So Close, Yet so Far.

Probably one of the most frustrating things about being the underdog of the family, the runt, is how in everything I do, I always come up short somewhere.

If I’m competing with my siblings, I always mess something up that screws with my victory- if I even win at all.

With my grades at school, I study and study, but can never ace a single assignment or test.

Even when it came to applying to colleges, I applied to some really great schools, but only found myself accepted into my so-called safety schools.

Something always hinders my perfection. And that bothers me.

It certainly doesn’t help that everyone in my family makes fun or note of my imperfections.

Everyone else has an aced assignment on the fridge.

All I get are lectures and “do better” and small rude remarks.

What do you want me to honestly do?

I’ve done nothing but try for my whole entire life.

In this house, I feel so trapped, so limited. I feel like I can’t grow here.

I can’t be me, here.

That’s probably the worst part of all this.

I can handle the rude comments and being looked down on, I’ve spent my whole life that way.

But I can’t handle not being able to relax and not feel so pressured to try and do everything right all the damn time.

When I finally got a response from the University of Washington… I immediately signed the affirmation of admittance.

They offered a full ride.

The farther I can get from my family, the better.

All that’s left to do now is to slowly get pieces of my life together so when I leave, I don’t ever have to look back.

***

“Did you ever get a response from your Ivy Leagues, Amelie?” my mother asked me as soon as I sat down to eat dinner.

“I thought we’ve been over this, they all told me no. I feel like I almost made it, though.” I responded quietly, not looking at any of them.

I felt their eyes watching me, waiting for a reaction. But I did nothing, I reached for the pieces of food that I wanted, preparing for another meal of being berated for my shortcomings, just like every other night.

Andersons are educated people, highly educated. The tops of our classes and programs. The picture of academic success.

“Getting into Princeton was a walk in the park, I don’t know why they wouldn’t accept you. Especially with the alumni factor.” my second oldest brother, Gavin, piped in. He graduated last year from Princeton, unsurprisingly.

Joshua is the oldest, he doesn’t live at home. He went to our local community college for his associates before going to Princeton for his bachelors. He’s almost done with his online masters degree from Harvard. He wants to get into politics someday, so he’s very involved in our hometown and local communities, trying to get his foot in the door anywhere he can. To be known somewhere, remembered.

Gavin doesn’t know what’s next, but he doesn’t have to. Our father owns his own construction company, and he’s been priming Gavin to take it over since he was a kid. He’s dad’s favorite- always has been, always will be.

Elizabeth is my older sister. She’s in the middle of her bachelor’s program at Penn State. She’s our mother’s favorite kid. She wants to be a doctor- when she told everyone what she wanted to go to school for, they cheered and sang how wonderful it would be to have a medical doctor in the family.

And then there’s me. Amelie. Nobody.

“Almost is never enough. You need to do better than that if you’re going to even have a chance of being like your siblings.” my father chimed in.

The funny thing? I don’t want to be like my siblings.

I don’t want to be a doctor or a CEO or a politician.

Ever since I started elementary school, all I could ever dream of was being a mom someday, raising my own happy children, living in a quiet neighborhood with the perfect wife and a nice beautiful home. Maybe we’d have chickens, or a garden.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have a life that was enough for me, because when I got my first card flip, or failed my first reading test, got my first B grade, it’s been very clear that I have to try in this family, and I have to do it on my own because no one will put the energy into me that they’ve put into my brothers and my sister.

Joshua got attention when he was a kid, but dad always said when Gavin was born, there was something about that kid that was just oh-so special. Joshua always said mom and dad putting their energy elsewhere was better for him, and he chose to do better for himself.

Gavin gets everything he could ever want from dad, just like Elizabeth gets the same time and energy from mom.

Both of them always credit our parents’ warmth and support and compassion and time when talking about their successes.

And then there’s me. Just me.

Joshua thrived being alone, Gavin and Elizabeth got all the attention in the world, and then I’m just alone.

I’m picked on, looked down on, talked down to.

Would my life be different if I was Elizabeth or Gavin? Or if I had the self-confidence of Joshua?

Vastly different.

But do I have that chance?

No.

So it’s up to me to make a difference, and I’ve known that since my freshman year of high school, when the night before classes started, Elizabeth sat me down in my bedroom and told me that this is where it gets real, this is where I cannot mess up. Everything I did from the next day on was going to determine my entire future.

She told me that, if anything, I must know by the end of my freshman year what I wanted to do with my life. I had to take the hardest classes and all of the major clubs. I had to get the best grades and be the smartest person in my class.

