A Haunted Prank

Drama Holiday Friendship

Written in response to: "Start your story with two characters deciding to spend the night in a graveyard." as part of Spooky Season.

"Come on Kiyara. Walk faster." Jane, my best friend said as we walked down the street. 

Aaah what did I get myself into I thought. Yesterday when we were watching a horror movie Jane came up with a plan, that we could go to the graveyard and spend the night there. I didn't want to go there, it was very spooky at night especially on a Halloween night. I shuddered as I thought about it. But I had to say yes because I didn't want her to think that I was scared and didn't want to go. Which was true, I was really scared. Jane thought it was a great idea and I assured her that it was. And that's how it started. She was so excited that she went home early so that she could pack things up and get ready for tomorrow night. Well, now that I was going there I had to get ready too. 

The next morning we decided that it would be better if they didn't inform their parents that they were going to a graveyard in the night.

Now that we were nearing the graveyard I regretted a lot of things, first that I was taking part In Jane's plan, second that nobody knew that we were going to the graveyard. I had never dreamed that I would be going behind my parents back to a graveyard. 

"I am trying to do my best," I told her when I caught up with her. 

"I can see that, alright,". she said. 

We stood in front of the gate. She took a deep breath and opened the gate. It made a loud creaking sound. That sent a chill to my spine. We took a step inside. 

"OMG! Kiyara look! it looks as if nobody has set afoot here for ages." she commented. 

"I know! It looks extra creepy to me now". I said shuddering. 

"I hope that we catch some ghosts in here, " she said as she pulled out a camera from her backpack. She just overstuffed her bag just like always. 

"Seriously Jane, You even brought a camera up here, ."

"Yes, I did. What's wrong with it?." she frowned.

"No. Nothing is wrong with it."I said quickly.

6 minutes have passed since we arrived in the graveyard. 

THANK God nothing scary has happened until now. 

Just then my thoughts were interrupted when I heard a scream from behind me. 

Oh my God!! . What did I just hear?.

"Did you hear something Jane?." I turned around to find that the place where Jane had been sitting was empty. 

"No!!" I shouted. 

Then I saw shadows moving here and there. I screamed. 

OH my gosh! This isn't happening I thought. 

Then I felt my hair being pulled. I started running at full speed. It was so scary that my whole body was covered with goosebumps. 

While running I fell, in the process, my ankle was twisted. 

I heard footsteps behind me and then I felt myself pass out. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When I woke up the sun was shining brightly. I realized that it was morning and the night was over. Then I noticed that I was no longer in the graveyard, instead, I was in my bedroom and the sunshine came through the window in my room. 

I couldn't remember exactly what had happened. I remember passing out but after that, everything is a blur. My eyes started to close and within seconds I was asleep. 

When I opened my eyes again, I saw my friends' faces around me. They were all grinning . What happened? Why are they grinning like that? I thought. 

 "At last! Sleepyhead is awake." Susan said in a dramatic tone. She lives next door (if it concerns you).

"Why are you all here?" I asked, my voice coming out deep. 

"We actually came here to apologize". Chris said. Giving me a wide smile. 

"Apologize for what.?" I asked. 

"for scaring you yesterday". Jane said. 

"What do you mean?"

"It means that we scared you in the graveyard yesterday. And now we are very sorry. I know we shouldn't have done it but it is always so fun to scare you." Susan said. 

"So it was you guys all along?. It isn't funny . It doesn't feel good fainting in a graveyard you know." I snapped. How could they do this to me.? How could Jane, who was my best friend do it?.

" Yup. We are really sorry Kiyara. Will you forgive us?." Chris asked. 

I didn't respond right away. 

" Yes, I forgive you guys. But I don't forgive you, Jane. I thought we were best friends. How could you do such a thing to me?. You broke my heart." I said my voice breaking. 

" I didn't mean to hurt you Kiyara. I didn't know that you would get that scared. I won't do this again. okay?. I sincerely apologize to you. Do you forgive me for being such a bad friend to you?. Please. " Jane begged. 

I smiled widely. 

"Yes, I forgive, you." I said, giving her a big hug. 

"Awww! You are so cute together." Susan said. 

"I wish I could have a best friend too." Chris said. 

"You have us. You can count us as your best friends can't you?." Susan said. 

