Written From Dr. Frankenstupid's Log

Written From Dr. Frankenstupid's Log

Hie. My name is Dr. Frankenstupid. I'm a mad scientist. The thing that makes me mad is all my failures in life. There's an old saying which states we learn more from our failures then all our successes. Well, if that's the case, I must be the smartest creature ever born. I'm also a good Christian and have baptized in the Holly Ghost which means I can speak in tongues as the Spirit gives me utterance like it says in the book of Acts in the Bible. Once day while eating dinner with some Indian friends, I accidentally stuck a fork into my tongue and cut it pretty badly. Ever since then several Indians have said about me, "White man speak with heap big, 'forked-tongue.' Must keep papoose away. Him no see pail-face makeum, as ghost say, "stupid, 'boo-boo.' Pale-face, 'Nave-hoe' garden or wear, 'A-patchies' on clothes but chief, 'Siox' for selling secrets to makeum, 'Chair-a-key' to lock and keep from being stolen so squaw and papoose grow up. Also, 'Crow-a-tan' no work for squaw unless be in sun for, 'Crow' be- 'caws,' that sound make while sewing, 'A-patchy' on clothes."

While in my laboratory last week, since people have figured out how to successfully perform a heart-transplant, I was working on the first ever brain-transplant. My 6 greats-grandfather was Dr. Frankenstein who was also a world-famous brain surgeon. Some people think that was just based on some silly story written by Merry Shelly, but it was that story which intrigued me to become a great world-famous brain surgeon and discover more about how to make the 85 percent of our brain we don't use begin to work for us. Yet I've been told by some geniuses that when God handed out brains, I thought He said, "rains" and ran for cover. Other people have told me I thought He said, "trains" and missed mine altogether. A few specialists have even told me I thought He said, "planes" and was too concerned about His, "fly" being down then what went between my ears. Yet another theory is that He put my brains in with a teaspoon and somebody jiggled His hand. Regardless, there is just one word to say about that, it's iiwii, which is the acronym for, "it is what it is." Regardless, it's still my job to, "doct" all the people who come to visit me back to health. The worst thing a doctor can do is get upset because that would mean he would lose his, "patience." They should have some idea about what they're doing because they've spent at least 8 years learning how to, "doct" people to health, since that is what doctors are supposed to do. Several people have called me, "a mad doctor." What really makes me mad is when they call me a, "duck-doctor," or in other words a, "quack."

Because I'm the first person in history to ever successfully perform putting an entirely different brain into somebody's skull, it makes me feel pumped so I won't tire out. I will not even, "re-tire" one on a car since I'm so, "pumped" like that. I will never ride a bicycle to my office since it wold make me be, "2-tired" to perform any kind of surgeries.

After every operation I perform, I must stitch up the patient. Some people have called me an old, "sew and what I will reap I, "sew." Still others have called me an old, "sew-and-sew" because of that. All the villagers are constantly trying to burn my laboratory down which really, "burns me up," literally speaking. While many people think I've been creating a monster, it's quite insulting because only the Man Upstairs can do that, but I want to disprove that theory by making a man come to life by using body-parts from corpses which is not like grave-robbing because nobody will ever use those bodies, for crying out loud. "Body" is even what I put into my creation's and my own hair. The only trick is to have a rabbit's foot for good-luck, although I don't know how much truth there is that because it definitely wasn't all that lucky for the poor rabbit. That aught to give them a good reason to stop by the beauty-parlor and buy some beauty or get a, "hare-cut."

Many of the villagers don't approve of my particular line of work so they come to try and burn my laboratory down. That wouldn't be quite so bad if they'd at least bring along some marshmallows. Yet they seam to think that will give them cause to, "fire" me from my job.

Because Merry Shelly wrote the book on The Book Of Life, I'd really love to, "merry" her to make her name become more fitting. Then we could move to Myrtle Beech, South Carolina so our loves wouldn't be nearly as much a, "beach." We would have a fantastic time collecting sea-shells and playing on the sand to find dollars, such as, "sand-dollars." Hopefully when I, "pop-it" she'll give me an affirmative answer to that question, like a mule to a plow, we'll be, "hitched." At any rate, it certainly would be some mega-coolness to, "merry Shelley."

Putting the body together was quite easy. All I had to do was take the best parts from every successful person that was available. I took the hands of Victor Van Betovan, the arms of the strongest man in the world, the voice of Frank Sanotra, the heart of Merry Lou Rettain and the musical ability of Roy Clark then put them all together to make the perfect man then I put in the brain of Albert Einstein to make the closest thing to a perfect man who's ever walked on this planet. The hole idea was pure genius. It was foolproof to any other kind of fool.

