To Dream Or Not To Dream

‘Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch, like me,’ sang the sweet voice. ‘I once was lost, but now I’m found,’ her voice dipped and rose in a way that made my heart still. A chill ran through the air. The family in the room cried, and cried, holding their dead sister in their arms. ‘Was blind, but now I see,’ she finished. But something felt wrong, something felt horribly wrong. There was a darkness in the air, the scene felt unsettling. They were crying but it didn’t feel real. She was dead, but it was like she was supposed to be. They were singing Christian music, but nothing here felt holy. I felt misplaced like in a dream. I sat there with tears in my eyes, she meant something to me too. But right now I couldn’t feel anything for myself, just their grief. And then I woke up. ‘Claire, Claire.’ My sister burst through the door. Her chest rising and falling rapidly, ‘Your boyfriend, he’s at the door and-his sister, she’s dead.’

My boyfriend lived five minutes away from me. We have been together for three years and two months. We have been through many highs and lows, and only one death on my side. She wasn’t that close to me but it still hit me nonetheless. But this, this was different. I rushed downstairs in my pjs, almost slipping on a wooden step. ‘Josh.’ I ran and grabbed him tight. He was shaking, he had tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked miles away. ‘It’s Lia, she’s-she’s gone.’ He started whimpering and buckled to the ground. My heart lurched, the pain was unbearable. But still, as I looked at him, it all felt fake, like my dream. I wanted to ask what happened but something stopped me. Part of me didn’t need to know, didn’t want to. He looked up at me, solemnly. ‘Would you come with me back home? My family is there and the ambulance has already taken her.’

‘Of course. Just let me brush my teeth.’ I ran up the stairs quickly. I stared into the mirror as a chill went through me. My dream was real? I splashed my face with cold water but it didn’t make me feel anymore awake. It couldn’t be. How could my dream be real? I shook my head, remembering that Josh was waiting for me. Once I finished brushing my teeth I hurried back down. I wouldn’t be needing any outside clothes if I was heading to his place, pjs would be just fine. ‘Let’s go,’ I say.

It was a silent ride with me holding his thigh. Five minutes was all it would take to get there and my heart was racing with adrenaline. When we arrived at his home, it felt empty and cold. It was dark inside and out, but not for lack of light. The kitchen and living room were empty except for his dads watch on the counter. I followed him upstairs, only to see his family packed tight in his sister’s room and a leader from his church singing Amazing Grace, while they cried with their heads bowed. A chill instantly went through me. Josh stated crying again and balling himself up on the floor. It was strange, dramatic, fake almost. But I threw the feelings aside and got down to hold him. He was grieving and I needed to be present. I needed be there to comfort him, no matter how it looked. But there was one thing I knew for sure, I felt it as soon as I heard the news, Hailey dying wasn’t an accident.

3 days later, I was sitting on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. It had been somber since Hailey’s death. It rocked the community. Flowers and notes were coming in from their church, all grieving how young she was. Josh’s dad was quiet but strong. He insisted they still do their normal routine, that they still show up for those around them. It sounded absurd to me. It was known that Hailey had problems with her health, her heart specifically, but she had recently gotten surgery and had been doing great. She had been taking her pills everyday like she was supposed to. This came as a shock to us all. ‘Claire?’ I heard a knock on my door. ‘There’s a gift for Josh at our door.’ Why is it at our house? ‘Coming!’ I yelled. I scrambled out the door, anxious to find out. There was a note, it read:

To the McDavidsons,

I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your dear, Hailey. She was lovely, beautiful, and had the voice of an angel. I will remember her always. I did not know your address so I had these flowers sent to Claire. May your mourning be turned to dancing and you be comforted by the Lord. ~ Lily Van Peterson

