Paalam Mahal Ko - (Farewell, my love)

Note: trigger warnings...

Grief

“Why did you take him from me?!” I scream at the top of my lungs, standing in the never-ending rain on this dark night.

Thunder and lightning echoed after my words lay silent in a puddle in front of me.

I shiver as the rain drenches me, waiting for an answer that I knew would never come.

I crumble to my knees, falling into the muddied puddle. Tears pour out of me endlessly, remembering the details from the police report, knowing that my beloved is not of this world any longer.

I lift my head up as if possessed and peer at the full moon. It was the only light in my path, but it was different this month.

The clouds passed quickly, revealing a red colored moon that I had never seen before. It was so damn beautiful. Why was it so beautiful when everything around me was so lifeless now?

I was entranced by the moon as memories assaulted my brain. It was as if I were at your viewing all over again. Distraught, hurt, and angry at God himself, for taking away my soldier from this earthly plain.

​

I walked the aisle to say my final goodbye, touching your hand for the very last time. Why were you so cold, my love?

It shouldn’t have been like this. Why does nothing make sense anymore without you here?

I was suddenly back in the muddied puddle, sobbing harder than before.

“Dear God, I need to go back. I need to save him somehow…this can’t be.” I plead to the red moon and stars.

I fall completely into the puddle and break down.

I close my eyes, bargaining and pleading for a second chance.

​

“I would gladly take his place if you would allow me, lord. Give me the strength and power to save him.” I pulled my rosary from my pocket and began begging.

​

“Please….I will do anything.” My voice cracked. I closed my eyes, feeling the rain embrace me.

I suddenly felt a presence when I opened my eyes; the rain had stopped.

Lying on the dry gravel and looking at the sunny sky, my mind tried to grasp what had happened, but then my heart stopped, as I heard my phone ring.

It was his ringtone.

I haven’t heard his ringtone in so long. I sat up, wiping my tears as people walked by me, gawking at this crazy lunatic.

I didn’t care. My hands shook as I watched his name and photo pop up.

​

With a shaky voice, I answered. “He-hello?” I hold back my sobs, praying this was not just a dream.

Immediately, his voice flooded my ears, like the best melody that I never knew I needed.

“What’s wrong, bug?” He asked, concerned. He always could tell when there was something wrong.

I muffled my sobs, looking to the sky, saying a silent, “Thank You”.

​

“What day is it?” I asked, desperate to know how much borrowed time we had.

“Are you sure you are okay? It’s August 8th, babe. Are we still on for today?” He asked, still clearly concerned.

I stared at the now sunny sky, realizing I only have one day to save him.

How was I going to do this? I racked my brain, desperately.

​

“Babe? You there?” He asked.

I blinked the rest of my tears away and stood up, shakily at first, but eventually firm on my feet.

“Yeah, see you soon.” I managed to get out.

“Ooooh, ok. See you in a bit then. You sure you're ok?” He added, again.

“I’m grateful.” I smiled as if he would see it.

“Grateful?” He questioned, clearly confused.

​

“It’s nothing. Drive safe. I love you, Bobba.” I managed to get out and wait for him to hang up. I couldn’t bear to be the one to end this call.

I still didn’t feel this was real.

“Oh, ok. I love you too, Bug. I’ll wrap up these errands and come in.” He hung up, and my heartbeat increased threefold as I had to come up with a plan of protection immediately, but first, I needed to get home. He was coming to go swimming at my grandma’s home.

​

It’s summer now, no longer fall. Realization dawns on me, and I start running towards my car to get home to Grandma’s house before he can beat me there.

My mind raced, unsure how to save him–how was I going to save both of us?

​

The accident is going to occur within the next 24 hours.

I reached my car, fully out of breath.

It didn’t matter if people thought that I was crazy.

It didn’t matter if no one understood me.

I was given a second chance.

I have to save him this time…

​

I beat him to the house by 20 minutes, hitting every green light as he hit every red light and excess traffic.

I stood by the entrance, waiting with bated breath for my boyfriend to arrive.

My boyfriend…my boyfriend who was suddenly alive and well again. He wasn’t my late boyfriend anymore. My thoughts ceased as he approached, and I stopped breathing.

​

He was there, standing in front of me again. He was shorter than me by at least a few inches and smiled widely when he saw me, giving me a big bear hug.

I embraced him like never before and held back every emotion that jumped to the surface.

We remained like that for mere moments, but in that time, it felt like my heart was regenerating.

His smell, his touch, and the warmth of his skin that I craved were here in front of me again.

When he pulled away, he studied my face.

“Are you really okay? You wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.” He quizzed me.

​

How was I going to save him? Stop him from going to work tomorrow night? How? This man was, or rather is, a workaholic. How? I thought of a million ways to come up with excuses to stop him.

​

I let go and gave him a deep kiss, much to my surprise, but he stroked my cheek and deepened it even more, causing my heart to flutter.

I left him temporarily to get into my swimsuit and met him in the backyard. He was so much at peace. My mind flashed back to the viewing, causing my stomach to sink. I simply pulled him into another hug and said, “Let’s go swimming.”

