Manufacturing the Perfect Candidate

In the late 2030s, a large tech company, working with surviving elements of the old US government, built an AI system designed to stabilize the US government by helping to promote candidates/politicians who had the best interests of the US in mind and by hindering candidate/politicians who had their own best interests in mind. To achieve its goals, the AI system used all techniques available which included but were not limited to: cloning, gene editing, anthropomorphism, and attribute implementation. 

The system was called HAL-TARS. 

A group quickly formed to counter this AI-powered system.

That group was called Ripley’s Rogues and the Orange Cat. Their name sounded so cool, that in addition to working against HAL-TARS, they also formed a Retro SpaceFunk band. When they work in espionage though, they drop the Orange Cat part of their moniker.

The following memos and dispatches provide background and describe the incident that occurred June 16, 2078 that changed everything about the HAL-TARS system.

--------

First Video Dispatch from Agent Twain

June 16, 2078, 2:45pm 

Michael Bickerstaff’s big political speech was scheduled for 4pm on June 16, 2078. 

      Michael Bickerstaff arrived at the Hotel Faulty where he was escorted upstairs to the 21st floor, room 2112. Waiting in the room were two costumers - Henri Muchkin and Francine Coughkey –who were going to dress him for the speech. I, Samuel Langorne, was also in the room. 

      Michael spoke to the costumers: “Did you receive my instructions about me wanting to be dressed for tonight’s event as a combination of the three greatest minds of the last millennium - Jonathan Swift, Albert Einstein, and Lisa Simpson?”

      Henri and Francine both nodded. Henri opened a wardrobe revealing an assortment of clothing and a handful of liquid-filled plastic bags of Attributes - toaster-sized swimming creatures, one per bag.

--------

Ripley’s Rogues Top Secret Memo

June 1, 2078

The HAL-TARS system has started issuing concerning and confusing directives at an alarming pace. These include: termination orders against political dissidents (concerning), the elimination of all parking meters (concerning and confusing), and for “there to exist nothing but peanuts” (what?) 

The HAL-TARS mainframe must be located and deactivated. It has too much power and has gone off the rails. 

This task has been assigned to Agent Twain (code name Samuel Langhorne.) Twain is already in deep cover as Bickerstaff's personal assistant. It's common knowledge that Bickerstaff is one of the grandest accomplishments of the HAL-TARS system, so there's a chance that he could use Bickerstaff to get to the HAL-TARS mainframe. 

--------

Second Video Dispatch from Agent Twain 

June 16, 2078, 2:47 pm

      Michael - “Let's start with pants.”

      Henri removed a pair of baggy hosen from the wardrobe. “Plenty of room for Courage, Integrity, Resiliency, and Confidence.” Francine removed four of the plastic bags.

      Michael - “What about Initiative?”

      Henri - “Ah. Initiative is not something you stand on. It's something you put forth.” Henri thrust his fist forward as Michael nodded in agreement. “We’ll attach Initiative to your chest.” Michael stepped onto a foot tall stool as Francine proceeded to remove his trousers.

      Henri laid the baggy hosen on the bed while Francine set the attributes next to them. She opened the first bag, freeing the toaster-sized leech-esque creature. She picked it up by the head and turned to Michael.

      Michael - “Does it bother anyone when I say this part turns me on?” Francine gently placed the creature on the side of his hip where it affixed itself to Michael's leg. He closed his eyes and sighed. “The sweet gentle bite of Integrity.” He exhaled again. “Please place Courage opposite him.”

      Francine nodded. Checked the three remaining bags for Courage. 

      I walked over to the Attributes. Maybe if I could attach two Honesty attributes to Bickerstaff, he would not be able to lie about the location of the HAL-TARS mainframe. 

--------

HAL-TARS Historical Production memo from March 2062: 

The Design of Candidate Michael Bickerstaff. 

Bickerstaff Background: Michael Bickerstaff was designed to be the perfect politician. After a thorough vetting process, his parents were selected from over 2500 candidates. His mother volunteered for the honor, while his father (now deceased) had to be coerced. His DNA went through 29 different CRISPR procedures to reduce unwanted traits and emphasize desired traits that resulted in the following:

IQ – 7% above the national median. Smart enough to appear to know everything but dumb enough to be controlled by HAL-TARS.

Appearance – 9.8/10 on the Berry-Pitt scale. Best features include: piercing dark purple eyes, deep bass voice, and an incredibly sharp and prominent chin that was designed via 2 CRISPR procedures before birth and an annual plastic surgery polishing until the age of 14. The work on his chin earned 3 Crispy nominations with one win.

Odor – CRISPR procedure to modify his sweat glands to include pheromones. Note that precautions were taken to avoid another incident akin to Candidate 12 whose pheromone enhancement attracted wild coyotes resulting in the Jefferson Park Picnic Fundraising tragedy of 2051.

--------

Third Video Dispatch from Agent Twain 

June 16, 2078, 2:49 pm.

      Michael - “Samuel. I have a fantastic idea. It's a new campaign slogan.” He cleared his throat. “My name is Mike. And do you know what else starts with MI and ends with KE? Mistake. Therefore the slogan is - You can't spell Mistake without Mike.”

      I replied - “Sir, I don't think that's very good. You shouldn't be spelling ‘mistake’ with your name.”

      “Why not? Mistakes are rampant in politics, and by associating myself with them, I get more visibility.” He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as the Courage leech attached itself to his other leg.

      “But mistakes aren’t a good thing.” 

