fracturing us

TW: substance use, violence

Silas

I stared at my phone as I redialed the numbers.

What kind of an idiot was I? Ella had hurt the shit out of me, so I’m gonna be like a fucking golden retriever back to her?

I never wanted to go back to that bar anyways.

She overreacted. It was just a neck burn.

But I didn’t know about the panic attacks. She could have told me about that. Whatever.

Clearly she didn’t tell me about a lot of things. Yet here I was, dialing some random number that’s probably across the street from the bar. I sighed, and then cleared my throat as she picked up.

“Si? Why did you call again? I thought you said that you couldn’t get me out of every mess I made,” she stammered, I could just picture her sitting there, her thigh fat just as small as she wanted it to be. Her mascara coming off slowly. “Waterproof” mascara is a scam, according to Ella. Her dress was probably soaked. She would throw up after more than five shots in a short period of time. Her face was probably all blotchy and red.

She probably still looks beautiful, though.

That was the thing about Ella. She could be sweating, crying, having dirt all over her face, but she would still make you fall in love at first sight. She would be your airport crush, she would be the show-stopping moment.

“I-I just…” I choked. Spit it out, Silas.

“You what? I thought you were dead,” she said, her voice breaking at the end. My heart melted, but I stayed firm. I was dead? Whatever. She’s drunk.

Shit, she was doing it again.

“Ugh, Ella, stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“You know what you’re doing, and it’s working.”

“What am I doing, I’m so confused?”

“You’re acting all sad and scared and confused; you’re just trying to get me to come back for you. You always do this,”

“I don’t always do this. Were you going to come back for me, Si?”

“What? Stop that, Ella, I’m so tired of you and your little games.”

“I need help, Silas,”

“You’re drunk, and I know you’re sitting there in your cute little satin mini dress that cost our apartment’s rent, and your clicking stilettos.”

“Fuck you, Si,”

“Fine.” I ran my hands through my hair as the phone went silent.

Two months, gone in a phone call.

I put my head in my hands and then took a deep breath. Then, I grabbed some boxes we stowed away in the clothes closet and then started throwing my stuff in them. I could just go back to my place before I met Ella, in Boston. I rented it out to people, and that put some cash in my wallet, but that’s it.

Whatever.

My stomach got a little tighter when I picked up the grey sweater and shoved it into a box. Ella could come home any second now. I’m already high on Tate’s hit list for whatever reason, so I better watch my back.

The sweater was falling apart, just like us.

Ella was always obsessed with taking photos of us doing anything and then hanging them up. She had a section for both of us. I took one of my favorite photos down.

We’re at the ice cream store down the street from us, and mint chocolate chip is dribbling down her chin. She’s looking deep into my eyes as I wipe it off with a napkin. This was one of the few photos I took, and I just loved it so much.

But everyone always looks happy in photographs.

***

Ella

I wanted Silas. I just wanted Silas.

Or anybody.

I was alone, and the night air was starting to feel really cold against my bare shoulders.

I reached into my pocket to check my phone, then I remembered. My shoulders slumped and a few tears rolled down my face. Slowly, I got up, then wiped down my dress. It had dirt on the back of it from the musty gas station floor, and now all I had was Tate and Michael, but they’re probably already gone.

This here is the living, breathing definition of the point of no return.

I stumbled back up the road to the bar, where I saw Michael’s car, and I sighed a sigh of relief.

I opened the doors and felt my stomach churn.

Tate, where’s Tate?

“Taaaate,” I called, my voice going high. I tried to look for her across the bar, scanning all the corners, but I couldn’t find her.

“Tate, where are you? Michael?” I was nearing desperation, and I just needed to get out. I couldn’t call an Uber, though.

“Hey, miss, can I help you?” a voice said from behind me. A man, looking to be about my age, with a polo shirt on tapped my shoulder.

“Uh, hi, um, maybe?” I stammered, wondering what to do. What would Silas do?

Didn’t I just say to fuck Silas though?

I groaned internally.

“Well, do you need a ride?” the man asked.

“Well, what’s your name?” I replied. He chuckled, then looked away briefly.

“Park, what’s yours?”

“Ella.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

“Sure, now, what do you want from me exactly?”

“Do you need a ride?”

“Who says I do?”

“I dunno, you just looked kinda helpless and I thought I’d offer you a ride,”

“Wow, so you wanted a damsel in distress moment, didn’t you?”

“Um, no?”

