 comments

Funny Thriller Mystery

Written in response to: "You are the only one in the supermarket during a blizzard. Feeling creeped out, you decide to leave, when suddenly you find a baby abandoned on the floor." as part of In Reverse.

“Broccoli?” I mutter to myself, gawking at the green thing in front of me. Broccoli may not tickle my fancy, but my mom…she could have a room full of them and never get tired of eating them raw.


I throw a whole bag of them in my cart, glaring at the package with personal grudge. When I was merely twelve years old, I had mocked Aunt Love for being nosy in EVERY matter. Being the female version of Santa Claus she was, she’d never take an insult to herself. Who were we even kidding; she was the Kim Kardarshian, but well, at the end of the day, it was what defined her and it was at the end of the day, my mom had forced fed me a bunch of raw bro- not taking the name, while I cried a waterfall of salty tears.


After shoving half of the listed items into the cart, I move toward the next aisle, throwing a glance towards the clerk napping behind the counter. A smirk tugs at my lips and I begin searching for the leftover items.


 The howling wind sends shivers up my spine, causing strands of hair to erect on my arms. It was a bad choice to visit the supermarket during the crazy blizzard. I could’ve waited for the drama to come to a halt if it weren’t for mom and her br- nevermind.


I tug my muffler closer to my face as I watch the starlit sky, the polar-white snow enveloping the ground, the pine trees and the screeching winds rise up in occasions and when they die, a tomb-like silence haunts over the streets. It frightens me. It frightens me to be the only one stuck in the store. Yes, the clerk’s here, but her presence is better left unnoticed.


I drag my cart to the other aisle, already growing bone-tired when I notice a patch of dark red hue on my shirt sleeve. A woman had bumped into me outside the store; blood drenched her t-shirt, concern and horror shone in her almond eyes. I had gripped onto her arms in alarm as she collapsed against me, whispering please into my ear before yanking herself free, dashing and staggering down the white street. She was my neighbour, Ruby.


Faint footsteps invade my ears, snapping me back to reality. I whip my head around, stillness of the aisle greeting me in return. I heave a sigh, mentally cursing at the blizzard for making me think things. If we weren’t in the middle of a loco blizzard, I would’ve been convinced of this place to be a jinx.


“Austin!” I shriek in surprise as hands thump on my shoulders. Leah, the clerk who was way past forty winks a while ago, beams her stupid grin at me which symbolizes she has some favour to ask.  

I roll my eyes, “I told you already, Seb is not free this weekend.”

“I know, I just wanted to ask how you’re doin’.”


“I was fine until you asked.” I turn the cart away and toward the counter with Leah bouncing after me like a bunny. “Now hurry up!”


It takes Leah a millennium to get the supplies in the bag. Being the impatient bloke I am, I continue to burn a hole through her petty head, shifting my weight from one hip to the other and tapping my fingers at the surface of the counter desk when a low sound pricks my ears. I focus on the sound, debating if it’s another trick the tranquility of the store is playing on me. In a trice, the cries shoot up, causing me to flinch at the unforeseen escalation.


Without any exchange of words, Leah and I amble toward the suspected source, nearing a pile of huge boxes. Leah throws the lighter boxes on the floor, estimating where the cries could be coming from. The heavier boxes to the bottom are all sealed with tape except one, its flaps bent and closing over each other in vain.

“Holy marmite!” Leah exclaims, eyes fixed on the box in front of her.


“What’s it?” I scoot closer. The sight I witness leaves me nonplussed, the gap in my mouth expanding enough for a toad to fit right in.


“Aww! Don’t cry!” Leah cradles a pale, rosy cheeked baby of around ten months in her arms, swaying and doing all sorts of actions a mother would do to calm her baby down.


A drop slides down my arm and I realize I’ve been shedding tears in silence. I run my sleeve over my eyes as my vision blurs. My heart skips a beat when the gorgeous baby peers at me, it’s ocean-blue eyes sparkling with tears and it smiles at me, three tiny pearl white teeth lined along the bottom gum, dimples forming miniature crates at the right place. But, my heart burns at the mother’s cruel and gruesome audacity.


