The Trick and the Trickster

The phone rang once and, for just the second time that afternoon, I got an answer.

"Hello?"

Of course. The old ladies always answer.

"Hello, ma'am this is Mark from HavenOne security. How are you today?"

"Oh I'm fine honey. How are you?"

I couldn't tell her I was surviving off of 3 cups of office coffee, a Snickers and 2 hours of sleep.

"I'm fine thanks for asking. I have a question for you ma'am. How safe do you feel in your home?"

"Well, since Gerald died I guess a little less. And the neighborhood is going down you know. It's a shame that those....."

I was distracted as I watched the cranes outside, salivating at the idea of what it'd be like to afford the new condos they were erecting. Once the line went silent I chimed back in.

"I'm sorry to hear about your husband ma'am. Many people share your fears. That's why our company is offering a complimentary home security consultation at no upfront cost. Is that something you'd be interested in Mrs. Greene?"

"I don't see why not. If nothing else I'd enjoy the company".

"How about I come by tomorrow at 9am?"

"Sure. Do you prefer coffee or tea honey?"

"Coffee would be great. I'll see you tomorrow."

I chuckled as I hit end. An invite to an old lady's house, which had less than a fractions chance of ending in a sale, was my most successful day this week. Not just at work but in life in general. I swung my bag over my shoulder and side stepped out of my tiny cubicle. I dawned my fake smile, uttered my insincerely enthusiastic goodbyes and made my way to the parking lot. Four years in college, a failed shot at grad school and, at 28, this was what my life had come to; telemarketing. On the drive home the scene abruptly transitioned from high rises, EV chargers and joggers to beggars, bodegas and flats. I pulled up to mine, a small building with 4 units. Not quite cool enough to be called a bachelor pad, my 1 bedroom apartment was a perfect representation of my sucky life. I flopped on the couch and settled in to watch the Bulls vs. Knicks game. Last night's cold pizza was all that fit my budget for dinner. At least the AC was working again.

I must've fallen asleep on the couch because that's where I found myself when my alarm jolted me awake. I leapt up kicking Fick, an obese, ridiculously painted porcelain clown who sat on my hand-me-down dining room table, violently to the floor. Fick was the only thing I inherited when my grandmother died. My family called it an heirloom and said it might be worth something. It was more likely a symbol of how they felt about my life. My younger sister, "the lawyer", got a diamond ring and my older sister, "the vet", a ruby necklace. It was because they were girls, they pretended, but I knew better. I hopped in the shower and pondered what lies might persuade an old lady to buy a home security system. It wasn't likely but still worth a try.

The neighborhood was decent but I could see what Mrs. Greene meant by "going down". Her house was one of the nicer ones on the street; a decent sized cape cod with a well manicured lawn. The door cracked open before I exited the car. She'd been waiting for me. The earthy scent of fresh brewed coffee met me as I crossed the threshold. The inside of the house looked more expensive than out. Neatly placed antique looking furniture lined the living room walls. Cabinets filled with fine china and other collectables surrounded the dining room table. I was no connoisseur of paintings, but those adorning the walls somehow looked rich.

"Have a seat honey" Mrs. Greene beckoned as she extended her hand toward the surprisingly uncovered ancient looking couch.

Mrs. Greene sat a thick brown and tan ceramic mug that looked like it'd survived since the 70s on the table next to me.

"Cream and sugar dear?"

"No, black. Thank you."

She disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a 70s mug of her own. Fixing her floral house coat she settled into a creaky but sturdy looking chair

"Well tell me about yourself hun."

That wasn't what I was here for.

"I'm 28 years old and I'm from Chicago. More importantly though, ma'am, I'm here to help you make your home as safe as possible"

"Well, I do live alone now. I've thought about getting a dog but I don't know that I'd be able to care for him all by myself. I used to have a dog. He was a Bischon named...."

This was going to be a long morning. I continued to scan the room. Vintage looking lamps, gold plated light covers, even the rugs looked pricey. I waited for a pause in the dialogue.