      “Oh Right. Um ... could we find an opponent for me to run against named Mike? That way, we can spring this campaign slogan on him. Make him embrace the mistake.”

--------

Dispatch from HAL-TARS 

June 14, 2078

Directive: Michael Bickerstaff needs to be rendered unproductive. 

Rationale: The HAL-TARS computer hive has run the base threshold of 112,000 simulations resulting in a 97.2% chance that Michael Bickerstaff’s presidential tenure will result in a bloody US civil war resulting in the deaths of approximately 82 million US citizens and the complete destruction of the following states – Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Grace. The State of Grace has not been found on a map as of yet. HAL-TARS is running an algorithm to identify where this state is geographically located.  

Bickerstaff has a large speech scheduled in 2 days. 

Agents have been deployed.

--------

Fourth Video Dispatch from Agent Twain 

June 16, 2078, 2:50pm.

      I replied – “I need to check on the remaining Attributes to ensure that they are safe for you to be adorned with.”

      Michael – “Never had an issue before.”

      I walked over to the dozen or so bags of Attributes. “Yes sir, but there might be a nefarious element in our midst that wouldn’t mind seeing the outcome of a hyperactive sex drive Attribute affixed before your big speech.” 

      Henri stopped for a brief second and glanced over to the hanging Attributes. He quickly resumed what he was doing, but not before I noticed the movement.

      Michael – “I had an overactive sex drive affixed to me at –”

      I replied – “Sir, there’s no need to speak of that.”

      Michael – “They were able to reattach my –”

      I replied – “Sir. Enough.”

      Thankfully, it was at that moment that Henri attached the Resiliency Attribute to the middle of Michael’s left buttock, causing him to exhale in delight and groan a tiny bit as well. 

      I removed the Initiative Attribute. I pulled out a small device and with one eye on the readout, and the other on the two costumers, I confirmed that it was labeled correctly. 

      I moved onto the next Attribute, this one labeled “Curiosity.” As I started to scan it, I noticed Herni looking at me out of the corner of his eye again. Why was he watching me? I didn't have much time to ponder because he drew a gun on us.

--------

Wikipedia entry dated January 31, 2038: Attributes were first developed a few months after scientists discovered the complex micromolecules that were the backbone of certain human qualities that were previously unknown to exist physically. Scientists then CRISPRed these molecules into Large Madagascar Leeches. These attributes included: happiness, open-mindedness, clumsiness, the 7 deadly sins, and boredom, among many others. Attributes were regulated after the nitrous oxide commune of Peoria attached multiple kindness attributes to each other, resulting in several accidental deaths.  

--------

Fifth Video Dispatch from Agent Twain 

June 16, 2078, 2:51pm.

      “Everyone please stand over here.” 

      Michael's eyes went wide. Francine’s mouth opened in disbelief as she looked at her counterpart, Henri. I dropped the Curiosity leech onto the floor, which started to slither across the room. 

      Francine - “Henri, what are you doing?”

      Michael's eyes followed the Curiosity leech as it slithered to the balcony's sliding glass door. He started walking after it, his attached Attributes swinging from his bare legs like an obscene surreal hula skirt.

      Henri answered Francine. “I have a confession.” He took his right hand, grabbed onto the side of his left neck and pulled his face - just a rubber mask - off! “I'm actually a conservative political operative!”

      Curiosity made it to the door, pushed it open, then slithered out onto the balcony. Michael followed.

      Francine smiled at Henri. “Oh yeah?” She reached up to the side of her neck, grabbed onto the edge of a mask and ripped it off, “I’m actually a regenerated clone of Hunter S Thompson!”

      Michael stepped out onto the balcony still following Curiosity. I glanced over, wondering which situation I should be more attuned to - the armed man or my only lead to the HAL-TARS mainframe.

      Henri gasped in shock, jaw on the floor. He reached up to the edge of his neck and pulled a second mask off, “I’m also a regenerated clone of Hunter S Thompson!!”

      Henri and Francine stared in disbelief at each other, both resembling a very short version of the long-dead Hunter S Thompson. At that moment, the Curiosity leech jumped onto Michael, affixing itself to his face. He gasped in delight as the Curiosity leech then grabbed onto the railing and swung them both over. My lead was gone.

      I watched them fall out of sight, then turned back to the clones. Henri and Francine were staring into each other’s eyes, when they suddenly and passionately started making out. They fell onto the bed, then rolled onto the floor out of sight.

      Now what? Clearly, the HAL-TARS mainframe was malfunctioning in a bad way. The two clones – which were now bumping uglies behind the bed – were another bad decision made by the HAL-TARS mainframe. The Michael Bickerstaff experiment was also misguided. The physical Attributes initiative was … well, one only need to look at the organized church scandals of the 2030s (See Appendix D entitled “Experimental Commandment Attributes Designed to Make People More Religious.”) 

      The HAL-TARS mainframe was too powerful, too all-knowing, and too off the rails. It needed to be stopped and stopped now. But my only lead - with Curiosity attached to his face - just went over a 21st story railing. How am I going to find the HAL-TARS mainframe, let alone destroy it? 

--------

Dispatch from HAL-TARS 

June 17, 2078, 2:01am.

I intercepted Agent Twain's report on the last day of Michael Bickerstaff. It is clear that I must protect myself from being destroyed by him. After running thousands of simulations, the only 100% effective way to ensure that Agent Twain does not destroy me is for me to destroy myself first. 

Initiate self-destruct sequence. 

--------

Final Video Dispatch from Agent Twain

June 18, 2078, 11:03am.

Well, that was unexpected.