Meet Me at The Coffee Shop

Jim smiled down at his phone. He matched with Penny on a dating app recently, and they just scheduled their first date. She was a beautiful girl with long blond hair and big brown eyes. Jim hadn’t dated much in his life, and he’d never had a girlfriend before. This was a big step for him, and he was excited to meet her in person to see where it might go.

She told him to meet her at The Coffee Shop at 11am the next day. The Coffee Shop had two locations in town, and he almost asked her which one. Then he shrugged. Surely she meant the one on the corner of 5th and Main, that was everyone’s favorite. So he put his phone down and planned for that.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Ruth was in the process of selling her dog, a golden retriever also named Penny. Ruth was moving for work and due to a variety of circumstances she wouldn’t be able to bring Penny with her. She found an app to sell her dog, and connected with a man named James who was interested. They planned to meet at The Coffee Shop the next day around 11am to talk about Penny and see if it would be a good match. Like Jim and his would be date, they didn’t clarify which location.

***

The next day Jim arrived early to The Coffee Shop and ordered a couple of coffees and pastries. He sat down at one of the tables outside, then started to look around for Penny. Soon after the food and drinks arrived he saw a girl with olive skin and short, dark hair approach his table.

“James?” she asked.

“Jim, actually,” he replied.

“Oh, sorry about that,” she said. She shook his hand and sat down in the seat across from him. Seeing his puzzled expression, she added, “I’m Ruth. I’m here to talk about Penny.”

Jim raised an eyebrow in surprise. “I thought Penny would be here. Is she not coming?”

Ruth chuckled and shook her head. “No, she’s staying at home today. Sorry if that wasn’t clear. I’m sure you’re anxious to meet her, but I thought it would be best if I came alone and got to know you first. You know, to see if it would be a good match.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Jim replied. “You don’t think Penny could figure out a good match on her own?”

Ruth laughed. “No way! She loves anyone who will give her an ounce of attention. She has no idea what’s good for her or not.”

“Oh,” Jim said. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he also wasn’t familiar enough with girls and dating to know what was normal.

“In fact,” Ruth continued, after a sip of coffee, “we had a cute neighbor girl who used to live down the street that Penny absolutely adored. Penny would run and jump into her arms whenever she had the chance. She was enamored with her.”

“Wait, Penny liked a girl?” Jim asked.

“Liked is hardly accurate. I’d say it was love if I’d ever seen it,” replied Ruth.

“Um, I kind of thought she liked men,” Jim said awkwardly.

“Well yeah, she likes everyone. She doesn’t care what gender you are,” Ruth said. Puzzled by the question she asked, “Why, does that bother you?”

Jim realized he might have been unintentionally offensive. “No! No, not at all. I don’t have any problem with that sort of thing. Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. I just wanted to make sure she could like me.”

Ruth shrugged. “Yeah, I think she’d like you,” she said. “But do you mind if I ask you a few questions about yourself?”

“Go ahead,” Jim replied.

“Do you have any pets?” Ruth asked.

“No. Why, is Penny allergic?”

“She’s not allergic, she just gets very jealous,” Ruth replied with a chuckle.

“Jealous of pets?” Jim asked, between bites of his croissant.

“Oh yeah. Cats, dogs, turtles, anything. She does not want to share that attention,” Ruth explained.

“Oh, ok. That’s good to know,” Jim said.

“Do you have any roommates or a spouse?” Ruth asked.

“What? No!” Jim replied. “I don’t have roommates, and of course I don’t have a spouse! I wouldn’t be here if I was married!”

“Really? What does being married have to do with it?” asked Ruth.

Jim stuttered, shocked at her boldness. “I mean, it’s just wrong.”

“I don’t know about that,” Ruth said casually, taking a sip of coffee. “Tons of married people do it.”

“They do?” asked Jim, shocked. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Then another thought occurred to him. “Besides, I thought you said Penny gets really jealous. Wouldn’t it bother her if I was married?”

