Something Blue

I moved to California for a change. I grew up in Provo, Utah, and I was just a typical Mormon boy who went to church and followed the rules. The secret that I kept in my head was that I didn’t believe in any of it. None of the rules made sense to me, and the idea of God didn’t even connect. I love my family, and I wanted to make them proud, but after my mission and graduating from BYU, the desire wore off. I wanted my own life free from restrictions. I wanted to be able to move freely without being under my parents' microscope.

I was able to find a job as a data scientist that paid pretty well. I found a nice apartment in the suburbs. I had traveled to cities, thinking that would be the way out of Mormonism, but it was too much for me. I like to stay home, work out, cook, read a little, and be with my dog. I really enjoy the simple life, but I hate that every choice I make feels monitored and judged. I’m human, and I make mistakes. I don’t think I should repent for every little thing I do.

It took a while to get adjusted, living by myself and being outside of Utah and the church. I told my mom I found a local church and that I attended regularly (I didn’t attend at all). It was pretty lonely, but I became used to it.

One day after work, a few colleagues asked me if I wanted to go to happy hour. I had never drank before but I thought it was the perfect opportunity to close the gap in loneliness. That is when I saw her.

Dark brown mousey hair, wide brown eyes, minimal makeup, and fit. She’s stunning, and the first girl I've really taken notice of since moving. I had dated some girls, not much, but the pressure of marriage was way too big for me. I don’t think that is something I ever desired.

I must admit I was staring at her. I was in awe, and I never really felt that way about anyone. She locked eyes with me, and I gave her a slight smirk. I knew I had to talk to her, but I decided to have a few shots with my coworkers first. Awful, but when you get the right technique, it’s not too bad.

The liquid gave me the courage to talk to her. When I went up to her, she was standing at the bar with a friend. She locked eyes with me again, amused. I leaned close to her ear and said

“Can I buy you a drink?”

She leaned in close to my ear and touched my waist

“Only if you buy my friend a drink too.”

“I think I could do that.”

She smiled and said

“I’ll have an espresso martini, and my friend is a lemon drop type of girl.”

I smiled back and said

“Noted by the way, what is your name?”

“Amelia and you?”

“William”

I reached for her hand, and she grasped mine firmly. I had barely known her, but every time she touched me, it sent shock waves through my body.

I ordered their drinks, and Amelia pulled me outside so we could hear each other better.

“So, William, what made you want to buy me a drink?”

“I think you are really beautiful.”

“Straight to the point, I like it.”

“What brings you here tonight?”

“Just a few of my girlfriends were getting together for happy hour. What about you?”

“Same, but I decided to go out with a few coworkers. I’m new to California.”

“Where are you from?”

“Utah, born and raised.”

“Does this mean you are……”

“Mormon, yes, but I wouldn’t say I’m practicing anymore.”

“I did see you take a few shots.”

“So you were watching me?”

She laughed, and I really took her in at that moment. I loved how she threw her head back and had her mouth wide open; she was filled with life.

“Maybe a little. You are not quite bad-looking yourself.”

I locked eyes with her, and I wanted to kiss her badly. I was a little drunk, so I went for it, but she turned and gave me her cheek.

“Not too fast, cowboy. I like to be taken out before I let someone kiss me.”

“Let me take you out then?”

“Why? You don’t even know me.”

“I’m trying to get to know you.”

“Are you real?”

I laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“I just never met a guy who was this straightforward, I guess.”

“I just don’t have any game, unfortunately.”

She laughed and touched my shoulder. I thought I would melt. She gave me her number, and I promised to text her and set up a date.

I texted her the very next morning. We set up a date that night at a local Italian restaurant, which she said she really loved. I was a bit anxious; it had been a while since I went on a date. This would also be my first date with a woman who wasn’t Mormon; this fact added another layer of anxiety.

I went straight home after work and got ready as fast as I could. I didn’t want to be late, and I tended to take my time. I also couldn’t wait to see her again.

I was about 15 minutes early, but I made sure to grab a table near the soft-jazz pianist.

She came right on time, wearing a light blue silk slip dress that hugged her figure. Her hair was down, kissing her bare shoulders. Her cheeks were slightly rosy, and her lips were glossy pink.

“Wow, you look so beautiful,” I told her.

She smiled at me and said

“It looks like you got the best spot in the whole place.”

