With the Whole World Watching

“Personal Log: Sui-A932: Everyone is counting on me. That kind of pressure- I thought I could handle it. I haven’t been able to eat or drink properly in the past week. Something just makes me feel awful. I don’t know if the food is spoiled, or if my body is just tired of the mush.”

Jared chewed the tiny pieces of skin under his nailbed and watched the red light on the console flicker on and off. He knew it needed fixed, but he was exhausted- forty-eight hours of no sleep.

He was too afraid to sleep- it’s what got him into this mess in the first place.

The ship groaned in the background. “It's been months out here alone, and I don't know where I am. The ship reads Centurai-14, Sector 9, but it's not on any of my maps.” The blue-green galaxy passed like a slow river.

He tried not to linger too long. Every time he did, he just felt smaller and smaller.

“I haven’t been able to contact anyone the entire time. It’s just been me… alone. I had hope that I would make it back, but now I’m not so sure.” The ship groaned once again. “Alright, I fucking hear you,” he screamed over his shoulder to no one.

He turned back to the recorder. “Back home, I hated everything. Now, I wish I could hear another human voice. Isn’t it funny how that works?” He rubbed his temples. “I don't know, I'm rambling now- trying to find some sense of connection to my sanity.”

He lingered in silence for a time before stopping the recording.

He unbuckled the straps across his chest and lap. That weightless feeling- one he enjoyed for a time and now would do anything to get rid of- took over. He reached up and grabbed onto one of the climbing handles and began to crawl his way through the space shuttle. He really didn’t want to go out there again. Last time, he almost lost himself.

As he passed by his bedroom, he paused. The isolation pod looked welcoming. He barely had energy to make it this far- maybe he could wait until tomorrow to fix the grav-boost. If he didn’t sleep, he wasn’t going to have enough energy to try and fix the ship anyway.

Any excuse to just lay his head down and get a moment of rest.

The emergency lights flickered again, and he decided the fix could wait. If he went to sleep and it got worse, maybe he wouldn’t have to wake up. If nothing happened, then he’d be well rested- better able to focus.

Yeah, sleep was the right choice.

He slid into the room as the isolation pod hissed open. He struggled getting into it without gravity, but eventually managed. The lid slid over his face, and the silence enveloped him. He knew there was still chaos out there, but in here was a sanctuary.

The only thing able to plague him was his thoughts.

He touched the keypad next to his head, and a small hexagonal window opened. The room shimmered turquoise as he stared out into the vastness of Centurai-14. At least it was the color of home.

He wondered if they were looking for him, or if they had given up all hope. He wanted to believe someone was trying, but deep down, he knew - he was a grain of sand in an endless desert, and they would never find him.

His eyelids raised slowly- the turquoise had transformed to a seaweed green- and he scanned the window beside his bed. The colors of the galaxy changed before him, like a kaleidoscope. The green faded to an aquamarine, indigo, and a fantastic blue. Then suddenly, it began to darken. As the ship plummeted toward the center of the galaxy, the colors nearly vanished. The navy turned to a dark purple, and then an all-encompassing black.

The room descended into darkness, and he was left with one flickering lamp in the hall. Fear gripped the edges of his being. He tried to move, but realized he was frozen inside the isolation pod. Something wrenched at his heart- guilt and fear- and all he could do was watch.

Staring out the window, he could sense it- there was something out there, resting in the depths of space. Something ancient, older than the universe itself. It was calling to him- watching- constantly letting him know he was never going to escape.

His eyes grew wide as a dark outline- massive, even in the pitch black- came into view. It approached the window and wrapped itself around the ship. As the metal was wrenched apart, he was sucked into the endless pitch black.

The warning lights flashed, and Jared startled awake, nearly smacking his head against the window of the isolation pod- turquoise and a shiny white now coated the room. He punched a few numbers into the pad next to him, and the window closed.

He couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming.

The isolation pod hissed open, and he sat up, cringing at the screaming siren. The shadows were warped and twisted as the lights flickered on and off chaotically. He bumped around a bit- still feeling disconnected from his body- as he floated. The cool metal of the crawl handle reminded him he was indeed awake.

Climbing his way through the ship, he moved as fast as he could toward the cockpit. Nearly jumping into the captain’s chair, he scanned the panels, and his heart sank- the grav-boost had fractured, and a piece of it was lodged into the oxygen support.

He didn’t have much time.

He shut down everything and let the ship hover. Once all the power was diverted, he raced toward the airlock. The corridors seemed to grow longer as he moved, and the flickering lights twisted the darkness into odd shapes.

He struggled getting into the cumbersome spacesuit. It felt like a million eyes turned to him, and were now laughing as he struggled. The helmet dropped, and the hiss- along with a breath of static-flavored air- signaled he was locked in. As he stepped into the airlock, he felt something calling to him- that same feeling from his dream.

No, there was nothing out there. Just the vast emptiness of infinite space.

