After You

Sensitivity warning - mental health (PTSD), depictions of trauma and emotional abuse.

I watch over you when the dark coats the walls like a second skin. Look at you, staring into the void, body stiff and shaking, hands trembling against the sheets like frantic doves trying to take flight.

As if staying awake will stop the nightmares.

So here I sit, in the shadows by your bed, and breathe with you. The smell of your breath is exquisite: pure, undiluted fear. I can even reach in and skim my fingers through your thoughts, making them swirl in pretty patterns. So beautiful!

Oh, here it comes, your little night-time ritual. Okay, let’s count those breaths together then. Are you ready?

One,

two,

three,

four,

five.

Is that better, my love? No? Thought not. But you keep counting anyway.

Are you going to start your mantra next? Do you remember the words?

I’ll remind you: I am here; I am safe.

“I am here; I am safe. I am here; I am safe. I am here; I am safe.”

That’s it, you keep chanting my love, I’ll try not to laugh too loud.

…

I’m closer now. Can you see me yet? I’m right here next to you! Yes, my breath is cold on your neck, isn’t it? You are stupid sometimes. I’m not surprised he kept telling you that. In fact, I loved it when he said that, it always echoed so nicely afterwards, made you much more malleable.

Oh, did that sting my love? Excellent.

These memories aren’t just yours anymore, remember? We share everything now, you and I. I’m here to keep you safe. Safe from all those monsters out there. The world is full of them, you know. You can’t trust anyone now but me. I am your only defence. I am your safety. I took over when he tossed you aside like you were a shattered doll. Face smashed, falling apart at the seams. No wonder he discarded you, broken and worthless.

…

Yes, that’s it, panic my love, I am hungry for it. Breathe faster — in out in out in out in out. I can see movement in those bony ribs of yours, that prison for your wasted heart.

Let me help, I’ll sit on your chest, I love feeling your heart vibrate. Such a thrill!

What else can we do to help you feel worse?

I know, how about those shadows in the corner? Have you clocked them yet? I’m animating them just for you. I hope you appreciate it. See how I can stretch them into human-ish forms! Look at them dance! That one actually looks a bit like his shape, doesn’t it? I am good, even if I do say so myself.

Ooo… that was a big shiver! Are you cold my sweet? You are shaking quite a lot.

Do you remember when you used to go out to dance? He took that away from you too, didn’t he? Just like your self-confidence. You’d never dare wear those skimpy dresses again now, would you? Learnt your lesson!

“I’m here I’m safe I’m here I’m safe I’m here I’m safe I’m here I’m safe…”

Aww, that almost sounds like an incantation. Are you a conjuror now? Well, here’s your invocation… Hehehe, you see me now, don’t you?

Yes, I see the shock in your eyes — finally, something to add a bit of life back into those baby blues. That dead behind the eyes look is so last season, dahling! This wide-eye vibe is much more YOU. And that pale, sweaty skin? Mwah, chef’s kiss.

…

I think you’re ready for more. Yes, I can smell it. Rancid, sour, delicious.

Let me just reach inside: deep, deep, a bit deeper, pressing that image nice and firm onto your memory. It must be your favourite, judging by how often you think about it! But let’s distort it for you, make it a bit darker, shall we?

Can you see him standing over you yet my love? That overbearing presence, leaning in as you shrank back into yourself, beer breath making you heave, reminding you how pathetic you are!

Oh, yes you can! Good, more tears, yum, I love that salty tang.

Covering your eyes won’t help! There’s that stupidity again. No wonder he humiliated you. You deserved it. Seeing the world through finger bars is quite fitting though, and very poetic.

This was all your fault, remember? Don’t ever forget that, it’s really important. I’ll keep reminding you though, so don’t worry too much — I know your memory is shot.

There you go, being dramatic again! What self-respecting adult sobs like a baby? I mean, go for it, I love the drama, your sobs are music to my ears. I might even do a little dance to celebrate. But this is why people always abandon you. Because you’re unstable. You know that, don’t you?

“Please stop.”

Stop? Don’t you realise I’m doing you a favour, helping you to remember? You gave me these memories when you made me… but don’t worry I’ll always share them with you. I was created to help you; you’d be wise to keep that fact in mind. And a bit of gratitude wouldn’t go amiss!

…

What do I want from you? What a silly question! I want what’s mine, what you promised when you created me. I want to save you. It’s kind of funny, you thinking I’m haunting you. I’m what’s left of you. I’m what’s keeping you alive.

No point shaking your head like that, you can’t get rid of me that easily.

“Please… please just go away.”

After you. I insist.

…

Ahhh, exhaustion, the tool that widens the cracks. Excellent.

You’ll feel better soon, I promise. Don’t fight it, dear, it won’t hurt. All those nasty thoughts will soon seem like someone else’s. Don’t you want the freedom you’ve been begging for?

We will breathe together, you and I. You inhale and I’ll exhale. Take a deep breath my love, that’s it, just like the doctor taught you…

Can you feel yourself sinking? Your identity becoming unstitched? That buzzing in your head is just part of the process, try to ignore it my sweet. But bonus for you, I can feel your heartbeat slowing down already.

That’s it, well done. Your consciousness is unravelling nicely. Almost there…

Yes, keep going. I can feel my breath inside yours, a few more like that, inhale, nice and deep, breathe me in, whole and complete.

…

“I drift up, light as dust. Looking down, the body breathes: steady, sure, sardonic. It’s not mine anymore. Nothing is mine anymore.”