SHIFTING

By the time Mila met Andrew, she had had a string of alternately unfulfilling and good relationships with one big black hole in her late 20s and a short bit of her early 30s. Her relationships made her feel stressed out because they required so much effort and although those guys really cared about her, she was involved so she wouldn’t be single. God forbid she was single in her 20s!

Mila felt like a shining star next to them. After a lot of soul-searching, she realized she had treated them poorly and they deserved someone that would really love them back the way they deserved.

It may sound as if she had had dozens of relationships but the thing was, despite being quite comfortable with being alone, sometimes Mila would feel extremely lonely and out of place. She wore that feeling of not belonging wrapped around her like a shimmering coat. No wonder so many were drawn to the glitter and wanted to rescue the princess. Perhaps even get some of that intangible glitter themselves…

The person who took that shiny coat off (and so much more than that!) was an unstoppable force of nature. Sean was charismatic, passionate, full of energy, tireless lover and a very successful engineer, specialized in something that only the Secret Service would know about. It was the time before cell phones were omnipresent in almost any household in Europe so the landlines and mutual friends were their main tools of communication. However, even the strongest storms pass...

It wasn't that simple. You see, Mila wanted to talk about their future but Sean vanished into thin air. She had found herself spending more time with his friends who liked her and offered all kinds of advice regarding her withering romance than with him. Furthermore, even those who worked with him couldn't reach him – he had become the most elusive person ever. What made getting in touch with him harder was the fact that, long before working from home was a regular thing, Sean had already been granted that due to his outstanding qualifications and superb work skills (whatever they might have been).

Now, Mila could have gone straight to his house since he lived with his sister and grandfather but she was a well-mannered young lady who had been taught that kind of behavior was rude, off-putting and uncouth. His friends arranged for them to meet but his evasive manner made her act impulsively and instead of discussing their potential future together, she had gathered all the venom and bitterness accumulated over the past months and broke up with him.

He was devastated – quite an unexpected reaction. She felt a vicious glee – even more unexpected.

They had one last passionate love-making and she asked him to leave. He looked doomed and defeated. She clenched her heart into a hard ball, told him to „Take care!“ and closed the door. Then she cried all night and spent the whole weekend watching old romantic movies, a sob or two escaping during especially dramatic scenes.

Some weeks had passed and something weird started happening – they were bumping into each other at all times. Moreover, their encounters were genuinely cordial and relaxed so much so that they decided to give it another go. At first, things went on like smooth sailing, warm, relaxed, their mutual friends happy for them and sharing their joy, basking in their renewed bliss. Sparkle and shine everywhere.

However, Sean’s Grandpa got really sick. Mila decided to surprise him for New Year’s Eve with a weekend ski trip in cahoots with his friends. He, on the other hand, wanted the same: to surprise her to make up for the time he had spent caring for his Grandpa. God knows who had told him she was going clubbing for New Year's Eve so he booked a whole floor in the club for them and their friends. Needless to say, they ended up in different cities, countries and time zones.

When Mila got back, she heard his Grandpa died right on New Year’s Eve. They met at their favorite new venue and talked about his passing, Sean's grief, their plans, tentatively since the wound was still fresh. Her friends from college came over to say hi. Sean decided to pay visit to the toilet and when her friends cleared off, leaving her at the bar, she saw Sean deep in a conversation with a girl. She wasn't the type to stand out but Mila had learned the hard way that those girls were a bigger threat than attractive beauties. Then she saw the girl's eyes melted while looking at Sean and he had an affectionate smile. There was intimacy between them, wrapped in their own energy ball. This was not intimacy derived from sex, this was something deeper - not built overnight or over a week or two. This was something growing over time.

You see, when Mila decided against going to his house, Sean’s future wife did the opposite – she had always liked Sean and enlisted his sister's help to get him. She started so much time in his house that she basically lived there. So while Mila was thinking, that girl acted.

Soon one of the most public break-ups hit that small town. If Brad and Jen were more famous back then and there were social media, Mila and Sean would have still been the biggest public break-up in history.

On the surface, Mila went on with her life but she started wearing black all the time. Even when she sprayed perfume around her, it came out as black mist.

She needed a break to reorganize, revitalize, and recharge. Four years had passed. She was leading a very active life with no men in a biblical or any emotional sense. However, when people met her, they could have sworn she was carrying a small dusty purse next to her Prada bag, all enveloped in heavy fragrance of black mist.

