Underground Words

After a long night traveling, we’ve finally made it to my grandmother’s house in New York. I’m staying over for the week since the hotels me and my friends were looking at the time was really…expensive. We came to New York to meet my grandmother and because at first I was invited but then my friends BEGGED to come. We took the plane to New York, then the bus to Brooklyn. I never felt more tired a day in my life.

Luckily my grandmother was pretty cool with them. Short introduction: My name is Amiya. My three friends; Aliyah, Camaria, and Riley, came along with me.When we entered her home, I was greeted with a warm and sweet scent. As we got settled, Camaria called my name. I went to wherever she was at and saw what she wanted.

“Hey Cam! Need something? What's wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong it's just…” I was confused. She doesn't usually act so…nervous.

I started asking myself so. many. questions. Questions that aren’t meant to pop up in your head when you see someone as just…a person.

“Is she about to cut me off?”

“Is it about the way i act? Talk? Move?”

“Is she about to tell me that she really cares?”

“Are you really a friend to me?”

“What if something more popped up?”

Okay Amiya. Lock in.

“Im a little scared not going to lie…”

“Well…Im…” She's about to come out.

“I’m lesbian…please dont tell anyone im begging you I couldnt find a way to tell anybody about it because i know people are homophobic especially our friend group-”

“Wait wait wait. They're homophobic?? Seriously??-”

“Yes yes they are which is why I don't want you to tell anyone I’ve been so scared-”

I stopped at her right there. She was on her knees crying. Hyperventilating. I had to keep her from talking. Not for her safety: for mines.

‘Hey hey hey…listen to me. Okay? Do you understand that you have to listen to me and not speak a word?”

She nodded. Gosh I cant believe I'm doing this.

“You are an amazing person. One of the best people I’ve ever met. One of the realest out here. You mean so much to me and the friend group-”

“Do I really mean anything to the friend group? To you. If i really meant anything yall would’ve supported me instead of insulting me-”

“Insult? When have I ever insulted you? I'm always here for you Camaria. I never left your side. Including you in conversations and activities. Even right now, out of the friend group you chose me to tell me this. Doesn't that tell you something ?”

She went silent.

“ I care about you. You are loved. No matter who you are. You don't have to have everything figured out. Take as much time as you need. Do you understand me?”

“But miya-”

“Did you understand me?”

Later that day, the table was filled with all of our favorite foods and we sat down and started eating.

My grandmother couldn’t come to eat because of work. For a couple of minutes, we just started yapping about almost everything. School, work(for some), relationships, and more. However, everything felt more tense the more everyone spoke. It was like…we know everyone holds some type of secret.

I mean they can be happy, sad, overwhelming, or disturbing.

Little do everyone know, I hold everyone’s secrets. So I can tell when the juice is spilled little by little the more words come out of everyone’s mouth…

SO, how else could we get a chance to spill everyone’s secrets…maybe…

“Let’s play two truths and a lie-“

“No Miya. We don’t want to play that game.”

“Well something has to be going on. Yall all keep talking more aggressively-“

“That’s the way we talk everyday. You wouldn’t know because your never with us-“

“Actually I will never know because yall always push me away when I am with yall. Like literally yesterday we was on the phone and I tried speaking but Riley interrupted. Or that one time where we was walking together and as soon as someone walked in Aliyah pushed me to the ground. That’s why I went to physical therapy for my ankle a week after. Camaria you don’t really do anything for real you just tag along with them and you're becoming like them.”

The whole table goes silent. By this time, my face has turned like a tomato and my heart is begging to be ripped out of my chest. I love my friends. Especially Camaria. I try to avoid talking bad about her because I really like her.

Oh forgot to mention: I’m pansexual.

You thought I didn’t have any secrets did you ?

What do you mean secret ?

I haven’t come out to anybody ever since the day I realized I was pan. I feel like it’s not normal being pan, let alone taking part of the lgbtq+ community . I don’t reveal my identity because people in the community usually get..well..assaulted. I’ve experienced that event many times which is why I’m so scared to come out.

Actually I’ve told one person. I don’t think I should’ve told them. Especially since the way my own friend group has been treating me, definitely looks like they might’ve gone out some way.

At the same time they ARE my best friends. I chose to be friends with them. They mean the world to me. Obviously they have some flaws, but that doesn't mean they’re not good people. I mean they get me stuff, even when I get ghosted for two weeks. Help me get with people, even knowing they don’t like me. They try to get me with boys, but I don’t really like boys. I mean I don’t mind dating them, but they scare me. They’re kind of like roses. Girls are the same way. Very pretty and beautiful but I’m scared of them a little because of the thorns on them.

For me, it doesn't really matter. I love them for who they are despite what they might like.

For them, it might’ve been a bit different…

Also another thing: they’re homophobic

To me.

Camaria’s lesbian, so that explains why she’s so touchy with me.

But she’ll never know who I am. Nor anyone else.

And I won’t know anyone else’s secrets and truths. Because I don’t need to know.

I can already see it from far away.