Party Like It's 1657 BC

Party Like It’s 1657 BC

“A Little Party Never Killed Nobody.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Great Gatsby

(Crude humor and language; possibly offensive, satirical treatment of Biblical characters) “How many goats did you lose today, Isaac?”

“Shut up, Ishmael. Why don’t you go play in the dirt, farm-boy?”

Sibling rivalry. “Brotherly Love” didn’t get off to a good start in the Garden of Eden, and it hadn’t improved much by the time Abraham was begettin’ his children. Later-day child psychologists would suggest that an overly strict upbringing can generate enough stress to make for an unhappy family. Such was the environment for Isaac and Ishmael as they suffered under the puritanical reign of their father.

“Isaac and Ishmal, we’ll work another couple of more hours, and then we’ll honor the Lord until sundown.”

“Isaac, bring a couple of goats back tonight so we can sacrifice them while we honor the Lord.”

“Tomorrow, no work. We will have the whole day to honor the Lord.”

There wasn’t much room in the Abraham household for things young men liked to do, and the boys were close to rebelling. The last straw was their father’s ill-conceived attempt at pulling off a gag by pretending he was going to sacrifice Isaac.

“Not funny, Dad.”

The boys were ripe for a change.

“This is a pretty boring life, Ishmael.”

“Tell me about it, Isaac.”

“Have you talked to our cousin Lot lately?”

“No.”

“Well, you know he lives over in Sodom, and he says that place is rockin’. What do you say we sneak out tonight and pay him a visit? He says he’ll show us a real good time.”

“What do they do there? Do they like do sins and stuff?”

“I guess.”

“There’s no harm in having a little fun. Let’s check it out.”

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Lot was the hub of Sodom’s wild and crazy social circle. He set the mark for those who came after- Jay Gatsby, Steve Stifler, and Bluto Blutarsky. It was remarkable that he hadn’t contracted a myriad of STDs or that his liver hadn’t given out by this time. It was a miracle that he was able to maintain the façade of being a good man in the eyes of his family, especially his Uncle Abraham.

“Isaac, why can’t you be more like Lot. He’s such a good boy.”

“Ishmael, the turnips in your cousin Lot’s field look a lot better than yours.”

The boys knew who Lot was, and they had harbored great bitterness toward their cousin for years, but the lure of a good time pushed those feelings aside. After their monastic upbringing, they would have danced with the devil to bring a little fun into their lives.

“Isaac! Ishmael! How are they hangin’?”

“Good to see you, Lot.”

“Good to see you too, Ishmael. Your dad told me how your turnip crop really sucked the big one this year. Bummer.”

The ill feelings quickly returned. Lot was even more obnoxious than they remembered.

“Holy shit, Isaac, you’ve put on a few pounds! You look like you ate a whole fattened calf yourself. Put on a few more pounds, and you won’t be able to see your wiener. Ha, ha, ha.”

“Nice to see you too, Lot.”

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If fun was what you were after, Sodom was the place, and Lot would be your tour guide.

“What do you boys like to drink? Wine or beer?”

“Uh… we never drank before, Lot.”

Lot shook his head in disbelief.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Isaac. Ok then, we’ll start you off with beer and then transition to the hard stuff. And, how about women? Full body, on the slender side, or what? I can get you whatever you want.”

“Uh… we’ve never been with a woman, Lot.”

“What? What a couple of losers. That is the greatest pleasure of the Creation. What is wrong with you guys?”

“Well, we didn’t want to commit sins, Lot.”

“And the drinking, isn’t that a sin too?”

“You’ve got a lot to learn. If God didn’t want us to drink, He wouldn’t have given us grapes and barley. And if He didn’t want us relieving our manly urges with boatloads of women, why did he put them here?”

“He’s got a point there, Isaac.”

“I guess, Ishmael.”

“We’ll start at Hoofa’s. It’s Ladies Night. The women get their drinks half-price, so they get pretty frisky. That place is nuts on a Friday night.”