She reconsidered everything that had happened and did a lot of work on herself. However, if she thought Sean was her downfall, it was nothing compared to the big black hole called Nick. Nick was a master manipulator who had done his best to isolate Mila from her friends and family.

In the beginning, she didn’t mind because she worked two jobs, one in an international bank that involved a lot of traveling, so the only time left was, naturally, reserved for Nick.

But Nick soon proved to be… not good, quite the opposite. Breaking up with him was a struggle. „We break up when I say so!“, he screamed once. Mila slapped him promptly. Usually, she would be appalled at her action and apologize but not this time, or any other. She felt threatened. She was threatened. Nick held a very high position in the local government so her every move was watched. She could not even report him. Still, she did break up with him, whether he accepted it or not. And when that big black hole, that huge oil spill of her emotional turmoil, finally accepted the end, in addition to his various hookups, he still had the time to stalk her while she was on vacation with her friends, actually everywhere.

It was exhausting. She had developed PTSD and all kinds of ways to become invisible. She dyed her blond hair black and had it cut. She started wearing hats and baseball caps, scruffy clothes and flats, hiding her face behind huge sunglasses. Her fear of being seen was almost palpable. And she was right to be afraid, as the events unfolded but about that - some other time.

The blissful moment of liberation came when one of his hookups got pregnant. Now, this girl was the daughter of his boss so there was no running away. He had to get married and leave Mila alone.

Mila felt free for the first time in years. She dyed her hair back to blond (sorry, Amy!) and went back to wearing heels, tight skirts, laughing till her ribs ached…Life was good. The dusty purse vanished over night. As if it had disintegrated into atoms.

In addition, she was blessed with the greatest man of all – normal, stable, mature. Someone who protected her, sometimes from herself, and helped her rebuild herself. Now there was someone to lean on, and love, respect, passion and compassion.

However, when he asked her to move to Australia where he got a great job offer, she thought they had time and said that perhaps, she could join him at some later date. The later date and the adjustments of time zones for those intimate moments became an invisible stone in her purses and bags, getting heavier as the days and months went by. At first, she simply felt something small and hard somewhere in her bag. When she changed her sturdy bags for tiny purses, it was still there but invisible. As the time went by, it started to take shape. First, it was a pebble in the shape of the heart that they had found on the beach in Rimini during their last summer together. As the time went by, it had grown into a sizeable chunk of colourful rock weighing down her purses even when empty. The strange part was - it refused to be removed, as if it had a mind of his own.

Mila knew what she had to do. Change the scenery.

She went to Cardiff to spend the summer with her friends.

Andrew was a great guy. Their friends introduced them, like “casually”, and they hit it off immediately. He was a successful vintage car manufacturer, dressed well, had a great sense of humor and enjoyed her company. It surely helped he was a terrific kisser. Their first date started with him being forty minutes late.

“I’ll pick you up in a white Lexus”, he said casually.

Mila started Googling “Lexus” immediately. She didn’t have to bother, he was late and his Lexus was the only white car moving along the street. They spent the whole day together and then she surprised him several times. First, she went Dutch for lunch and she took him to the Sennedd, their assembly building. She fell in love with the building because it reminded her of Gaudi in some aspects.

Andrew had never been there though he lived in Cardiff all his life. They sat on the upper level, chatting, watching that beautiful Cardiff Bay and she surprised him again – she paid for the drinks.

“Women here expect men to pay for everything”, he said smirking.

“Sorry, I was raised differently, but you can always buy me diamonds!”, she quipped.

Then she had a mishap with her period but he acted valiantly, taking her to his best friend’s house where they provided her with whatever she needed and making her feel as comfortable as possible which produced a miraculous effect - she finally felt at home.

“This is it”, she thought. She had never slept better or been more productive or more relaxed. Even the stone became smaller, taking the heart shape again and a beautiful pearlescent quality.

Soon, his friends started dropping hints that Andrew might propose. Yet, they decided to open her eyes to something he had never mentioned – his divorce.

You see, Andrew married his co-worker whose husband had committed suicide when their kids were basically toddlers, both of them. The fact that she was “big and ugly”, as they described her, was the least important thing.

"Maybe she had a kind soul", Mila said and her words were met with scorn. The reality of his ex-wife being the worst possible creature, taking advantage of people whenever she could, was rater disturbing. Even more disturbing was the story how Andrew had undergone vasectomy so that they could make love freely and not think of having more kids and “going through those awful pregnancies”. Following his vasectomy, she started making love to his employee. Or was she doing it the whole time? His friends and sisters were not really sure.