"Do you have a home security system ma'am?"

"We used to but it hasn't worked for years. Gerald took care of all of that"

"Do you mind if I look around?"

"Of course. There's not much to see. The kitchen's there and down that hall are the bathroom and bedrooms. It's not mansion but it works for me."

More expensive looking paintings lined the hallway. In the bedroom, jewelry boxes overflowed with diamond brooches and necklaces. Designer bags lined the top shelf of the closet and fur coats hung neatly on the racks. This lady was loaded. I felt my motive shifting from making a sale to something more sinister but also more lucrative. I tried to suppress the feeling but each time, thoughts of cranes and condos dug it up again. I initially came here to trick an old lady into buying a home security system for a company that I wasn't even sure was legit. Scamming her into giving me money of my own wasn't that much worse. Right? Hiding my giddiness I walked straight faced back into the living room. I falsely checked each door and lock.

"Mrs. Greene your house actually seems pretty safe."

"Well thank you. That's good to know. More coffee?"

"Yes please." I needed more information if I wanted to develop a plan. "Mrs. Greene. What exactly did Gerald do for a living?"

"Oh he was the Chief Executive at CobaltCore. We lived well but I wish he hadn't spent so much time at work"

CobaltCore was one of the largest tech companies in the country. She was really loaded.

"Do you have any children?"

"Well there's Gerald Jr. but ever since he ran off and married Jennifer we don't talk much. I've given up on grandkids."

"Ok Mrs. Greene. Thank you for your time but I have to get going."

"So soon? Why don't you stay a while. I was just about to make breakfast."

I did have to get to the office soon but the extra time would be worth it. We spent the next hour eating Cream of Wheat and talking about everything from politics to dog breeds. Mrs. Greene was an only child with a love for antiques and collectors items. I explained my position as our family’s black sheep. She agreed that Fick was probably likely a cruel consolation prize of sorts.

"It's been great chatting with you Mrs. Greene but I've got to get back to the office."

"It's been a pleasure dear. How about you come back next week and have coffee? And here's $20. Get you some lunch"

"No Mrs. Greene. I can't accept that."

"I insist". She stuck the bill in my shirt pocket.

Throughout the workday I waited for guilt to creep in. It never did. It was about time I had some luck. I'd get to know Mrs. Greene and we'd get really close. I'd have to make up some heart wrenching sob story to explain why my life was so crappy. "I was lazy and made poor decisions" probably wouldn't cut it. She would feel bad and she would give me money. That was it. That was the plan.

I returned to Mrs. Greene's house every week for coffee. As was a part of the plan, she eventually referred to me as her "grandson". The $20 for lunch turned in $50 for gas then $100 when she noticed I was wearing the same clothes to each visit. The fact that this was purposeful hadn't crossed her mind. The big money came when I told her about how I was helping my nephew pay for expensive treatments for his rare autoimmune disease. I didn't have a nephew.

"Oh dear. Why didn't you tell me sooner. What's the poor boys name?"

"Well we call him Sunny." That was my sister's cat's name.

"Just wait here."

She came back with her check book.

"You make sure the boy gets everything he needs you hear?"

She handed me a check for $1,000 written out to me. Quickly determining how to respond as someone who could now help a sick child and not a man who was about to buy a PS5, I took her hand into mine.

"Thank you so much Mrs. Greene. I... I don't know what to say."

"No need to say anything. Just make sure this gets to Sunny."

"I will."

My weekly visits to Mrs. Greene continued over the next few months. The checks for "Sunny" kept coming as did fabricated updates. He'd been in and out of the hospital but was doing much better thanks to her generosity. With this steady stream of money coming in it was difficult to put my heart and soul into telemarketing calls. I couldn't remember my last sell. Neither could my boss. When he called me into his office I was more relieved than anything. Unfortunately, he didn't fire me. I was put on a probationary period and if my sales didn't pick up I'd be let go. I figured I'd need a new angle with Mrs. Greene as I had no intention of putting more effort into selling home security systems and Sunny would have to get better at some point. I settled on the story that my dad was a relapsed alcoholic who was going back to rehab and I was helping my mom with the bills and mortgage.