Leah looks up at me, her eyes red and damp and looks back at the baby, making it giggle with her baby language. A car’s rough screech pulls our attention toward the streets. A black SUV pulls up in front of the supermarket. Two men clad in dark clothes step out and stride towards us, something unsettling striking about their aura.


They enter the store and with a single glance toward us, swagger through the aisles, surveying the empty boxes, the counter and every nook in the store. I clench and unclench my fists, contemplating what I should do at their feral outbursts.


“You, have you seen William? Twelve months old, dimples and blue eyes.” A man points out at Leah, referring to a picture from a phone with the screen cracked. His bloodshot eyes pierce into hers, a weird symbol painting the side of his forehead.


pic from pinterest;))


“No, I haven’t seen him.” She shakes her head. “You will have to pay for the mess you’ve created, you nincompoop!”


Like a shot, the pounding of my heart spirals, reaching my ears, my fingers tremble profusely. I dash outside, leaning against the chill wall. Breathing in and out, I watch rings of fog form and ebb away into the darkness. I squeeze my eyes shut. It’s clear, they’re after the baby and they won’t retreat without getting their hands on the little one.


A man draws his gun out, pointing it at Leah and shouting things which I’m not able to comprehend as my heart beats even louder, the world spinning around me. Fear propels me out of stillness, but I only manage to shift a spot, if only I weren’t a coward.


A deafening crack of thunder fills the room. My head whips to Leah, her head turned away and hands covering her ears in cringe. The man’s gun pointed toward the ceiling, smoke rising from the nozzle in thin wavy lines.


William’s yammers burst out from the storage room, our attention snapping toward the ceiling. Leah looks at me, her bottom lip trembling.


“Get him, Ted.” The man with the stained shirt orders, but before Ted can take a step forward, Leah pounces on them, all three of them collapsing to the ground.


“Run, Austin!” She screams as she wrestles with the men.


What am I waiting for?


I rise up, hurrying inside when Ted growls loudly and bang! I wheeze, clenching my mouth as numbness surges up further through my legs.


The man flips Leah’s limp corpse onto the ground, Ted scoffing and getting up, helping up Riz, if that’s what I heard. Riz’s eyes lock on mine for a brief second before I get on my heels, rushing toward the stairs.


Sorry Leah, I owe you my life.  


William still whimpers as I climb up the stairs. My entire nineteen years of life, I’ve been called a coward. Leah had always been an encouraging friend and seeing her sacrifice her life for William has encouraged me even more, to let the world know I am no coward. Not anymore. It’s for William, I am about to give away mine. I clench my hands into tight fists and shoulders upright.


 I open the door to the store room, William’s innocent eyes flickering to mine, tears staining his plump cheeks. I gather him in my arms, not sure if I should bring him out in the open. Heading out, I turn off every switch on the switchboard and slink back towards the store room.


Let the game begin for the radges!


The room remains immersed in the murkiness. An icy shudder trickles down my spine; cold, hesitant light streaming through a corner window, casting eerie shadows on the wall.


As I sit in the cramped room, I can’t help but feel eyes on me. The clicking of boots on the floor alerts me. I press my palm against William’s mouth and whisper soft words to him. Riz walks past us, appearing only as a tall shadow as his dark clothes amalgamate with the dim lit room, the patterns of his heavy breathing sinister-like.


“Where are you, boy?” Riz mutters. “You know, you anger me. Trying to meddle with our affairs? We just need William for our little ritual. Afterall, he's witnessed the world for just a few months.”


I watch as Riz nears a stand of windcheaters, searching through it. He straightens up and gives a sharp, weary sigh, his eyes directly where I am situated.


“Kid, do you want me to send a bullet through you like your friend and Ruby?” 


A squeak leaves my lips at the mention of Ruby. I knew he had to do something with her.


When the voices subside, the floor devoid of any presence, I get up with William tucked in my arms and descend the stairs in caution. I near the transparent back gate only to find Ted standing right in front and chugging down some liquid from a bottle. I extend an arm out, groping for any sort of wall to make sure I don’t bump into it. Before giving Ted any chance to notice me, I head back upstairs, pain stinging my arms from carrying William for too long.