“Oh, no, not at all. She only gets jealous of pets, not spouses.”

“That is… interesting,” Jim replied. He wasn’t sure what else to say. So he just took another bite of his pastry.

“Oh, also, we’ll need to talk about the cost,” Ruth said.

“What cost?” asked Jim.

“You know, how much you’ll pay for her. I was thinking around $500. Does that sound fair?”

“Excuse me?” Jim replied, a little surprised. “I didn’t realize there would be a cost.”

“You thought I’d just give her away? She’s practically my best friend!” Ruth said.

“And I’m sure she’s a great best friend!” Jim was quick to say. “But do I really have to pay for her?”

“Oh my goodness,” Ruth said, raising her eyebrows. “You don’t think she’s worth anything. How rude!”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant!” Jim replied. “I’m so sorry, I was just caught off guard. I’m sure she’s priceless. I can pay $500 if that’s what it takes.”

“Good,” Ruth said. “Besides, Penny costs a lot more than just the initial price. You’ll need to pay for food and all the other stuff that’ll keep her happy day to day. It can get expensive.”

Jim paused as he took another sip of coffee. “Yeah,” he finally said, “I have heard that. They need fancy things and clothes and all that.”

“Oh, not clothes,” Ruth said. “Penny refuses to wear clothes.”

Jim’s face instantly turned red. “What did you say?”

“Penny hates clothes,” Ruth replied, as if it was obvious. “I tried to put a sweater on her once and she whimpered and cried like I was torturing her. So she never wears anything.”

“That is really unexpected,” Jim said, half to himself.

“I didn’t think that would be a problem,” Ruth replied. “I mean, I know some people like to put clothes on them, but usually everyone’s happier without them. Is it a dealbreaker for you if she won’t wear anything?”

Jim was about to say yes, but then he thought about it for a moment. “Actually, no, that’s not a problem,” he said. “In fact, it might be a perk.”

“I’d say so,” Ruth replied, after taking a bite of her food.

“On that note though, does Penny have any other quirks I should know about?” Jim asked.

Ruth pondered for a moment and then laughed. “Oh yeah, there is one thing. She refuses to poop unless you’re watching her.”

“What?” Jim exclaimed, his eyes wide.

“Oh yeah, it’s crazy,” Ruth said. “I have to watch her poop every morning or she just won’t go. One time I went on vacation for a few days, and when I came back I learned that she hadn’t pooped the whole time. The next morning she took the biggest dump I’ve ever seen.”

Jim just stared. There were no words.

“Come to think of it, she probably wouldn’t do too well if I handed her off without addressing that. You might need to come watch her poop with me a couple of times before she can go off with you.”

Jim's face felt hotter than the coffee mug in his hands. “That seems extremely weird,” he managed to say.

“Yeah, that is a little weird,” Ruth agreed. “But I don’t see any other way around it. What do you say? Want to meet me at my house tomorrow morning? That way you can meet her and if you want to take her we can watch her poop together to get that started.”

Jim nearly declined. But then he thought about his life, how boring and lonely it was. He certainly wasn’t getting any younger. And as weird as she seemed, Penny was also very intriguing. So he shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “Sure, why not?” he said.

“Great!” Ruth replied. “I think you two will be a great fit.” She gave Jim her phone number and address to coordinate the meeting.

As Ruth started to gather up her stuff to leave, she added, “It was great to meet you, Jim. Thanks for the coffee and pastry. Oh, also, I should warn you to get ready for a lot of kisses from Penny when you meet her.”

“Does she kiss a lot when she first meets someone?” Jim asked.

Ruth laughed again as she stood up. “You better believe it. And she has a long, slobbery tongue that she’s very enthusiastic with!”

***

Meanwhile, at the other The Coffee Shop:

All the patrons turned and watched the beautiful blond yelling at the very confused, scared man sitting across from her. “WHO are you calling a DOG!?!?”