I stressed myself out to the brim for the first three years of high school. And then the summer right before senior year was when my whole attitude changed.

Someone asked me at a family gathering what I wanted to do after high school. I said I wanted to be a lawyer, because that’s the lie I was leading everyone to believe for the longest time by that point.

But then they asked what school I wanted to go to. I panicked and said I was hoping to do undergrad at Harvard and then attend Harvard Law School. No one had ever asked me about schools before.

I was laughed at because “no one picks one school for both parts” apparently.

My parents and siblings took turns cornering me for the rest of the night, accusing me of lying about what I wanted to do.

When school started, I secretly partnered up with my counselor and the college advisor at my high school to find the best option for me. We tried for all the best schools, and applied for my “safety net” colleges even though those were the ones I actually wanted to go to.

In September, I took a trip “with a friend’s family” to Washington, they took me on a campus tour of the University of Washington, because my friend’s older brother goes there.

Kristen is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. We’ve been friends since the fourth grade, and she knows everything about my family situation. In all honesty, she’s the only reason I have the confidence to live my life on my terms, and not my family’s terms.

Her family supports me completely, even offering to help me move in if I end up there.

Kristen doesn’t plan on attending Washington, she'd rather stay here in Wisconsin, closer to her parents.

My birthday is in January… I’ve spent the past few months working for a tutoring website online, so I’ve been earning some money and saving almost every bit of it so I’d have something for myself once I leave.

Kristen’s family helped me set up my own CashApp account so I had some way to save money… It felt really weird hiding something like this from my own parents, but I have to help myself if I want any chance at my own future.

Us kids were never allowed to have a job, not even during school breaks: our whole lives were supposed to be dedicated to getting the best education we could.

Learning is a lifelong thing, but there’s more to life than just learning.

There has to be.

I kept quiet for the rest of dinner, not wanting to talk about college anymore. My parents moved on to quiz Gavin on things related to the company, and how to help him start moving up the power ladder.

***

Decision day. The big one.

It’s a huge event at our school where all of the graduating, college-bound seniors gather in the auditorium in front of their friends and families for the chance to reveal the college they chose for the upcoming fall.

My brothers and sister and parents are here- watching, waiting. They pestered me for months, begging for me to tell them what schools accepted me, for me to tell them what I decided, where I wanted to go.

Most unfortunate for me, having an A last name means I’m one of the first to go.

My stomach felt tight as I lined up with classmates, ready-but not- to walk out onto that stage, up to the microphone, holding the banners we decorated ourselves.

I wrote in huge purple-outlined letters University of Washington and below it in slightly smaller, cursive font, Seattle WA, and colored them in with a dusty gold.

Kristen gave me a reassuring pep talk before we had to separate. I wish her last name wasn’t Harris.

Maybe if they had the valedictorians and salutations go first, me and her could be nine and ten, respectively.

How I made ninth, I have no idea. But I’m proud of me, and Kristen is proud of me, and that’s all that really matters.

“Our very own number nine, Miss Amelie Anderson!”

That’s my cue.

My legs stiffened as I strode out to center stage. Our class advisor was beaming at me, I could see my counselor off to the side, excited for my reveal.

“I have chosen the University of Washington in Seattle as my school of choice.” I spoke into the microphone, doing everything I could to keep my voice from shaking. “On the promise of a full-ride scholarship that I will forever be grateful for. Striving for a business degree.”

I unraveled my banner, and the people in the audience cheered. Kristen’s family stood up and clapped for me. A few random people did as well.

But my family didn’t. They didn’t move much.

I rolled my banner up, waved to everyone, and exited the other side of the stage, going back to the room where we started.

My heart was racing, my head felt light.

But I made my decision, and I know, deep down, that it was the best decision I could make.

***

Decision Day brought a hellstorm down on me at home. My parents were more than upset, my siblings were heavily surprised, but didn’t really care as much.

For the rest of the time I was at home, there was always a hanging disappointment in the air.

I was permitted to get a job after I graduated, in order to earn some money for when I moved out.

It went without saying that as soon as I moved into UW, that I was not going to be welcome back home unless I transferred to a real Ivy. Which, that’s incredibly screwed up when you think about it.

But I was moving into a school where I knew at least someone, and he’s the brother of my best friend on the planet, and I have all the support I could from that family.

I’m on a good path…and there’s this really cute girl who lives on the same floor as me. That’s promising.

On my own terms, I’ve made it.

So close, yet so far? Almost is never enough?

Not anymore. I’m way past that, once and for all.