A stormy day

Could he achieve the unachievable? Dominate the indominable? Conquer the unconquered? That was, admittedly, an exaggerated way of phrasing it. Alas, that was Tom’s mind at the moment. The so-called ‘unachievable’ task was merely a university interview the following morning. It wasn’t his first try, but he certainly hoped it would be his last. Doubt slowly crept into his mind that night, despite all the grand self-talk of the past weeks. As a matter of fact, Tom had worked hard for this opportunity ever since he left his previous university. It hadn’t been an easy year, battling something inside himself. In fact, back when he hadn’t known how to face it, he had given it the name Lexi. Now, as he lay on his bed, Tom knew it was all her doing; that tightness in his chest, that uneasy feeling brewing in his stomach and even that awful headache, so strong that he felt as if an anchor was pulling him towards the depths of the ocean. The last six months had been better, compared to the previous year, but she could still surprise him, especially in moments like these. So, he decided, they had to talk, if only to sleep a little better tonight.

“It isn’t even surprising at this point,” Tom muttered to himself.

Of course he would be in the middle of a storm, surrounded only by the vastness of the ocean. He was on an old ship; the kind you’d expect a pirate to own. On the starboard side of the deck, gazing at the chaos as though it were the most beautiful sunset, stood Lexi. Her hair, a rich hazel, was ruffled by the strong wind. Her cheek rested on her right hand, the other idly tapping on the wooden rail. Lexi was a teenager, a brat more like, and was seriously exhausting him. The fact that he was wearing a pale cyan pyjama set decorated with little blue clouds and, somehow, flip-flops, did not help improve his mood. He looked at the sky in silent pleading before he descended the steps leading down from the aft of the ship. As he walked towards her, because clearly, she hadn’t heard him, he cleared his throat.

“Lexi, could you listen to me for a moment?”

Her gaze finally slipped towards him, annoyed.

No surprise there.

She huffed and then sighed, turning around and leaning on the rails with her elbows.

“What is it?” she asked, irritated.

At that, he felt a tinge of it too.

“Um, I don’t know, probably the panic I am feeling right now, the night before my important interview?!”

A hint of sadness found its place in her eyes, only for it to disappear a second later. She scoffed loudly. “Oh, I’m sorry, were you hoping to sleep peacefully tonight when your entire life is being decided tomorrow?”

The audacity made him stumble back a little. It was going to be an important day, but would it change his entire life?

No.

Absolutely not.

There were other universities, other choices, other roads to take.

At times they could be on the same page but, apparently, tonight wasn’t one of those times. Around them, the storm was getting angrier, the waves stronger, swaying the boat noticeably.

“Listen, I get it.”

Tom’s voice came out louder despite the short distance between them.

“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the one who has to go there tomorrow.

Just…let me relax before then, okay?”

Lexi stood straighter, her unbothered exterior gone. Her left hand gripped the railing, thunder echoing behind her. The clouds were a shade of grey so dark they almost looked black, swallowing the last patch of blue sky. Now, the storm was getting wilder and more unpredictable.

“No, you do not get ‘it’.

You are the one who’s forgetting I will be there too, as always.

I can’t watch you fail.”

She paused, her breathing quickening.

“I can’t go through that again.”

The thunderstorm roared around them. Tom could hardly think as waves crashed against the boat, drenching his clothes and almost making him fall. Lexi’s accusing glare only faltered briefly, a tinge of regret in her expression.

It didn’t matter. It was true, he did leave; it had been one of the hardest choices of his life. Maybe, some part of him still hadn’t forgiven himself. So, in a way, yes, he had failed.

But was it really failure when it taught him resilience and self-love? It had been a lesson learned the hard way, through a year of fear, angst and sorrow. Tom remembered the struggles clearly, so vivid they were replaying anew on his skin: the complete and utter fear that made it impossible to speak, the all-consuming angst of constant doubts about the future and the deep sorrow of never being able to get that part of yourself back, the one who still didn’t know that feelings could run this deep.

Lexi knew all of this.

She was all of this.

He braced himself against the railing, his foot slipping on the seawater flooding the boat and almost knocking him to the ground. An arm wrapped around him, holding him upright. Lexi’s hair was completely drenched, as was her face. Tom grinned slightly; he knew she was crying. So, he spoke gently but loud enough so she could hear.

“I know you’re scared. I let the panic take control. I let you believe there was danger. But it’s not like that anymore and you know it. You’ve seen me face life, time and time again. I’ve got you now.”

Her eyes were wide, sadness radiating from her very being.

Then she hugged him.

Sloppily. Suddenly.

They both crashed onto the deck, the cold rain cascading over his face. But he wasn’t bothered by it, nor by the wind or the soaked clothes. A smile spread across his face as he basked in the turmoil of it all.

A few moments later, Lexi’s muffled voice reached him.

“What if it doesn’t go as you planned? I don’t know if I can do it, Tom.”

He laughed.

Her head snapped up immediately, a frown knitting her brows.

“Of course you can.

We’ll do it together.

We managed it once, why not twice? And, Lexi, why on earth can’t you be a little more positive?”

At that she chuckled as well, finally pulling away from him and standing up. She offered him her hand, and he took it more than gladly. As they slowly pushed their way up the stairs that led them to the ship’s wheel, he heard her mutter sarcastically, “Try thinking positively in the middle of a literal storm.”

Funny how she said that, as if she hadn’t created it in the first place.

Tom shook his head imperceptibly, a small smirk on his face.

Together, they steered the boat towards the tiny speck of sunlight slowly emerging in the distance.

The alarm woke Tom up the next morning. It was early, seven in the morning to be precise, much sooner than his eleven-a.m. interview. It gave him time to take a few breaths and whisper to himself that he could do this.

When he pulled back the curtains, a grey sky dotted with white specks greeted him.

Tom grinned.

Somewhere inside him, he knew Lexi was probably doing the same.

After all, it was going to be a very stormy day.