We had a great time, as he dragged me by my feet in the pool.

​

All the while threatening my curly hair to get wet. We laughed and laughed for the second time, like Deja vu. I stared at him a lot as he lay relaxing in the pool.

We played and relaxed together, bonding again. My heart soared from the intimacy that was lost and now found again.

God gave me a second chance, and I could not squander it at all.

​

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

​

It was the day of the supposed accident. I tried all the stops to keep him from going to work today. I asked him if he could call off for several reasons, but none of them made sense to him.

He was dead set on going to work tonight, despite my warnings and a near tantrum over the phone, nearly pleading with him.

I couldn’t tell him the truth; he would think I was crazy or high, perhaps.

​

Tears fell like the rain that night when I prayed.

I reached into my pocket for the rosary, but it was gone.

I had not received it yet, so of course, I would not have it yet.

​

I picked up the pieces of my mind, broken shard by shard.

We had to be smart about this.

How does one intervene and change one's fate when they are predestined to die?

​

I knew the answer in the pit of my stomach.

There were only two possibilities that made sense to me, at least”

He dies again, and there is nothing that I can do because fate is a cruel mistress at times, and all that is born must die one day. Or an equivalent exchange…a life for a life.

​

The heaviest of this burden weighed greatly on me.

This must have been a test from God himself, unless the Devil wants me to make a bargain that I know I would have made before in a heartbeat.

The sheer loss broke me in ways that can’t be explained. I would gladly trade my life if it meant he got to live another day. I would take my last breath if he gained another in his lungs.

​

I walked outside to the sunny morning sky as it taunted me.

“Ah, that’s right. It was a beautiful day that morning.” Bitterness touches the tip of my tongue as it stings.

​

Was I going to lose him all over again? Thoughts echoed inside me.

​

I felt like a mere bystander, knowing he would pass tonight. Knowing I would get the crash alert text on my phone at exactly the same time.

​

Panic set in, and I called him, pleading with him, trying to reason with him to no avail.

I sat on the bench near the porch, defeated and unsure of how to move forward.

I felt as stuck as before in the puddle of mud when I was screaming for a second chance, and now that I have that opportunity, what was I to do with it?

​

I couldn’t suddenly tag along with him to work.

Nothing I did deterred him from going to work that day, unfortunately.

​

I bit my nails as the time ticked away from us.

Unread messages.

No replies.

Until 10pm…

“On my home, babe.”

“How’s my girl?”

My heart ached and broke, knowing I was reliving the trauma of this night.

I hesitated because what was I to tell him?

“I came from the future back to the past to save you, but failed…I couldn’t save you. No matter how much I pleaded with you or God, or even tried to deal with the Devil.” All my prayers fell on deaf ears again.

​

It was 11pm suddenly, and I knew in my heart, our shared time together was ending once more–our second chance was running out like the sands of an hourglass. Too quickly, and no matter how much I fought the current, it did not matter.

​

11:05pm: I replied, “I love you, Bobba. Please get home safe.”

Even though I knew, I knew what was about to happen in the next five minutes.

​

All I could do was be the bystander in her room, waiting in horror, knowing my heart was going to be shattered once more.

He was going to leave this earth and never make it home in a mere matter of minutes.

​

11:10pm: The crash report alerted my phone as if it were taunting me.

“You had a second chance, and you couldn’t even save him. How dare you plead for him and not deliver?”

​

I curled into a ball, sobbing. Desperately reaching for my pocket again…

The rosary was back in my pocket.

​

What did this mean? Could I go back? Could I rewind time again, or would I be transported back?

​

I did not hesitate and clasped it in my hands and prayed one more time.

“Please God, Jesus Christ above, anyone who can receive this message…please hear my plea of pleas. Please allow me a third chance.”

Before I could continue, the sky outside my grandma’s house stormed loudly, with thunder and lightning.

My eyes widened, unsure if this was wrath or mercy.

​

Before I knew it, I was back in the puddle as if nothing had happened.

No one was around. Darkness consumed me once more, except the moon. It wasn’t red anymore. It was a bright blue hue.

​

I broke down again, screaming. I threw the rosary in the sky, and it fell back on my face. I recoiled in pain and held my nose.

​

The rosary fell on my lap and glowed a strange light instead.

“Child, heed my words…You cannot change the past; what has happened has happened. It hurts beyond measure…beyond words can describe, but you must keep surviving the days…you have a purpose on this earth…a mission that I must bestow on you when you are ready, my little sheep. I am not done with you yet. When you are ready, I shall call forth again, but until then, rest your weary heart in my palms.” A voice from the rosary spoke through my very being.

The hair on my arms raised, and the rain fell, but did not hit me any longer. It was like someone was hovering over me, sheltering me from the rain.

​

My tears dried up, and I rested my forehead on the rosary, contemplating whether I had just had a psychotic break or had gone through a trial bestowed from God himself.

It mattered not in all honesty.

I had a second chance, and although I could not save him,

I said my final goodbye.