Five Poached Quail Eggs

Jester Dagonet was cartwheeling around in Little Plump Jo’s dreams again. Maybe she had eaten too much of that rich Christmas fare just before bedtime!

“If you thought choc and cheese were sure to please

And give you dreamings such as these” he sang

“Wait, wait! Let me put a pawprint right there. You need a citation for that!” Now Intellectual Dabrowski, Little Plump Jo’s canine writing companion had also forced his way into the dream. He was insisting, as he always did, that Jo, in her position as Artisan in Residence at Malory Tennyson’s Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies, should be particular about acknowledging citations and providing footnotes and references.

“Shut up, Intellectual! Let me sleep” mumbled Jo, trying to reset the dream but also vaguely wondering whether a citation was needed.

“Yes. The Jester’s Tale: Reedsy Prompts Contest #299” quoted Intellectual.

“Very well, Intellectual. That will do. Please continue, Dagonet.”

“If you thought choc and cheese were sure to please

And give you dreamings such as these

Then what sort of dreams

Come from Christmas fare creams

And coffees and mushrooms and fat grease?”

“Yuk, Dagonet! You are making me regret my supper, which I really enjoyed at the time.”

“We have a tradition here in Camelot that everyone needs to put in their orders for their seasonal fare in advance and they have to sing for their supper literally. Do you want to hear about it?”

“I don’t know. Do I?”

“And a one and a two and a here we go .

Now it’s time to place your order Fa la la la la, la la la la

For your festive fare for dinner Fa la la la la, la la la la

Strike the harp and join the chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la

Add your order but don’t bore us Fa la la la la, la la la la”

“Our first round of orders will be taken to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Feel free to place your order when you see the appropriate verse. Who wants to begin? Who wants twelve of something related to drummers drumming?”

“I claim the right to first choice. It is my birthright as King Arthur’s…”

“What do you want to order Mordred? Order Mordred – nice. I’ll save that one for later.”

“I want twelve ostrich drumsticks.”

“Objection pending research into the Anachronism Clause. Surely they would not have had ostriches in Camelot” yelped Intellectual Dabrowski.

“Sit, Intellectual!” Little Plump Jo called, following it with the Be Quiet hand signal. She must have really made the hand signal, because the blanket was now askew and her hand and arm were cold. She really needed to steer this dream into a better path.

Sir Gawain spoke up next “I claim the eleven piped in haggis”

“Who wants something to do with ten lords a-leaping? No takers? Moving right on.

Nine ladies dancing?” There were several cat calls about taking the nine ladies with any sort of meal and also similar offers for the eight maids a-milking.

“Seven swans a-swimming next. Of course only His Majesty is allowed to hunt the royal swans; but it seems like something Lady Elaine might have an interest in. Why, you ask! Lady Elaine is known for floating down to Camelot gracefully like a swan.”

“Not any more, she don’t!” That was one of the Tavern folk. How many more characters were going to push into this dream? “Our Elaine is now Lady Charlotte-Elaine from Charlotte’s Web Weaving, she is! No more love unrequited floating for her.”

“Do you want anything from the Seven Swans menu, Lady Elaine?”

“No thank you. I am reserving my bid for the five…”

“Six geese a-laying, then. One for the vegetarians. How about you, Galahad?”

“No, I am Vegan”

Galahad? He has not even appeared in my telling of the story yet, thought Little Plump Jo. Though Sir Lancelot and the Other Lady Elaine (Princess Elaine of Corbenic) did have a dot, dot, dot moment, she considered. Oh well, this was just a dream; and dreams did not have to make sense or be true to times and places.

“Yeah, he is a weirdo from Vega!” called out someone.

“Now for the plum offering - five go-old rin…”

“Ooh, ooh, Me, Me” called the character that Little Plump Jo thought of as Our Elaine. She had refused to enact the role of Elaine the Fair, Elaine the Lovely, the Lily Maid of Astolat. She had refused to nurse Sir Lancelot du Lac for months on end, fall in love with him and die of unrequited love. She had refused to float down to Camelot in a barge (for the purpose of this dream the barge was now being drawn by seven swans a-swimming). She was now Lady Charlotte-Elaine, the Lady of Shalott and entrepreneur owner of Charlotte’s Web Weaving. But she had still not completely given up hope of being loved by Sir Lancelot. “I want the five go-old rings!”

“Remember this is to be a food order” cautioned Jester Dagonet.

“Yes. I want the five go-old rings to be used as egg-rings for five poached quail eggs. I want the eggs presented still in their rings with a garnishing of candied flowers. And I want the meal to be delivered to me by Sir Lancelot du Lac.”

“Is that agreeable to you, Sir Lancelot?”

“Why not? She will not be getting any of my nine tournament trophy diamonds.”

“And what meal would you like to order? We are up to four calling birds or collie birds or cauliflower birds or whatever now.”

“Non, four cauliflowers would cause too much flatulence. And do not give me cooked coriander, which smells and tastes like squashed bugs or soap, and makes me gag even at the thought. I know the Hermit of the Forest Aforementioned and Lady Elaine had good intentions of building up my blood when they nursed me but…”

“Three French hens, then. Is that more to your liking?”

“Oui, I will take three French hens.”

“Two turtle doves?”

“I will take two turtle doves, please. I am on a strict diet at the moment, so I will take the two turtle doves in a gilded cage and supply my own meal.

“Thank you Your Majesty, Queen Guinevere.

And now the final offering A Partridge in a Pear Tree.”

I am going to wake up NOW – in three, two, one, NOW dreamed Little Plump Jo.