My reason for my Disassociation

(this involves some suicidal thoughts and speaks up about mental health and basically the inner turmoil some people go through in silence)

People ask me about my worries as if it's something I can put into a sentence alone.

They ask why I zone out a lot more. In my defence, I always did it before. Although my silence is now laced with something more torn and layered ,something that I cannot confide in with the people I love.

You might be thinking that "communication is key" and that I "can't hide it forever," but this type of burden is something that will destroy them. I have fallen in love.

With someone whom I could not be with due to religious reasons, but now find other issues with.

I always knew that at the time I could not be with him because he is not a Muslim, Then there was the factor that he was out of my league and not to mention that even if he did convert my parents would probably would not accept him, We came from different friend groups, cultures ,background's and morals.

But we had this one weird connection that no one around us had, like a niche hobby no else has but because this one person has it you have to be with each other because you both see and understand a part of each other that no one else does.

Kind of a frequency no one else hears.

I cannot sleep peacefully because the one who makes me safe enough to fall asleep is not with me; he is currently somewhere I can't reach him.

Now I have found myself consumed with a person whom I thought I would never even like. Now I'm in love with him, not just the part we share in common, But the parts of him he didn't notice ,the parts I took time to understand.

I know I'm young and considered too stupid to make proper choices, or so I have heard. But I know he is a person my soul was looking for since it was separated; he is the reflection I look at with a smile, and the barrier is the mirror itself, delicate but formed from families who have survived hard conditions with us, and we cannot break through them to reach each other.

People make comments on how I take care of myself better.

But I used not be able to take care of myself ,because I didn't want to live and Allah commanded me to stay alive and survive so I did And he made me want survive so I could look for a reason to feel alive, I used to only find solace in characters and now I find solace in his memories and the way his voice used to sound.

What started it was an idiot came along with his friend and angered me so much that I decided to live out of pure pettiness, but then his friend annoyed me a little less then usual, I kept in mind that I had just started surviving, out of anger and duty admittedly so but then I saw his friend one day and talked to him sincerely, no insults, no hatred, just a chance and he showed me what it feels like to be alive, he became the reason of me feeling alive that I was looking for, he talked to me like I was his favourite person, Like I was the "I wasn't supposed to tell anyone this but I of course had to tell you" , It felt wrong to gain comfort from my adversaries best friend and I couldn't tell if he was sincere or not. Then he started to show me signs and little hints.

I ignored him because I had assumed he was not genuine about this. He was, but he wanted to be my best friend, and because that's not allowed in my religion, I distanced myself, and he understood and respected my boundaries without either of us needing to talk.

We admired from afar, but then I felt a deeper pull towards him. Then I realized I, liked him, he noticed this and felt the same pull, but we were only strangers and worlds apart, so out of the question.

Then he tried to stay in my obit, and I pushed him away so he could move on. He did with an old friend of mine , he didn't know I was friends with her, but when he did find out, it was too late, the damage had been done. He tried to anger me to see that surviving light, but he found light that wanted to kill everyone who hurt it or tried to force it out; he got burnt by it, and I lost a stranger with memories. He spiralled so badly that he got kicked out of our school. I haven't seen him in months. I don't deserve to see him because he is an extraordinary human being, and I was the idiot who made him feel worth less then human with hurtful words during the last couple of days I saw him in the school we had made up, but there was too much left unsaid. But since he has left ,I have not slept correctly; my sleeping pattern looks like it's been through the five stages of grief. My parents asked why I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't respond.

Now I only mutter his name and wait for the day I might see him again, I have taken up writing and still admire him but I now live with his memories , I have no photos of him nor do I have a phone so we cannot communicate but even then we never communicated with words ,we did it with silence and proximity. I wish I could return all the love he has made me feel. I wish I could put in more effort to get to know him, but now I am left with a tightness in my chest knowing that he's the right person, but time has a cruel fate. I know it's for the best, and it will help build us into the people we need to be so we can be together again, so I don't mind the wait. Not that it doesn't hurt, it's just like sanitizer on a cut, it's for the better, just stings.