Call of all Time

“Hello?”

“Dad, it’s your son!”

“Um, I don’t have a son, kid. Or a wife. I think you have the wrong number, buddy.”

“No, no, I’m your son from the future. Your name is Daniel Adams. You live in an apartment and pay rent by flipping burgers at McDonald’s and making somewhat mediocre videos on YouTube.”

Daniel said nothing.

“Don’t worry, your videos get better in the future.”

Daniel almost laughed out loud. For a second, he considered ending the call, but he decided he wanted some fun with it first.

“Okay, kid, why are you calling me from the future?”

“I need to warn you. Don’t invest in anything.”

“That’s literally the worst advice you could give anyone.”

“I don’t know. It was just what my dad said to tell you.”

“But aren’t I your dad?” Daniel scoffed.

“No, I mean my dad from the future.”

Daniel sighed. “Look, kid, you’re wasting my time.”

“No, no, look! There’s another warning!”

“What’s that?” Daniel said impatiently.

“You need to dump your girlfriend.”

“What?!”

“It’s the only way.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. It’s just what you in the future told me to say.”

“Okay, if you’re really my kid in the future, why don’t you just give the phone to your dad—or I guess that’s me—and see if it’s the same voice.”

“My dad said you would say that.”

“Of course he did,” Daniel said through a sigh.

“And he can’t. He’s in the other room. He can’t be here.”

“Why not?”

“Because that would mess with the physics of time. Because when he was in your shoes, he said that I said he in the future wasn’t in the room. Therefore, he can’t be in the room now, because that’s what he did when he was you and he was the future Daniel—”

“Hold on—”

“—but now he’s the future Daniel, so he has to do the same exact things he was told by me from the future in the future—”

“Kid—”

“—otherwise, he would mess with the physics of time. However, the physics of time are impossible to mess with because time has already happened—”

“Stop—”

“—is happening, and will happen—”

“Stop talking!”

The other end of the phone fell silent.

Daniel blinked and stared at his phone. “So… tell me what you just said, but only in a few words.”

“That time is a closed loop.”

“Right. Obviously… How the heck did you pull out that whole explanation?”

“I take T.T.E.”

“What’s T.T.E.?”

“Time Travel Education.”

“Of course it is… Look, kid, I know this is a prank. I’m just messing with you, you know? I’m not that gullible. I’m gonna hang up—”

“You keep your pillow in the fridge so it’s nice and cool at night.”

Daniel was taken aback, as though this kid had just hit him in the head.

“Eighteen,” the kid said next.

Daniel’s jaw dropped. No, it couldn’t be…

“That was the number that went into your head just now.”

Daniel sat up on his couch. “Okay, so you might actually be calling from the future…”

“I called you in the middle of you watching Stranger Things, didn’t I? Season two, episode five, and this is your fifth time watching it in the past year because you’re kind of addicted.”

Goosebumps crawled up Daniel’s skin. “What the heck, man?”

“So here’s what you need to do: Dump your girlfriend and never invest in anything that will lead you to having a happy life, a good job, a great family, and also a car that doesn’t even compare to your 2003 Honda Civic.”

So he knew about the Civic, too.

“So that’s it? I just need to break up with Miranda?”

“Yup. Text her right now.”

Daniel considered it for a second, but then realized everything that entailed.

“I don’t want to lose her! Her parents love me, and she loves me, and we’re great together. You’re telling me we’re not meant to be?”

“She’ll end up not a great person.”

“Well, maybe that’s because I dumped her. Or, will dump her? Is dumping her?”

“All are correct. And no, she actually turns out not great because of the guy she dates after you.”

“So it’s still my fault! She wouldn’t date that guy if I didn’t break up with her!” Then, slightly confused, Daniel added, “Wait, but I haven’t broken up yet…”

“But you need to. This is essential.”

Daniel stared at his phone. He tapped the Messenger icon. Miranda was a pinned conversation. He tapped it.

“What would I even say?”

“Not too much. Just say that you’re not ready for a relationship yet or something like that.”

“I’m 25! We’ve been dating for eight years.”

“Just say that you’re dumping her.”

“No, no, this is absurd!”

“If you don’t, you’re messing with the physics of time.”

“I thought you said messing with the physics of time was impossible.”

“It is, which is exactly why you need to break up with her right now.”

Daniel took a deep breath and blew it out quickly. His thumbs tapped the side of his phone.

“Do alternate timelines exist?” Daniel asked.

“That’s something scientists are trying to figure out right now. But as far as we know, not really.”

“But theoretically, what if I just don’t break up with her?”

“Time always finds a way.”

“But what if it didn’t?”

“…Do you know how crazy that sentence sounds?”

“No! I’ve never taken T.E.E.”

“…T.T.E…,” he corrected.

“Doesn’t matter!” Daniel looked back at his phone. “Fine, I’m texting her.”

Daniel wrote the most painstaking sentence he had ever had to write, and just before he pushed send, the kid on the other side of the phone started laughing uncontrollably. Daniel heard a few other voices join in as well.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you actually fell for it!”

“Fell for what?”

“You don’t actually need to dump her!”

Daniel quickly deleted the message and then put the phone back to his ear. “You’re telling me that you’re giving me fake advice?!”

“Yes!” he said through intense laughter.

“What the heck, man?! You’re not even from the future, are you? You’re not actually my kid.”

The laughing slowed a little. “No, no, I actually am your kid from the future. How else do you think that I knew all those obscure facts about you?”

“So… uh… what?”

“Me and my friends are just prank calling our parents in the past today! But actually don’t invest in anything.”

“What? Why not?”

But before Daniel could get the answer, the call had ended.