Lot introduced Isaac and Ishmael to sin number one.

“Hoofa, these are my cousins, Isaac and Ishmael. They are new to the wonderful world of mind-numbing drunkenness. Put their drinks on my tab.”

“Nice to meet you fellas. I’ll get them some of my special stock, Lot. They’ll be good and drunk in no time.”

“Thanks, Hoofa.”

And then for the mother of all sins.

“Delilah, these are my cousins, Isaac and Ishmael. They’ve never been with a woman before.”

“What? You can’t be serious.”

“I’m afraid I am. Could you see that they are taken care of?”

“I’ll be gentle.”

Wine, women, and song followed by more wine, more women, and garbled song. Isaac and Ishmael, unaccustomed to the wild life, were wasted and passed out by midnight. They awakened to a new kind of day.

“Oh, my goodness, Isaac, where are we?”

“I don’t know, Ishmael, but I think that was the greatest night of my life.”

“How many sins do you think we committed last night, Isaac?”

“I stopped counting at thirty-seven.”

“Do you think we offended God?”

“No, I don’t think so. It’s like Lot said. Why would God put stuff here if He didn’t want us to use it?”

“Oh-oh.”

“What?”

“We’re not at home. The sun’s up, and Abraham will be looking for us for morning worship.”

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“Sarah! Where are those boys?! It’s time to honor the Lord, and I can’t find them.”

“They went to Sodom to visit Lot.”

“Sodom?! I’ve been hearing some bad things about that place… lots of sinning going on. At least they’ll be with Lot. He’ll keep them on the straight and narrow. Lot is a good man.”

“Here they come now, Abraham.”

Isaac and Ishmael were stumbling along the dirt road leading to Abraham’s massive tent.

“Ishmael, your robe is on backwards.”

“Crap. Isaac, where are your sandals? And you’ve got a lampshade on your head.”

“Crap. There he is now. Let me do the talking.”

Abraham was always in a foul mood, so it was hard for the boys to tell if their tardy arrival vexed him.

“Where have you been? We should already be honoring the Lord!”

“It was Lot, Dad. A cow stepped on his foot, and he needed help fixing his roof. And his wife… she fell into the well. They needed help, so we stayed.”

“You were doing God’s work, praising the Lord in your own way.”

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And so it went. Isaac and Ishmael were making near-nightly runs into Sodom to party their brains out with their cousin Lot. The world had never known such debauchery. Tales of the number of women bedded by Isaac and Ishmael, along with the amount of wine they consumed, spread throughout Canaan. Hoofa’s became a magnet for the depraved pleasure seekers who had grown weary of waiting for the Redeemer. Hoofa was raking in so many sheep, goats, and cattle that he opened another club in nearby Gomorrah.

“Have you ever thought about franchising the Hoofa name? I could help you with that.”

“Thanks, Lot. I’ll give it some thought.”

Lot could barely keep up with the rookie revelers. Isaac and Ishmael would ride into town on their donkeys, consume vast quantities of beer and wine, and ravage their women worshipers, who became known as the “Two Crazy Guys Groupies”. It was indeed fortunate for the two sinners that Abraham was naïve and blinded by his belief that his nephew Lot was a good man who would keep his sons on the straight and narrow.

“Why were you boys late for worship again this morning?”

“You can hardly believe it, Dad, but Lot’s wife fell into the well again.”

“What is wrong with that woman? It was a good thing you were there to help, Isaac. You’re doing God’s work.”

But not everyone was pleased with what was going on in Sodom and Gomorrah.

----------

“Abraham, we need to talk.”

“Hello, God. Good to hear from you, but I’m in the middle of something right now. Can I get back to you?”

“That’s not how this works, Abraham.”

“Oh, sorry. What is it?”

“Do you know what your sons have been up to?”

“Sure, they’ve been going to Sodom to help their cousin Lot fix his roof and pull his wife out of the well.”

