How History Became Hysterical

How History Became Hysterical

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va., there lived a 15 year old girl named Sue who loved studying history, and even more so when it came to history of America and local things she could actually have a chance to go visit and see in person. She always aced every tests because she loved learning about the things people went through in order to make this world, and this country be all it can be so she could enjoy it today. That really pleased her both of he parents. Many other of the kids parents complained about their children only being interested in fantasy books which meant their brains were not nearly as high-functioning as Sue's yet she was always hungry for knowledge.

Then one day while she was doing her history homework about the Civil War, a really odd thing happened, General Robert E. Lee suddenly jumped out of the book she was reading and stood on the floor 5 feet from where she was sitting at her desk. To say she was startled would be a gross understatement, but to say that General Lea was startled was an even bigger surprise to him since he had been dead for over 200 years. Sue almost screamed from surprise, but then she realized who he was because she had seen a lot of pictures of him in several of her history books.

"What, I say what the heck am I doing here? Oh, excuse me fair maiden, I didn't mean to cuss in front of a lady." Then he bowed and tipped his hat really gentleman like. After that he said, "It's just that I wasn't expecting to be put in front of such a beautiful maiden as yourself. My deepest, humblest apologies, Ma'am."

Sue realized that she must have been at fault for causing the great Confederate general to suddenly appear in her bedroom, so that made her curtsy and say, "Gee, thank you for coming to see me in person, General, but I really did not mean to summons you here. I apologize profusely, sir, but it's a really tremendous honor."

"No, no. Don't be silly. Why, it's perfectly alright, mam." replied the man, who was actually as much of a Southern gentleman as her history teacher said he was. "It's just that I was leading my men to a win which would end this here war going on between our own country. I was just about to make that other general, 'grant' me what I want, which is a victory. My men had to come here by riding their bicycles so that's affected their fighting ability. Now they're all, '2-tired' to fight." Then he turned to his army of totally bedraggled soldiers and said, "We ain't gonna, 'Grant' them dang yankees no victory! We'll, 'yankee' a knot in their dad-burn necks!"

While Sue was trying to figure out how that man got into her house after being dead for over a century, she noticed her history book on the table was opened to the page on The Civil War. Yet as she went to close it, the wind blew in through the open window from her house and the pages turned to The Revolutionary War. That's when she saw a well-dressed man who was quite tall and really muscular, leading another bunch of weary men, only their weapons looked a lot less sophisticated then the last bunch she had just noticed. He was also leading a bunch of weary soldiers towards Yorktown. To be sure, Sue called out to him, "Hay, excuse me sir, do you by any chance happen to be President Abraham Lincoln?"

"That be me, alright," he said while he politely tipped his hat the same way the last general had done to her. "I apologize, my dear, I would ordinarily give you a warm hug, but you see, my shoulder is still really sore from throwing that quarter across the Petomic River. I'm on my way to go help my men win this Civil War that's been going on for quite a while. I wish George wasn't so messy, but he's always doing things like cutting down cherry trees! At least he owned up to it! I would have tanned his hide good if he hadn't done that! He also works in the cornfield after school, but, 'shucks!' I wish he'd come home! His girlfriend, Martha and I want to treat him to dinner, except we're out of money! That flipping old King George The 3rd is taxing us to death! Now he's even taxing our tea! You'll have to excuse me right now, for I have to get ready for the tea party with the Indians up in Boston. That should be one to really remember! I just wish I had some more thumbtacks and much less, 'tea-tax.' Hopefully Cornwallis won't be so grumpy and will let us be free soon. I've had enough, 'Corn'-wallis! I wish he would just hurry up and surrender to end all this ridiculous fighting that's been happening for so long all this time!"

Then he went back to doing his chores so Sue just figured he had nothing more to say, although her hubby was not in favor of having a huge war which would cost many American lives, but it was going to be the only way anybody could ever make the country she lived in become great the way it was. He believed, "red" was done to The Declaration Of Independence, white was for finding freedom, "white" now and blue was for all our forefathers who were determined the enemy, "blew" it so we'd win the war when Cornwallis surrendered.

Since Sue was so knowledgeable about how things were back in those days, she knew everything there was to know about what was getting ready to happen. Then she saw Washington's men cross the Delaware even though they were all extremely bushed. She knew what did, "Della-wear?" It was her, "New Jersey." She saw George Washington discussing how he would surrender to end the war. Sue ran up to him and said, "Excuse me, sir, but you really don't want to surrender. You're going to win this war. Any moment you will see Cornwallis come up waving his white flag. You have got to trust me about this. Oh, please, sir, do not give up. Look! There he is now!"

While Washington frowned at her with an unbelieving expression on his face, he heard the sound of somebody shouting. When he looked outside, there was Charles Edward Cornwallis just like she'd told him, waving a white flag. Washington went over to see him and saw how he was even more bedraggled then his own men. All the guns and bombs had finally caused him to give up, which was super.

"How did you know he would do that, Miss?" the extremely bedraggled general asked her, "We were all but beaten!" Then Sue told him it was a hunch that he would give up and make the country he was to be the father of turn into the greatest country on Earth. So after a considerable amount of thanks and hand-shakes from Washington and the other men in charge, they insisted that she take a lot of money from them. That's when she finally accepted it, although the money they gave her didn't look anything like what the currency we use today. However, Sue figured it would be worth even more then the current kind of money since it was so original. She knew nobody would believe her if she told them who's photo would be on the one dollar bill later on in the right near future, so she just accepted it.

When Sue left the men, she went back to read some more from her history book. It said that Lincoln wrote his Emancipation Proclamation in l863, which would end the Civil War and free all the slaves who weren't already moved up in The Underground Railroad run by Ms. Harriet Tubman. She was definitely one of Sues favorite historical characters because of all she did to lead the slaves up to freedom like dressing up as a man to get into where the slaves were since women were not allowed back there and if any of them got scared about wanting to go back, she would try to change their minds, but if she couldn't, she would pull a gun on them. She never lost a passenger on The Underground Railroad. When Sue finally found her, she was surprised that she was actually black herself. Yet she helped hand out maps to all the slaves which said where they could go to be with some friendly white-people who'd allow them to stay in their homes until they reached freedom. Then she told Abraham Lincoln not to sit up near the front row at Growmen's Chinese Theater, but when he asked her why, she said, "You'll have to trust me sir, but I promise it will be the best thing which will really help you out a lot."

That's when John Wilkes Booth shot at him, but miss. Yet he still jumped out of the window and broke his leg which is when he hobbled to Dr. Mud who would get in big trouble for aiding the assassinator of the president when he had no idea that he had just murdered the most powerful man on the planet, which wasn't the least bit fair in any way.

Sue changed other historical things throughout history since she knew the outcome of them. Some people listened, some did not, but those who did were mighty grateful for those mighty helpful warnings.

After a while, Sue came back to the present day. That's when she aced her history tests with an A + on every one of them. Later she went to college and became a history teacher at E. C. Glass High School. That allowed her to meet the literacy teacher there who was named Frank Write. After dating a while, he eventually, "popped-it" so they were married which meant he was literally, "Mr. Write." The following year they blessed the whole planet with a really smart girl who would some day have the highest i. q. ever so she made Albert Einstein's i. q. be more like, "p. u." Their son would get a scholarship to U. C. L. A., that's, "University Closest to Lynchburg Airport." So like the best-written children's stories of all-time officially finish up with,

"THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!"

-------------------------------------------

The end.

By, Cuz Roye.