I rolled my eyes and scanned the bar again for Tate or Michael. His knuckles grazed my arms and a shiver ran down my back. Shit, I thought, if this man has a jacket for me I’m screwed.

Okay, what would Silas do?

I looked at him, and sighed.

“Do you want to hook up with me, Park?” I simply asked. His cheeks flushed and then he shuffled from foot to foot. “Well, do you?” I asked again.

“Do you?” he retorted.

“Oh my god, don’t do this, Park,” I drawled, still looking for Tate. God, they just had to be here somewhere. Michael prized his car so much, so it didn’t make sense for him to leave it here. Unless something happened.

“Would you be mad if I said I just wanted to kiss you?” Park said, bringing me back to Earth. Well, to hell with Park. I would probably never see him again. And Silas was probably packing his things right now.

To hell with everything.

“Would you be mad if I said yes?” I replied, not giving a shit and just going with it.

He smirked and then the next second his mouth was on mine.

His hands roamed all over my body, my tight dress was definitely what he was after. He grabbed my hand and we moved towards the back exit, pressed against each other.

“Ella, what the actual fuck are you doing?” I heard someone bellow from the other side of the bar. My heart stopped and I looked around. The bar had gone quieter, now a faint murmur stretched in the building.

“W-who’s there?” I stuttered, smoothing my dress down.

“Hey, come on, Ella, let’s get out of here,” Park whispered into the nape of my neck. I shuddered, which I could feel him grinning at. Pervert.

I could hear footsteps coming over. I tried to replay the voice in my head but it was all muffled. I wanted to keep going with Park, but who had just called my name?

I looked into the crowd and saw dark brown eyes, tousled hair, brown skin, and a blue shirt.

Fuck, Silas.

***

Silas

My face froze as I saw Ella, standing there, all over a random guy.

That should’ve been me.

It should’ve been me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, that should’ve been me, it always should have been me. Anger boiled in me like a tea kettle that was about to implode.

Ella looked me in the eyes, and I could see her face go white. I had my boxes in the car, but I was going to see if Ella was in here. Something told me I needed to. Clearly.

Ella ran towards me, and then stopped right in front of me. There was barely enough room to step forward between us.

“Si, you came,” she said, all breathy. From kissing that random guy. My blood ran ice cold as I saw him coming this way.

“Fuck, Ella, what in the world were you thinking? Who’s that, that guy?!” I yelled, not able to get a good breath in.

Ella looked like she was on the verge of tears, and I was kind of happy.

“It’s not what it looks like,” she exclaimed, her face still like I pictured it.

Her beauty still like I pictured it.

Her nose was just inches from mine, and if I leaned in a little bit more-

Silas. Stop that before you do something idiotic. It already happened tonight.

“Then what did I just see? Because you making out with some random person wasn’t something I saw in my mind,” I spat, and my heart just crumpled as Ella’s eyes went like a doe’s, all innocent and large. I forced myself to look away, keeping an eye on the boy from the back.

“I-it didn’t mean anything,” she whispered, barely audible.

“What?”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“Ella, it’s loud in this bar, what are you saying?”

“It didn’t mean anything, you ass-face!” she screamed. The bar went quiet again and she seethed, she pushed my chest away from me and she screamed again, holding her head like it was splitting in two. Ass-face. She used that to describe me two months ago. Wow.

The boy came up to me, his eyes squinted, and raised his fist to my jaw. I prepared for the blow, to hear a snap, but his knuckles stayed right below my jaw.

“What are you doing?” I breathed as his eyes twitched in an inhumane way. He was like a dog who all the neighborhood kids were scared of. Put a metal collar around his neck and I would believe it. His droopy eyes looked into mine and he inhaled.

“Don’t fucking touch her, man,” he said, as if he had known her and been with her for over a day.

“I-I wasn’t, I promise,” I whispered, scared. He smirked a little. He knew what he was doing, and it was working.

Man up, Silas.

My breathing was heavy as I slowly backed away, but Ella was right in my path and I tripped over her. She screeched again and this time, his fist didn’t stop.

The world spun around me and all I could hear was Ella’s screeches and people yelling. I grabbed my face and then felt a throbbing sensation creeping up my throat. Any food I had eaten spilled out and onto the floor, and I heard more of Ella’s screams.

“Shut up, Ella,” I drawled, barely able to talk. She just screamed louder. My god.

“Shut up, Ella,” I said again, making any effort to make it louder.

I saw a light. Fuck, the angels have come to drag me to hell, haven’t they? Well, what was I going to do in Boston anyways?

I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.