“Abraham, Abraham, Abraham… Just how long have Isaac and Ishmael been going to Sodom to help Lot fix his roof and pull his wife out of the well?”

“Oh, I’d say it’s been about three years.”

“Every day?”

“Pretty near.”

“Abraham, do you really think it takes three years to fix a roof?”

“That does seem like a long time.”

“And do you really think a woman can fall into a well almost every day?”

“Isaac says she’s really clumsy.”

“Open your eyes, Abraham! I command thee! Your house is a house of sin!”

“Why would you say that? We worship you every day.”

“It is Isaac and Ishmael. They travel to Sodom to commit more sins than Ishmael has turnips.”

“No way.”

“Way. They are drunkards who have meaningless sex with as many women as they can when they are in Sodom.”

Abraham fell to his knees, gnashed his teeth, and rended his garments.

“Aah!!! But this is so hard to believe, especially when they are being watched over by my nephew Lot, and Lot is a good man.”

“Lot is the corruptor. Your sons were weak, and Lot led them astray.”

Abraham wept openly.

“I will take them both up the mountain and plunge my knife into their hearts to atone for their sins.”

“Well, that seems like a lot of trouble for you. I’ve got a better idea. Get them over to Sodom, and I’ll wipe out the whole place.”

“Can you do that?”

“Of course I can.”

“Wow, another flood!”

“No, I like to mix it up a little. What would you think of fire and brimstone?”

“Awesome.”

“If you want atonement for the sins of your children, just make sure Isaac and Ishmael are in Sodom tomorrow night.”

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It was late afternoon, the sun was low in the sky, and Abraham saw Isaac and Ishmael resting under a spreading oak tree. Burning the candles at both ends does leave one weary. Abraham panicked as the boys were supposed to be in Sodom by now. He lost both sandals as he raced through Ishmael’s turnip field to talk to his sons.

“Isaac, Ishmael, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Sodom helping your cousin Lot with something, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe fixing his roof or pulling his wife out of the well?”

An exhausted Isaac raised his head.

“We're pretty tired. I think we’ll just stay home tonight.”

Abraham panicked. The requisite atonement proscribed by God Himself was slipping through his hands. He needed a ruse.

“You know how God speaks to me through my dreams?”

His sons had heard about the dreams and their messages a thousand times.

“Well, I just had a dream…just now… a daydream… that Lot’s wife was calling for help from inside a well. You'd better get over there.”

The boys looked puzzled as Isaac whispered to Ishmael.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you think that on the one night we want to stay home, she actually fell into a well?”

“I don’t know, Isaac… maybe. But what the heck, let’s go. One more night of partying won’t kill us.”

And Isaac and Ishmael headed down the road for Sodom.

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“Tweedledee and Tweedledum! I thought you guys weren’t coming tonight.”

“Last-minute change of plans, Lot. By the way, is your wife ok?”

This was a sore subject for Lot. It was no secret he was not fond of his wife. His father Haran frowned on divorce, and he feared he’d jeopardize his inheritance if he dumped her. He tried hooking up with a number of wandering camel trains, but she always found him. He once faked his own death. In the end, he decided he could tolerate the marriage with the aid of alcohol and adultery.

“She’s fine. Why do you ask, Ishmael?”

“No reason. Let’s get over to Hoofa’s.”

----------

An uneasy feeling hung over the crowd at Hoofa’s. The room was still filled with the chaotic sounds of the drunken patrons, and illicit sex was in progress in every darkened corner of the club, but the party animals all seemed distracted by impending events unknown.

“I don’t know, Isaac, I just can’t get into it tonight. Even Hoofa’s special brew doesn’t seem tasty.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve only done three women tonight, and I feel like I’m ready to go home.”

When Hoofa stepped outside to retrieve another cask of wine, he was troubled by the red clouds he saw gathering on the horizon.

----------

“Abraham, have you seen the boys? They were going to help me grind some grain tonight. I’m worried about them.”