That week as I pulled up to the house I was surprised to find a car in the driveway. I parked on the street and walked up to the door. Mrs. Greene answered with her usual warm smile. As the door opened wider, though, the man sitting in the seat I usually occupy didn't look so happy.

"Mark, meet Gerald Jr."

"Um... Hi" I walked over to shake his hand but a head nod was all he offered.

"Have a seat Mark. I'll get your coffee" Mrs. Greene walked into the kitchen leaving me alone with Gerald. Despite his scowl, his frame wasn't intimidating at all. His voice even less so.

"Hey Mark. Thanks for keeping my mom company. She's really appreciated spending time with you."

"Of course. She's such a nice lady"

Mrs. Greene returned with coffee for all. She revealed, seemingly against Gerald's will, how he and Jennifer were going through a divorce. Now that he was single and she was getting older he was moving her to live closer. I had no right to protest but my money depended on it.

"Is this what you want Mrs. Greene"

"Well dear I certainly will miss you but I don't have much else worth staying here for."

Shit.

Although I didn’t have much reason to stay, I figured leaving abruptly would seem odd. Gerald Jr. wasn’t so bad of a guy, although slightly annoying. We had nothing in common and he was a little too amused about the Fink story his mom had apparently shared without my permission. When I could no longer take the tales of prep school and family vacations I excused myself. Gerald informed me that he would be leaving and returning for Mrs. Greene in one month. I assured him that I would continue to visit.

The week before Mrs. Greene was set to leave my probationary period at work ended. I hadn’t made anymore sells so I was let go. With only 2 visits left I decided that being honest was probably the best policy.

“Good morning Dear. How are you?”

“Not so good Mrs. Greene. My company is downsizing and they let me go. With all of my bills and Sunny…” I was only half sure that I had feigned the quiver in my voice.

“Oh dear. I’m so sorry. Come. Have a seat.” She already had my coffee waiting. “I know a fella at CobaltCore. Maybe he has work available. I’ll give you his number.”

I’d always had some desire to work in tech. After a cup of coffee and a bowl of Cream of Wheat my spirits were slightly higher than they had been when I’d arrived. Mrs. Greene seemed excited about the move. She was especially happy to be closer to her son and the reportedly “nifty” antique shops in town. With our time together coming to a close a sense of fondness seemed to creep in. Dare I say gratefulness, even, with the smallest sprinkle of guilt. Or maybe it was sadness that I had no job and no more opportunity to scam the old lady out of cash. Either way, feelings weren’t really my thing so I had no intention of making them know. Somehow, though, it seemed as if Mrs. Greene read my mind.

“Oh Mark. I’ve really grown fond of you dear. It’s so sweet of you to take time out to spend with an old lady like me.”

“Uh, yea. No problem.”

“Not as if I’d ever forget you, but do you think there’s anything I could have to remember you by?”

“Well…” She didn’t give me much time to think.

“How about that clown you hate so much?” She chuckled. “It may not be worth money but it’d be a great reminder of our time together… and memories are priceless.”

“Of course.” It was the least I could do and I did hate that clown.

I threw Fink into my bag a drove over to Mrs. Greene’s for our last visit. I’m pretty sure I saw a tear escape her eye when I handed him to her. We had one last cup of coffee. I hugged the lady and was on my way. It was good while it is lasted I guess.

After several rejected job applications I finally got an interview for a sales position at an insurance agency. It'd been about a month since my last visit with Mrs. Greene and I was flat broke. I really needed this job. The news played in the background while I showered and dressed. A familiar voice caught my attention.

“Well, let’s just say I can spot a good clown a mile away.” Mrs. Greene stood square in the middle of the TV screen holding Fink like a first prize trophy. The banner on the bottom of the screen re

ad “Well known local antique collector happens upon porcelain clown worth $1 million”

Fink grinned smugly… as if at me only.