"Yes, you can always count us in, " Me and Jane said in unusion. 

"You guys are so sweet. Thank you." Chris said, getting emotional. 

"Our pleasure!." I said. 

Then we all started laughing. It felt so good to laugh with friends. 

After everyone had gone back to their home,I went downstairs and found mom. She was cooking. 

I went and sat on the countertop as I used to when I was 3 years old. 

" How are you feeling dear?" my mom asked. 

" Much better." 

"Good. I got so scared when they brought you home unconscious." Mom said. 

"It is so embarrassing that I fainted in front of them. Everyone at school is going to talk about how I fainted in a graveyard." I said smiling at the thought that I got so scared and fainted because of a silly prank. 

Mom just chuckled. 

Wow, everyone will talk about how 10-year-old Kiyara got scared in a graveyard and fainted. 





Posted Oct 23, 2020
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91 likes 66 comments

Hello there Alina! You requested me to come here and critique for you, so here I am! Let me just start of this extremely long comment by saying how well written your story is! Really, I think you did a great job overall with the flow of the plot and how every part of this story interested me, as a reader. 😄

Another detail I want to mention to you is that your story felt like I had just switched on Netflix and was watching a movie. That was how nicely descriptive it was! That takes a lot of talent and effort for ANY reader in this world to say this to an author. You did an amazing job on that as well! 😃

The last detail that I want to mention before moving on to the real critique is that you did a great job building up your characters and giving them human-like attributes and characteristics. I LOVE the way you gave them such strong emotions in some scenes throughout your story. 😁

Now, getting on to the real critique part...

1. I saw a lot of '?.' in your story, and I just want to point out that it isn't a real punctuation. It's either '?', or '.' if you know what I mean...

2. "I didn't want to go there, it was very spooky at night especially on a Halloween's night." Did you mean "a Halloween night", or "on Halloween". Halloween's night doesn't make sense.

3. "But I had to say yes, because I didn't want her to think that I was scared and didn't want to go." Remove the comma after 'yes'.

4. " Well now that I was going there I had to get ready too." Add a comma after 'well'.

5. ""I can see that, alright " she said." Add a comma or a period after 'alright', because you have no proper punctuation there. (I suggest a comma!)

6. "It made a loud creaking sound which sent a chill to my spine." It isn't 'which sent', but, 'that sent'.

7. ""OMG! Kiyara look! it looks as if nobody has set a foot here for ages." she commented." Here, the actual word is 'afoot'.

8. ""I hope that we catch some ghosts in here " she said as she pulled out a camera from her backpack." Add a comma after the word 'here'.

9. "She just over stuffed her bag just like always." Join the words to make it 'overstuffed'.

10. ""Seriously Jane, You even brought a camera up here." I said." Add a comma after the word 'here'.

11. ""Yes I did. What's wrong with it?." she said, frowning." Add a comma after the word 'Yes'.

12. ""No. Nothing is wrong with" I said quickly." I have two suggestions here. First, did you complete this sentence? Second, if you meant it to be a pause, add an ellipse.

13. "I started running with full speed." It supposed to be 'at' full speed.

14. "While running I fell, in the process my ankle was twisted." Add a comma after the word 'process'.

15. "Then I noticed that I was no longer in the graveyard, instead I was in my bedroom and the sunshine came through the window in my room." Add a comma after the word 'instead'.

16. "They were all grinning ." You have double space there, just hit 'backspace'.

17. ".What happened? Why are they grinning like that?"On the contrary, you need to add a space between the period and 'What'.

18. ""At last!. Sleepy head is awake""Three suggestions: 1. Either have a '!', or a '.', don't do both. 2. Add a period after the word 'awake'. 3. Join the words 'sleepy' 'head'.

19. "It isn't funny ." Delete the space between 'funny' and the period.

20. "But I don't forgive you Jane." Add a comma after the word 'you'.

21. ""Yes, I forgive you."" Add a comma after the word 'you'.

22. ""I wish I could have a best friend too."" Add a comma after the word 'too'.

23. ""Yes, you can always count us in"" Add a comma after the word 'in', because there isn't a punctuation there.

24. "Me and Jane said in Onusion." I think you meant to write the word 'unison'.

25. "After everyone had gone back to their home,I went downstairs and found mom." Add a space between the comma and the letter 'I'.