Well that solves the problem. They didn’t know his address. I’ll take it to him then. Upon arriving at his home, I realized his dad wasn’t home because his truck wasn’t in the driveway. The garbage had been pulled to the front. I suppose his dad took the trash out. It was open so I went to close it, assuming the garbage company had already come by. But when I went to close it, something caught my eye. It was Hailey’s pills. They had been thrown out. It made me sick to see them, sad even. I closed the garbage and headed in to deliver the flowers. They leave the key for me under the mat sometimes. As I put the flowers on the table I had a flashback. It was a bottle of pills, just like Hailey’s, it had been thrown out and all of a sudden Hailey had started aggressively coughing. But that was a dream I had recently, wasn’t it? ‘Hailey?’ I looked up and saw Josh walking down the stairs in his pajamas. ‘Hey J, I was just dropping these off. Some lady from the church didn’t know your address but apparently she knew mine.’ I chuckled, lowly and awkwardly. ‘Oh, thanks. I’ll let my dad know.’ They were beautiful flowers, tall and lively. Just like Hailey. ‘Well anyways, I gotta go.’ I started to back up to head to the door. ‘Already? You just got here, stay a little will ya?’ I should, he was sad and mourning. ‘Okay, I’ll stay.’ ‘You know I was the one who found her.’ ‘Oh, that must’ve been terrible. If you need to talk about it I’m here and if not I totally understand. I’ll still be here.’ He nodded his head. ‘I found her on the floor. It looked like she was playing in her room. I was calling her name but she wasn’t answering.’ Another chill. ‘I-I had a dream a couple weeks ago. Multiple actually. They feel real and scary. And they were of your sister and your family.’ I stopped, unsure of how much to tell him. ‘What happened in them?’ He asked. So I told them to him, but left out a few important details. ‘That’s eerie, Claire. I don’t like that.’ ‘Me either.’ And when I slept that night I dreamed of talking with Josh about my dreams again. But when I awoke, I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. How much I had told him and how much I didn’t. And that scared me because this time I dreamed of Hailey’s murder. I awoke with sweat, it was hot in my room and the temperature seemed to be rising. What day was it? I tapped my phone to see the date. Sunday! I have to go. I have brunch with Sav. I rushed to get dressed. I overslept, damn it. I scooped up my hoodie, my bag, my wallet, and rushed out to my car. The drive was 15 minutes but it felt like 25. All I could think of over and over again was my dreams. The restaurant was cute and modern. It had a lot of booth seating and cute waitresses. I searched the room for Sav, my best friend. Once I spotted her I B-lined for her. ‘Sav! It’s so good to see you.’ I hugged her, relieved. ‘You okay, you look like you saw a ghost?’ ‘I did.’ I spit out. ‘Kind of’ I looked down at the table. Sav looked worried. ‘Okayy. Spit it out, girl! If you saw a ghost, I gotta see it too,’ she laughed. ‘Not a real ghost, just dreams. Bad ones. I don’t even know if I can repeat it.’ Now Savlooked really worried. ‘Okayy.’ Sav looked around. ‘Do we need to speak to someone?’ ‘No! No. You have to promise never to say a thing.’ ‘Okay, okay, spit it out.’ ‘I dreamed of Hailey getting murdered. And I can’t say by who.’ ‘You don’t need to, there’s been chatter going around. You’re not the first to suggest it. And I see why you don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to either.’ And with that, the conversation was over and I was no more relieved. The dreams wouldn’t stop, and I started acting different. I couldn’t look people in the eyes anymore, I didn’t want to hang out much. Everyone assumed it was just Hailey’s death that had hit me. But then dreams followed me day and night, when I was awake too. I would dream of boring things like eating grapes or worse things, like someone driving into a deer. But they would happen. Sometimes I’d have a dream after something happened. I wasn’t getting much sleep at night so sometimes I’d fall asleep in the middle of the day or right before dinner. It was becoming to where I didn’t know when I was awake or asleep. When I was dreaming or living. ‘Hey Claire, where did you put the bug spray?’ My sister asked. We were about to eat dinner but there was a wasp flying around our back door and it was bothering my mom. ‘Umm, should be where we always keep it.’ ‘It’s not there.’ ‘Then I don’t know.’

My sister grumbled and kept looking. But then I remembered a dream I had, where I took the bug spray and was spraying the grass. Why was I spraying the grass? I looked out the huge glass windows to the backyard, only to find the bug spray sitting in the grass. That’s odd. ‘Umm, Zoe, I found it. It’s in the backyard.’ ‘That’s weird.’ ‘I know.’ And with that, I was getting dizzy. ‘I’m going to head upstairs.’ I say. ‘Hey! What about dinner?’ Zoe asks. ‘You can eat without me, I’m heading up.’ But I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have headed upstairs. Drowsiness hit me out of nowhere. I was fighting my sleep. I squinted out my window. I saw a black car pull in behind our house and a black figure get out. Is that Josh’s dad’s car? But before I knew it, I was sleeping. ‘Claire?’ Sang a deep voice. ‘It’s your turn.’ ‘Who are you?’ My heart was beating in my chest. It felt like a drum at a ceremony. It was getting too loud in my ears. ‘You know who I am and this time I’m coming for you.’

