I Have Strong Feelings For You Too

Today, I tell Neveah that I’m in love with her.

The confession has been burning in my chest for what feels like years. Truthfully, it may have only been a few weeks or months. The exact time is hard to quantify. Every time I walk into her coffee shop, she greets me with a “Hey hun, havin’ the usual today?” Then everything else fades into the background. Yet, every time, I still leave the coffee shop with nothing but the usual.

Not this time. Today, I tell her. Butterflies be damned.

With Neveah on my mind, my morning routine is a blur. One moment, I’m standing in the doorway of my bedroom. Next, I’m on the subway, watching the patterns of light and dark blend together in the yawning tunnel. I’m isolated on the train. The few others are equally spaced on benches, some holding onto smooth, shiny bars. Their chatter perfectly blends into white noise. It’s not enough to be overwhelming, but it's enough to make hearing specific words impossible. They won’t talk to me either. They never do. They just stay locked into their own worlds. No matter how hard I try, I can never remember their faces– but it’s alright, I doubt they remember mine.

My face. The reflection stares back at me in the glass, mirroring an expression so placid, you’d wonder if I had any thoughts at all. I do have thoughts, though. All of them are currently centered on Neveah. Her gap-toothed smile of pearly whites is practically seared into my long-term memory. Her pretty laugh is so perfect, it could’ve been the melody to a song. It comforts my ears.

Then, like a hammer driving in a crooked nail, the thought of Amanda enters my head. She’s nice too, I suppose. She’s in the coffee shop every day, at the same time as me. We chat a lot, and she gets pretty flirty. Sometimes, I flirt back, and I’m not sure why. I don’t have any real interest in her. Not like I do with Neveah. I suppose I’ll have to have a conversation with her as well, though the thought gives me a headache.

The train stops. A pleasant announcer’s voice welcomes me to Citytown. The passengers and I all stand up in sync, and then I’m outside the train. The city stretches on either side of me, and it reminds me that I might need glasses. Past a certain point, everything blurs into a mess of dull colors. Will Neveah find me more or less attractive with glasses, I wonder?

I ignore the nondescript storefronts and the occasional bird stiffly gliding above my head. The other people around me move in a routine stride, shouting friendly greetings. Instead of engaging, I walk up to the sparkling glass door of the coffee shop. I lay my hand on the cool metallic handle. Welcomed by the scent of hot coffee and cinnamon buns, I’m inside. The shop is a humble establishment with rough wooden tables and rickety chairs. Like the people on the subway, the customers are always engaged in polite conversation with no intention of speaking to outsiders. Framed pictures of images I’ve never been able to make out hang on the wall. But, none of that matters.

“Hey, hun,” Neveah says from behind the counter. Her vaguely southern accent is more comforting than the earthy aroma. Her olive green apron complements her dark skin and hair. Her eyes always seem to sparkle when she speaks to me. “Havin’ the usual today?”

“You know me so well,” I say on cue. The rest of the coffee shop fades out of focus as I approach the counter. “How are you doing today? No crazy customers, I hope.”

Neveah laughs her familiar laugh, and my stomach flutters. Her smile deepens. “No crazy customers yet. Just cuties. One cutie.”

She winks at me, and my mouth dries. My voice rebels against me. I can practically see what I want to say floating in front of my face. Hey, can we talk? I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss. The words won’t come. They stick in my throat, congealing into a blob of useless sentiment.

Suddenly, Amanda is standing next to me. Her two auburn braids frame earnest green eyes and a bright expression. Her glasses sit perfectly on her button nose as she blurts out: “Sorry to interrupt! I needed to catch you before you left.”

I blink as Amanda turns to me and continues to speak. “I hope you’re not busy. I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss.”

What? My ideal response is so tangible that again, I can practically see it floating in front of me. Oh wow…I’m flattered, but I actually think you’re just a friend. A good friend!

But I don’t say that. My own voice is foreign to me as it speaks without my permission. “Wow! Really? I have strong feelings for you, too!”

What? My mind screams at me, but my throat still refuses to obey me. My chest burns as I struggle to take it back, but I can’t move my jaw. I strain with the effort as Amanda’s face brightens and Neveah’s face falls.

“Oh, that makes me so happy!” Amanda says. “To be honest, I was worried you might be in love with Neveah.”

I am! Again, my lips betray my mind. I feel myself shake my head, despite my tendons straining to do the opposite. “Oh no, Neveah, is just a very good friend. Right, Neveah?”

Neveah opens her mouth to speak, and I can’t take it anymore. I force my mouth open again, pain splintering in the roots of my teeth. It’s as if a million fire ants begin racing under my skin and attacking my flesh. I try to force out the words: No, I didn’t mean that! That’s not true!

But instead, the world goes dark just as I scream: “No!”

Seconds later, I’m standing outside of the coffee shop again. My hand touches the handle, and with the scent of coffee beans and cinnamon rolls, I’m inside. Neveah smiles at me from behind the counter.

“Hey hun! Havin’ the usual today?”

What? My stomach roils as I move towards the counter on autopilot. “You know me so well. How are you doing today? No crazy customers, I hope.”

Her melodic laugh fills me with a sense of dread and panic. We just went through this song and dance, but it seems like she has no recollection of it. I’m tempted to think I’ve imagined it, but it was too real for me to believe that. I blink again, and we must have gone through our usual exchange, because I find the same words floating in front of me, hanging on the tip of my tongue.

I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss. This time, the words seep out with ease, and Neveah’s face brightens. “Oh, I don’t know what to say! I have strong feelings for you, too. Do you really mean that?”

Relief and excitement floods within me. My smile widens as a warmth fills my chest. Again, the words I want are in front of me, inscribing themselves in the air. Of course, I do! Why don’t you take a break and have some coffee with me? Instead, a laugh rips out of me– cruel and mean-spirited. The words change as I say a different thing instead. “Of course not, I was joking.”

