The Wal-Martians

“Howdy y’all. Welcome to the Wal-Marts!”

I done greeted that family like I would any other, even though they looked plenty suspicious ta me from the get go. I’d spotted ‘em in the parkin’ lot, an’ that’s when my spidey senses first started tinglin’. Ya see, when ya work at the Wal-Marts as long as I done, ya get ta noticin’ all sorts a stuff about the clientele, as it were, an’ let me just tell ya, these folks was differed. They definitely wasn’t from this county.

Here’s ‘ut happened first. I seen ‘em walkin’ clear from the back a the parkin’ lot, but I ain’t never seen ‘em drive by the front doors first. People at the Wal-Marts always be drivin’ by the front doors before parkin’. Nobody just ‘cepts some spot at the back a the lot. True Wal-Marts folk be drivin’ as close as they can to them front doors to see if they can get one a them prime spots, usually comin’ by 3 or 4 times just ta make sure they don’t miss one. This family don’t be passin’ by, not once! That’s ‘ut first put me onta the discommoditousness, as it were.

Now, my official job at the Wal-Marts is door greeter. In actual, it’s “Hospitality Manager,” but I ain’t one to be churchin’ a thing up like that. I stand at the door, an’ I greet folk, so yeah, door greeter. But sometimes, when somefin’ seems off putin’, like this ‘ere family was doin’, then my job changes up a bit. See, I don’t just stand at the door to make folk be feelin’ welcome an’ such. I’m ‘ere to keep the Wal-Marts safe an’ sound from the kind a riff-raff that be thinkin’ they can upset the place someways. So, when I was feelin’ that offness ‘bout this group, I shifted from job one ta job two, an’ I tell ya I ain’t never seen a family like this un. But let me start back at the start.

So, I don’t be seein’ ‘em in the lot, an’ ‘fore they ever got ta me, another wonky thing done past. This ‘ere family, which was a mom, dad, teenager boy an’ little girl, grabbed the first cart they saw, ya know, the one that no one grabs cause they know it’s got a busted wheel or some other problem? Yeah, they grab that un, an’ when that gimp wheel starts flippin’ ‘n spinnin’ in crazy circles an’ they gots ta push down on the cart handles ta get ‘er to stop…they don’t even pick a differed one! Then, an’ you’ll not never believe this, they actually grab a samitizin’ wipe from the ‘spenser an’ wipe that cart handle down, ‘fraid that COVID is real or somefin!

Then they was close enough fer my greetin’, an’ that’s a when all my other senses started confirmin’ the truth of all things. First sense up, sniff. When I sniff my Wal-Marts customers, they gots one a three aromas: 1. body odor, 2. smoke from either ciggys or puffers, or 3. animal food. Not sure why folk don’t smell like animals but only be smellin’ like cat foods, but that’s how it is. Anyways, this family don’t smell like none a that. If anything, they smelt kinda like clean laundry, which is honestly not heard a in these ‘ere parts.

Then there was the greetin’. “Howdy y’all. Welcome to the Wal-Marts!” I says, like I done said, an’ they says, “Good evening, miss. Lovely day, wouldn’t you agree?”

THE HECK?!

Ain’t nobody in these parts got the stones nor the brains to be enuciatin’ their words like that! “Good evening, miss?” I heard some funny talkin’ in my day, but that dern near took the cake.

Then, an’ the realzation a this hit me just as quick, they was dressed up all funny too. Not a one of ‘em was wearin’ pajama pants! No flannel or cartoon characters on the bunch. Dad had on a shirt an’ a tie (a neck tie!), Mom gots a scarf (it ain’t cold, mind ya), an’ the little girl even had a damn dress on! Hoo birds! Also, four pairs a actual shoes. No slippers, Crocs, or knock-off Hey Fellas in the fam.

Whatsmore, they all done smiled at me, an’ guess ‘ut? Teeth was white an’ not a one was missin’! NOT A ONE! I knew at that point it was up ta me to follow these intralopers about an figgur out what in hell was up.

A course, followin’ a family around the Wal-Marts ain’t that easy a task, cause you know them two kids is gonna tear off in five differed ‘rections at once. Sally’s gonna go pull all a the big bouncy balls outta the rubber bungie ball thingie an’ scatter ‘em all over the toy ‘partment while Billy works on sneakin’ Pokeyman cards into his pocket while Mom an’ Dad go dig through the $5 DVDs bin lookin’ fer anything that might have boobies in it. That’s how it is.