26. "I went and sat on the counter top like I used to when I was 3 years old." Two suggestions here. 1. Join the words 'counter' and 'top'. 2. Change the word 'like' to 'as'.

27. "every one at school are going to talk about how I fainted in a graveyard."" Three suggestions: 1. Capitalize the letter 'E' in 'everyone'. 2. Join the words to make it 'everyone'. 3. Change the word 'are' to 'is'.

28. "Wow, everyone will talk about how 10 year old kiyara got scared in a graveyard and fainted." Two suggestions: 1. Add a hyphen between the words '10', 'year', and 'old'. 2. Since Kiyara is a proper noun, consider Capitalizing the letter 'K'.

Other than that, you did a FANTASTIC job Alina! Thank you so much for notifying me of your new story, because I am so glad that I got to read such an amazing one! Please continue to tell me whenever you have a new story, and I will make sure to be the first one to read it!! 😊

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 24, 2020 03:08

Omg!!.🤯
Thank you sooooooo much!. ☺️
I will be sure to correct the mistakes. Thank you for taking your time to read and critique on my story. 🙂
I will be sure to let you know. 😉
Yo are so sweet.
Once again thank you for your kind words and attention. 😊

Reply

Hello there, no problem!! Also, if you want, I wrote a story called "The Winning Coven", if you want to read that. Again, NOT forcing you at all! :)

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 24, 2020 04:01

I would love to.

Reply

Thanks! :)

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 24, 2020 03:11

I am so happy that you liked my story.
Could please notify me too if you post any new stories because I just love reading your stories.

Reply

Sivaprakash .
November 01, 2020 16:04

wow, can you critique my story too?

Reply

Sivaprakash .
November 01, 2020 16:07

jk my story isn't worth criticizing LOL

Reply

Of course! I would love to! (Everyone's story is worth critiquing...) :) (Also, I up-voted you so that you could have more points!🙂)

Reply

October 26, 2020 14:53

This is AWESOME! Nice story! Everyone should read this!

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 26, 2020 20:18

Awww. Thank you so much. ☺️
This means a lot to me.

Reply

October 27, 2020 14:19

You're welcome!

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 28, 2020 16:59

Please let me know if you don't like this story.
Cause I want to know if it's good or not.
Any suggestions are welcome. 😊

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 28, 2020 16:57

Please let me know if you don't like the story.
Cause I want to know if it is good or not.
Any suggestions are welcome. 😊

Reply

Rambling Beth
October 25, 2020 16:11

I loved this!! You've got really strong dialogue throughout, and I loved your characterisation. <3

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 25, 2020 16:22

Thank you!. Aww you are so sweet.
Thank you for reading it and commenting on it.

Reply

Sumit Tak
October 24, 2020 11:16

Immersive plot . A must read. Loved it....

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 24, 2020 15:23

Thank you so much. I am happy that you liked it.
BTW thanks for commenting. 🙂

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 23, 2020 22:46

Please let me know if there are any mistakes. It will surely help me a lot.
Thank you.

Reply

AJ Hensley
November 02, 2020 05:35

Hi Alina! I saw your comment on my story, and wanted to return the favor! I'm glad I came over to your profile because this was a very cute story. I think you had a great twist there at the end with it being her friends that had caused the big scare!

I don't have much else to critique that others haven't already pointed out. I think you've received quite a bit of lengthy and well-reasons edits and feedback from the group, so I'll end just by saying thanks for sharing. I hope you continue to share your stories with us!

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 02, 2020 05:44

Hi AJ, 👋🏻
Thank you! So kind of you. 😭😭😭😭
Yup, I sure did receive a lot of feedbacks. 😊.
Cause I make a lot of mistakes. 😬
Your welcome!.
Aawww! I will.... surely.

Reply

He!do I.A.P.N
October 28, 2020 21:26

Wow! I wasn't expecting it to be her friends at the end! It definitely had good description and an interesting plot line. I think the other person caught most of the grammatical and other errors, but I noticed one small one where you say

"...I regretted a lot of things, first that I "am" taking part In Jane's plan,"

you switched from past tense to present tense, so where it says "am" it should be "was"
Also another thing that isn't really required and maybe it's just my preference, idk lol, but I think capitalizing the title makes the story seem more professional, so you would write it "A Haunted Prank"
Good job!

