Picking up the Pieces

***Trigger Warning*** Discusses mental health with a mention of suicide.

She stopped at the door to her office focusing her attention on the poster that she had crafted. One corner had peeled away from the door. The cut out letters were skewed. Like Jo, some of them were coming unglued. 

“It’s alright. You did your best.” She whispered to the letters, or maybe to herself.    

The loyal soldiers were ready to jump off the page to follow her out in protest.She slowly traced them with her finger pressing them back into place as she went. L-E-G- 

“Who are you talking to?” Victor asked.

She startled. She had forgotten about her friend. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?” 

“Oh, yeah.” She said, but reverted back to tracing. A-L-U-

“Jo? What are you...”

“Shh.” N- I-T. When she had finished, she ripped the poster off the door, tore it into pieces, and threw it in the air like confetti.  

“What did that poster ever do to you?” Victor said.

“Nothing…everything.” She waved her hand in dismissal. 

Victor set down the boxes he had been carrying and helped Jo pick up the pieces because, while she would leave the mess for her former boss, she knew it would become the kind janitor’s problem instead. Victor went in search of a trash can. He returned to find Jo staring at the door.

“You can’t Jedi mind trick it into opening.”He said.

“I know.”

“Is an office monster going to attack us? Victor shrugged his shoulders.

“No, of course not.”  She glared at him. His silliness was dismissive at times.

“What are you afraid of?” 

“I’m not afraid.” She huffed.

“Then, why are we still standing here?”

The door was already ajar so Jo pushed it open. She stood in the darkness. Victor came in behind her switching on the light. Jo squinted. Nothing had changed, and yet, everything felt wrong. The clock’s ticking accelerated her heart rate. The candy bowl on the round table caught her eye. Milky Ways, Snickers, Baby Ruths, and Butterfingers crashed to the floor. The plastic dome sheltered a few; the rest lay fallen around.

“Jo!”

Victor’s voice caused her to snap back. They picked up the chocolate in silence setting in on the table. Her former colleagues could keep the rest of the candy, but they’d have to find another dealer. Would they miss her candy bowl chats?

“What now?” Victor said.   

Jo directed him toward the items on the bookshelf while she handled the desk.One of the drawers was her mini pharmacy. She clutched the Tylenol bottle. Her sweaty palms made the child proof cap Jo proof.  She persisted. It ultimately gave way. The temptation to swallow the whole bottle gave her pause. It would be easy with Victor’s back turned. No! She shook her head and choked down only two. If something happened to her, he would blame himself. Her chaser was a couple of Tums. They tasted like chalk with a hint of artificial fruit making her mouth drier.

“Vic?” She coughed.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have any water?” She asked.

“No, sorry. Is there a vending machine around?”

“Probably. Don’t worry about it.” 

Jo continued rummaging through the pharmacy drawer and found a pack of chapstick. Choosing the peppermint one, she breathed it in like she did with the good smelling markers from the 90’s.Then, she applied it to her lips pressing them together. The chapstick had been a gift from her secret Santa, aka her former boss. Her hand hovered over the garbage with the pack, but then she chucked it into a box instead. The chapstick would later sit unused in her briefcase with some old paperwork until a few years later when she would decide it was just chapstick and a not reminder of this day. 

“Vic?” 

“Yes, Jo?”

“It’s stuffy in here. Don’t you think it’s stuffy?”

“I don’t. You can open a window though.” 

Jo fiddled with the window latch. She sneezed. It wouldn’t budge. She sneezed again. Her fingers clawed at the lock trying to pry it open. Her hand slammed down. 

“Easy there, killer.” Victor walked over and put all of his energy into the latch. “I think its rusted shut.”

“It’s too hot in here.” She pulled at the collar of her shirt. Sweat glistened on her forehead.   

“I can pack for you. You can go outside if you want some fresh air.” 

“No. It’s fine.”

“You sure? It could be fun. You might end up with some new office supplies.” He smirked.

She half grinned. “I’m sure. Let’s just get this over.”  

Victor went back to the bookshelf, and she started on another drawer. This one held her personal snack stash and plenty of condiments. The trash can became a basketball net. She pushed it a few feet away, and tossed a ketchup packet. It bounced off the rim. She tried again repeatedly until she was successful. Victor showed her up by tossing a mayo packet from across the room and sinking it. The game may have been a temporary distraction, but the dread returned with the next drawer.     

The pouch with Narcan had been in the third drawer prior to her inhabiting the office.She didn’t touch it. Her former colleagues could have the Narcan. That would stay in the drawer; it might even be expired. Law school did not prepare her for addicted clients. Law school, in fact, hadn’t prepared her for the harsh reality of the legal world either. 

The cupboards above the computer were next. She removed a dollar store happy birthday sign and tossed it onto the round table next to the candy. Jo had made it her mission to celebrate the birthdays of the people in her unit; there were too many in the whole department, otherwise she wouldn’t have excluded anyone.Her former colleagues could keep the sign. Would they miss her made-from-scratch- cupcakes? It’s doubtful they even realized how much time and energy went into baking them. 

Now that the cupboards sat empty, there was only one more thing left to do, and Victor already knew.

“Do you want me to take these down?”

Jo shook her head, but then nodded. They had only hung for five months. She backed up to give him space. Her feet hit the wheels on her chair and she fell into it. 

“You good?”  Victor said.

Jo nodded. 

Victor turned toward the wall.

Pressure built in Jo’s chest as she watched him remove her law license and diploma. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the desk and wiped her eyes. Her heart hammered. It’s not working out. We know we said we’d give you another month. You’re nice but… Her former employer’s words looped in her head. 

Jo stood and the office spun; she had to move. Her fingers tingled. She paced the room. The walls were creeping closer.  “You…asked…before…afraid… Failure. I…failed. What…am…I…do?” 

 She hated her former boss for pretending to be nice. You can work until the end of the month. As if Jo’s pride could handle that. No, she wouldn’t face her former colleagues. She would be gone before they came back on Monday.

“Jo.” Victor said. “Come here.” 

She didn’t hear him. “What…I…do?” 

“Johanna. Breathe.”

“What…do?” 

Victor walked over and threw his arms around her. She jerked away as he pulled her into himself. 

“Let go.” She said. She twisted and squirmed; however, she was no match for him.   

He refused until she settled in his embrace.

“I know it’s scary. You’re safe. I’m right here.” 

She nestled her head into his chest listening to his heart. Its steady rhythm was a metronome guiding hers back to the correct beat. A rush of oxygen and notes of vanilla mixed with sandalwood flooded into her as her breathing became deeper. 

“That’s it. Keep breathing.” He kissed the top of her head. 

Heat radiated from him easing her shakiness. He did not suffocate her, life had done that, but he held her tighter than normal. She clung to him while he rubbed her back. They stood together until she released from him. He steered her back into the chair. Her limbs were heavy. 

He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Just rest.” 

“Okay.” She closed her eyes taking more breaths. “I don’t know what happened.”

“Your body went into overdrive.”   

“Yes, I suppose I short-circuited, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You’ve been through a lot.”

“That’s true.”

“Here, eat some floor candy. The sugar will help.” He unwrapped a Snickers.

She chuckled for a moment, but then settled. “Seriously, thanks.”

“I just gave you your own candy.” He responded.

“You know what I mean.” She said.

“I do.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for some time eating more chocolate.

“Hey, Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“I think it’s time.”

“Well then, let’s get the hell out of here!”