I press myself against a wall and hold my breath as Riz walks past me, too close to not notice. I crouch and walk toward the attic when a hand grabs my hair, tossing me to the other side. William releases out of my grip, his diaper protecting his delicate buttocks. I throw my hands at Riz, fingers pressing deep into his eyeballs. That’s the only thing I can do to protect William. I shriek as Riz brings his foot down on my ankle, crushing it. I grunt, the torment bringing tears to my eyes. He struggles to get to William when I kick him hard on the jaw. I grab William and limp toward the attic, getting my hands on a sledge hammer in the process. 


The attic’s door opens with the inbuilt ladder landing down. I climb up in hurry; place William on a bundle of bubble wrap, smiling as his eyes flicker and shut, a peaceful atmosphere settling around him.


 I hiss as my sprained ankle lands on the step with a thud. Riz yanks me down: I land on the floor, my head coming into a harsh contact with it and my hammer slipping away from my hand. His hands wrap around my neck and I struggle to pry his fingers away from my skin. He punches me in the nose and I yell, blood trickling out and going senseless as if it weren’t there in the first place. He gets up and heads toward the ladder. I cough, tracing my fingers along my neck which must have reddened by now. I get up, making sure not to put my weight on my sprained ankle, grab the hammer and advance toward Riz.


The blow on his head comes off really hard, causing me to cringe. He hits the ground, his head swimming in a puddle of blood. I turn around as mismatched and heavy footsteps climb up the stairs. I grip on the hammer with both hands, heading toward the stairs.


Hardly have I taken a step forward, when Ted flashes in from behind the wall and pulls the trigger of his gun. The bullet passes my waist by a nose, considering his as-good-as-dead frame is toxic with alcohol. I bolt and leap onto him, causing us to tumble down the stairs. My hands wrap around the gun before I pull the trigger resulting in William’s cries to rise even more.


I get up, staring at my hands and back at Ted’s bloody torso. I wince as my head throbs with pain. It is at this time, my legs turn into boiled noodles and the world fades out in front of me.

I jolt up, finding myself in white sheets, my head and ankle bandaged.


“Mama!” I turn to my side, William chuckling and playing with the locket of a policewoman.


 I smile and my eyes turn to a few people sealing three bags on a stretcher, dragging them into the ambulance.


“I hope you’re alright!” The policewoman with William on her waist says. I nod and glance at William, his dimples tugging at my heart.


“You have no idea how grateful we are. Those men were minacious and they’d been illegally sacrificing hundreds of people for God knows how many decades! We were never able to get our hand on any of them. And no emergency help was available because of the blizzard till morning.”


“Weee!” William squeals and throws his hands at me. I laugh at his adorable squeak. I place him on my lap and meddle with his tiny, cold fingers.


I’m uncertain whether William has a father. But, if it weren’t for broccoli (well, it has now earned its respect), he would’ve never lived to see what surprises life has for him.  


🥦🥦


a/n: R.I.P. Leah. May her soul rest in peace. She was such a good soul. I shed tears myself when killing her off >_<  *wipes away nonexistent tears and blows a perfect dry nose on a tissue paper*

Posted Jul 29, 2020
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109 likes 793 comments

Rayhan Hidayat
November 21, 2020 12:11

I hate brocolli too so this story speaks to me on a spiritual level. Also, now I see what you mean when you say you enjoy violence 😉

I would suggest toning it down a little, though—people get punched and kicked with little plot progression. The reveal that they killed Ruby was the only part that stuck out during that sequence.

And the beginning makes it seem like the protag is alone in the supermarket—only for supporting characters to pop up moments later. So just a few consistency issues there.

Obviously you’ve probably grown as a writer since this story so maybe this review won’t be as helpful 🙃 Overall I quite enjoyed the intensity, the quirky narrative voice/dialogue, and the protag’s selfless devotion to protecting a baby. Kudos 😙

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Orenda .
November 21, 2020 12:24

aye, you're finally here! <3

well i thought my violence was c level. Was it a little unnecessary? Must be the influence of watching too much action haha.