“I had a feeling you would like it.”

We dove into all the small talk you do when you first get to know a person: what you do, your hobbies, whether you have siblings, where you went to college, and so on.

She owned a small business. She had her own skincare line, and she really built it from the ground up. She went to college at UCSD for business. She had two sisters whom she wasn’t very close to. She liked doing Pilates and hiking (a real big fan of nature). I was really captivated by her. I never met a girl like her, independent and vivacious.

“So what are you looking for, William?”

“I can’t lie, I don’t think I really thought about it. What about you?”

“It’s hard for me to know, but I have had a string of bad relationships, and I’m not looking to repeat that. Why do you think your relationships failed before?”

“Umm, I’m not going to lie, I’m not that experienced. I have dated girls before, but I think I get too scared. Dating always came with the expectation of marriage, and I think that is a very big commitment, and I’m still very young to know a person is who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“Do you want to get married?”

“I’m not against it, but I don’t think I want kids.”

“Why not?”

“I guess I don’t really want anything tying me down.”

“So you don’t want to get married?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, I do see myself getting married one day. Do you want kids?”

“This is a lot for a first date?”

“I’m ready to take the dive, if you are?”

Our relationship took off on the ground running. It didn’t take long for her to be spending the night at my apartment (she lived only five minutes away from me) for the majority of the week. We went out on the weekends. She always planned these extravagant California tourist tours for me. We spent every night holding hands, walking my dogs, and watching the sunset. I didn’t understand how I got so lucky.

Five months into our relationship, her lease was up. I suggested she should move into my apartment because she was already there most of the time. The transition felt easy at first. I love that she opened the doors to let fresh air in and the windows as soon as the sun came up. I love the little knick-knacks she would get for holidays. She would bring fresh flowers from the farmers' market every Thursday. The months flew by, and there was a shift that I couldn’t explain or didn’t see coming.

My mom called me one day to tell me she was coming from Utah to visit. I was happy because it had been over a year since I had seen my mom in person, but I never told her about Amelia. She would not approve of her, and she wouldn’t approve of us living together. I had to make a hard decision.

“Hey, Amelia. I need to ask you a favor?”

“What do you need, babe?”

“I was wondering if, for a couple of days, you could stay with a friend?”

I could see the happiness leave her face.

“Why? Why would you ask me to leave our apartment?”

“I just need two days, Amelia.”

“Be upfront, William, what is going on?”

I took a deep breath. I knew this was going to be bad.

“My mom is coming for a short visit.”

“Why wouldn’t you introduce me to your mom?”

“Amelia…. I want to avoid problems.”

“What problems? You make it seem like you aren’t close to your family.”

“I’m not, but they still mean something to me. Amelia, maybe I haven’t been so forthcoming about my family, but I know my mom wouldn’t approve of you.”

“So your solution is to hide me?”

“Please do not look at it like that?”

“How else am I supposed to take it?”

“I love you, and I’m with you, Amelia.”

“William, will you ever marry me?”’

I became silent. It’s the first time the thought of marrying Amelia crossed my mind. I was enjoying being with her. It felt like enough.

Amelia started to cry. She managed to mumble out

“Was this all for nothing?”

“Amelia, please.”

“No. I want to get married. I want to have kids, and you know, maybe it’s on me to think I could change your mind, but you won’t even introduce me to your mother! We have been together over a year and live together, but you have been keeping me a secret.”

“It is not that simple.”

“Seems pretty cut and dry to me, William. I don’t know why I am wasting my time anymore.”

She let me waste a few more months. I tried to win her back, but I could see the days pass by, and the love she had for me was dying. We started to sleep in different rooms. We started taking walks alone. We stopped going on dates. It felt like we avoided each other in the apartment. I knew what would make it better. I could lie and say I would marry Amelia and maybe string her along for a couple of years, if I’m lucky. I would rather be honest, I felt she deserved that much.

One day, I came to the apartment, and she had taken all her things: her clothes, shoes, toothbrush, the little decorations, the crisp white sheets, the plates she had painted, and everything that had her essence. She was gone.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I knew this moment was coming, but I didn’t know she could be so cruel.

She left me a note on the bed with my name printed on it. I opened the folds, and not much was written on them.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore, and I can’t face you. I hope you find what you are looking for, William.”

I clutched the note into my chest, wondering if it was all worth it.