The Guests, The Feast, and Their Lovers

The first Wednesday of each month they gathered. A private member only soirée. Cats-purr and Hare-raiser, arrived together, Slink-skin and Octopod a few minutes after. The long wooden table in the Great Hall alight with flickering candelabras, golden cutlery, and cut glass. As they assembled behind their designated seats, they each gave a nod of greeting to one-another. Hog-squeal, as usual, was the last to assemble behind his chair. They stood silently waiting for The Gong to sound. On cue, at midnight, the gong echoed five chimes, one for each of the party. As soon as they took their seats, Fishwives began to carry out an array of delicacies to place before the guests. They were a strange group of diners. They had nothing in common except a ravenous appetite for the weird and wonderful that they were about to devour.

Hog-squeal could hardly contain himself. ‘Mmmm, this all looks just simply wonderful, I cannot wait to get stuck in’ he squealed with pleasure. His huge hairy trotters waving in the air with excitement. ‘I wonder what the ‘Star Special’ will be tonight, I so enjoyed the pickled, roasted, Rat heads in eyeball sauce we had last time.’ He looked around the gathered guests for affirmation, but they were too busy eyeing the growing mound of food.

Octopod was having an issue with his seating position. Better suited to a larger seat with more leg room for his many legs. ‘I hate it when they squeeze me in-between the others.’ He fumed, whilst eying up a pyramid of boiled crabs and roasted fish heads. ‘Deliciousness itself’ he drooled to Cats-purr, sitting opposite, and looking wide eyed at the steaming seafood.

Slink-skin had the most beautiful markings on her lengthy body. She could curl up like a spring or stretch herself out majestically. She was so proud of her shimmering coat. She found herself positioned between Hog-squeal and Octopod.

Hare-raiser and Cats-purr always sat next to each together, their hairy legs secretly touching and rubbing under the table. They had been enjoying each other’s company for a while, keeping their secret from the other guests. Hare-raiser was hoping for some lush grass or juicy carrots. Disappointed when they never appeared. ‘Never mind my love,’whispered Cats-purr, ‘You can share my fish heads if you’d like?’ Hare-raiser looked even more disappointed. Hare-raiser would just have to pin her hopes on a sumptuous ‘special’ tonight. ‘Hmm, I need to grind my teeth on something crunchy and moist’ she thought, running her long tongue over her molars.

A fanfare sounded as a long wooden slab was carried out by four Fishwives into the Great Hall. The guests tried to crane their necks to see what amazing morsels were being offered as the ‘Star Special.’ But when it was placed in the centre of the table, they could not grasp what they were looking at. For on the huge wooden platter was the guest that was missing from the feast. The guest that the others, in their hurry to sit and drool at their supper, seemed to have forgotten about. Spreadeagled across it lay Goldzard. The beautiful markings on his skin now cut into slices and grilled to a crisp. His head, still attached to his magnificent body had a rosy, red apple holding his mouth wide open.

The assembled guests were speechless. Slink-skin’s tongue at once felt the air for betrayal. She could taste what others could not see and sniff out a rat in seconds. Goldzard had been her mate, her companion for many years. She had borne so many of his children, giant snakelike lizards that could run, slither, and squeeze the life out of their prey. None of the other guests knew this, and she would keep her secret from them, for now.

Octopod was the first to speak. ‘What a shock, what a catastrophe, why has this happened?’ He bellowed. ‘The rules are clear; we do not eat the other guests!’ He looked about him, avoiding meeting anyone’s eyes. Slink-skin scrutinised his expressions, his movements anything that could give him away.

Hare-raiser was bereft too. Being a herbivore meant that she would never have contemplated eating a fellow diner. ‘So sad, so sad, so sad,’ she repeated softly. She glanced towards Slink-skin who looked away, not wanting to give her feelings up. Cats-purr agreed with Hare-raiser and Octopod. ‘Oh, dear this is just terrible. Octopod is quite right, we do not eat each other!’ He looked across the table at Hog-squeal, who he thought was strangely and unusually non-demonstrative. ‘Are you feeling yourself tonight?’ Cats-purr asked him in a concerned voice. Hog-squeal quickly pulled his trotters back from under the table. ‘I was not feeing myself at all, how very dare you even suggest such a thing!’ He squealed indignantly. The other’s roared with laughter. He was not the sharpest tool in the box.

‘Was Goldzard even invited tonight, does anybody know?’ Hare-raiser seemed to aim the question towards Slink-skin. The diners all shook their heads, except for Slink-skin. She had begun to raise herself to her full height, her head almost reaching the ceiling. She was an impressive and overbearing sight. ‘Yes, I know he was invited but he has been missing for several days now.’ She hissed her disapproval and her anger towards them all.

Hog-squeal suddenly stabbed his long golden fork into the flesh of Goldzard and popped it into his mouth. ‘Mmmm, so succulent, yet crispy with a hint of salt too!’ He enthused, reaching across for another morsel. Octopod tried to signal to him, worried that he would land them both in hot water, literally! But Hog-squeal was enjoying himself far too much to notice his accusatory glares. His thick skin and ferocious appetite, his two major downfalls.

Nobody else had moved a hair or spoken. They were too busy watching Slink-skin. She was already sitting in-between Octopod and Hog-squeal, her flickering tongue could detect their body sweats, their quivering, their treachery. ‘I know it was you Octopod, and you Hog-squeal. You betrayed my greatest love; you both shall pay for this!’ she spat her venom into their eyes. Blinded, they grappled to find their feet, Hog-squeal tripping over Octopods eight legs and Octopod sliding to the ground. But she had not yet quite finished. With a flourish she bit off Octopod’s head as his legs collapsed under the weight of his body. Hog-squeal tried to escape but Slink-skin whipped her body around him squeezing him so hard that his eyes popped out and rolled across the floor, landing at Cats-purr’s feet. He bent down and put them on his plate.

When the life had finally drained from the fat pig's body, Slink-skin released him. She slithered over Octopods legs and took her seat back at the table. Cats-purr and Hare-raiser were not sure if they were next or if it was just the other two, she was annoyed with. Cats-purr was braver than his beloved. ‘Are we safe here?’ He asked the now recumbent snake. ‘Oh Yes my dear friends you are quite safe,’ she hissed. ‘I could smell their fear as soon as my beautiful husband was put before us this evening,’ she continued. ‘Have we all lost our appetites now?’ She asked.

Cats-purr and Hare-raiser looked at the spread of food before them. Slink-skin felt their stomach rumblings on the tip of her tongue. ‘Shall we eat my friends?’ she asked.

‘Well, not literally maybe?’ Hare-raiser giggled, nervously. The three guests’ laughter rose and quickly fell again as they silently began to eat their long-awaited supper.