Today

You're late.

We decided on eleven, right?

Ten. But it's fine. I was able to catch up on the news. Did you hear about the ceasefire?

No. I hadn't. Sorry I'm late. Elle was up all night again. I lost track of the day.

Did you call the doctor?

We went yesterday. Ear infection.

Poor girl. Is she with Mom?

Yes.

We can skip brunch if you want.

No, I wanted to see you. Mostly, I'm starving. Did you order for us?

A few minutes ago. You're on decaf now, right?

Yes. Damn it all to hell.

Cute, but you'll thank yourself someday. The first week is a shitshow, the anxiety of not having something versus the anxiety of having too much of it. The headaches. Nausea. But after a while you'll won't even miss it. You'll feel more alive than ever.

How divine.

Sleep is divine. Childless heathens live the good life. Hibiscus tea and wine. A little weed.

Are you seeing anyone?

Only in the mirror.

How's Trevor? You said he was funny. Great job. Good lay.

You're really are starving, aren't you?

Hardly. Mom's just going to ask how you're doing, and, unlike some, I have certain aspirations to be a good daughter. Lie to me. I can have plausible deniability and get into heaven or something. Maybe reincarnate as myself without strings attached. Just… say you're having fun with a guy from corporate. Someone she doesn't know. Someone she won't know.

I'm having fun with a guy from corporate and it's crazy hot.

I'm blushing.

Is this what you two talk about?

We talk about everyone, but she worries about you more than she says. You don't answer texts. You're conveniently absent from family gatherings. Mysteriously hidden on Facebook. I'm the one that answers for the void. When was the last time you visited? Have you even seen Mom since Christmas?

You need hobbies.

And you need to visit.

And, what, make a case for the void?

Your corporate guy. He's blonde. No, dirty blonde. He's older. Silver at the temples. But it's thick, like you could really pull on it. He's like a horse. An untamable wanderer that dons a perfectly tailored suit just to fit in with we pathetic mortals.

Christ.

He's sculpted, but without vanity. He only spends minutes getting ready, but he's always put together and has just the right amount of stubble. He's early. Frugal, but enjoys himself. And he lights up when he sees you walk in. In a room full of vicious, horny animals, you're the only one he sees. The one he loses himself in. He doesn't need anyone, but he wants you.

Okay, for fuck's sake.

Yes, the sake of fucking.

Trevor's bi.

And?

It's weird for me.

That doesn't preclude a relationship. Exclusivity is exclusivity.

Do you ever meet eyes with a ten and see that faint glimmer of a smile. It's subtle, but you know he's either polite or maybe curious. Two sets of eyes in the wasteland. So… so animal and hopeful. Every moment of knowing him all at once. Like you get how people fall in love. And then you realize he was looking past you the whole time at some other ten.

I see. You don't trust him. So prejudice.

So be it. I don't know how to compare myself to a man.

Especially if they're hotter.

Nice. So I'm damned to solitude, then.

Yup.

I never thought I'd feel threatened by another man.

Is that your epitaph?

How sweet. It's always bleak with you.

Death is our equalizer. The only thing we all have in common. Even reality is debatable anymore. You've been reading Wired. We're going to lose our humanity to the machines, and take all the leftover robot jobs. But they can't take our fragility. Our codependence. Our hatred and need to be loved.

I need a break from life.

Another epitaph?

I'm serious. I've let everyone tell me what I want. Men. Mom. You.

But I'm your elder.

By 45 minutes.

You have no choice but to respect my wishes and do as I say. I can still pass as you, so I'll always have my way. Guy from corporate won't know the difference.

Ew.

Like you never thought about it with Mike.

Jesus, no. What are you?

A wizened elder. And her madness will be respected.

That sounds like Mom. I lost my voice for a whole day last Christmas. I didn't tell anyone, but it was bad. I had Andy take my phone in the middle of night so I wouldn't make it any worse. You wouldn't believe the shit he had to hear coming out of my mouth. I broke up with him January 2nd. Sort of.

Ghosted.

Something like that.

Mom didn't like him anyway. Too short.

It's no business of hers, but it's always her business anyway. How's Dad?

He's… Dad. He was out in the garage when I left. He still hates retirement. He said last month that he thought he would want to travel when he got to be this old. Nowhere in particular, but somewhere… else. The home brewing kit I bought him last year is still in the den. I think they took down the tree and left all the gifts. He looks distant when I ask him what he's been up to, like he doesn't even know anymore and just waits to see how the Red Wings do every year. I see open copies of ENR all over the house, like he's found something incredible. Some marvel of man and earth… and he had to tell someone immediately, only to find it again somewhere else. I don't think he would stay if he knew where to go. I can't say he's well, but I don't know that I've ever seen him well.

