The Haunting of Rin Tin Tin

A haunted house is only a haunted house if you can afford to live somewhere else. For the financially impaired, it’s just a house with an unusual feature. And this house’s unusual feature was the ghost of former canine movie star and Hollywood sensation Rin Tin Tin.

Of course, I didn’t know this was Rin Tin Tin at first. I thought he was just your run-of-the-mill semi-transparent German Shepherd. There’s very few people on Earth that can take one look at this ghost-dog and say “I know that dog! That’s the dog from the 1920s who starred in those movies!”

I bought the house five years ago. The realtor was vehement about showing me the house specifically at 3pm. I didn’t mind. I would have seen the house at midnight if that was what the realtor insisted.

The house was in the heart of North Hollywood, had 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, was in good condition, had a renovated kitchen with that eat-in island thing that everyone was fond of, and was going for 20% less than what similar houses would go for. I thought it was too good to be true, so on the tour, I diligently searched for anything amiss, but couldn’t find anything. It was an incredible deal.

It was only the morning after the deal closed that I realized there’s no such thing as incredible deals in real estate, only incredible suckers.

Morning one in my new house I woke up to a German Shepherd ghost phantom-pissing on my face. I felt the full force of the urine, which was quite strong, but didn’t get wet. It’s a very bizarre feeling that can only be grasped if it happens to you. And it happened every morning at 5am - a type of alarm clock that nobody asked for and would never sell.

I immediately called my real estate lawyer and he told me that once you sign the documents, the house is yours and the former owner is no longer responsible for anything in that house. It was legal speak for “no take-backsies.”

“But I didn’t know about the hundred-pound ghost-dog that urinates on faces!,” I shouted at the lawyer.

“That’s what the walk-through is for…”

I was stuck being haunted by a dog, which is a completely different vibe of haunting. Typical hauntings are eery, creepy and terrifying. My haunting was annoying, attention-seeking and exhausting. He constantly brought me his rope toy, demanding me to throw it. But he never got tired! I can’t throw toys all day every day, it’s not reasonable! I have things to do.

If I ever stopped throwing the toy, he would act out. He would tug on my pants, bite furniture, and this one may shock you like it did me… jump through windows and smash the glass into a million pieces. It was a lot easier to keep throwing the rope toy until my shoulder gave out. I thought I would need Tommy John surgery like I’m a baseball player. “Pitcher?” the imaginary surgeon in my head would ask me, while I’m lying on the surgeon’s table. “No, just throwing a rope toy for my ghost dog.”

I was chucking the rope toy for the thousandth time that day when I thought to myself “why couldn’t I just be haunted by a murdered guy or something like a typical haunted person? Those people have no idea how good they have it. What do they have to deal with? Flickering lights? Doors slamming on their own? Big deal. Sometimes I want my door closed… Why did I have to be haunted by this?”

I never got a break. Other than his 3pm nap in the attic, of course. Oh yeah, that’s why the realtor needed me to come at 3. These real estate agents…

***

Everything changed when I discovered who this dog really was. I found out when a friend came over.

“Do you have a problem with ghost-dogs?” I asked before he came in.

“No, I love dogs!,” my friend responded.

“I feel like you left out a critical word there, but okay…”

The thing about this friend was, he happened to take a film history class when he was in college. I remember when he was signing up for that class. I told him there’s no way that a film history class will ever come in handy. He said, “you never know.” And then this happens…

My friend immediately pointed and said, “Holy shit! That’s Rin Tin Tin! That’s the dog from the 1920s who starred in those movies!”

***

I immediately did some research on my movie star ghost-dog. It turns out Rin Tin Tin was A-List. He was the Leonardo DiCaprio of his day and responsible for box office hits “Clash of the Wolves,” often considered his best performance (he played a wolf!), “A Dog of the Regiment,” which really was his WW1 biopic where he was discovered, and “The Night Cry,” which critics say truly showed of Rin Tin Tin’s range. His movies were massive financial successes at a time when Warner Brothers was in deep financial trouble. If it wasn’t for Rin Tin Tin, there’s a good chance Warner Brothers wouldn’t be around today.

