The Guilt That Consumes You

Guilt. It looms over you like a shadow. A constant reminder of what you’ve done. A clawing feeling that grows in your stomach, consuming you in every moment. Thinking of all the things you should have said to them. Everything you wish you did to stop them from leaving. Shouting towards nothing in fear of a life without them. The kind of thing that makes you want to do everything and nothing all at once.

Leaves and twigs crunch under my feet as I tread through the graveyard. A light mist engulfs headstones of various heights, the dark grey sky overlooks the resting place of the dead, while a biting chill looms in the air. Near the edge of the cemetery lay the one I wronged. Who I claimed to love, yet in a time of desperation, I did nothing to protect.

I push forward towards the marked stone, I feel a twisting I my gut. His carved name sending shivers down my spine. The freshly dug grave was dark next to the yellowing grass, standing so close causes tremors to rake through my hands. My heart hammers in my chest, only serving as a cruel reminder that I’m here and he isn’t.

Jason, he was my closest companion; my brother. There’s so much he could have- should have done. Fond memories dance across my vision, bringing fresh hot tears to my eyes. They burn my bitterly cold face like acid. Echoes of his welcoming voice ring in my mind. Looking around and finding nothing fills me with profound heartbreak. We have been inseparable since we were young, making any excuse we could think of to stick together.

We’re in the library, he’s sat in a plush, red chair reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ while I sketch. We’re surrounded by dusty books that he cares for so much. The warm glow of a table lamp illuminates the room, shadows fall around us, while I admire his passion for literature. Tears are falling uncontrollably now as I smile blearily at the scene that’s passed. Simple as it was, that day was one I treasure dearly. But now, after everything, thoughts of him are like thornes corrupted by the world as they pierce my soul.

 I suddenly remember the bundle of hyacinths in my still trembling hands, placing them carefully at the base of the headstone. They had always been his favourite; the story behind them fascinated him. Ironic, a tragic ending to both stories. His eyes would hold a bright fire when he spoke, flickering and warm, fuelled only by knowledge.

All the words I’ve been meaning to say burn in my throat, a sorrowful whisper falls from my cracked lips “I’m so sorry Jay.” I should’ve picked up the phone. I could’ve done something to help. He was right there, but I ignored him. I had no reason to be angry with him then. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” I continue with a choked sob. The wrenching pain in my chest intensifies, yearning to see his joyful smile and hear his contagious laughter once more. He shined like the sun in everything he did. Bringing mirth wherever he went, and I’m the one who let him die.

I collapse to my knees, unable to bare the growing weight in my heart. Pitiful sobs echo into the night as I rest my head on his headstone. I can almost feel him, gripping onto him like a lifeline. I’ve never been one to hold on so tight, but I can’t let him go. I would lose him forever and a piece of me would go with him, the piece that gives me life. I fear what the future will be without the light that burns away the shadows, that brings hope when the darkness draws in.

“I wish I had been there for you Jay.” I heave out between cries. Words won’t fix this, they won’t bring him back. My breathing has gotten quicker. I can feel all the pitying looks I get from everyone, even now as I’m alone. They act as if I’m not the one responsible for this. It getting hard to breathe. I begin punching the ground in sudden anger, why did it have to be him. It should have been me.

“It’s okay.” A soft voice murmurs, pulling me from the depths of my mind. I look up, not expecting anyone to be here. What I find steals the remaining air from my lungs. Jason. He’s stood towering above me, bleary but there.

“W-what?” I stammer breathlessly. “But you-“

“It’s okay.” He repeated soothingly. He’s really here. I barely register the sun rising behind him as I try to figure out how he’s here, but does it matter. I can say what I’ve been needing to tell him.

“I’m sorry Jay, I should have picked up the phone.” I confess teary eyed. He won’t forgive me. I know he won’t. He lost his only chance at life because I was selfishly stubborn.

“It’s okay.” He repeated softly, and I suppose that’s all I ever really needed to hear. It’s something that brings peace to anyone. Breathing becomes a little easier.

After thinking I could cry no more, wet droplets fall down my cheeks. Not fully from the endless pain of grief but also from the few word of hope and unrelenting love that shines a light on the road I must travel, to eventually come to terms with the guilt that suffocates my very being.

The weight in my heart lifts ever so slightly.

My eyes grow heavy, blinking at the fading form of my best friend. I open my eyes and he’s gone, no trace of him standing there, except the thornes piercing my heart and soul begin to recede. In the next blink I’m drifting into the soothing blanket of sleep, dreaming of all the time I’d spent with Jason. Smiling hopefully at the phantom pressure of a hug,and the air doesn’t feel so cold anymore.