Is Mom driving him nuts?

As much as she can.

But you drive her nuts.

I have a kid. I have a ex-husband. Mountains of debt. I guess that's some kind of metatheatrical madness.

Do I drive you nuts?

Always.

I was just thinking of Polly.

Polly was a noisy bitch.

Dad needs another dog. A friend.

I think that's pretty evident. Without the pretense of work, I'm not sure what it is men would do with themselves. I think Mike was traveling more days of the week than he wasn't, and I still have no idea what he did with the time in between. Not sure I want to know.

Is he still in insurance?

Who knows. When Elle's old enough, I'll tell her he died in the war.

What?

She gets to see him every other week. She likes him, and it hurts.

Did you want a dog? Back then? When we had Polly.

I didn't want an animal and I don't want an animal.

Fair enough. I've been browsing.

Hinge or Petfinder?

Charming. But I think loving an actual person is so complicated. Loving a thing, or the idea of a thing, is so simple and satisfying. I have so much room in my heart for dependance. I don't know how you did it.

Some might argue it wasn't an achievement. I'm one and two on the season.

But you made choices.

You could say that. I'm not sure who would choose to make a mistake.

I'm so far behind.

I won't argue with you there, but one can't possibly know what the opposite feels like. What pleasure is there in mapping it all out? Knowing.

What if there was a map that gave you the solution to every impasse of life?

Oooh. I love a would-you-rather. A map that gave you all the answers, or the blissful ignorance that every mistake was providential and nothing can stand in your way.

There's no difference. At least, none that we could ever be aware of. For all we know, we've made the right decisions all our lives. Mom… Mom made all the right decisions.

True. So that means there's only this. Our table, our decaf drinks and a whole lot of bad mustaches. There. One more moment of irreversible choice.

So dramatic.

You should call home.

I will.

Did you learn about Schrödinger in school?

The cat in the box? Probably.

I think about unknowables a lot. Just how you resolve something between equation, assumption and reality. Is time so measurable? Can it be a tide that moves in and out while we collectively hold on to some vague perception that it moves endlessly forward. The cat in the box lives and dies at the same moment. The uncertainty can mean anything. Ignorance itself is a paradox.

This is what decaf does to you now?

It was a long night. Too much screen time.

Obviously. But do I think about it. I look people in the eye and see them miles away, lost in another moment. Maybe a later moment. Assuming. I’m definitely here now, though. I feel like that observable fact is how I get to sleep at night.

You’d agree that facts are contingent on lucidity, though?

I guess. Sleep deprived or stoned, maybe some doubt creeps in. The unobservable becomes maddening.

Call home.

I said I would.

No, I need you to call home now.

Why?

You need to talk to Dad.

You said he’s fine.

He's not fine. He's not going to be fine.

What's wrong with you? Are… are you crying?

I'm always crying, but I want you to call him. I need you to hear his voice.

Can we eat first?

Now.

Jesus, what's going on?

Just do it for me. Call his cell.

Fine. You need a nap.

No shit. Thank you. Pretend I'm not here.

Hey Dad. Yeah, I'm good. Great, really. No, I'm across town having brunch. Yes, she's here. I'll let her know you said so. Yeah, Elle's getting big. I heard about that, poor thing. It has been a while. No, I didn't need anything. I just thought I'd call and check in. Are you staying busy? I heard about that. Is he retiring this year? Then you two can go fishing. I didn't know you sold those. I guess the smell would be pretty bad. I'm vegan, actually. No, nothing from animals. It's easier than it used to be. This menu has a whole section for miscreants like me. Miscreant. A rule breaker. It's going well. I'll see it through until the end of the year and maybe look for something better after that. I know. It's easier these days. I have a 401k. Yes. Yes, they do. I don't remember how much, but it's decent. I work remotely. Just a laptop and a cellphone and I can be at work. It's lonely, not really sustainable. Event planning. I'm not good at sitting still. I know you're not. You should try the brewing kit. It can't be hard, it just takes time and patience. Me neither. Yeah, I heard her. Tell her I said hi. No, I don't need to. I know that I need to. I will. Can you do something for me? Can you tell her I'm sorry? Just for whatever. Anything. I know. You too. You too. I love you too. Bye.

Now who's crying.

Jesus.

So to speak.

What's the matter with you?

Plenty, but I need to tell you something, and it's going to hurt worse than anything you've ever felt.

Now?