That night we sat on the couch together and watched Rin Tin Tin’s movies, starting with “Clash of the Wolves.” Rin Tin Tin was unbelievable. He jumped across cliffs (for real, there was no CGI), untied shoelaces and leaped through the air, tackling men off horses. In another movie, his owner was trapped under a car after a serious car accident, and Rin Tin Tin saved the man by tying a rope around the car and then guiding a horse to pull the vehicle away, freeing the man. I’ve never felt so inadequate in my life. I can’t even change a tire. If I ever found myself in a similar situation and someone was shouting for help, the best I can do is say, “damn, if only my dog was here…”

I eyed the rope toy that was in Rin Tin Tin’s mouth as we watched. No wonder why he loved that toy so much. Maybe it reminded him of his acting days. I noticed his tail wagging at every single one of his scenes.

“Do you want to act again, Rin Tin Tin?” I asked him. I always felt like he could understand me.

Rin Tin Tin bolted upstairs, pulled down the string to the attic and leaped up into the hidden room. A moment later he dragged out an Ouija board.

No way…

He placed the Ouija board in front of my feet and pawed at the letters.

“Act,” he spelled out.

“You could spell this entire time?” I said, dumbfounded. “Why didn’t you tell me?! You could’ve expressed yourself instead of smashing all those windows.”

“You didn’t ask...” There was something about the way he pawed out those ellipses in quick succession that made me laugh.

“Rin Tin Tin, you want to act, I’m on the verge of financial ruin because I couldn’t afford this house in the first place, and there’s an entire world out there that would love to meet you. I think I have a way to solve both of our problems.”

***

All it took was one Tik Tok video. I mean, how can the ghost of a famous dog not go viral?

I turned my house into an attraction. I called it “Film a Scene With Ghost-Dog Sensation Rin Tin Tin From the 1920’s and 30’s Who Starred in Over 25 Movies!”

The name lacked brevity, but with a product this good, it didn’t matter. For $500 dollars you can be in a scene where a hired actor is attacking you in the living room, and Rin Tin Tin sprints from the backyard, smashes through a window, rescues you and then licks your face. Exactly the kind of stunts he did in the early 20th century, but this time with a shattering window. It turns out, crashing through a window is a stunt that Rin Tin Tin has been working on for the past 85 years and now he finally gets to do it on camera.

The attraction was an instant success. The key was that so many different demographics were interested. We booked up reservations from film buffs, historians, aspiring actors, people who love dogs and people into the occult. The money was rolling in.

After one year, we made hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue. And because our main expense were prop windows, and actors who were surprisingly affordable, almost all of it was straight profit.

But I wanted more. What good is hundreds of thousands of dollars, when you can have millions?

I put all of the money back into the business. My student loans and mortgage can wait.

Be patient, student loans and mortgage, your time will come.

Instead, I bought bigger windows and renovated the house to add more sets. A brilliant business move. Before, customers would film one scene and that was the end of their experience. There was no reason to come back. With additional scenes to film, that changes. Plus, now we can sell packages. Like buy two get one free. People love things like that.

The best set of all was the prop-filled tavern in the backyard that took you back to the Wild West. I even wrote the scene myself. A poker game goes wrong when you discover the cowboy across from you cheating! You accuse the cowboy. The cowboy denies the cheating, as cheating cowboys are one to do. He grips his pistol. You grip yours. You find yourself in the throes of a Wild West shootout! You get shot in the stomach, fake blood bursts from your stomach! You are certainly going to die! But who’s there to rescue you? Rin Tin Tin! He attacks the gunslingers and drags you to safety.

***

Year two of “Film a Scene With Ghost-Dog Sensation Rin Tin Tin From the 1920’s and 30’s Who Starred in Over 25 Movies!” went off to a great start. The tavern scene was a hit. It was only January, but if we kept this up, I would be on pace to hit a million dollars in profit by October.

That’s when I discovered Rin Tin Tin with his Ouija board and a man in a suit waiting for me in my bedroom.

“Who’s this?” I asked Rin Tin Tin.

“My agent,” he spelled out.

