A Relationship

“I feel so lost, is there no hope?” I wondered aloud. Let’s rewind a bit, shall we? It started 3 years ago, when we began a long distance relationship. We had been long time friends of at least 5 years. The relationship was on again and off again three times. The reason you may ask? I have always been emotional, following emotions instead of logic, often getting me into trouble. Any little thing could set me off, which made it hard to be with and deal with me. I will have to be honest with you to help you understand. I’m bipolar and it’s not always easy to control it.

Now let’s talk about him. He has always followed logic over emotions. It made it hard for him to share his thoughts and feelings with me. He didn’t really understand emotions easily. Not to mention he had a certain charm. He was always great to me, trying to put my needs first over his. But that led to clinginess, an almost toxic amount. I grew accustomed to him being there constantly, not realizing his own needs. He needed guy time, and I had trouble giving him that when he wanted it. I ended up breaking up with him, caught up in my emotions again. That time, we lasted 6 months.

During that time, he came to visit twice. Our first date was wonderful. We went to a popular beach in my area. We sipped on some peach flavored tea from one of the tea shops and walked the boardwalk, browsing the gift shops before lunch. The funny thing is, I normally don’t like tea, I actually despise it. At one of the gift shops, he picked out a purple tinted crystal necklace, a silver mermaid circling it. It was beautiful. After the boardwalk, we decided to hit the beach, but the waters were too choppy and turbulent to safely swim. However, we did have a lot of fun getting knocked over by the waves in ankle deep water. I was mostly the one getting knocked down. That evening, he met my parents for the first time. My mom practically had to drag my dad by the ear to get him to come meet him. My dad is funny that way. He doesn’t like to meet the boyfriend until we have been together a long time. Says, “You have to like him first, you are with him after all.” Basically, he’s afraid of ruining the relationship. I won’t get into it but it’s happened in the past with my sister. But it went well. He was only there for a day due to being down for a cruise. My parents surprisingly even took him to the airport.

The second visit, he visited me again. We stayed at a cute Air BNB. It was small, but both rooms had a really big comfy bed, each with a different patterned beach blue bed spread on them. Even the shower curtains were beachy. It inspired me to redo my bathroom theme later on. We went to the beach and we were able to swim. He had gotten me snorkeling gear for my birthday, so we snorkeled in the warm blue water. I have to admit, it was fun. I remember going to a breakfast joint around the corner from the Air BNB another day. His work alarm woke us up at 5 in the morning, instead of going back to bed, we chose to eat. He treated me to chocolate pancakes. It tasted so good. He was there for 5 days, and we did many other things. I even got my ears pierced again with heart shaped 14k gold studs. I missed him so much when he left.

The next year, we got back together. But it didn’t last long. He was going through some things that made him irritable. I was going through caffeine withdraws, which caused irritability as well. It was effecting my work badly with the constant fighting. But he did get me a really nice Valentine’s Day gift during that time. It was a card with a lot of thought and emotions put into it, something he had trouble doing. He also got me an opal colored heart shaped necklace with a little fox in the middle. He got me many other things too. Like a custom pillowcase, and if I remember correctly, a gift card to our favorite game. I of course got him something as well but I can’t recall what it was. Because of the constant bickering and fighting, I thought it was best to break up until we both were under control. Neither of us were happy, and we both understood that. We lasted only 2 months. We had vowed not to get back together, but life had other ideas.

Fast forward to the beginning of the third, and perhaps final, time together. It was about a year and a half later. After some careful thought, we couldn’t see ourselves with anyone else. We got back together, for what could be the last time. I screwed up and said some awful things to him during a panic attack. I didn’t think, I just acted. What I had said had came out of seemingly no where and led to our break up. I don’t remember what I had said, my brain decided to suppress the memory. All I know is, I was awful. Before this all went down, I visited him for just over a week. It was my first time flying, I had gone to visit him for Thanksgiving. We all drove to another state to spend time with his family, just 8 hours away. Everyone adored me, at least that’s what he said, though I have no idea why. I really clicked with one of his cousins, she was awesome and I saw a kindred spirit in her. We ended up going on a double date, which I’ve never done before, to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I wonder how she would feel after reading this. On the final full day, we went to an outdoor mall in town, afterwards going on a date to a bowling alley/arcade/climbing/ bar. It was a bit of everything, but we didn’t get to do much there, I was rather sick to my stomach. I had trouble sleeping the entire week, jet lag as they call it, which messed with my physical state. Over all, the vacation was fun, but we had to wake up to reality and get back to our everyday lives. We both cried when I had to leave. The flight assistant was concerned but polite.

Needless to say, I’ve had many firsts with this man. This last time, we were together for 4 months or so, I didn’t keep track. But I threw it all away during that fateful night. We can’t go back to how things were, I don’t know if it’s possible. There is a deep chasm between us now. A logical man with an overly emotional woman? It was doomed to fail from the start. We were just too different in so many ways. For one, on his burger, he only likes cheese, mustard and pickles. Gross. Mine however, I will only take with cheese, ketchup and onions. But I can only pray he finds happiness, even though it will be with someone else. As for me? I think its best I stay single to work on myself, everything I have neglected, and my relationships with other people. I never seem to learn from my mistakes anyway. I know I can’t avoid it from happening again. After all, this can ruin friendships as well.

You may be wondering, what compelled me to write about my ex and our relationship. Well, to put it simply, I want to remember the good and the bad. To come back to this and smile at the good times, and hopefully learn from the bad. How else will I grow? So what shall I do now I wonder? What do you think I should do? I certainly have no idea. I’m serious, can someone tell me?

Later on, I found he had blocked me, this is the result of my actions. Things really are over for us. I’m heartbroken, I’ve ruined everything. Everything is my fault. I didn’t stop to think during my panic attack. I just acted so stupidly. But nothing can be fixed now, as much as I wish it could be. I’m an idiot. I just keep ruining every good thing in my life. I've dug my own grave, and I can't get out.

While I wrote this story, my emotions have been all over the place. From happiness thinking of the good, to depression, anger, and resentment for myself as I remembered all the bad. It’s been a big, muddy mess of all these emotions. Yes, I even cried. I must have changed the ending a thousand times during this emotional roller coaster. I chose to go with the first ending, it’s what I had initially been thinking and feeling. I’m realizing, and I’ve said it before, that I’m better off single. My emotions and constant mood swings have made every relationship difficult. While I don’t want to be lonely, I don’t want to continue this viscous cycle. Thank you for reading until the end.