You Are My Best Friend and We’ve Got Some Shit to Shoot

You Are My Best Friend and We’ve Got Some Shit to Shoot

You ever meet someone and you just immediately feel it?

That spark.

How many times in life do you get that feeling? Get to stare across the table at someone and think “This person is a missing piece of my soul, I didn’t even realize it was missing. Now that I’ve found them there is no way life can go on without them.”

— —<3 — —

Tukker felt the tap just when the audiobook was getting good. The vampire was just about to bang the werewolf after their species declared war on each other.

Jumping a little in the chair Tukker turned to find hazel eyes sparkling. The cashier who had served the delicious sugar coma inducing brownie and hot chocolate.

“Hi, just a heads up, I’m clocking out soon and while I love that book, I don’t think Cheryl the 65 year old Grandma who owns the bakery will like it. Though with Cheryl, you never know."

The confusion must have shown on Tukker’s face, the cashier continued, “Your headphones didn’t connect to your phone when you started to play your book. It’s been playing aloud for the last hour or so. There was no one else around and I love that book so I just let it play.”

“Oh no, I’m so sorry” The blood rushed to Tukker’s face.

“Please. It made my closing side work so much better. Isn’t it so hot when..” The cashier sat down at the seat across from Tukker.

30 Minutes Later:

“Oh shit, I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Sofi.” They shook hands as tears streamed down their faces from laughter.

30 Minutes Later:

“I don’t mind if you hang out here, but I need you to tone down the singing. Taylor Swift sings that song and lets keep it that way!" Cheryl shouted from behind the counter.

“Sorry Cheryl,” voices chorused in a tone that was clearly not sorry.

15 Minutes Later:

“And that’s when my Mom left my Dad and I haven’t seen her since. I miss her, but it was kind of a relief, ya know. Does that make me awful for thinking that?”

20 Minutes Later

“Bye Cheryl” Sofi and Tukker waved to the woman as she passed them in the parking lot. The bakery had closed at 2pm and they had headed out Sofi’s car to get the scarf Tukker was going to borrow for a work dinner tomorrow.

— — 6 Months Later<3 — —

The office was grey and Special Agent Paul Hudson was afraid the grey was starting to seep into his soul. At 6 AM he didn’t expect to find anyone in the office, so he was surprised when he went to brew coffee in the office kitchen to find the slumped over form of Davis. Bleary bloodshot eyes groaned at up him when he placed a hot cup of coffee in front of the grey, ruffled blob of the Marshall.

“Oh god, please tell me you added arsenic.”

“That bad huh?”

Davis squinted and slowly pushed himself back from the cheap table and Hudson wasn’t sure what made more noise the chair scrapping against the floor or Davis’s cracking back.

He splashed some water on his face, rinsed out his mouth, sunk back into the chair and started sipping coffee with his eyes closed.

“Man, are you okay?”

Davis squinted one eye open, opening two would require too much energy.

“I spent 3 hours trying to get a straight story out of those two….nightmares yesterday. And since I got no relevant information I have to continue the interview today.

He stood and started pacing the small kitchen.

“I swear, I’ve…I’ve never had an interview like this before. We tried to separate them. You remember when Jenny brought the twins in last week.”

Peter’s eyes bugged at the memory of the screaming toddlers. A fit like he had never seen commenced when Jenny tried to leave one of the kids with Davis so she could take the other to a doctors appointment. WWIII.

“We finally calmed them down enough to stop the tears and threats, but there was no getting anything from them after that. Sofi fell asleep against Tucker who then glared at me when I tried to wake them. I got scolded like a child and I’m a federal agent….Damn, shit.”

Davis hissed as coffee sloshed out of the black mug, burning his hand.

“Man, sit down, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

“Promise?”

Hudson chuckled. Davis had always been a good agent. He was new, and took his job seriously, a boy scout.

“Look, how about I finish the interview? My morning meeting got pushed back, I was gonna use the time to catch up on some pap…”

Hudson stopped at look of pure relief that flashed across Davis’s face, a stay of execution for a condemned man.

He wasn’t fully briefed on the strange case, it came in as he was wrapping up one, but he had interviewed partners before. The most important first step was establishing the weak link between them and needling at it. Every relationship had it’s turning point.

He also knew that Davis had had them brought to the offices yesterday. Exactly according to the rule book. Full super cop, tried to scare them with the book and the badge. Hudson decided to do the interview at the safe house. Get the pair feeling safe and comfortable. Interview tactics had always been his speciality, and these two, while interesting, weren’t anything he couldn’t handle. A little challenge would be nice though.

