It was my Fault

If I was the victim from the beginning I should have known. I wish I knew where I lost it. It's like I thought I knew myself but didn't. I should've known that he wasn't right for me. In the summer of my ninth grade year I met the love of my life. He was everything that I wanted. He wasn't perfect but he was enough. I thought I would meet the person I would marry much later but I was wrong. It just took me raising money to go to Spain with my church community. We sold food and washed cars mostly. Everyone was so excited for the event. It didn't matter what or how we would make it but we had hope we would go. Nobody really knew each other but that was ok. We still had each other to spend time in another country. I was searching for him though or waiting if that's the right word. I didn't feel connected to anyone. In fact I was dying inside. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and having no hope with it was not healthy for me. I was scared deeply and my only hope was this voyage with my church crew. I didn't care either how I would make friends but I knew that I'd make them somehow. After flying and boarding a bus to a gas station, we stopped for a quick snack. I was really distressed with the environment. I had my two sisters but its like we hardly knew each other. I passed a tall curly headed boy who was trying to get my attention.

“Hey !”, he said.

“What.” I answered.

“You know that kid over there, he’s sad because he has no girl to talk to. Go over and talk to him.” , he said.

In my mind I thought he was over his head. I rolled my eyes and said.

“ Yea ok .”, I said. I knew saying this would get him off my back about everything but even though I lied it was for the best.

I saw him and his friends again later when I was near the register.

I clearly lost it there. He was buying his cookies and I offered to pay for it. I didn't think much of it but we became friends after that. And not just friends, but best friends. It felt like a honeymoon after that. I always avoided his gaze. I was running away from him. I knew he liked me but I couldn't let him like me more. I had to try my best to ignore him. We were all going to prayer time and I bumped into him. Then we were both in the elevator and we got stuck together for a few seconds. He looked and smiled at me.

I said, “What ?”.

I asked him why he was laughing but he only looked away and kept smiling.

I was clueless.

We sat together to eat sandwiches. It was so simple. I didn't know it yet but I had gotten ham and cheese chips, the same as our sandwich. We both laughed at the incredulity.

He was falling in love with me and I didn't even know it. He thought I was pretty but we were also so young for anything.

I was surprised that anyone thought I was pretty because I always heard it in my life but never truly believed it for myself. One of the hundred of problems therapy tried helping me with.

We were so different. I was athletic and he was was more of a couch potato. I was talented and he was hard working. I was short and he was tall. I was smart and he was rather slow. I liked to sing loud and he just sang momentarily. And the list goes on.

We came back to our country and we were back home. I didn't really have the courage to ask for his number but I did anyways. I didn't think I had the capability and I surprised him when I told him thank you for being my friend and hugged him. The gratitude that I felt for having him with my in that journey was priceless. I never thought that I would be able to have that experience with him and I know that he felt the same way. The time was so precious that even my skitzophrenia felt the abounded love. A love that I never felt before.

Fast forward to now, he wasn't talking to me anymore.Our friendship was drained. And when I did want to talk to him he would walk away from me. I know that it wasn't because he didn't like me or wanted to talk to me but he was growing up. He was realizing that there was something better for both of us and that meant him leaving my life so I can find a better one. I felt so stricken by it but it was for the best and I know that he only wants what is best for me. Even though he could never say it to me. All the traveling and all the isolated times with myself when I wasn't with anyone led me to meet more people. People who supported me even when the rest judged me. I was an odd girl but that never stopped me from being able to make new experiences and keep going to new places. In honesty I was quiet for most of the time. I didn't talk as much as I wish I could but I did open up about my past with my friend Lexie. I told her about how I struggled with feeling loved. I was afraid of being taken advantage of and forgotten. Like how it happened with my lover, Erin. As much as I was left on delivered, I was glad that my friend could help me with what he did. It wasn't much but he was happy to talk to me and so was I. I think for now that's enough as an ending between us. And now I can move on.