The Breakup That Didn’t Stick

“Ohh hiii cutie… I was just thinking about you.”

“Well lucky I called then. What’s happening? You OK to talk?”

“Yeah… I’m good. I’ve been working on my reflection notes since finishing my graveyard shift last night. Four pages… reading over them. Sometimes, I forget how insightful I can be.”

“Oh... cool. Do you think it’s helping?”

“Yeah… it’s good to get it all down. Some of these patients… they’re beyond help. I’ll send my notes to you.”

“Ah… that’s okay. I don’t really understand your field that much… won’t be able to give you good feedback.”

“Sending them now…”

“Josh… actually… I have something to talk to you about.”

“Yeah… what’s up, cutie?”

“Ah… this is really hard to say….. Well, the thing is.. I’m not happy with this... – you know?- I’m not really feeling comfortable with this relationship.”

“…ok…....”

“After you left… I felt... like relief... When I got back into work… this thought popped into my head… like this is where my energy should be… with something.... - I’m so sorry… I can’t do this anymore.”

“Ohhhhh… shit. I didn’t think this call would turn into a break-up call.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Cassidy. I love you… and I’ve invested so much energy in you…”

“I loved you too… but I feel like you just bounced out of a long-term relationship… straight into a relationship with me. Without healing.”

“Yeah.. That's true. I can see how you see that. But… when I see something special… I believe you’ve got to grab onto it with both hands… and never let go.”

“I know… but I just feel like we are too different. Everything happened so fast…”

“I think the long distance is the problem. It’s been doing my head in.”

“No… I like the long distance. I’m busy… you know? With work, and family....”

“But if we spent more time together… you would understand me… you’d become an extension of me, and me of you.”

“That… doesn’t sound healthy.”

“But this is the first healthy relationship you’ve ever had...I think you’re running away from a good thing… you love me so much… and you’re so scared to lose me. Your inner child needs to know she is loved.”

“Look Josh… This honestly doesn't feel good to me...I feel like I have no say. You tell me when you’re visiting… when I am coming to see you… without asking if that’s okay. It’s… weird.? I was just starting to get my mental health sorted before I met you… and now… I feel worse than before...”

“Ohhh… I’ve been so pig-headed. I didn’t consider how busy you are… I leave, and I’ve got all this time for myself. Maybe we should step back… I don’t want to cramp your style. I am curious though… what exactly are you looking for in a partner?”

“Ummm… maybe someone with similar world views… maybe… actually, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about that.”

“... I think you are waiting for the perfect guy to land on your doorstep.”

“…I dunno… there’s other stuff too. Like what happened at my party… I was so invested in the relationship… but you didn’t respect it… then with Carly…”

“We talked about this already… I told you my mind-frame… when I was with Tara—”

“Yes Josh… I know. Firstly, you said I was wrong… then you said it was normal… only after literal hours.... days of conversation… you admitted I could be right.”

“Yes I understand how you feel. I realise now… you are the jealous type… that I have to watch your micro expressions… to make sure you feel safe… … there’s something I didn’t want to tell you about Carly… at Mel’s party… she approached me… she was so into me… I noticed her nipples went hard when we talked…”

“Ohh, haha OK.... but do you remember it was cold that night? Also… if you believed she was interested in you… why did you flirt with her? If that happened to me with one of your friends… I’d keep my distance… so they get the hint.”

“We’ve already gone through this…”

“Honestly… I don’t trust you.”

“You don’t trust anyone… Cassidy. I know you’re scared, babe… just listen to your heart… go with what it’s telling you. You’ve been traumatised…”

“I get what you’re saying… I’ve had a rough time… but I need my space… to heal… to trust myself again.”

“I do understand that…”

“I loved you… and I’m sorry. I got so caught up… We only talked about the bad things that have happened to me. I want to talk about good things… I love playing piano… but I haven’t wanted to play in front of you. I don’t know why… it’s like I sensed you didn’t want to hear about my good things… just the bad. I really… I wish you the best… thank you for being there for me.”

“This doesn’t feel right… I think we both need to agree to this… You still love me. I feel protective of you… I don’t want you going out… hooking up. I could still be there for you, in that way… so you don’t have to. I just want you safe.”

“Umm… ok… do you think that is smart?”

“Look… I don’t know. Maybe… I just don’t want that image in my head… of another guy… I can step back… I can do that for you. I just want you safe.”

“Ok… maybe… we’ll see. I just feel like… maybe it’s not a good idea?… maybe you should get out there… to feel single.”

“Yeah… but I’m different in that way. If I hook up… it’s a soul connection… not a one-night stand.”

“Hahaha… so, if I have a one-night stand… I just have to look them intensely in the eyes and say it’s meaningful? Then it’s ok? HAHHA”

“No… look… I feel like you are getting a little nasty.”

“Ok… sorry… but it’s a bit ridiculous.”

“I think you’re running away from something good… you saw me. You chose me… I think your trauma is speaking right now.”

“Maybe… I don’t know…it really doesn't feel right, right now. Please?”

“Ok… so I’ll take a step back… make it safe for you, like you are a cat.”

“Hahah OK…”

“I just need security from you.”

“What does that mean?”

"You know security?…”

“I don’t, please tell me?”

“Uhhhhh....Sexual security.”

“So as long as I don’t hook up with anyone else? Unless we are soulmates of course? Hahaha"

“Don't make fun. Love you, babes… glad we had this talk.”

“Ok… I’ve got to go… have a good night… talk later.”

“Alright… sleep well… cutie!”

“Bye… Josh…”

⸻

“Heya Cassidy!”

“Heya Trent! How are you going? Is it a good time to talk?”

“Yeah… just finishing up a movie with Rose… now is good. What’s up?”

“Ahhh its Josh… I tried to break up with him… but it didn’t take. He said that we both have to agree… That’s weird, right?”

“Ohh Cass… yeah… that’s weird. You know if one person wants to break up… they don’t have to agree.”

“Ohhh good… I thought so. I got soo confused. He asked what I was looking for in a guy… and I couldn’t answer. He said I was waiting for the perfect guy to land on my doorstep…”

“…Cass… that is messed up.”

“Yeah… it felt yucky.”

“That is so fucked, Cass…”

“Yeah… it made me feel like I was being too picky… but don’t I have the right to be picky?”

“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you… you don’t have to settle.”

“Yeah… it was just so confusing… like something’s wrong with me…”

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Thanks Trent… I feel like I did the right thing… but I don’t think he understands. I think I have to be more assertive.”

“Please try Cass… if you need help, I can be there with you.”

“Thanks… but I’ll try and deal with this on my own… I’ve got to go… have a good night… and give my best to Rose.”

“Love ya Cass.”

“Love ya too bro!”