Somehow, that seemed worse.

He slid into the stars, holding the outside of the ship as he clipped on. He closed his eyes and took one deep breath, letting go of the side of the ship and giving himself some slack- a few yards was all he needed.

The line went tight, and the worst part was done.

He hung in space for a moment- always amazed at how inferior he truly was. He squinted his eyes, trying to focus. A little blue dot- almost disappearing into the tapestry of color- blinked back. It steadily grew, as if he were being pulled toward it. The sphere filled his viewfinder, the reflection of its beautiful waters casting a large blue glare across his helmet. A large swath of clouds crossed one side of the blue marble, while the other was coated in darkness.

He recognized the planet- Earth! He gasped and nearly cheered. He was home. No, wait, that made no sense. He was in the Centurai galaxy, not the Milkyway. All of a sudden, a giant comet- coma streaking green- appeared from within the turquoise galaxy. He could do nothing but watch as it approached.

It smashed into the dark side of the globe, and the whole planet shuddered. The crust rippled like a wave. Tiny explosions- all over as volcanoes erupted. Debris flew into the atmosphere, and a plume of dust, dirt, and fire climbed towards the heavens.

He didn’t realize he was screaming until he snapped awake, covered in sweat.

Captain Jared Monsanto sat up in his bed and looked around. The ship creaked and groaned around him, and the door to his bedroom slid open. Melly entered carrying a tray of breakfast- poached eggs and ham- and stopped in her tracks as she saw him.

“Everything okay, Captain?”

He barely glanced at her. “Everything is fine. Leave the tray, please.”

She nodded and placed his breakfast on a small end table. “You sure you don’t need to talk? It’s a big day, and I can only imagine the type of pressure you’re under.”

He was staring off into space, still processing his dream. They always happened like this- multilayered and confusing. No, it wasn’t confusing at all. He knew exactly what he was running from.

“Sir?”

He snapped out of it. “I appreciate it, Melly.”

“Yes, sir. We’re here for you. You have to know that. At least, I am.” She stepped closer to him, but froze as he flicked his eyes her way. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry. I just- I can’t imagine what you’ve got on your mind.”

Everyone always wanted to know what he was thinking. Could he trust her? No, if he told her, she’d never trust him again. “Thank you, Private. I am thankful you are part of the crew. You’ve always been a grounding presence.”

Melly looked disappointed at his professionalism. “Thank you, Captain.”

He stood, turning away from her. “Well, I'd better get ready for today.”

“They didn’t pick you for nothing.” She shuffled a bit, trying to find the right words. “The whole world is watching, and after this, you’ll be history. How does it make you feel?”

He thought about it- for the first time, truly thought about it. He’d been so focused on the mission, on the crew, he hadn’t really contemplated what came after.

The thought of it brought him misery.

They’d given him this mission as his last. The Department of War told him it was time and that he didn’t have a choice. He tried to convince himself it would be an honorable retirement: He’d accomplish the first space walk under the new United Earth, go on a press tour afterwards, be written into the history books, and disappear.

But the truth- he didn’t want it, and he wasn’t ready. He deserved a hero's death. A military death. Something, anything, other than dying alone- living the rest of his days, isolated, with nothing more than a legacy that everyone would eventually forget.

It was no way to live- or die.

“It makes me feel honored.” He went with the stoic answer. The one they all expected. “Now, if you don’t mind, I must get ready.”

Melly nodded and paused at the door. “It’s an honor to be a part of this as well, Captain.” She postured up and saluted before retreating.

He took his time, watching the darkness of space pass by, and trying to eat his breakfast. His dreams made it so much more beautiful. Up here, there was nothing- infinite darkness.

All eyes were on him.

The crew saluted as he passed. He thought about offering a smile or a handshake, but instead kept his head down. He tried to ignore the pounding of his heart against his ribs, but nothing would block out the sound.

He’d felt this before- during war, but something was different this time.

It felt more… definitive.

The helmet hissed into place- just like in his dreams. He sucked in a large breath of static air as Melly gave him a thumbs-up. He nodded inside the helmet and turned to the airlock. He could hear command in his ear- they wanted him to narrate and entertain the public- so he turned them off.

This was going to happen his way.

He clipped himself to the ship and walked out into empty space. The weightless feeling from his dream took over, and he lingered above the planet- one tiny speck amongst the darkness.

The giant blue sphere cast a comforting blue and turquoise reflection across his viewfinder as the com-light blinked red. White clouds covered a quarter of the globe- a distant flash of a thunderstorm somewhere within. The sun illuminated one side as the other laid in darkness. If everyone could see Earth from this point of view, they’d realize how truly inferior their problems were.

And then suddenly, it all became clear- a true epiphany. He was only one speck in the infinite universe. There was something greater out there, and he’d been avoiding it his entire life. This is where it was always leading.

With the whole world watching, he unclipped himself from the shuttle and drifted off into the void.