A So Called Love Letter

I have to say I’m thankful for witnessing healthy relationships when I was growing up. I think a lot of people haven’t and never will experience one. It was crucial for my development, and it taught me how I should treat a woman.

So I know I treated you well, I mean, how could I not? I gave you the world, but with all of the ups and downs we had, I guess you wanted something else. I could see that you wanted more. I know it. What else could it have been? We were perfect. We were healthy and never fought. We didn’t complain and we loved all the same things. So why couldn’t you love what I gave you?

Our love was the fire you see in the chimney every in Christmas morning, even though we both preferred Halloween. We were the spark that gave man fire. But, just like man, we eventually brought destruction and anguish. I guess it was inevitable.

Lingering burns and endless pain are the only reminders I have of you. These same burns turned scars that I now miss the pain of. I cry for the pain you caused me. I need it, I need to be burned by you again because I’m starting to forget what it felt like to be with you, even if I hate you now. It kills me seeing what's left of you. Everyone sees you on me, and I can’t escape it. You are burnt all over me. And what do I get in return? After everything I gave you, you left me. Well, I despise the world you left me in. I wish I could burn the one you moved on to but we’ll never see each other again. I know you’ll make sure of that.

You’re miles away and I’m still here. Smoke signals couldn’t grab your attention. You’re too focused on him. The man you left me for.

Are you going to burn him like you burnt me? I’m sure you’ve forgotten all about me. Well, I could never forget you. You wouldn’t even recognize these burns and who caused them, would you?

I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it when I act like this. What I meant to say is that I would create a smoke signal so you wouldn’t forget me, because you left me behind.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fake it.

I especially hate how you moved on. I hate how you bled my heart without remorse, I could never do that to you. You were precious, and I was Gollum, baby, I never wanted to let you go, but I did. I did a few times. Maybe one too many times. I’ve lost count. Maybe I deserved to be burned. Am I deserving of these pigmented blemishes stained with forgotten pain? These are the reminders of my mistakes, aren’t they?

Everything I should’ve done differently. All burnt into my character, like a stain in cabinetry. I can’t paint over my past, though. But wait. You let me go countless times. And when it mattered most, you left in the blink of an eye. Using the same eyes that hypnotized me, oh honey, don’t get me started. You had perfect eyelashes. They were my main focal point. The way they fluttered and how the green hues of your eyes slowly peered out and were always directed at me after your eyelids opened drove me mad. I knew I was always at the forefront of your mind, and you were running circles in mine.

I need to stop this.

I’m supposed to hate you. You left without ever saying goodbye. There’s no trace of me in your life, and I’m expected to live with that? Lover… I mean, whatever. Do you expect me to accept a reality without you in it? I’m prepared to burn it to the ground because I can’t imagine my fire burning without the life you give it anymore. But you found a life with someone else now. Someone else to feed your flame. That’s the world you chose for yourself. So you didn’t like mine. You mustn’t.

What does he have that I don’t? A business? Sure, it’s his dad’s, but that’s all.

I would have built one for us. I would’ve shaped a world just for us because I know he doesn’t love you like I do. He won’t be your everything. He can’t be. Our spark was ours, and only ours. So what am I supposed to do with these memories? Give them up? I won’t allow myself to forget. But do you? Do you choose to forget or do the memories haunt you too? Does every precious moment we shared eat you from the inside when you’re with him? You couldn’t have forgotten the way my tears fell down my cheek the first time we said goodbye. You must remember our love? Do you remember the way my hips sway? Does his tongue taste like mine? I know he doesn’t moan like me, and I know for certain he won’t drip his spit in your mouth. He’s too soft. I can tell by his demeanour.

I know the answers to those questions because I know you’re playing it safe. I know you wish it were me. That’s why you picked a man who resembles me, and I hate that you did that. How could you choose a man who looks like me, but isn’t me? You know he'll never be me, so why not choose me? I'd choose you everytime and in every world. But you wouldn't. And I can't grasp that. You'd prefer him, and I'll never accept it.

You never liked my stubbornness.

I won’t ever leave the world you left me in. I’ll be waiting for our skies to be the same colour. I’ll be waiting right in the middle of the crossroads. In between paradise and forever. I’ll be standing in the snow, my world frozen with the thought of you never moving on. Only accepting what could’ve been instead of facing what is, because that’s easier than hating the one person who deserves nothing but love, even if that means I’m left without it.