‘I know it, I know you killed Hailey!’ I screamed. The deep voice laughed. I backed up to a wall, it was dark all around me. Something shone in the light in front of me. The reflection of the moon bounced off a silver knife in the man’s hand. ‘Shh, it’ll be quick.’ He lunged toward me, and I woke up screaming. My breaths were locked in my chest. It took too much to get them out of me and breathe. ‘Claire.’ Said a voice. I screamed, scurrying to the corner of my bed. ‘Get away from me.’ My chest heaved up and down. ‘Claire, it’s just me.’ Why couldn’t I recognize the voice? ‘Bro?’ ‘No, it’s Josh.’ ‘Josh? What are you doing here.’

‘I just came over to be with you since I’ll be gone for a week but you were sleeping when I got here so I just stayed. You woke up screaming, it looked like you were having nightmares.’ He paused. ‘Was it of my sister?’

‘No, but I don’t want to talk about it. I just count to ten, and hope that by time I get to ten I wake up.’ He stared at me, blankly. ‘Okay, we don’t have to talk about it. I hope counting to ten always works though.’ He said sarcastically. I ignored him. He rubbed his face with his hand. ‘My family is heading to Disneyland for a week.’

‘A week? You’re going to leave me here alone, to mourn by myself?’ ‘I know but the church is insisting we go, they’re paying for it.’ ‘Oh wow, a chance to run away from all your problems and leave me alone to face it too.’

‘No, we’re going to get our minds off of it.’ ‘Josh, it happened less than a week ago!’

‘That’s true. But again, they’re insisting we go.’ Maybe this is a good thing. More time away so that I can deal with these nightmares and stay away from his dad. ‘Okay, want any help packing?’ ‘Sure, thanks Claire, I’m glad you understand.’ Understanding was an understatement but it didn’t matter anymore. They were leaving this weekend, and I intended to help him pack and deal with my own problems.

The next morning Josh went home, but I got a call from him soon after. ‘Hey Babe, can I ask you a favor?’

‘Sure thing.’ ‘My family is heading out of town today and won’t be home to feed the cat, can you feed him tonight?’ ‘Okay, just make sure to leave the key.’ ‘Thanks Babe, see you tomorrow.’ And, there’s been gossip going around the church about, about my sisters death. You don’t believe that, do you?’ I froze. I didn’t know what to say. ‘Sav told me you had been having more dreams.’

‘Um, no of course not. I think everyone’s just really grieved by everything and we all just need time.’

‘Okay, good. But yea, me too. Okay, bye.’ Why would Sav tell Josh about my dreams? I popped a couple pills of Zyrtec into my mouth. I was allergic to cats, really badly, but nothing a couple pills couldn’t fix. I need to call Sav. ‘Hello, Sav? It’s me, we need to talk.’ ‘Sure thing, what’s up?’ ‘You told my boyfriend about my conversation with you. Why?’

‘Because he needed to know. His family just went through something tragic and your stupid idea could ruin his family’s reputation at the church.’ ‘So you care more about this hypothetical scenario than getting your best friend some help? And then you went behind my back to my boyfriend without telling me?’ ‘Sav, you and I both know my top priority is to protect the pastors family. I work at the church, I work with Josh and his family. This is just how things are. So if I have to go over your head, so be it.’ ‘Who even are you?’ I was disgusted. ‘I’m the same person I’ve always been and you need to quit speaking about your dreams before something bad happens.’

‘Before something bad happens? What are you even-you know what- forget this. I guess I never really knew you.’ I hung up. I needed to throw up.

Later that day, I drive to Josh’s place, find the key under the mat and insert the key into the lock. The door opened with a creak. All the lights were out and the house had the same empty, dark feeling as it always had. Why is the pastors house so creepy? I went to the kitchen to find the cat food. I heard something drop. In the corner of my eye something moved. I glanced to my right. ‘Hello?’ After a few seconds of nothing I continued to open the bag with the cats food. A few seconds later the cat came, holding a dead mice in her jaws. ‘Kitty, that’s a little nasty, don’t you think?’ I pet her and brushed her hair. ‘The noise was you, wasn’t it?’ I smiled, calming down. Maybe I should see someone about my nightmares, I think to myself. ‘Now for your food.’ I poured her food into the bowl and put the bag away. ‘Okay, all done. But I can’t stay long Kitty, I’m sorry.’ I pet her once last time and go to wash my hands in the half bathroom before I start reacting to the pet dander. But as I went to dry my hands, something else caught my eye yet again. But this time I knew it was like something I had seen before. The moonlight caught on a silver object. The black I saw was too flat to be darkness. 1, 2, 3. Amazing grace started playing in my head, like a memory. Fear paralyzed me. 4, 5, 6. I saw a watch I recognized on the dark figures wrist, I heard the shuffle of the figures feet. 7, 8, 9. Please, wake up. And the last thing I saw was the silver object and dark mass rush towards me before my blood screamed into the night.