Alone

It’s day… one-hundred eighty-four, I think? It’s impossible to tell anymore. Garret finally died yesterday. I thought I’d be more… sad, I guess? With him gone, I’m the only one left in this forsaken metal tomb.

I’ve found myself looking out the ship’s windows more and more. I don’t even know why, it’s not like there’s going to be anything out there. I guess I just find the empty void of space… calming? If that’s even the right word to describe it.

The little remaining water is the only thing keeping me alive at this point. We ran out of food at least a week ago, maybe more. I’ve lost track at this point.

A horrible way to go: starvation, and surrounded by mountains of rotting corpses. I don’t want to think about the… alternatives. Every time I look at Garret’s limp corpse I find myself wiping saliva from my mouth. It makes me sick.

Thoughts like that make me want to swallow the barrel of the captain’s pistol.

It’s not even just that anymore. I’m the last one, there’s no hope. I might as well blow my brains out anyway. Beats starving to death. The only thing keeping me from pulling the trigger is what Garret was telling me before he died.

“We’ve been surviving this whole time, the moment you pull the trigger is the moment you admit defeat,” or something like that.

Why do I still care about what he told me? It’s not like he can tell me off anymore.

…

Might as well do something useful with my living days, I’m gonna search for anything that Garret and I may have missed.

…

It’s a fucking miracle! The captain had a secret panel in his quarters, and it still had a couple of premium bottles of booze left in it! We’re talking richy rich alcohol, something that someone like me might not even get once in their lifetime.

I don’t even know how we missed this before, I swear we combed the whole place from top to bottom. I’m not complaining, at least that old bastard was good for something.

I didn’t even bother fishing out one of the dirty glasses from the kitchen, I just popped the seal and took a swig straight from the bottle. I bet this is what heaven tastes like, or hell. It doesn’t really matter, either way it’s better than this place.

…I wish Garret could drink with me. He could’ve at least had the courtesy to die with me.

Well, I’m going to down the rest of this bottle, and probably sleep. Nothing better to do anyways.

**********

I think it’s the next day, my head is pounding. Probably gonna keep drinking. I’m not dying with a hangover.

When I was walking through the ship yesterday I remembered just how many people died before me. I don’t think I’ve even noticed the stench of death since… I don’t even know how long it’s been.

I’m still debating which bottle of liquor I should save for my last day. I’m thinking I save the fanciest for last, make my last moments something special, you know?

I think I’ll drink the whiskey today. Aged for twenty-some years, bottled in 2140, this bottle’s older than the damn ship. Where did the captain even find this stuff? Makes me wonder how much he was getting paid for this trip. Either way, it couldn't have been worth it.

…

I found myself staring out the window of the ship again. An endless abyss of inky darkness, broken only by the equally infinite number of glowing stars. Even when this trip had been going well, I always thought about the light in that abyss. How many of those stars even existed anymore? It’s like this ship, the only reason people will remember this is because everyone aboard it died. It’s kind of poetic, it pisses me off.

I’m gonna have my drink in the cockpit.

The console’s still on, I wonder how much emergency power this rig has left. After all the chaos, I barely even remember where we were going in the first place. Some sort of Terran planet, somewhere that another population could thrive in, or something like that. I bet we would’ve arrived by now if the FTL system hadn’t broken down in the middle of fucking nowhere.

What a joke.

I wonder if anyone’s gonna find this wreck. Then, at the very least, they could put me in a textbook or something.

Is that why I’m still doing this? Talking and writing to myself like a madman, in the hopes that maybe someone might find this? Why does it even matter at this point? I won’t be alive to see it. Do I really care what other people think about me after I’m gone? …I don’t even know.

Whatever, I’m going back to my booze.

…

I keep thinking about what Garret told me before he died.

I took the captain’s gun. Don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I might as well hold onto it.

This drink is dedicated to you, you old bastard. This liquor and this gun are the only worthwhile things you provided to this scrap heap.

…

Garret always called us survivors, said that’s why we were the only two left in the end.

Bullshit.

We hid in our quarters while the rest of the ship tore each other to pieces over food. We aren’t survivors, we’re cowards, it’s as simple as that.

Garret always called me out when I said shit like that. He’s not here anymore. The only truth now is my own.

…

When I look out the window into the abyss of space, I swear it stares back. The countless stars like unblinking eyes piercing into my very soul.

This beauty… is terrifying.

Am I truly alone, or are the long dead lights of space watching me?

I guess it doesn’t really matter. They’re no different than the hundreds of other corpses in this ship.

**********

I blacked out. Woke up next to Garret’s body. My eyes burn. I woke up with the gun in my hand too, the hammer was pulled back, I don’t want to think about it.

I think it’s my last day, I’m gonna drink that fancy bottle.

…

I wonder if God is real.

Surely not… no all powerful deity would allow this to happen. I guess that’s what religion’s all about. I was hoping I would have some sort of revelation in these last few hours, just wishful thinking, I suppose.

…

No God.

No revelations.

Just me.

Just the void.

Just the stars.

Just the dead.

…

To anyone who finds this… who am I kidding, you already listened to the rest of this shit. You already know what happened.

And to Garret…

We spent probably eighty-some days together, just you and I. You were a good man, a lot better than I was.

It’s not like you can hear me either.

This drink sucks.

Still wish you could’ve been here to share it with me.

I couldn’t do what you wanted…

I’m not as strong as you…

I’m sorry.

**********

EMERGENCY POWER: ONLINE

ORBIT ACHIEVED

LANDING IN: 2 HOURS

TOTAL EXPEDITION TIME: 289 YEARS 8 MONTHS 14 DAYS 3 HOURS 9 MINUTES

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