SpellBound

He stretches his back, then settles across from me. “Let me tell you,” he says, “it’s not easy out there.” He pauses to sniff his dish, shakes his head, then takes a bite before continuing. “I’d almost given up, in fact, until I came across this new app. SpellBound. Yeah, with two Ls.”

“Two Ls, huh?” I repeat. “I guess I’ll check it later…” I wait for him to continue.

“Look, even then, it took some trying,” he says. “I open it up, and first thing, this really ugly hag pops up, ancient, nose warts and all. Must have paid up for the premium placement. And that profile video of hers, talk about your catfishing.” He shakes his head again. “I can go all night, she says, and then love to lie in bed and cuddle all day. Man, that voice still gives me shivers. So of course I swipe left...”

He swallows another piece of his dinner as I nod in understanding, though I have to pause to scratch my underpit. Dammit, I hope it’s not some hex? No, probably just fleas again. “Yeah, I get it,” I say finally. “And were most of them like that?”

He shrugs. “Some looked better than that, I have to admit, but those seemed right out of my league. One wanted only someone with eyes of a different color. Another one wanted battle scars and less hair on the back. I tell you. I tried all kinds of filters, too, but they see right through them, the witches.”

“Fuckers,” I curse loudly, not quite sure why, as the folks at the neighboring table turn to stare. “Sorry,” I enunciate with an apologetic nod to them, rolling my Rs for emphasis, then turn back to him after pausing to wet my beak. “Can’t take you anywhere, man,” he says with a chuckle.

I give him a dismissive wave. “Come on, Tommy, you’re stalling, there’s gotta be more to the story than this, no? Not even one good hookup?”

He shrugs. “There were indeed a few that were promising. One that I kinda liked, was cute as a pumpkin, that one, but she turned out to be allergic to everything. Started sneezing as soon as I would get anywhere near her. I think that one wound up getting a goldfish. Another one decided to become gluten-free, and I’m like, that’s fine, I’m a meat-eater anyway, but she wanted me to be vegan. Who does that!”

It was a familiar tale, and one I’d heard before, but I don’t interrupt Tommy. He’s a good, old friend, even if a bit self-obsessed. “Ok, ok,” I prompt him, “but you didn’t come here to just complain about your romantic failures. There must have been a spectacular conquest or two in there, no?”

He grins, licking his lips. “All right, all right,” he says. “I’ll confess. The app, it has that new AI thing everyone’s talking about, and so the matches did get better over time, and I started swiping right more and more. Until I got to this one Goth chick.” He turns wistful. “I tell you, she was purrfect! Eyes like storm clouds, lips blood red, nails blacker than mine. And that veil — widow’s lace, all mystery, all promise. I was lost before I even watched the whole video. And what a video!”

I could tell he’s really getting excited. “You don’t say? Wait, she didn't…”

“No, no,” he interrupts me with a chuckle. “That would have been great, but it’s totally against their Terms & Conditions, it’s not OnlyWitches, you know, that stuff would get you banned. So no. But pretty suggestive. ‘Come, spend the night of your life,’ she says, ‘and who knows, maybe we’ll be together forever!’”

He takes a deep breath. “So of course I swipe right, so fast I almost scratched the screen. And then message her. I didn’t even try to sound casual, I’m like lady, I’m yours if you’ll have me, took some new pics, me on the couch, that kind of stuff. Respectable, but you know. And then… Then, within just a few seconds, I get a reply back, marked with three hearts. And an address!”

He coughs, spits a fishbone onto his plate. “Sorry, I always forget to ask them to debone it. Anyway, where was I? Oh, so I see the address, but it’s nowhere in town. Check Google Maps — it’s a large Victorian-era estate on the outskirts of town, out by the lake. The pictures on Maps look great, lots of greenery around, rose gardens, beautiful dock, but it’s the middle of winter now, and it’s going to be a shlepp… Still, I’m too excited to miss this opportunity, so I head out there.

Took well over an hour, what with the traffic, but here I am finally at the front door, waiting by the door like a high schooler picking up a prom date. Then she opens the door, and she’s exactly like in the video! ‘Come on in, come on in’, she says, pointing into the foyer. ‘Oh, you’re cute,’ she adds, ‘much cuter than the last one.’

That should have been my clue, but I’m still lovestruck, so I make my way into the foyer, onto some curious geometric floor pattern. Wait! I think, what is that? But it’s too late. I find myself unable to move, suddenly on all fours, my true form…”

He pauses, and I find myself leaning toward him, neck muscles stretched from the strain, listening intently. “OMG, so what happened next?”

He shakes his head. “First, I realize I can’t move, like not at all. Then, a darkness overtakes me, eyelids forced closed.

I don’t know how long I was out, seconds, minutes, maybe more. But when I next open my eyes, I’m swinging in the air, icy gusts of wind batting me back and forth like a punching bag. I’m in a net, dangling from a pulley a few feet above the frozen-solid lake.

I look down, and there’s a large drilled hole in the ice, dark water splashing underneath it, the occasional shiny, scaled fin making an ominous appearance. And she’s standing there, next to the pulley, mumbling something and gesturing wildly, like she’s doing a spell to call the devil himself.

‘Wait!’ I attempt to call out, though it comes out more like a metal scratching glass. ‘Wait!’ I try again, shouting over the wailing winds. ‘What are you doing!?’

She laughs, one of those maniacal laughs you only see in the black and white movies, and it’s cinematic too, her silhouette stark against the moonlit night sky, then looks at me, with no shame in those dark, dark eyes, none whatsoever. ‘What does it look like I’m doing, dear?’ she says. ‘I’m catfishing.’

He falls silent, brooding. I wait, letting him collect his thoughts, but I can’t help it. “So wait, how are you here? What happened next?”

He doesn’t answer right away. “Next,” he says finally. “Next, you should have seen the size of that sturgeon. Not one of my finest moments, not at all... But hey, she beat him over the head with a club until he released me, only took a couple of minutes. And then she offers me a full-time gig, benefits and all. Even teared up a little when I told her this isn’t for me…" He sighs resignedly.

It's my turn to shake my head. “Well, Tommy, you’ve definitely ruffled my feathers with that one!” I look up at my perch. “Brings back memories of what Edgar used to do to me. “So what are you doing now, looking again?”

Tommy stretches his black back again. “Are you kidding me, Raven? I’m taking it easy for a while...

Probably going to move back in with Jerry.”