But this ‘ere family don’t be doin’ none a that! Factin’ they stayed a gether the whole time. The parents even held onta the kids’ hands. Then, more weird stuff was showin’ up just in the way they was walkin’ around. They kept stoppin’ at the end of each aisle an’ lookin’ both ways before enterin’ a intersection, like they had a mind to not be impeedin’ any cross-cart traffic that might show by. Whenever they got proximous to anyone, as it were, they even slowed down an’ gave rightaway to ‘em. They let three dang families get into the milk cooler before ‘em. An’ they was practically there first. I ain’t never seen that ‘fore.

Then, an’ this was the moment I knew I was dealin’ with supernatural or at least other-worldly forces, I notice what they was puttin’ in their cart, an’ you won’t believe me when I tell ya. Aisle by aisle, they kept passin’ up the cheap Great Value foods an’ pickin’ out the more spensive stuff instead! Can a noodles? Chef Boyerdee! Blue jeans? Levi’s Strass! When they did go to the ‘lectronic’s section, they skipped right past the $5 DVDs an’ bought the entire Downton Abbey collection on Blu-ray! Ever season! An’ they looked ‘cited about watchin’ it a gether! I swear smoke musta been comin’ outta my ears at that point.

Then they went ta the farmcy, an’ I figured it must be ta get the fat shot at a discount price now that our amazin’ president done lowerd the rip on that John. Gettin’ my fat shot fer cheap was well worth givin’ up my food stamps fer a month, I’ll tell ya that! I’m not even hungry no more anyways. But, instead of snaggin’ some Weightgonvy, they stood in line an’ got flu shots! FLU SHOTS! I guess aliens don’t have to worry none ‘bout catchin’ autism. Must be nice.

I was beginin’ ta worry about hostile ‘tentions at that point. I mean, there’s a Krogger right down the road for folk with them kinda inclinations, as it were. I had to get ‘em outta here ‘fore they tried ta take over the world!

Luckly, just as I thunk this, they strolled over to the checkout line. But the weirdness don’t stop there. They was a good 6 or 7 (6-7!!!) feet behind the person in front of ‘em. When they got done with the self-checker, they tapped that they done had a 5-star experience without anyone standin’ over ‘em beamin’ the guilt. Who does that?

I figgered they couldn’t get outta the store fast enough for everyone else’s comfort, but I knew they’d be stoppin’ at the Kentucky Lotto machine to grab some scratchers, like we all do. But nope, shot past that bugger without a secon’ look! Then, they got back to me, mannin’ my post at the door, an’ they gots a printed receipt ready to show me for their unbagged items, which was ever single item! ‘Parently they didn’t wanna use the plastic bags, whicher the only ones we gots, so they skipped baggin’ altogether! As I was verfyin’ the purchases (an’ havin my ever lovin’ mind blown by each an’ every item…I didn’t know we had half that stuff…they got the named bran’ KY Jelly, an’ I don’t mean Kentucky!), they hit me with some of that there Martian speak again.

“We so much appreciate your assistance in the store today, miss. We have never seen such an attentive associate. It is our sincere hope that your customer service skills are not going unnoticed by your supervisors. You truly are an asset to this company.”

If I had a ray gun right then, I’da zapped ‘em wit’ it.

They left all giggles n grins, an’ I just hadta know if I was right about them bein’ aliens, so I coverly like followed ‘em out to the parkin’ lot. Sure ‘nuff, they done parked ‘bout as far back as a body could, an’ sure ‘nuff they was driving a big silver spaceship! It was all sharp, boxy angles an’ shinnin’ chrome everywhere, an’ even though it had wheels an’ such, it was obviously a some extra terrestrle make.

They jumped in, an’ it started ta move without makin’ a sound, an’ that was all the verifyin’ I needed. They was spacemen for sure!

“So long, you E.T bastards!” I cried, as their spaceship made way outta the lot. I could just see some strange alien scrip’ on the backa the shuttle. I think it said “Cybertron” or some Jupturnian thing like that, an’ a little white metal plakerd below that had a weird combo of letters an’ nummers (some kinda launch code or alien script fer sure) below what musta been the name a their planet, translated into ‘Murican for us ‘Mericans. It done said: “Connecticut.”