“They went into Sodom to help Lot, Sarah. I guess his wife fell into the well again… heh, heh, heh.”

“What is wrong with that woman?”

“I guess she’s a real klutz.”

“I just worry so much about those boys. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to them.”

Suddenly, Abraham was conflicted. He felt the need for atonement for his sons’ sins, but he loved Sarah, and he didn’t want her to be hurt. And, Isaac and Ishmael were his sons, the fruit of his loins, the roots of the new Nation promised by God. Abraham couldn’t decide. He was torn between his love of God and his love for his children. In the end, he realized what a bitch it would be to take care of the goats and crops himself, and he took off running for Sodom.

----------

An ominous red glow hovered over the city as the drunken orgy raged on inside Hoofa’s.

“Man, it’s crazy in here tonight, Isaac.”

“It sure is. I’ve never seen it… Oh, my God, Ishmael, you won’t believe who just walked in.”

Isaac pointed to the door.

“It’s Abraham! Let’s get out of here. Does Hoofa have a back door?”

“Too late. He’s spotted us.”

Abraham shook his head in disgust as he stepped over passed-out bodies and shielded his eyes from half-naked women.

“Isaac! Ishmael! You must leave this place!”

“Dad! Yeah, we should get out of here. We had no idea what kind of place this was. They serve alcohol here! Lot brought us here. We’re pretty upset about it.”

“Knock off the BS, Isaac. We’ll deal with your sinful ways later. Right now, I’m here to save you. God will destroy the city tonight.”

“Was this one of your goofy dreams?

“Ok, I know some of my dreams have been a little off…”

“Like the one where you win the camel race at the bazaar?”

“Yeah, that one still puzzles me, but this one is real! God will send fire and brimstone to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for all the sinning that goes on here.”

“Sins? I didn’t see any sins going on around here. Did you see any sins, Ishmael?”

“No, I…”

“Stop it! We have to go!”

Isaac and Ishmael looked at each other. The message was clear. Every so often, the old man’s dreams turned real. Why take a chance?

“I’m right behind you, Dad.”

“Wait, we must take Lot.”

“We might have to carry him.”

They found Lot hanging onto a beer with one hand and onto the bar with the other.

“Lot! We must go! Now! Abraham says God is going to destroy the city!”

Lot knew of Abraham’s regular conversations with God. Half of Canaan knew about it. Lot was skeptical, but seeing the concern on his cousins’ faces, he opted for the prudent thing to do.

“I’m coming. Let me grab one more beer.”

Abraham led the way out of Hoofa’s with Isaac and Ishmael half-dragging Lot along with them.

“Lot, we must get your wife or she will die.”

The hint of a smile appeared on Lot’s face.

“My wife? Uh… she’s not home, Abraham. She… uh… went to Hebron to visit her mother. Yes, Hebron to visit her mother. She’ll be gone for at least a week.”

And they were on their way home.

Epilogue-

The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah suffered the wrath of God and were reduced to smoldering ash.

Realizing the opportunity to cash in on products and services the people craved for, and confident no one was around to bring an action for tradename infringement, Lot opened Hoofa’s Two in nearby Zoar.

Abraham continued to lead a good life and fulfilled God’s directive that he become the father of many nations.

Isaac and Ishmael? Having lost the excuse of having to rescue Lot’s wife from the well, they were unable to make regular runs to Lot’s new club, Hoofa’s Two. They reluctantly returned to Abraham’s rigid schedule of worship, and resumed their regular duties on the farm… but with creative variations to add a little much-needed spice to their lives.

“Do you want goats or turnips today, Isaac?”

“I’ll do turnips today, Ishmael. I like how we’ve been switching it around. It doesn’t get so boring.”

“Isaac, is it a sin to just think about all those days and nights at Hoofa’s?”

“No, I don’t think it’s a sin to just think about such things.”

Big smiles as they headed for the fields.