What? My heart hammers in my chest, and a scream that will never escape builds in my throat. Neveah’s face falls and my spirits go with it. What is wrong with me? What is happening?

“That’s a real mean joke,” She says, tears brimming in her eyes. “I didn’t think you were that kind of person.”

Amanda is in our space again. Her happy face is an unwelcome view as she says: “Oh, looks like I interrupted something awkward. I was trying to catch you before you left.”

Again, she looks at me, and her smile stretches so wide that I imagine it splitting her face open. Just like before, she says, “I hope you’re not busy. I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss.”

No, not again. My voice does not repeat the words I’ve been practicing for days on end. My tears dry up as a smile that I do not mean forces its way between my twitching cheeks. “Wow, really? I have strong feelings for you, too!”

“Oh, that makes me so happy!” She says, her head bobbing. “To be honest, I was worried you might be in love with Neveah.”

Words that I do not believe threaten again to slip from my mouth. Oh no, Neveah is just a friend. A good friend. Right Neveah?

Instead, I manage to force out in a whisper, a different set of words that float in between the two of us. “No, I made a mistake. I don’t have feelings for you at all.”

This cruel retraction is not what I want either, but preferable to the lie I’ve been forced to repeat. Amanda and Neveah stare at me with no reaction, as if they are unsure how to respond. Then, I blink, and I’m standing outside the coffee shop once again.

The urge to run away is so strong that my legs threaten to buckle. Instead, I touch the handle, and I’m inside once again. Exhaustion weighs on my shoulders and burdens my tongue. I practically feel dragged to the counter as Neveah asks me if I will have my usual, and I ask her about crazy customers. There are only two of us in the world, as she calls me a cutie. I’m still unable to say what I want to.

I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss.

Then, Amanda is there to further ruin everything. Her voice echoes in my ears as she confesses her crush. Her next line moves slow as sludge, as I enter bullet time, contemplating just letting it happen. But as I shift my gaze to Neveah’s expectant look, I can’t bring myself to give in. I don’t know what’s going on. But, if I can’t force myself to say what I want, then I won't speak at all.

“...that I would like to discuss.” Amanda’s lips spasm around her teeth unnaturally as she finishes speaking, and I hold on to my resolve.

Really? I have strong feelings for you, too! The words implant themselves in my mind, but I clamp my jaw shut. The muscle twitches as the words appear, glowing so brightly that they burn my retinas. I try to shut my eyes, but I can’t blink. I am frozen in time, held hostage by words I have already said countless times and cannot take back.

A pained noise ripples between my vocal cords as my esophagus burns. Amanda and Neveah stare at me, wordless. Amanda’s wide smile twitches, and her overly excited gaze doesn’t move away from me. Neveah’s eyes move between the two of us, constantly shifting, her features a mask of vague confusion and sadness. The three of us are silent as what feels like fire and electricity burns my body from the inside. I will not say those words again.

I won’t do it.

The coffee shop dissolves into whiteness, fading away until we all stand in a blank space.

Amanda laughs, and it’s not like Neveah’s laugh. It’s sharp and robotic. Her head jerks to the side as the sound grows louder. Terror grips me as her neck stretches higher and higher. Her eyes spread apart until they are no longer attached to her face. Her glasses sink back into her skull, embedding themselves where sockets should be. Broken laughter echoes around the empty space. Her jaw unhinges, revealing her own sobbing face. I’m sure I’m having a nightmare as Amanda’s new form splits into two. Then four. Eight. She keeps multiplying until this blank expanse is filled with a thousand glitching Amandas.

Their laughter comes to a halt as they say in thunderous unison: “I have strong feelings for you that I would like to discuss.”

After another flash of white, she’s gone.

Once again, it’s just Neveah and me. But no relief comes, because she is fading away. Her skin and flesh turn translucent, her opacity lowering until she’s nothing but a ghost.

I try to confess my feelings or tell her I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done. But, I can’t. I try to take away all the times I’ve rejected her, but that doesn’t come either. My throat is locked up, jaw snapped shut in some kind of malicious compliance with my earlier obstinacy.

I can only stare in silence as Neveah fades away. Her smile still hangs in the air, barely visible against the white background. Then, it too disappears.

I feel the warmth of a tear slip down my cheek as the world fades into darkness once again.

***

“Well, that was a waste of money,” Rikki muttered, tossing her pink controller to the foot of her bed. Her cluttered desktop computer faced her. The icon for her newest game was isolated from everything else. Aggressively clicking, she opened the online store to begin the refund process for Existence is Simple.

A black box with bold white letters popped up on the screen: Your purchase date is outside of our standard return window. Please provide a detailed explanation of your request, and our team will get back with you.

Rikki scowled, fingers flying across the keyboard as clacking keys mingled with the whir of her PC’s fan. When she was done, she skimmed through her scathing review, adjusting typos as she went.

Holy shit. I get that this game is ten years old, but would it kill the developers to work out the bugs? I’ve put countless hours into a literal choice-based game only for it to crash every time I go with certain dialogue options. I dealt with it at first, but it kept getting worse. The Amanda and Neveah love triangle was the last straw. No matter what I did, the whole game would freak out every time I tried to lock in a relationship with Amanda. I tried a forced shutdown and then a simple reload. No dice. This last time, the game basically shit itself and crashed altogether. Please fix. Or fuck, just delete the romance choice option altogether– since clearly someone somewhere desperately wanted the player character and Neveah together.

As Rikki clicked send, her irritated gaze dropped back down to the game’s icon. Existence is Simple! A game where your choices matter!

She snorted as she deleted the icon from her screen.

“Where your choices matter? What a joke.”