I've grown, yes but nah, this was helpful. I'll keep the violence below pg13. Don't want kids sueing me, eeks. But thanks a lot! :-)

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Rayhan Hidayat
November 22, 2020 01:18

No no the violence is fine! Bring on the blood and guts! It’s just that there’s whole paragraphs of them fighting without much else. It can get a bit stale, if you ask me. You need to put in reveals and breaks in between the action to keep the reader hooked—for example, when the protag realized the men killed the neighbor. That was good! I just wished there was more stuff like that.

Anyway—just my two cents. Keep writing!! 😙

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Orenda .
November 22, 2020 17:15

heck yeah, now I totally get it! Thanks for the great piece of advice, Ray!

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Sia S
September 12, 2020 14:59

upvote spree?

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Orenda .
September 12, 2020 15:07

yes yes let's do that. I'll start after sometime:)

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Sia S
September 12, 2020 15:14

okie started

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Orenda .
September 12, 2020 15:31

YAS AIGHT AIGHT

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Sia S
September 12, 2020 15:32

Done points 100+

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Orenda .
September 12, 2020 16:03

OMGGGGG

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Sia S
September 12, 2020 04:35

I have a new story out. After writer's block. Would you mind checking it out ?

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Orenda .
September 12, 2020 05:31

Yesss mateee

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Sia S
September 12, 2020 05:31

Noice

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September 09, 2020 17:52

Awesome story!!
All this story happens because of a piece of broccoli... haha.
I liked that you added the lil picture, I have never seen anyone do that before. It really added a unique element to the story!

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Orenda .
September 09, 2020 18:31

Yay thanks sooo much:))
And yeah about the picture, I got inspiration from one of batool's stories and I was like, hell yeahh!! Imma use it too. You sure must check out her stories if you haven't. And I have another story, THE NIGHTMARE WARRIORS with pictures in it hehe you can check it out too:-) Have a great day!

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September 09, 2020 18:42

Your welcome!!
Ok, heading there nowww.

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Orenda .
September 09, 2020 18:55

YEEEET yayaya

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September 09, 2020 18:59

:D

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Orenda .
September 09, 2020 19:16

😊

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Amany Sayed
September 07, 2020 18:23

Part Two of 'Colorless Future' is out if you wanna read! (the one with you in it lol)

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Orenda .
September 07, 2020 19:04

HELL YEAHHHHH MATEEEEE

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Amany Sayed
September 07, 2020 19:06

also question is your prof pic you?

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Orenda .
September 08, 2020 06:23

Sorry, forgot to reply to this comment, but yeah.....no comments actually:)

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Amany Sayed
September 04, 2020 18:40

Hey Just wanted to let you know I just wrote a story dedicated to our pirate crew! You're a character in it! Would love for you to read and provide your views on it when you can!

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Orenda .
September 04, 2020 19:32

Omggg that's so innovative yayayayayayaya
IM COMINGGGGG

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Amany Sayed
September 04, 2020 19:41

YAS

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Amogh Kasat
August 24, 2020 12:45

It's a wonderful story! Please read my latest story The Secret Organisation { Part 2 }

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Orenda .
August 24, 2020 12:53

Thanks and sure!

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Amogh Kasat
August 24, 2020 12:53

I would be waiting for your comment and like

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Orenda .
August 24, 2020 12:56

Yeah sure

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August 20, 2020 19:52

Hi, Orenda! (Love your name!!! Have you read the book The Brave? One if it’s main characters is an awesome girl named Orenda!)
Just wanted to say that iver the next something-minutes I’ll be upvoting your comments 😁. Expect more karma points soooooon!
~Aerin
P. S. I saw you put a plea for Vayd to come back (and explain!) in your bio! Me tooo. I’m sad Vayd is gone; I liked chatting with him. I hope he comes back to Reedsy!

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Orenda .
August 21, 2020 04:32

Hmmm no I haven't read the book, but I LOVE your name as well, A-E-R-I-N cuteeeee

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August 21, 2020 12:42

It’s a really good book! You should totally check it out!

Haha, thaaaanks. My name has literally over 10 spellings that are USED, it’s insane.
Aerin
Erin
Aeryn
Aaron
Aeron
Arin
Aryn
aaaand way too many more. It’s funny. But thanks!

