At Tabards

Birthdays are supposed to be special days. At least that’s what Bob thought. He was turning 50 and was celebrating with all of his wife’s friends. Bob’s friends had all moved away. He didn’t have a large group of friends to begin with, so when, one by one, they started to move or drift away, he was pretty much alone. He was grateful for the party and for the people that came, but he felt an emptiness that was exacerbated by being surrounded by the peripheral people at his party.

Nancy had booked the party room of Bob’s favorite brewery, Tabards. The main bar of the brewery had an industrial but cozy feel. Bob and Nancy would often grab takeout and bring it to Tabards. They liked that casual atmosphere. It was a place you could spend an evening and not feel rushed like you could at a brewpub that serves food. Those places want to turn the table over quickly to get the next customers in. This was not the case here.

Three other couples had come out to celebrate Bob: the Priors, the Millers, and McKnights. Bob wasn’t quite sure how these couples were selected, but it probably had to do as much about availability as it did his comfort with them. His favorite couple among his wife’s friends were the Parsons. They were unable to attend because they were taking a cruise. Beth Parsons was his wife’s best friend from high school. Bob enjoyed hanging out with her husband, Dan. Dan and Bob liked a lot of the same music, so they always had an easy topic of conversation. Sitting around a large circular table, the group drank IPAs of varying bitterness. Nancy had used the local Mediterranean restaurant, Pita Palace, to cater the event. The couples settled in for the night, exchanging stories and sharing pleasantries.

“Happy birthday, Bob.”

“Thanks, Sylvia,” Bob replied. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“No problem. We wouldn’t miss it.” Although she was smiling and joking with Bob, she was actually in a pretty foul mood. Earlier in the day, she got in a little fender bender. She and a teenager were both backing out of parking spaces at Target. They smacked into each other. After a few short moments of “shits” and “fucks” Sylvia got out to check the damage. She was rather calm until the other driver got out of her car. The upset and crying teenager approached Sylvia and apologized. Upon seeing the girl, Sylvia became rather irate. From her point of view, the teenager had “hot roddeded” it out of the spot. She berated the girl for being reckless. Another woman, who saw the accident, tried to calm the situation down. She asked Sylvia to stop yelling because the girl was sobbing and obviously scared. Sylvia couldn’t believe the nerve of this woman. The girl could have hurt someone. She couldn’t remember what she exactly said, but she thought it was pretty straight forward. “This girl is at fault” and “I can’t believe you are siding with her.” The bystander mediated the situation for the young girl. The damage to Sylvia’s bumper ended up being negligible. Still, the situation bothered Sylvia, so she did not tell her husband, Greg, what had happened. Sylvia was thankful that he didn’t notice the small dent and scratches on her bumper.

The birthday celebration continued. Nancy had the Pita Palace trays set up on a long table along the wall. “Hey everyone, thanks so much for being here to celebrate Bob.” The food is ready to go so help yourself.” Like most gatherings, no one wanted to be the first one to grab food. Nancy kept things moving, “Bob, you’re the birthday boy, so you be the first.” Bob did as his wife requested even though he would rather have waited. His sense of hospitality told him his guests should go first. Behind him in the food line was Joe Prior.

“Hey Joe, how’s it going? How’s work?” Bob asked, forgetting what Joe actually did for work. He hoped his answer would jog his memory.

“Can’t complain, pretty much the same shit every day,” Joe answered quickly. In fact Joe always gave this same answer when asked about work.

Bob tried to dig a little deeper, “So what are you working on?”

While piling a copious amount of gyro onto his pita, Joe replied, “Just the same crap as always. You know how it goes. Every day is the same,”

Not willing to press the issue any further, Bob made a mental note to ask Nancy what Joe did. He made the same note the last time he saw Joe.

Joe looked over at his wife with a crestfallen heart. He, in fact, had noticed the damage on her bumper. He also already knew how it had happened. While at work but not really working, Joe was doomscrolling. He came across a brand new video titled “Karen Freaks Out at Target.” Loving a good “Karen” video, Joe watched. He felt his heart drop to the depths of his stomach. The “Karen” was Sylvia. She was screaming at some teenager. He understood that car accidents might not bring out the best in people, but the language she used was deplorable. The woman he loved made comments about the girl being Hispanic and actually questioned if she were “legal.” She had even told a woman helping the girl that she should be helping her own kind, not some foreigner. Joe had noticed Sylvia slip more and more toward this prejudice. He knew the people she followed on social media were associated with lots of controversy over the statements they made about minorities. When he questioned her, she said that those statements were taken out of context. Although concerned, he let it pass. However, after watching the video, he called a divorce lawyer. He wasn’t sure if divorce was the answer, but he was so stricken with dismay that for the first time in their marriage he was considering it.

The party was going well. People needed to go to the bar to order their drinks, so Bob was standing in line. In front of him was Keith Miller. “Hey Keith, thanks for coming.”

Turning around, Keith replied, “Hey man, I didn't see you there. You’re not buying your own beer are you? What do you want? I got it.”

Bob didn’t really want Keith to buy him a beer, but he knows it was useless to protest. “I’ll get a Moon Window, thank you.”

