The Ultimate Result of Continual Control.

The Ultimate Result of Continual Control.

Jodie shared a unit with Helen, her daughter who had just celebrated her seventeenth birthday with a group of friends at the local club. Helen had enrolled at TAFE in a Certificate 1V hairdressing course which would qualify her to apply for work in a local salon. She had always been interested in hair styles and beauty therapy, and the career would provide satisfaction, creativity and independence. She would be able to rent a unit and save money to buy a car. Her life would dramatically change from the constant control she was living with.

Jodie could not accept the fact that Helen was entitled to make her own decisions and be free to go out without being constantly monitored. Her past experiences had resulted in an anxious need to ensure that her daughter was safe. Jodie loved her daughter and wanted the best for her, but this had created the belief that she couldn’t give Helen space to move on with her life. Regular conversations and mealtimes were not enough. Jodie needed a constant connection and Helen wanted to end the stressful relationship with her mother after the worst traumatic day.

Helen had arranged to go to the movies in the afternoon with her friends. They all loved watching comedies and talking about their favourite characters and scenes on the way home. Jodie listened to her conversation on the phone, and after the call ended, she told Helen that she didn’t want her driving from then on. She could use public transport because driving on the busy streets was dangerous, and she always worried when Helen drove her car. She was very determined to set this rule for her daughter, and Helen told her mother that she was an adult who was entitled to make her own decisions. She walked away feeling very upset about the way her mother had laid down rules, and she wondered why this had happened.

A challenging time in the past had stayed with Jodie, and it was affecting the way she was thinking and acting in the present. She returned from work one day and found Craig, her husband, lying unconscious on the floor. He had had a heart attack, and she immediately called the paramedics but by the time they arrived Craig had passed away. The paramedics told Jodie that a heart attack would have precipitated cardiac arrest and when she heard this, she thought that if she had been with Craig she may have been able to save him. She felt very guilty that she had been getting satisfaction from her work and interacting positively with her co workers when she should have been supporting her husband. She promised herself that this would never happen again and she would always be there for her daughter. The loss of her husband and the guilt she felt stayed with her as Helen grew up and the result was an overwhelming attachment. Jodie wanted to stay in total control after the trauma she had experienced.

The control over Helen had increased over the years. Her mother had continually criticised her friends and she was reluctant to invite them to her home for a visit. When she was told not to drive again, she knew her life was falling apart and she decided it was time to move out. Helen had a part time job in a Convenience store in town, but she was not earning enough money to get a loan and buy a unit. She was feeling discouraged until a friend invited her to move in with her and her house mate. Helen immediately accepted the offer, and she told her mother that she was moving out the next day. Jodie looked at her daughter in disbelief and asked her how she could do this. The trauma of Craig’s death was coming back as she was about to lose another family member. She started to remind Helen of the risks she was putting herself through and her daughter walked away knowing that this was the end of the relationship and the chance to move forward and get her life back on track. She packed her belongings, went to bed looking forward to the next day when she would move in with her close friend.

Early the next morning Helen packed the car and drove to Alison’s unit. Her friend greeted her at the door and helped her bring her bags into her unit and she showed Helen the spare room which would be her bedroom. The unit was relaxing with contemporary furniture and pictures on every wall. Helen felt very happy and she knew immediately that she had made the right decision. She met the other resident, and they had a friendly conversation. Helen felt totally at home, which she hadn’t felt for a long time, and she knew that she could leave the past behind and move forward. She could now go out with her friends, complete her TAFE course, apply for a position in a salon and perhaps one day meet the right person who would become her life partner and share her dream of having children. She put her controlling Mother out of her mind and made the decision never to see her again.

Jodie was totally devastated at losing her daughter and she got up every morning, facing a lonely day with nothing to look forward to. Her overpowering need to control everything led her to conflicting interactions with other customers in the supermarket when she went to buy her groceries. On one occasion, the Manager came to confront her when she had threatened a checkout worker. He told her she would be banned from entering the store if it happened again. She left the supermarket realizing for the first time that she needed help. She found a counsellor who could help her with control issues and after continual counselling she was able to gradually stop needing to control people. Jodie was now able to interact with the people she met, and she volunteered to work in a Community Centre supporting clients living with negative issues. Her aim was to reconcile with Helen and say, “I’m Sorry”.