— — <3 — —

Dutch Bros delivered, snacks and everyone settled in comfortable chairs and couches.

“Okay,” Hudson began, “The goal of this interview is ascertain whether or not you two qualify for witness protection services. Can you tell me why we are here today?”

2 Hours Later

“And that’s how we met. That brownie changed my life. Do you remember the name of that book?” Tukker finally came out of the story telling daze.

“Why is his head on the table? Did he die?”

“No he’s not dead, he groaned a few minutes ago.” Sofi sipped the reminder of her Dutch Bros slurping the last little bit of melted ice. Feet tucked under legs with a cozy blue blanket.

“No…Don’t poke him Tukker. He’s clearly alive, you don’t need to check.”

Hudson raised his head. He’s not even quite sure when he rested it against the table. He had never done anything so unprofessional but this was unlike any interview in his 20 years with the Marshall’s office. He wasn’t quite sure when he lost the upper hand. Shamefully, if he really thought about it, he probably never had it

He owed Davis a beer.

Time to get back….or gain some semblance of control. Deep breath man, get this meeting back on track.

“What the fuck does that have to do with the 16 death threats against you?”

Well, there goes any chance he had of seeming professional.

Fuck it.

“I’ve never seen so many active death threats from so many different parties at once.”

He lifted the heavy file from the table and waved it their faces. No reaction.

“The entire Balldochi crime family,” he started to read from the list.

“The 76 motorcycle gang, an entire group of Reddit users from a Joe Rogan thread, a high school robotics team, two IRS agents….”

“They make doing taxes way too hard. It’s ridiculous and unfair.” Sofi interrupted.

“Yeah, who actually knows how to do their taxes,” Tucker shrugged.

Hudson paused for a moment, and decided to ignore the comment. He didn’t have the time.

“…Reverend Fransico Herandez….a reverend? Really?”

“We made him think he was being haunted. Judgmental jackass.” Sofi smiled.

Nope, he didn’t have time for that one either.

“Who is Oliver Jemison?”

“The security supervisor at the Lourve, the man had one job.” Tukker’s eyes rolled.

“Joe Smith?"

The laughter died for the first time.

Sofi stood up and started shouting, “That asshole mechanic thought he could….

“Okay...okay got it,” Hudson raised his hands in a calming gesture at the wild animals before him.

He glanced down at the last name of the list and he exhaled in shock.

“Raymond Daniels?” He whispered in awe.

“Ugh, that asshole. Threw his nasty trash on the ground. Fucking trash can five feet away.” Sofi grumbled.

Tukker began laughing so hard he could barely hear the words “We….. well we hired a garbage man to take a dumpster to his house and dump it all over his front yard. Every week for 6 weeks. We skipped one week. Let him think he's safe."

“You dumped trash all over the front yard of the leader of the ‘The Base?”

“What’s the base? Is that his bands' name? That’s bad.” Sofi grimaced.

“The Base is the deadliest Neo-Nazi group on American soil.”

“Oh shit, really?”

Hudson laid his head back down the on the table.

— — 6 months before <3 — —

You ever meet someone and you just immediately feel it?

That spark.

How many times in life do you get that feeling? Get to stare across the table at someone and realize this person is a missing piece of my soul that I didn’t even realize was missing and now that I’ve found them no way can life go on without them.

Sofi couldn’t let the opportunity pass her by.

“Wait!”

Tukker stopped and turned around, thin gold necklace glinting in the sun casting sparkles against their face, beautiful red scarf in hand.

“Look I know this might sound crazy,” Sofi shouted across the empty parking lot.

“I know it’s gonna sound crazy, but I’ve been dying to ask you all morning, I’ve been feeling it since the moment I saw you. It’s one of the strongest feelings I’ve ever had. And I don’t know if you feel the same way but would you….”

Sofi’s heart was pounding. Was this question really about to come out?

Tukker said it first. Stole the words straight from Sofi’s mouth.

“Would you like to maybe go find someplace to set a fire or engage in slightly frowned upon potentially illegal activity which hopefully reeks havoc on medicore men?”

Sofi’s smile was so wide it hurt, “Let’s fucking go.”

The giggles filled every corner of the parking lot as the newly found soul mates did a little dance hug.

Sofi’s eyes leaked tears, “Let’s take my car. My friend’s mom has burn piles ready to go most Saturdays. We can practice fire starting.”