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Orenda .
August 21, 2020 13:49

Wowowo I love the variety😃😃😃

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August 21, 2020 13:53

Hehe thanks!

P. S. I don’t know if you already commented your response to the dog-or-cats poll in my bio, but just so you know, I moved it super-short quiz because it was hard to find and count all the responses around 260+ comments.
https://forms.gle/ygrgsHuajDEfsxez6
So yeah. If you already said dogs or cats, or if you want to, I’d love for you to take that quiz!

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Orenda .
August 21, 2020 14:20

ohhh yasssss i'll do the quizzzzzz thankssss

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August 20, 2020 20:03

Update: I got you up a hundred points! Congraaaats! You’re in 30th place!
~Aerin

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Orenda .
August 21, 2020 04:31

Omggggg THANKOOOOOOOOOOO

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Lily Kingston
August 14, 2020 15:44

I love the action and suspense in this story. Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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Orenda .
August 14, 2020 16:55

Aww thanks a tonnn

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D. Shikha
August 11, 2020 19:47

Amazing story! This was really nice. I liked the picture/symbol you added.
Stay safe and keep writing:)
-D
( P.S. Yesterday, I was upvoting comments (yeah, I also do that) on Rhonda's story and I came across your's and Vayd convo. And I just can't stop myself from laughing😂🤣😂 You guys are really very funny.)

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Orenda .
August 12, 2020 05:19

Awwww thankssssssss

P.S. yeah see, it all started when Vayd began upvoting Batool's and Zilla's comments🤣🤣🤣

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D. Shikha
August 12, 2020 10:06

🤣🤣
Waiting for more stories and funny comments from you:D

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Orenda .
August 12, 2020 10:20

Okiee lmaooo😂😂😂

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D. Shikha
August 25, 2020 14:44

Hey Orenda, I just submitted my first story. Would you mind checking it?

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Orenda .
August 25, 2020 15:07

oooh wowow yess

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Sia S
August 11, 2020 11:15

You detailed it very nicely. Good read. Btw I read your bio and ... what is AFRASSI ?

-S

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Orenda .
August 11, 2020 11:43

Thank you so much!! Oh well, If you check Rhondalise Mitza's stories, she has cute and wonderful stories on her characters, Afra and Gervassi....many of us love them, so we've created a ship - Afrassi. Read all of them and you might find yourself wanting to become a member of the crew as well😉

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Sia S
August 11, 2020 15:06

Welcome! Will read!

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Orenda .
August 11, 2020 16:45

Yupp

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August 11, 2020 00:27

Full of many twists! Great postscript at the end ;)

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Orenda .
August 11, 2020 05:58

Thank youuu and lmao, I guess you're the only one who noticed or commented on postscript🤣🤣 but that doesn't matter

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Avery G.
August 10, 2020 20:03

This was just amazing! You pay great attention to detail! Great job!

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Orenda .
August 11, 2020 05:56

Awww thanks a lot. It means a lot to me🖤❤️🖤❤️

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Avery G.
August 11, 2020 15:33

You're welcome!

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Orenda .
August 11, 2020 16:45

🥰🥰

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נιмму 🤎
August 13, 2020 02:25

woahh congrats on getting so high on the leaderboard sis! You deserve it! Also, I wanted to ask if you could check out my new story "Sad, broken, little Annabelle Lee" whenever you can?? would be awesome😎❤

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Orenda .
August 13, 2020 04:36

Yayayayayayay thankooooooooooooooo

I'm having my classes, but I will surely read your story🥰💃💃💃

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Kathleen March
July 30, 2020 00:29

There are some really nice humorous touches here, and lots of fast pacing. At the same time, the word choices seem off. The English is fluid, but the style seems overworked. Is it your first language? By overworked, I mean good lexicon but a bit ornate. That might be why it was difficult to follow the structure. If you wish, I am happy to give specific examples, because there is a lot of good material in the story. Maybe the text is too compact for me to easily get it or it is a style I am unused to reading?

My comments are intended to be supportive, not negative. I believe in direct, honest responses. Hope you understand.