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 29, 2020 01:40

Thank you so much reading my story. It means a lot.😊
And thank you for the feedback and the suggestion. I will surely correct my mistakes. 😁

Reply

November 04, 2020 05:38

Hey Alina! Its been awhile! Last time I was here you only had about 20 likes and like 18 comments look how much you have grown🤧😂😭I'm sooo proud and happy your getting the attention cause your stories are so amazing!
As promised I finished reading the last of your stories! I enjoyed it soooo mcuh and was so happy it was just her friends tricking her. I actually kinda guessed it since Jane was acting so weird😂

Few things I wanna point out! You got better at writing too!!!
But when doing punctuation- like when you use this (!) you don't have to add a period. So nothing like this (!.) I noticed some of that in your writing.
And when using these ("") the period should go before the last one so like this- ("blah blah blah.") <-- this is correct but this isn't ("Blah blah blah".)

So yeah thats all I noticed, but great job Alina!!! Do tell me when you release a story soon or later, I so wanna readdd!
Keep writing!!
PS...congrats on 60 likesss😉😉

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 04, 2020 08:08

Hi Ugochi. 👋🏻
Aawww, Thank you so much.
It's all thanks to all the wonderful people here, including you.
I really appreciate that you took out time to read my story. 😭
Yup, Jane did act wierd didn't she. 😅
I will surely correct te mistakes, thanks!!!
I will be sure to let you know. ☺️
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Thank you!
Have a great day.

Reply

November 04, 2020 13:36

Anytime!!!🤭
And you tooo, I hope you have a great day!

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 04, 2020 17:21

Thank you!.😊
It means a lot to me. 😭😭😭

Reply

V Bhandula
November 02, 2020 04:36

It's super cool I tho got the chills😃😃

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 02, 2020 04:42

Aaww, thank you. 😊

Reply

Itay Frenkel
November 02, 2020 02:01

This was a great read, just a couple of suggestions:

* You don't always need to end a line of dialogue with a period or question mark, most of them should be changed to a comma.

* If you end a dialogue line with a question mark or an exclamation point, capitalize whatever comes after it.

* You have some dialogue lines throughout that have an exclamation point or question mark and a period, you only need one of those.

Other than that this was a really fun read, great job! Could you check out the new story I posted "Circus Life?"

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 02, 2020 04:07

Thank you so much reading this story.😁
Thank you for the suggestion and the feedback. 😀
Sure! I would love to. 😊

Reply

November 01, 2020 09:24

Hi Alina,
I just read your bio. My birthday is also the 14 th of Jan and we have very similar interests. I loved your story ^^ it’s very good.
Lily

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 01, 2020 11:19

Hi Lily. 👋🏻
OMG!!!!! That's great. What a coincidence.
Thank you!!. Thanks for for reading the story. I will try to read yours soon.😁
Nice to meet you. 😊
~ALINA

Reply

Jo Axolotl
October 31, 2020 03:29

This was so sweet, Alina! I actually love that Kiyara fainted-though I never have myself, I’ve been at that ‘lightheaded from shock’ point and it’s pretty real. Also, this sounds like something my friends would doXD
You wrote “we decided that it was better if they didn’t inform their...”
Watch your grammar.
I enjoyed reading!
PS: Thanks so much again, for commenting on my subs.

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 31, 2020 13:07

Aawwww, thank you!☺️
I too never fainted though. But it seemed to fit there, so I
added it.😊
Thank you for the feedback. 😊
Glad you liked it. 😀
Your welcome!!!. 😁

Reply

Azalea Young
October 30, 2020 21:18

Hey Alina!
Your story was thoroughly developed, and had some excellent points!
However, I think there are some things that could be improved. Your dialogue was well written, but you don't have to specify exactly which character is saying what or how they said it, the reader will know without that added hint.
For example, the lines:
"Seriously Jane, You even brought a camera up here, ." I said.
"Yes, I did. What's wrong with it?." she said, frowning.
"No. Nothing is wrong with it." I said quickly.

You don't have to specify that Jane says the second line and Kiyara says the third.
Overall good work!

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 30, 2020 22:44

Hi Azalea. 👋🏻
Thank you sooooooo much for reading this story.
And thank you for your kind words.
I will be sure to keep that in mind. 😊

Reply

Felicity Anne
October 30, 2020 17:20

Hey Alina! I love your story!

