Nobody Knows.

Nobody knows what I see.

A smiling man, behind him a dried up spirit or soul. Growing up it used to terrify me, but as time goes on I’m more used to seeing the world in my warped ways. I still don’t know why I see the way I do or what is stopping me from living a normal life. You only have one life, one chance to live it right and I was given a vision into human nature.

“Johnathan, Johnathan!! Are you okay?”, the porcelain skinned girl infront of me asked.

I woke up from my day dream in a daze and nodded. I didn’t really like to speak much I’m not sure why this girl always talks to me, maybe she sees the dark soul hidden within me.

She continued to ramble at me during the whole class, and I followed with some small “ok” and gentle nods or shaking my head.

Finally lunch time.

I walk away not towards the cafeteria but towards the bathroom where I can finally escape from the harsh reality of the life I’m living in.

I pull out the blade in my baggy blue jeans pockets.

I’ve been doing this since I was a kid, the Psychiatrist didn’t help she thought I was manic and they send me to a mental institution, where everything got worst and I saw darker and dark souls and spirit.

This is the only thing that has really helped me. So I trace the blade down my Arms the pain distracting me for a second or two the sensation of the blood gushing from out of my body, seeping and staining my arms…I still have to keep living it was the last thing my mother asked of me.

I rinsed the crimson blood off my arms and splashed cold water on my face. As I looked down on my arm, it all hit me at once my arms were full of scars from my self pleasure. Different wounds from different types of knives I’ve tried it all but the blade works the best because the wound is sharp and easy to make and even when the blade gets dull I still feel the pain.

The porcelain faced girl was waiting for me outside, I often forget her name is it Amerson or Amethyst or was it Rose.

I’ll never know, we might be lovers, we might be friends I don’t even know but I like when she calls my name she seems to be the only one who knows it.

“JOHNATHAN!! Get out the bathroom, I know what you’re doing in there and that’s not ok”.

Startled, I came outside to see, her bawling her eyes out.

“Rose, are you ok, why the sudden tears?”, I said to her.

“Why Johnathan!? Why? Why must you punish yourself?”.

I looked down and shook my head at her.

“How do you know”.

“I lie in a bed with you, countless nights, coercing you to sleep even when your heavy spirit is against it. The feelings I bear for you are more than love. I see you Johnathan, more than you will ever see me. You don’t even know my name and my heart still bears heavy just. for you”, she said to me.

I looked down shamelessly avoiding her lonely gaze as she looked at me not with distain but with I think love.

“So what is your name and what are we?”

She glanced at me hopeful and with much love, “I am Heaven Rose”.

I nodded and held her in my arms.

Finally, school is over!

I headed into my car and drove far away to the creek nearby my house. Listening to the ocean’s sound and waves truly calms my spirit and I’m normally isolated in this area so no spirits or anything weird really.

My mind started to wander, I remember how I started seeing the spirits. It was the day my mother died. I remember seeing him stab her in the heart and the blood gushing from out of her lifeless body. Her eyes bloodshot and frozen in terror. The flames engulfed her body until there was nothing left and the day after I started to see human nature.

The flames engulfed her body, till nothing was left but her body burnt to a crisp in solitude. The day after I started to see human nature for what it was truly…evil.

Sometimes I look back and recall my mother. Her long straight black hair often left in a messy bun. Her bright smile as she looked at me with innocent eyes telling me stories of her youth and present. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, if it wasn’t just her gone. I often wish I was the one that disappeared with her. Maybe we would become beautiful shining stars in the night sky shining together or the seashell’s at the bottom of the ocean floor. I just wish no matter what state, no matter what feelings, I just wish I was with my mother.

My rose, my fragile flower that blooms only for me. The way I see her she will never know it.She’s all I have, but I’ll never show it. As fragile as she is, as soft as she speaks, the souls that follow her I’ll never acknowledge as I know I have my own spirits too like everyone else.

“Rose?!?!What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been waiting for you a long time, since school ended. Where have you been?”, she said to me.

“I was just at the creek, listening to the ocean breeze and watching the stars”.

I opened the door.

She changed her slippers, the normal routine. I walked upstairs uncertainty clouding my thoughts.

I have to tell her.

I cannot torture myself.

I have to tell her.

But I don’t want her to go. She’s going to leave like everyone else. MY FLOWER CANT GO. She’s all I have and all I need. My mind, my body, my soul is her’s everything if she asked for it. She’s the only anchor in my dark storm of life, I can’t let her go!

”rose…would you ever leave me?”

She looked at me in confusion as she started pacing the stairs to where I was standing.

“Jona, I am here as long as you need. But you have to be honest with me”.

Her eyes tracing over my eyes. She shot me a soft, yet harsh look. My eyes gazed down avoiding all eye contact in case she could see me for the real me. The monster they all called me in my home town. The fatherless and motherless child I am. I don’t want to lie to her. I want her to see me just as I see her. Transparent. Peerless. Admirable.

“I need to talk to you”.

As we say on my bed.

Normally we do more intimate stuff, but this is serious.

“Rose I see things, spirits or souls, I don’t know what they are but I see them and they haunt me”, I said to her as my voice became squeaky and cracked bit by bit.

“Jona do you know that as life goes on and the more trauma person faces. The more they despise living and the more they hate themselves. I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through but it take time to work through your inner mental struggles to become a version that make you happy. I want you to keep on living even with the things you see. Don’t let it hinder you from living life to the fullest. To others you sound like a maniac but to me. I see you for who and what you are.”

I fell asleep to her holding me tight in her arms.

Till I woke up in a white hospital room. My hand bound behind my back. My mouth covered with a gauze.

“Where’s my ROSE. BRING. ME.MY.ROSE.”.

I screamed. I shouted they wouldn’t let me out.

They said I was dreaming.

They said I was hallucinating.

But it was real.

I felt the warmth coming off her body.

I felt her body pushed up on mine.

She. Is.Real.

She is mine.

Where is my rose…?

Has she abandoned me like everyone else? Or are they right and did I hallucinate her.

Rose was a girl.

It is true.

But she was never mine.

She was the story made up by a mad man. To comfort himself from the things he see’s.

Rose was real…but I killed her.