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Orenda .
July 30, 2020 05:36

Kathleen, I would LOVE it if you let me know those examples...I want to improve in writing :))
At the same time, thank you so much for reading💜

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Amaya Reddy
December 17, 2020 22:42

*never gives the specific examples*

hahaha just kidding though lol

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Orenda .
December 18, 2020 03:03

Hahahahaaaa

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B. W.
September 17, 2020 18:08

this was a really good story and you did a great job with it ^^ so you know what? i'm giving this a 10/10

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 18:25

Omggg I'm so happy, thenks so much <3

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B. W.
September 17, 2020 18:26

No prob ^^

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 05:14

Yoooooooo orenda meh get in sed

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 07:07

Awwwww what happened?

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:21

stupid covid killin da life outta me.

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 07:35

It do be killing everyone:(

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:40

do ya know was happenin with da jugjes

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 07:41

Lol wut? No, tell me plej

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:41

about not approving stories and stuff

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:40

yas:(((

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:21

dunnoooooo

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:21

m borreedddd

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 05:14

I need da splotchhhhh

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 04:35

me nickname is SKY!!!!!!!! Ya wanna join ? We got rainbow (aerin) Sunny (amany) Snow ( Ugochi) Moon (Deepshika) and Sky ( MEEEEE)

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 07:07

Oh lmaoooo, you're THE Sky...omggg
Oh yeah, I'll join too. I'll be Oatmeal...such a noice name omgg

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:21

Yayyyyuyyyyy hehe. If you want one u could ask Snow. Ugochi. But oatmeal lmaoo

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Orenda .
September 17, 2020 07:34

Yeahhhh I like quirky nicknames!

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Sia S
September 17, 2020 07:39

Noice !!

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Skyler Grey
September 16, 2020 16:01

your quiz is the most confusing thing ive seen in my life lol

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 16:50

😃😃😯😯
glad that you at least visited it

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Skyler Grey
September 16, 2020 17:04

yeah i love quizzes like those

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 17:20

You were 😜 ig, who didnt bother to take the quiz lmao, not saying you should've, but great👌

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Skyler Grey
September 16, 2020 17:49

um, no i was Sky..?

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 18:22

Aaah! Sky next letter L?

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Amany Sayed
September 16, 2020 14:25

Did your quiz hehe
Thanks for the flash image ;)

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 14:49

hhuhu, did it keeping you in mind:)))

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 14:52

dudeeee....horror's sooo correct..

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Rebecca Lee
September 16, 2020 03:11

All I can say is that was well-done. I would go back and reread - there were some little mechanic issues here and there - and in some places, it was like you went off on a tangent. (I got kind of lost) But overall it was a good story.

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Orenda .
September 16, 2020 08:38

Thanks so much for reading and I understand there are some mistakes like, how did the baby get teleported to the storeroom XD But I'm glad you enjoyed it:)
And also, could you please mention some of those issues here? I know, the story's been approved, but I'd like to know them anyway:n

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CY Croft
September 14, 2020 05:09

I had to reread when I saw the name William. I like how this was turning out although I got confused and had to read it again.

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Orenda .
September 14, 2020 05:28

I'm really sorry it got confusing, many have said that😅 but thanks for reading and enjoying. Would matter a lot if you give a like too:)))

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August 24, 2020 00:30

ALERT! ALERT! There is more Afrassi! PIRATES, THIS IS A CODE NEW-STORY!

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Orenda .
August 24, 2020 03:05

Hmm....what? New wrirates on the ship? Cool!

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. .
August 22, 2020 07:51

This was so incredible! It was written with beautiful description and the depth in it was incredible.

~Sarah 🍔

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Orenda .
August 22, 2020 10:17

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks a lot! :))

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August 21, 2020 20:56

Hey, Orenda!
Just thought I’d drop by to saaay...
I just posted a new story!!! It’s part 1 of 3. Would you mind checking it out (when you have time)? Thaaaanks, sis!
~Aerin

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Orenda .
August 22, 2020 07:46

Yesssssseu I will😘😘

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August 22, 2020 12:20

Thanks! 👊

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Authoring Studio
September 24, 2020 15:45

Thanks a ton for speaking up against the downvoter(s)! I am really grateful to know there are some good people in this world!

Reply

Orenda .
September 24, 2020 15:49

:)))

Reply

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