“No problem. You can repay me by giving me a blow job in the bathroom,” he laughed, amused at his own joke.

“Ha, yeah, I’ll be sure to get right on that.” Bob was not a fan of Keith. He found Keith to be too crass. His jokes went too far. Instead of using innuendo, Keith slapped you across the face with his bawdy humor.

Keith’s propensity for sexual humor has caused him lots of problems over the years. Several women in his office have complained, but he’s never faced any serious consequences, just some mild reprimands. However, his recent online escapades have created a serious situation. While visiting some questionable chat boards, Keith started a conversation with a woman named Jessica. Some off color jokes turned to full out carnal flirtations. Surprisingly, these dalliances were reciprocated. A series of pics and texts were shared that crossed all the boundaries of good taste. Jessica was just as debauched as Keith. The real trouble came when Keith decided to help Jessica financially. They had already shared so much of themselves that he felt he was being chivalrous. She was about to be evicted and he couldn’t have her living on the streets. Of course, she protested when he offered to help. It took 4 days of him trying before she reluctantly accepted. After being ghosted, he’s lived the last few days in fear that his wife would notice that several thousand dollars are missing from their bank account.

Bob noticed that the McKnights were sitting by themselves at a table in the bar, which wasn’t surprising. They were one of those couples that were always referred to as a collective unit. They were either the McKnights or “Hannah and Drew,” never just Hannah and never just Drew. They were always together, never attending an event that required the presence of one of them. They glanced Bob’s way, but tried to act as if they didn’t see him. It’s not that they didn’t like Bob, it was that they were treating the party as their date night. Bob knew they wanted to be alone, but he pulled up a chair anyway. After a couple of beers, his introvertedness decreased and his impishness increased. “Hey McKnights, what you got going on over here?”

Annoyed by the intrusion, they answered “Keith.” Enough was said. Bob, himself, often wandered away to get away from Keith’s depravity. He was a grown man who still thought farting was funny.

Not wanting to let Hannah and Drew off the hook just yet asked, “So what trips do you guys have planned?” He already knew they were going to London. Nancy had told him, but he wanted them to pay a little for using his party as a night out for themselves. Honestly, he really didn’t care, but he was feeling in a playful mood. He asked question after question, trying to get every detail out of them. He was playing the idiot, and they fell right into his trap. “Aren’t you afraid they might arrest you? You know, for the war?”

They answered, “They’re not going to arrest us for the Iran stuff.”

Very seriously, Bob looks at them and says, “No for the revolution. Do you have to declare your love for the King or something at customs?” Their silence and dumbfounded looks told him it was time to move on.

Hannah and Drew put on a good show of being the perfect couple. Even they believed it most of the time. Deep down, each of them was keeping something from the other. Each of them was keeping the same something from the other. Hannah could not stand Drew, and Drew could not stand Hannah. Neither of them could admit that they were not the perfect couple. Both of them assumed the other was still infatuated with them. In public, they put on grand theatrics of being together. You would think in private they would barely talk, but that was not the case. At home, the theatrics were even more ostentatious. They had an ideal romance to live up to, even at the expense of their own happiness.

Bob went back to the table. Nancy was the only one who noticed his absence. “Where have you been, hun?” Bob nonchalantly nodded his head toward Keith a couple of times. Nancy nodded once affirming she knew what he meant. “So, it is time for the cake?”

“Why not, now is as good a time as any.” Nancy went to ask one of the bartenders if they could bring the cake that she dropped off earlier to the table.

Bob ended up sitting next to Becca Miller. He felt sorry for her, being married to Keith and all. She was a lovely person, always doing the right thing. With curiosity at a breaking point, Bob asked, “How did you and Keith meet?”

This was not the first time Becca had been asked about the origin of her and Keith’s relationship. She also knew why they asked. She replied, “We actually met in high school. We started dating junior year and the rest is history.” She knew Bob wanted to know more about the attraction, but she could never articulate the reasoning. Keith needed her. He’d probably be dead or in jail without her.

Becca looked over at Sylvia with a guilty heart. Earlier in the day, Becca was also at target. She saw Sylvia shopping but purposely avoided her in the store. She almost ran into her twice when she was about to turn down an aisle, but she quickly passed before she could be seen. Becca did not like Sylvia. She recognized that Sylvia treated people unfairly. She saw Sylvia in the self checkout, so she purposely waited back before she got in line. When Becca got to the parking loy, she saw the argument she was having with the teen girl. Becca thought about approaching, but instead got her phone and started recording. She posted the video to Facebook. She had no idea it would be a viral success. She deleted the post, but it was downloaded and reshared. People had added music and sound effects. Despite the guilt, Becca did not regret her actions. She firmly believed that people reap what they sow.

After the cake, Bob went to get another beer and sat at the bar. Colin, the bartender, shouted out “Happy birthday Bob!” The regulars who had seen Bob dozens of times before but did not really know him also wished him a happy birthday. The patrons of Tabards asked Bob how old he was, what he did for a living, about his kids, his wife. Nancy went to the bar to check on him and saw him having a blast. She went back to the table to entertain her friends and left him in the bar to celebrate his birthday with his friends.