Now.

Okay.

Dad's dead. I mean, dead as I know him and dead as he'll be for you sometime late tonight.

Christ. You're losing it. Why the hell would you say something like that?

Because it's too big now and I want you to be ready.

This is insane. I'm leaving.

No. Please.

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, but it's going to happen. You can shut me out after this, but I couldn't let it go. Pets. Second cousins maybe. I couldn't keep this one to myself. I needed to hear his voice too. I wasn't sure about it all and now I am.

Tell me what the hell is going on.

Okay, but it won't help. We aren't the same. I mean, we are… biologically. Probably only five mutations apart, give or take. But, same as we might be in most every way, undeniable epigenetic factors have kept us separate. Whether those factors are the cause of the phenomenon is theoretical at best, but life gets in the way of learning these days. I have… I mean, I make less time to consider where it all could've come from.

For the love of God, just tell me!

We don't share time anymore. When we were girls, I didn't even notice it. Maybe it was only minutes back then, who knows. But I became ill and that was when Mom decided homeschooling was best and a decade of therapy and various handfuls of SSRI's and I was back as a normal human. But I'm so much farther away from you now, or you're farther from me. I don't know how that works. I can't put it any other way. I'm living in your tomorrow.

I'm taking you to the hospital. I'm scared.

Me too. Always. Maybe this was what frightened me the most. Losing a parent… or losing you. I thought I would keep it to myself as long as I could. Maybe keep a distance, some kind of oblivion. The alternative, as I see it, is making us both cry.

Let's go.

I don't want to. Not yet. I told everyone I needed to take a drive and that I would check in. I'll go. With you. But I wanted you to know that the gap is getting wider. The tether is getting weaker. I'm scared that I'm losing you in a way I can't fix. When we were in college it was just an hour or so. I can't have you run away from us. From me.

I… I don't know what you're saying. What about Dad?

Mom called around eleven last night and said he was gone. He just fell asleep and was gone.

No. No. I talked to him. Just now, I talked to him. You heard him.

She was hysterical so I said I would come to pick you up. This was then. Yesterday. I left Elle with the nanny. You're at the house right now and you're a wreck. But you're there and you're talking and you're looking at old photos. At some point during the game tonight he'll fall asleep and not wake up. You're all there right now and everyone's bringing food to the house. That's where I'm from. Tomorrow.

We have to go. Now. You're sick.

I know it's hard.

What? Hard? What the fuck can I do with this? God, I'm so sorry. I can't get angry with you, but you're scaring me and I need to get out of here. No, I need to call him again.

What time is it?

I don't know. Stop it.

It's 11:16.

Why.

Check your phone, there should be an NYT notification. Something about Gaza. They've started bombing again. Something about weighing sanctions. I didn't read the whole thing.

This isn't real.

It feels that way sometimes. The second law of thermodynamics suggests that something irreversible is innately prone to chaos. Or something like that. I feel like it brings to light the nature of time itself and how likely it is we're all on some modest path of destruction, just maybe not all at once. That's how I can make peace with it. The knowing, I mean. The paradoxes.

Do you know everything that's going to happen tomorrow?

Just between us. Your tomorrow. It’s today for me. I've been reading theories of quantum gravity that…

Okay. We need to go. I need to go. I have to see Dad. Get your coat.

You go ahead. I'll bring the food back.

I don't care about the food.

Not yet.

Goddamn you.

Take advantage of this if you can. This pre-grieving. We lose everyone some day, but to say goodbye and actually know it's goodbye is beautiful. You can't change it. You shouldn't change it. It's a wonderful… terrible mystery. I can’t say goodbye now, but I can give that to you.

I need to go. I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry. I love you. Get home safe, okay. I'll be there.

I need to call Mom first. I love you too. I'll see you sooner.

And I'll see you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi Mom. I'm coming back soon and I'm going to bring something for us all to eat.

We can't just eat veggie trays and brownies.

KFC?

That must've been Mike.

Yes.

I'll text him again.

Is she still there?

I'm happy she came out too.

It was nice to have us all together again.

Sorry.

I'm still here.

He knew.

I hope it was peaceful.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm coming home soon.

Did she talk about her new boyfriend yet?

You should ask her.

I'm sorry.

He's nice.

I think his name's Trevor.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I feel like he's still here too.

She loves you, you know.

Be kind to each other.

I'll tell her too.

Me too.

I meant that I was tired too.

Today's been interminable.

Interminable.

It means without end.

I love you too.

I'll be home soon.

I know.

Today's hard.

But we have to plan for tomorrow.