I also saw in your bio that people don't like that you're talkative. I just wanted to say, love who you are! I also want to speak on the behalf of all introverts that we love talkative people! It keeps us from having to do the talking and it's always interesting to hear what people have to say. ;) Don't ever forget that God made you the way you are for a reason and that he loves you. Don't change for anyone!

Have a great rest of your day and don't forget to keep writing!

- Felicity

Reply

ALINA Manha
October 30, 2020 20:07

Hi Felicity. 👋🏻
Aawwww, thank you so much!!.
It means a lot to me. 😭😭😭😭😭
What can I do? no one wants to hear my blabbering. 😩
Once again thank you for your kind words they have helped me a lot. 😊
You too have a great day ahead. 😄.
You have made me the happiest person . ☺️☺️

Reply

Felicity Anne
October 30, 2020 20:33

No problem!! 😊😊😊

Reply

ESTHER Mwape
November 02, 2020 13:12

👏👏

Reply

ALINA Manha
November 04, 2020 08:33

Thank you.!

Reply

December 06, 2020 19:20

I like the character a lot. The plot is good and the sort of dry humor makes me laugh out loud. I did notice some weird punctuation, so you could use some work there, but Kiyara is a great character,r and her name is very unique.

Reply

ALINA Manha
December 08, 2020 22:23

Thank you so much!
Glad I could make you laugh.
I am working on the punctuation. Trying to get better at it.
Actually Kiyara is one of my favorite names.
Thank you again for reading and taking out time to comment on my story.

Reply

December 08, 2020 22:30

No problem! I love to read, and when I find something that I like, I'll b sure to tell the author that it's good. 😄

Reply

ALINA Manha
December 09, 2020 16:58

:-) thank you!
I will try to read your stories too.
You are really sweet for commenting and letting me know that you like it.

Reply

December 09, 2020 16:59

Thanks for reading mine! :) :) :)

Reply

ALINA Manha
December 09, 2020 17:14

My pleasure!
It's the least I can do.

Reply

Safa Jalil
December 06, 2021 06:52

Amazing story! When all the spooky stuff started happening, I guessed that It might have been Jane pulling the prank as the title suggests. I also like the ending when all her friends apologize. Although there were a few common mistakes, you did a great job.

Reply

ALINA Manha
December 08, 2021 23:37

Thank you so much for reading it.
Glad to know that you were able to enjoy the story.
Thank you for the kind words.
I was actually a biginner when I wrote this. It had loads of mistakes in it. But I am glad that I can write much better stories now.

Reply

Safa Jalil
December 09, 2021 08:06

Welcome!

Reply

Safa Jalil
January 10, 2022 09:09

What I do most of the time?
- read any random book.
- check out stories on reedsy
- upvote people
- bake something yummy
- write a story
- annoy someone
- run until my legs hurt ( that's a good way to pass time )

The last two...😂😂😂😂😂😂

Reply

ALINA Manha
January 16, 2022 17:27

That's literally what I do most of the time though.

Reply

Safa Jalil
March 11, 2022 19:54

Salam. How've you been Alina. I feel like we haven't talked for months (Which I think is the case). How's school? How's your family? Life has been so busy since school started. Tests start and finish, exams begin, they finish then mocks begin. Days go by so fast. Anyways, how are you?

Reply

ALINA Manha
June 18, 2022 10:47

Walikumassalam,
I've been good. I guess?
That's True. We haven't talked for like 2 months straight.
School is good and bad at the same time. It's really stressful to be honest. How is your school going?
My family is doing great alhamdulilah.
How's yours doing?
I totally agree. One exam finishes and the other starts.
I am good. Just not super good.
How are you?

Reply

Palak Shah
August 08, 2021 17:16

This is an awesome story and I loved reading it.
Also, I looked at your bio and I also adore the book Little Women and I have watched the movie countless times.
Could you please read my latest story if possible? :))

Reply

ALINA Manha
August 09, 2021 23:45

Thanks a lot!
Glad you loved it.
I absolutely love that book, it's the first novel that I read.
I haven't seen the movie yet.
Of course, I will. As soon as I can.

Reply

Palak Shah
August 10, 2021 18:15

Yeah it is a wonderful book :))
The movie is also amazing
Thanks :))

Reply

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