The agent patiently waited for Rin Tin Tin to spell out the letters and then introduced himself. “Tim Massey. It appears we have a problem. My client is not satisfied with his financial compensation and we are ready to walk!”

“Walk? Rin Tin Tin physically can’t leave the property if he tried!”

“I meant in a metaphorical way. My client is not happy. I mean look at his tail! His tail’s down!,” the agent shouted at me.

“He’s an actor, that doesn’t mean anything!,” I shouted back.

Then, Rin Tin Tin started pawing at the Ouija board.

“It’s Warner Brothers all over again! I do the stunts, I do all the work, I put butts in the seats, yet all the financial reward goes to you. It’s not right! Do you know what I received in compensation from Warner Brothers. A rope toy. That’s it!”

It took like 20 minutes for Rin Tin Tin to tap all that out. The wait was excruciating, as was the content of his words.

“You’re a ghost-dog! What do you even need money for?”

“Nothing, I just know that I want it,” Rin Tin Tin responded. “Why is Tom Holland making millions and I make nothing?”

“Tom Holland is a human and in Earth’s realm!”

“Plus there’s my 10% to think about. My agent fee,” chimed in the agent.

“Agents have to eat too,” spelled Rin Tin Tin.

“You didn’t even have an agent until two minutes ago! This is so freaking insane… I don’t have any money, I put all of our earnings into the property. Plus I took on extra debt for the tavern set. Construction people always say one number but then it always costs more!”

“Your poor financial decisions should not affect my client,” said Tim.

***

The next morning an article appeared in Deadline titled, “Ghost of Rin Tin Tin Walks! Complains of Lack of Compensation and Scheduling Conflicts With 3pm Naps.”

We did have a fight about those naps. Those naps at 3pm cost thousands of dollars! Can’t you just nap later?!

No matter how much I explained my financial situation to Rin Tin Tin — I even showed him my QuickBooks account — he wouldn’t work.

“I hope you get replaced by AI!” I said to him, although I didn’t mean it. I hope nobody gets replaced by AI and he knew it.

Rin Tin Tin bolted to the Ouija board and started pawing at letters in response but I didn’t have the patience to wait for his insult. I knew it was going to be creative and hurtful and felt no need to wait. Tears swelled in my eyes.

We never really spoke about it, but Rin Tin Tin and I grew close. At least, that’s how I felt. I thought he felt the same. Maybe he was just acting. He was such a great actor, after all…

I sold the house. I didn’t have a choice. The mortgage payments added up quickly and I had no way of covering them. I cried as I signed the papers.

***

For the next few years, I worked a corporate sales job that I hated to get my life back in order and claw my way out of debt. I worked my ass off. This time it was me being underpaid and overworked. I worked long hours, and just like Rin Tin Tin, was also denied a 3pm nap.

I finally understood where Rin Tin Tin was coming from. Even if you don’t need the money, it hurts to see others doing less work than you and enjoying the fruits of your labor. It hurts to feel unappreciated. It hurts to not feel valued. Why couldn’t I get my head out of the QuickBooks account and at the very least, pat Rin Tin Tin on the head and say “good boy…” Why didn’t I do that? What was I thinking?

***

It’s been five years since I sold the house. The house not haunted by Rin Tin Tin, but graced by his presence. I knocked on the door. A very tired man opened the door. He was in his 50s, but looked like he was in his 70s. Dark circles under his eyes. I knew that look. It’s the look of someone who’s been waking up to phantom-piss on his face at 5am every morning. I knew it all too well.

“Is this house for sale?” I asked the man.

“Yes,” he replied. “But if you would like a tour I suggest you come back at 3pm.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

***

The seller signed the papers as fast as he could. As did I. We both felt we got a steal.

I drove to the house and bolted through the door like I was Rin Tin Tin himself. As soon as he saw me, he jumped into my arms.

“I’m so sorry, Rin Tin Tin,” I said.

I saw in his face, that he was sorry too. He turned to get the Ouija board.

“There’s no need,” I said.

I found the rope toy lying on the living room floor and we went outside to the backyard. I noticed the tavern was demolished and gone. I didn’t care.

I threw that rope toy until my arm gave out.

When he returned the toy, “good boy!,” I shouted.