Omelette and Chips

CW: Violence, strong language

Frank will be home in five minutes. Frank will be home in five minutes. Come on Bella, stop wasting time for fuck’s sake. What’s wrong with you? Why does your brain always do this?

Shit, I’ve just wasted twenty seconds arguing with myself. Ok, come on. You’ve got this. Get up. Four minutes and forty seconds.

Air fryer on. Two eggs from the fridge. Frying pan from the cupboard. God I’m tired. The frying pan feels heavy enough to kill someone with. Now there’s an idea.

Mixing bowl. Fork. Bag of frozen chips from the freezer. They’ll never be ready in time now. They’ll only be half cooked. He’s going to be mad at me again. Stupid, incompetent wife. Can’t even get dinner ready on time.

Air fryer pings. Tip unmeasured quantity of chips into air fryer. Set timer for ten minutes. I’m in so much trouble.

Light gas ring. Click. Click. Click. Jesus just light would you. Ok. There. Thank you. Would be easier if my hands weren’t shaking so much.

Put frying pan on gas. Pour olive oil in pan. Shit, too much. Stupid cow.

Bowl from cupboard. Break one egg into bowl. Shit. Piece of shell fell in. Whisk it in or try and fish it out? Clumsy idiot. Drop second egg on floor. Nooooooo. Tear off three sheets of kitchen roll. Scoop up egg mess off floor. Don’t slip Bella, for god’s sake don’t slip. Get replacement egg from fridge. Be more careful this time Bella. God, I’m sweating. Why am I sweating so much? Break second egg into bowl. Shit, shit, shit. More shell. Idiot, idiot, idiot Bella.

Three minutes. Frank will be home in three minutes. I can’t breathe. Yes, you can. Breathe Bella, deep, slow breath. Come on.

Chase pieces of shell around slippery slimy egg white in bowl with fork. Shell is winning. Shell is the one that got away. I should have got away. Fuck it. Stick fingers in bowl. Grab pieces of shell with fingers. Did I wash my hands? Who fucking cares!

Two minutes.

Whisk eggs with fork. Whisk, whisk, whisk. Salt. Salt. God, you nearly forgot the salt. Add pinch of salt. Whisk, whisk, whisk. Put hand over frying pan. Yes, feels hot enough. Tip eggs into frying pan. Ok, good sizzle. Phew. Lean over for wooden spatula. Mix eggs in pan. Wait ten seconds. Mix eggs in pan again. Wait ten seconds. Mix eggs in pan again. Omelette looking good, fluffy, golden. In chip hell. Fold omelette over in half in pan. Turn off gas.

Stare at timer on air fryer. Go faster. Please go faster. Timer still ticks by in standard second long seconds. Bastard air fryer! Don’t open the air fryer drawer Bella. You’ll only slow down the cooking. But maybe these chips will cook quicker. I’ll just check. Fucking anaemic chips.

Thirty seconds. Turn up heat on air fryer. What have you got to lose? Get plate out of kitchen cupboard. Run under hot water to warm it up. Dry it. Get knife and fork out of kitchen drawer. Get ketchup out of fridge. Stare at air fryer. Beg air fryer.

Keys in front door. Front door opening. Footsteps walking down the hallway. Frank is in the kitchen doorway. Big smile for Frank. Put on big smile for your husband.

Hi Bella, I’m home. Mmm, something smells good. Leans in from behind. Kisses me on cheek. Looking over my shoulder to see what’s cooking. Slips both arms round my waist. Like a vice. Don’t flinch, don’t flinch, keep smiling.

Is it ready?

Yep, coming right up. You want to freshen up first? Don’t be over bloody optimistic Bella, why would he want to freshen up? As if he’s just come in from a pigsty. He’s wearing a fifteen hundred pound suit and tie. Looks fresh as a fucking daisy. You’re the pigsty Bella that needs to freshen up.

Nope, just bring it over to the table.

Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir. Right on darling.

Put placemat on table, set knife and fork out on either side of placemat. Like a fortress. Go back for bottle of ketchup. Play for chip time Bella. Walk slower.

Ugghhmm. Is it ready?

Puts ketchup on table. Yes darling. Give him a kiss on cheek. Be sweet Bella. He knows. He knows. Oops, forgot the napkin. Get napkin. Fold it into a triangle. Like geometry will save your life Bella. Put napkin on placemat. He knows.

Go back to kitchen. Walk slower Bella. Fuck omelette is going cold. Tip omelette onto one side of plate. Slowly, slowly, slowly open air fryer draw. Pour chips onto other side of plate. Take one chip with back turned. Try it. Don’t cry Bella. Soggy chip. A little bit warm. Smile Bella, smile.

One cold omelette and soggy chips sir. Enjoy your meal. Please feel free to leave us a review on TripAdvisor.

Here we are darling. Sets plate gently down on placemat. All cordon bleu here. Michelin star around the corner. Not.

And there it is. The look of utter disappointment. His wife has failed again. I wouldn’t bother tucking that napkin into your collar. Run to the kitchen Bella. Don’t watch and wait. Escape now. Hell, run down the street in your slippers and pyjamas and never look back. Run Bella, run.

Bellaaa.

Oh yes, bellow my name why don’t you. Bellaaa. For all the street to hear. Bella with the broken bones. Bella with the bruises.

This omelette is cold. And how the hell do you ruin frozen chips? I bought you the fucking top of the range air fryer.

Frozen chips. Bella more frozen. Don’t move. Don’t speak.

Bella. Frank bangs fist on the table. Fork jumps off the plate like it’s on a trampoline. Fork clatters back down on plate. Bella. Get your fat arse here right now.

Don’t go Bella. Stay in the kitchen Bella. It’ll only make things worse if you don’t go Bella. I’m so sorry, darling, let me heat it up for you again. Will take one minute. Bella walks to retrieve plate of inept food. Hands behind back. Like Michelin star waitress. In slippers and pyjamas.

Frank grabs a fistful of omelette. Frank lobs fistful of omelette at Bella’s face. Frank picks up entire plate. Prepare to launch. Five. Four. Three. Tw…..

Sorry Frank. Bella swings frying pan cleanly at dear husband’s head. Plate clatters to table. Frank’s head lands in the omelette and chips. Best meal Bella has ever made.