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God this room is so cold. Maybe I should have brought a blanket from home. You'd think a hospital would have enough blankets on hand to keep you from freezing. Maybe I should turn the light on. Maybe that would make me feel warmer, a warmer glow rather than darkness. Yeah, why is it so dark? Seems darker than dark. The only warm feeling is Becky's breathing from across the room. Listen to those soft little jet streams piercing the darkness. It's feels like burning the mid-night oil.
The mid-night oil. I wonder what time it is. I haven't check the time in a while. Better not to check the time. I don't even really want to know the time. Of what use is it to me to know the time? It feels like I have been here for a long time. I know that isn't true. Being here knowing it is the end makes it seem like I have been here for a long time. I just wish is was early enough so that I could call someone. I know it is way too late to call anyone. I wouldn't want to wake anyone just to say “Hey, I'm really bummed out here being in the hospice unit waiting for my sister to die.” I mean that would be kinda rude, wouldn't it? Still, I wish that I could do it. All I have to keep me company is Becky's rhythmic breaking. In and out, in and out. Oh if only it would stay that way. But I know that it will not. I know from talking to people and reading books about the last moments of life that the breathing gets weird, labored, almost choked. I know that is what I'm waiting to hear. What a morbid thought. Here I am sitting, monitoring the last breaths that my darling baby sister will take. Finally I am here and she is there. Here we are locked into a moment of no return to the background music of in and out—inhale exhale, oxygen in carbon dioxide out. Life in, death out. It is so cold in here. Maybe I should go into the bathroom right here, right now and just take a shower. Hot water really is the only thing that warms a person when the cold is way down to the bone. Nope! No way can I do that. Can't do that because that is the very moment that it might happen. That is the very second that she will slip away. And where would I be? Taking a shower! Good God, how lame is that? Wait a minute, maybe that's why it is so damned cold in here. She knows me well enough to know that I would think of taking a shower in order to warm up. I know too from reading about death vigils, that people “sneak out”
when no one is around. They just want to set themselves free without thinking of those sad souls gathered around their bed. Yeah, so that's what up. She's trying to get me out of the room. Well, sorry Becky, I'm staying. I'm staying until the very end, even if I turn into a popsicle with freezer burn.
It is just so dark, I know I have to ring the buzzer for the nurse when I notice any breathing irregularity. But in such blackness, I may not find my way to the buzzer. I never even checked to see where it is. Maybe I should get up and do a test run. I should at least turn on the light to see just where that buzzer is. Ok, I think that's a good idea. Here goes nothing.
Wait---what's that? Oh God, she's wheezing. She's missing the beat. She's missing the beat of the in-out rhythm. This is it! Oh God the wheezing! What? What? Who just shoved a snuff load of pepper up my nose. Oh no! No! No! No! I'm gonna---I'm gonna sssnnnnneeezzzzzeeee—a-choo! Again! AAAA-CHOO! Becky why are you doing this to me? Stop it! Christ I just peed! I'm gonna piss all over the floor if I don't get on that pot RGHT NOW!!!! Damn it! Where's the bathroom light switch-shit I don't have time for this. Push push push---make the pee come out faster---she's getting away. She's getting away out there-right now! Hurry Hurry Hurry. Get your pants up you idiot. OK where's the buzzer-shit---here it is----ring ring ring ring!!!
“Oh nurse! Nurse, I think, I think the time has come”. It's still dark in here. I couldn't find the light.”
“Here's the light. Let's take a listen with my scope. But first lets' take a moment to look at Becky. Look how sweet she is. She looks like a little angel. She has such beautiful hair, even after all those chemo treatments, sweet, sweet angel. OK now, let's listen. ........ I do not hear a heart beat. She is gone. The time is 1:00 AM, August 15. I'm going to cover her up now. You might want to take the blanket that the ladies made for her. It will be a nice memento. If you are driving back home right now, try not to cry too much while you are driving. It was good that you were here with her. You know, a lot of folks
die alone. I'm sure it made a difference to her that you were here.”
“You know, I feel bad that I wasn't actually in the room when she left. It's just the craziest thing. All of a sudden I had this uncontrollable sneezing attack that I couldn't hold back. And because of that I had to run to the bathroom so that I wouldn't pee all over the floor. I swear she was trying to get me out of the room so that she could leave. Maybe she just really didn't even want me here in the first place.”
“Oh I don't think that's the case. She wanted you here. But I think she just wanted you to know that ,being the younger sister, this time she was gonna have it her way”
END
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I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. It’s such a strange, heavy feeling to sit in a room with a loved one, listening to the labored breathing the final struggle and being amazed when the pauses between breaths grow longer, only for them to gasp yet again. I remember feeling like if I left the room for even a second, I might miss it. I’m glad you were there for her. And that detail about the sneezing ... is classic. It’s both heartbreaking and funny in the midst of such a moment. Thanks for sharing this story :)
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The only thing that made it bearable was the wonderful staff at the Hospice. Those caregivers are angels that walk among us. It takes a very special person to do that kind of work. They helped me through it. Yup--that sneezing fit was unlike anything I ever experienced. Crazy!
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Debra, having gone through loss and death of loved ones so close I can relate how you made the mind play its panic game. Your younger sister have her way at the end was your way of grieving and gave you comfort.
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That always was kind of a “thing” with us-who was gonna get their way this time or that. Yeah, it has been 5 years now, I sure do miss it—all of it!
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What a beautiful story! The unique details made me believe this was a true story, and seeing creative non-fiction just rang so true. There are always signs around us of passed loved ones if we stop looking and let them flow! Loved this, and thank you so much for sharing this special tribute to Becky. Superbly told. x
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Yes, it is a true story. There were quite a few signs that were going on with Becky's passing. I'm going to tell you one now that will blow your mind--I had just picked up her ashes from the mortuary. The urn was in the front seat beside me. It was a dreary Sept afternoon. I got into the traffic line at what is always a LONG traffic light. I was looking about the way one does when waiting at a long light. All of a sudden I noticed the little weathered Chevy Vega that was in front of me. It had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love dying and being dead". YES, I am not making this up-it really happened! When I got home I googled the phrase-and found out that it is a thing with people who are interested in vampires! There were bumper stickers for sale at the site I was reading. And I have to tell you that I had never seen such a sticker before or since that very day. The back story here is-----when Becky was in hospice she asked me if I wanted her to give me a sign when she got to the other side. I said yes of course. She said "Well, what should I do?" I said, "Well, I don't know I've always been pretty good with seeing things through dreams. But maybe you should just surprise me." And she said-OK--a surprise it is. So when I saw the bumper sticker, I turned to the urn beside me and said "Surprise!"
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That is bizarre AF!!! I truly believe it was a sign from her. How can one not think that? Haunting at the moment, I'm sure, but so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me. You are very special. x
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Hi you are in my critique circle this week:
I really liked the dark humor in the narrator worrying that Becky might die while she’s in the bathroom — and then that is exactly what happens. The sneezing fit makes the moment almost absurd, but the idea that Becky deliberately found a way to have the final say gives the ending both warmth and personality. Their relationship comes through very clearly in that last little twist.
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Hi Marjolein---yeah it was pretty absurd---this is a true story-about my sister's passing. I am not kidding about the sneezing-it was like someone stuck a pepper stick right up my nose! I didn't have a cold or allergies either! It was all very strange-and sorta mystical in a funny way.
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Oh wow — knowing this really happened changes the story completely for me. That must have been such a strange and emotional moment to live through. I’m sorry for the loss of your sister, and thank you for sharing something so personal.
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