Mila was speechless. Was he secretly lacking confidence? Or was he perhaps masochistic by nature? He was bullied as a kid since his mom was white and his dad Caribbean, but as a very grown-up person, he seemed pretty confident and at ease.

Mila decided to take action. She couldn’t date him forever nor her visa expiration date would allow for that.

That evening, when he was supposed to pick her up, she made her hosts leave (actually, they pretended to leave, one was hiding in the bathroom and the other one was lurking in the kitchen).

Andrew took his usual seat on the settee by the big window and Mila apologized for having to finish her article. They chatted about his day and her departure when she changed tack.

“So what do you think?”

Andrew looked up.

“What do you mean? Think about what?”

Mila looked him straight in the eye and said without blinking.

“Me staying here and moving in with you just to see how things would go between us”, she could swear he stifled a choke. "I will pay you rent and cover my costs", she added.

“I don’t remember us talking about it”, he said seemingly relaxed but she knew better. She got to know this man really well. She knew he was carrying a huge weight. Hers might be shimmery veil and black mist and pebbles and sorrowful shrouds but his was inside.

“I mean, is this supposed to be a summer fling? Cause it sure isn’t looking like it”, she added.

He gave her a warning look.

“Do you know about my divorce?”

Mila almost exploded.

“Of course I know about your divorce! The birds on the trees know about your divorce! It’s been broadcast in all media! For God’s sake! IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS, ANDREW!”

He gave her an incredulous look.

“Have you got any idea what I…?”

She wouldn’t let him finish.

“Yes, Andrew, you married a bitch, adopted her kids, paid for everything they have and need and even went through vasectomy which is, forgive me for saying that, so stupid that I can’t even believe you are that person sitting in front of me! And to think that such a handsome guy married a widow who is not only physically repulsive but a disgusting, terrible person!”

She was out of breath, mad as hell.

“Listen, my divorce…”, he started, completely taken aback.

“Andrew”, Mila said ominously, “If I hear that word again, I AM GOING TO SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF!”

She took a deep breath to calm down.

“You have been nurturing your divorce like cancer. That is your answer to reject any chance of happiness or joy. “My divorce, my divorce”, wailing non stop! Do you really think my life has been a breeze?”

He looked at her as humoring her which goaded her even more.

“I had the biggest public break-up and the most humiliating one at 22! I had a string of superficial relationships because my family kept meddling! I am a victim of DV and SV by my ex, who held a very high position, stalked me after the break-up and, thank God, married one of his pregnant flings! He cheated on me on the clock! Then my mom got sick and my Grandpa died because of grief. My mom died five months later. My Grandma died in my arms, my dad died right after my uterine cancer surgery! Want me to go on?”

Mila was yelling so much that she felt her throat going scratchy.

“You think my life is a breeze? No, Andrew, but I can’t live with all the physical burdens of the past! And I can tell you things that will shock YOU EVEN MORE!”

Andrew WAS shocked.

“But you seem so relaxed and easy-going…”

“I AM RELAXED AND EASY-GOING!”

Mila was shouting, not really an example of an easy-going person, and definitely not zen.

“So, Andrew, you can continue to nurture your divorce from five years ago like an open cancerous wound and use it as an excuse to not be happy, or you can decide to heal and be happy with me!”

Her voice was shaking but at least she said what she was thinking.

Suddenly, she noticed something. All the while, Andrew had his hand over his chest and as he unbuttoned the first three buttons on his shirt, she could have sworn she saw something that resembled an angry-red wound he was rubbing as they were talking (or yelling, more like it).

Wow, she thought, he does nurture it like a wound, she thought.

“Listen, I am tired and I have to start packing. If you still want to have dinner…”

“No”, Andrew sounded sad, “let me have some time to think, okay?”

He approached her, hugged her and kissed her on her forehead. The red thing was not big but it was alive, it was pulsating!

“You have a safe flight and call me when you land, you hear me?”

Mila nodded. He left.

“Oh my God, you were amazing!”, her friends fled from their hiding places.

“Yeah, but at what cost?”, Mila asked, suddenly feeling deflated.

Her friend hugged her.

“Time will tell. Come on, let’s have you packed!”

As she was going through the Gatwick the next morning, Mila felt her purse a bit heavier.

She reached inside and took out a rather big rock.

"Wow, look at you!", she spoke to the rock.

She found the nearest bin and threw it out.

Suddenly, she felt lighter and was sad no more.