The problem was my assistant, Igor, who was not exactly what can be considered, "smart" in the sense of the word, (actually, his i. q. was p. u., if that tells you anything), instead gave me the brain of an unknown girl named Abby somebody. Actually, I think her name was Abby Normal. When the monster opened his eyes and sat up, he hopped up so quickly I just missed grabbing him by a, "hare." The monster thought he was being rather cute, but there's nothing that can be said about working with, "a funny-bunny." That man, whom I had given the name of Frank, which was short for another attempt my great, great, great, great grandfather, Dr. Frankenstein Senior had done. The so-called, "monster," as some so graphically called him, went haywire and the rest is typical for what happens to your average, every day, typical, run-of-the-mills monster. That was people tried to shoot him, but the bullets just made him madder which caused him to run around smashing cars and trucks as they drove down the road.

Of course, like in the movies, the so-called, "monster" eventually picked up a little 8 year-old girl named Suzy, and carried her to the top of a building. He was at least smart enough to know nobody would try to shoot him while he was carrying he in his arms. He then took her to the top of of the Mount Zion Pentecostal Hollyness Church which has a really tall steeple. The little girl, named Suzy, who squealing and laughing with delight, thought the monster who was carrying her was the coolest thing since air conditioning. He swung her around and threw her up in the air then caught her while she roared with laughter and applause. That made the monster laugh, which was actually quite funny to hear. Later he changed to throwing her up in the air and then catching her between his legs and over his back. Her mamma knew she didn't make friends easy, was happy that she had at least found one anyway, although wasn't too pleased with her choice of friends.

By then, helicopters had shown up, all set to blast him from the air while the Army had sent in tanks to get him from the ground. The only thing that was protecting the monster the little girl in his arms, who'd gotten to be on a first-name basis with the so-called, "monster" who was making her have the time of her life. She laughed so hard that tears rolled down her face. The same could be said for her mamma, only for slightly different reason. Yet since she didn't appear to be in any real danger yet, all those service men were waiting for their best moment to fire at him. Choppers were even circling over him by then.

Eventually the monster did put the little girl down, who's name was Amy-Joe because he had an itch that needed a scratch. When that accured, the general who was in charge of all the military troops yelled, "Fire!" That's when all of them commenced to shooting and bombing the poor so-called, "monster," who had never done anything wrong, wile Amy-Joe screamed at the top of her lungs for them not to shoot him. Then she ran and jumped into the so-called, "monster's" arms. Yet by then he was so full of bombs and bullets he was in great pain, and staggering aroung. Then he fell to the ground. Everybody cheered except Amy Joe who was absolutely irate. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "You idiots! Now you've just killed my friend! He was much more of a friend than any of you will ever be! I hate you all! If you'd just listened to me we could have all been happy! But no!"

Then she berried her face in her hands and wept bitterly, refusing to be comforted by any of the military men who kept saying, "I'm sorry."

Amy Joe yelled, "Oh, yeah? well, 'sorry' can't help my friend! He was a lot more human then you vultures will ever be! I'll always hate you!"

Even Dr. F. wanted nothing to do with any of those so-called, "protectors-of-life" who'd murdered that nice thing called, "a monster."

Amy Joe wouldn't stop crying. She wasn't hungry at dinner-time because she was still weeping bitterly over the loss of her buddy.

That night, Amy-Joe felt she should pray, but was so mad she couldn't. She finally managed to blurt out, "God, if You're there, please make that nice, uh, man, I guess You could call him, back to life. Ms. Jones, my Sunday school teacher said, 'You can do anything if we have faith.' I believe in You. Please bring my friend back to me, God. Please."

She'd never prayed for anything before in her life. That was because she didn't have any needs until that point. She knew that request was impossible, but she'd prayed with faith, believing in God's promises.

The next day Amy Joe woke up, still angry at those men for killing her friend, but the more she thought about it, she realized they were only doing what their boss told them. Since it was Saturday, she went outside to see her friend, Tabatha across the street. Yet as she opened the door, she was shocked at the sight in front of her. There, standing with his hands outstretched to her was the so-called, "monster" who she'd had such a fun time with before those vultures killed him. She opened her mouth to say, "Hay," but her tongue wouldn't work because the muscles that controlled it were frozen. All she could do was extend her arms in a huge bear-hug. The so-called, "monster" didn't know what she wanted. She had to grab his arms and put them around her. The she did likewise. But how? She saw all those Army and Air Force men riddle him with bullets and bombs. There was no way he could be alive. Then it hit her, (an idea, not the monster). Her prayers had been heard and answered by a Higher Power. It was cool.

Years later Amy-Joe grew up to be a Pentecostal pastor. Because she had such an awesome testimony, her Church had to keep adding on. It eventually become the largest Evangelical Church in all of Virginia. Then the United States, and later, the world. It all happened because of one little girl's effective furtherance prayers which availeth much. She eventually became the greatest female pastor in history.

That's when she met a guy in the Church who tickled her fancy. After dating a while, he, "popped-it." Of course, she said, "Yeah!" They were married. The next year she gave birth to a junior Pentecostal pastor. So like the best-written stories of all-time will finish with,

"THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!!"

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The end. By, Cuz Roye.