From the brink

I had never known a darkness like this……….and this ‘muggy’ darkness would have an eeriness that would question your inner, and ‘never before used’ with such intensity, mental strength!

I would, after about three months, feel slight movement in my horizontal body, but with my surroundings being totally black, I couldn’t justify this, ‘other than to say’, that it just felt like I was moving very slowly through this dense darkness, as I could eventually see hope, when the ‘once dense darkness’, would now feature comforting, tiny spots of white light, and there appearance in the distance gave me some hope, perspective, and they immediately became a fixation, and were a constant image that seemed to be enlarging!

These, “once tiny”, spots of white-light would soon become larger, and larger, until the light flooded into my blood spotted eyes, and the black would eventually turn into light, which would reintroduce an abundance of colour, despite the actual object or person being, ‘no more’, than just a shape!

This effect would eventually improve, but to add more confusion, then it would now be with the ability of seeing two images, because I now had, permanent double vision, that was limited to about twenty feet, and the double vision, that I now had, was on two different levels, which made picking up, and putting objects back down again, very difficult, and along with a shaky arm, and a feeble grip, I would suffer many embarrassing moments, that could be shared with other, but much older, stroke victims!

It really makes you realise, and appreciate, what you ‘once had’, and what ‘these violent gangs’ gamble losing, with regards to their sight, their feeling and circulation, and their lack of movement when their, ‘once threatening’ muscly physiques, turn into a body of fat, that will cause numerous issues, “especially with regards to the heart”!

My reliance on the ventilator, that provided the aid that was required to help me to breathe, was my first, and very important requirement, until many weeks later I could breathe on my own again!

Trying to regain the abilities to talk, read and write again, would be emotional, stressful, embarrassing, and the loss of your self respect completed my route towards depression!

But my depressive state would not last long and being an inpatient in four different hospitals, really made me feel humble, because I would see many people worse-off than me, and previously having physical strength, and then laying idle in a coma, turned that muscle into fat, which I encouraged when I was redeemed to be safe, (after my tracheotomy, and my breathing tube was removed) to eat solid foods again, and this four month refusal of solid food, would mean a rapid weight gain!

Trying to lose weight, this rapid “weight gain”, especially when ‘comfort foods’(“such as chocolate”!) seemed to be the Number One gift to bring for the patient, but they were no longer received, and my rehabilitation had now begun, and I was soon attending physiotherapy, Occupational therapy, speech therapy, which would include learning to read and write again, and regaining these abilities, which I was once blessed with, would take me many difficult years, but regaining my sight would be very positive, encouraging, and so relieving, in my quest to further improve.

With the ability to see again, ‘albeit limited to about 15-20 feet away’, would be the ability to hear again, and the faint sound of voices were now heard again, which would offer more comfort, in this ‘now brighter grey’ gloom, and my daily routine would feature a guessing game, ‘as to’, who was speaking to me today!?

With most of my abilities regained, there was much for me to improve, but I had desired this return, and I was grateful for it, and I would try really really hard in my hopes to restore them to what they once were!

I was, fortunately blessed with time in this hospital, and ‘so far’ I had been in here for 6 months, and I was still continuing to show signs of positive improvement, from having a sudden, and life threatening, brain haemorrhage, and I would soon be able to return to our newly purchased home, that we had previously moved into almost 11 months before!

I had wanted to complete many decorating and gardening duties in our newly purchased home, ‘as well as’ continuing with my daily work, and with other jobs to complete, the pressure was silently increasing, and without access to a blood pressure monitor it was dangerously and silently increasing, and increasing, before it would burst through a weak vein in my brain! My World would change forever!

‘The word’, of a potential departure date, to my newly adapted home, would be very gratefully welcomed, and it would encourage me to try to improve further, because I was starting to get very depressed in these surroundings, despite the ward having plenty of natural light through 6 large windows!

When my ‘release date’ was confirmed, then the excitement could be joyfully shared, and it was similar to my first day of our joint ownership, when unlocking the door for the first time would give so much relief and happiness, but on this occasion I would not be with my Fiancée, and I wouldn’t be required to unlock the front door, because my Fiancee would already be inside, and I would be in the company of two, young female Occupational Therapists, and my long awaited, and eventual return home almost signalled the end of this traumatic journey, but there would be plenty of further adventures to provide happiness, laughter, relief, sadness and frustration, and frustration would become an ‘everyday occurrence’!

Adaptions were requested for physical reasons, and they would be relatively easy to get, BUT the mental adaptation would not easily be achieved! The first frustration for my mind to conquer, was when I first saw the garden, and ‘more appropriately’ the very long grass, and the flower beds, that now featured an abundance of weeds, because my Fiancée had temporarily moved back into her parents house, and she was no longer living at home, because the solitude was too upsetting!

How could I successfully achieve my gardening duties now? My Fiancée had made it perfectly clear, even before we had moved in, that she would not do any gardening, and that she had absolutely no horticultural desires ‘at all’, and the garden would be my ‘sole responsibility’!

My ‘longtime’ Fiancée, stood by me, and I continued with my determined progress, which exceeded many Doctors expectations, and I cannot thank those two Canadian brain surgeons enough, especially because it was by rare chance that they were currently operating in England at that time, and their expertise, experience and skills saved my life, and this life has not been wasted, and my appreciation is hopefully shown in my progress, which was very frustrating, upsetting and very, very tiring, but I tried to walk unaided again, I really really tried, especially because my Fiancee, would become my Wife four years later, and a year after that, she became a Mother, and I became a Dad to a beautiful baby boy.

Our Son was born nearly three months premature, and once again our emotions would again be exercised!

His eventual survival, after a successful operation, would again test our resolve, and the gift of this new life, along with the ability of giving life, will be forever appreciated.