I needed some sleep. Work was crazy and I was only getting five hours of sleep a night, roughly. Here’s the perfect time.

Ella finally shut up, and white noise cradled all of my thoughts.

***

Ella

What do I do, what do I do?

It was like my body wasn’t even mine anymore. My head pounded and my chest felt like it was being pulled at, like a rope on a middle school field day. I couldn’t get enough air.

This had happened before.

How did that end?

I ended up here, sobbing over Silas’ motionless body, the only movements coming from his chest from shallow breaths. I had thrown up five times already, and my legs couldn’t hold my weight.

“Ella, come here,” I heard a voice echo from behind me. I froze, and felt sturdy hands on my shoulder blades, caressing my back.

“No, I’m not going,” I pouted, sounding like a little kid at a playground.

The whole world was my playground.

That’s what my dad told me once. I didn’t care, I didn’t give a single shit about anything. I floated around effortlessly and everything went my way. My grades were excellent, every teacher loved me, and nothing bad ever happened to me. I walked into the path of swinging hammers and walked out unharmed.

All of that was always on the outside, though.

On the inside, I walked into the swinging hammers, thinking I would come out unharmed, but I came out with every single one of them hitting me.

I couldn’t escape it.

“Come on, Ella, let me take you home,” the voice said again, with a sweet tone. It spun around me like honey. It wouldn’t let me go. It trapped me. I gasped again and then stood up. The person entombed me in their arms and I couldn’t breathe.

“Let me go!” I struggled, pushing on their chest to see who it was. Park.

“Ella, don’t you need a ride?” he asked, his arm creeping around my waist. The alcohol was seeping into my veins, taking over my systems.

“Y-yes, I do,” I responded, losing any ounce of control I had over myself.

“Okay, baby, let’s go,” he murmured, getting handsy with my back. My stomach tightened and I felt vomit creep up my throat, and so I swallowed.

“Park, I-” I said, covering my mouth. He looked down at me and frowned.

“What is it, baby?” he asked, pulling me into a hug.

I tried to swallow, then swallowed again. My hands stayed clasped over my mouth. He pulled back and then I relieved my stomach all again, all over his chest. His face twisted into something dog-like, and I felt like a bunny. Something to prey over.

He was looking like a nasty fox.

I felt tears well up in my eyes and I started stumbling away from him, saying I’m sorry over and over again.

“No, no, Ella baby, you’re fine, really,” he said, walking towards me. I reached the double doors and saw Michael’s car and then felt like throwing up again. Where were they?

“Here, I have a towel in my car, and we can get you a bag,” he calmly stated, grabbing my arm and directing me in the other direction of Michael’s car.

“Wait-” I called, reaching out towards the bar doors.

“Uh-uh, you don’t need anymore drinks, baby,” he cooed, his fingers digging into my skin. I yelped, and then he released my arm.

“I’m so, so sorry, Ella,” he exclaimed, unlocking his car swiftly as we moved towards a white Mercedes. Wow, Park has some big bucks.

He popped the trunk and grabbed a towel and a plastic grocery bag and wiped off his shirt, handing me the bag. I thanked him and then opened the passenger door.

He pressed the start button and then the ignition roared, making me jump. My eyes felt heavier than anvils and I closed them, but Park’s voice jostled me awake again.

“So, who was that guy who I pounded for you?” he asked, knuckles white on the steering wheel. I sucked in a breath and squirmed in my seat, adjusting my position so the straps on my dress weren’t pressing hard into my shoulders.

I thought about it for a moment. Would he floor the brakes if I told him? Would he turn off the main roads? We sat in silence for about ten minutes and then I sighed.

Well, fuck it.

“Uh, he is…was my boyfriend, Silas.” I said softly, tasting salt and strawberries when I licked my lips.

“Was? Did you guys break up or something?”

“Or something. It was an off-on thing,”

“I see.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it,”

“That’s fine, Ella,”

“Thanks,”

“You don’t have to talk about anything when you’re with me.” He turned into a driveway of a large house and then leaned over his seat, his face merely centimeters away from mine.

I took a shaky breath, wondering what he would do.

“You don’t have to talk about anything at all,” he whispered faintly, closing the space between our mouths.

He tasted like whiskey and spicy mint. I could never stand that. Too spicy.

I closed my eyes and then let everything go.

Anything I had control over faded into the sunset.

I pictured Silas, getting up and staggering out, slowly driving back to our house. Sleeping in a bed half empty.

I almost missed him.

But then, Park led me into his room and I forgot everything.