Chickens: Burning the World Down One House at a Time

“I remember now. I forgot to-”

You forgot to close the door, and a burning chicken ran into the house, and set your couch on fire. The flames spread, and soon your entire house was burning to the ground.

“What kind of story is that?”

Duh. It’s yours, silly. 

“No, it’s not.”

Of course it is. You said, “I forgot to-” and you were going to say, “I forgot to close the door, and a burning chicken ran int-"

“No, I was NOT going to say that. I was going to say, “I forgot to close the-”

The oven door, and you also forgot to turn off the oven, and a chicken got into your house, flew into the oven, and accidentally closed the oven door on itself. It caught on fire, and while it was flapping around in the oven, trying to get out, it knocked into the door and it opened, and so the burning chicken escaped and ran around your house, catching everything on fire.

“NO. That is not what happened. Now let me finish saying what I was going to say.”

Fine, fine. Go on then.

"I was saying, before you so kindly interrupted me, I forgot to close the front door. I turned around to go and close it, and my dog got out. She ran up to me and knocked the pudding a la flambé that I was taking over to the neighbor’s birthday party and-”

And when you dropped it, a chicken was running past you, and it fell on the chicken and the chicken caught on fire, and that’s when it ran into your house and caught everything on fire.

“It wasn't even a la flambé yet! Now shut up and let me tell you what happened. I dropped the pudding, which was not a la flambé yet, and I ran to catch my dog. I managed to get my dog back inside. When I brought her back in, I caught a whiff of smoke, and so I followed the smell. When I got to the kitchen doorway, I found that I was blocked by a wall of flames. I got my dog and ran outside, calling the fire department on the way.”

I knew it was the burning chicken.

“No. What is it with you and burning chickens?”

They’re the number one reason why houses burn down.

“Since when?”

Uhhh…. I can’t say.

“Mhmm, okay. Whatever. But it turns out that I had left my stove on, and somehow a notebook fell on the stove.”

Because the chicken knocked it onto the stove. And then the chicken caught on fire.

“No, no, NO. Now listen to the rest of my story. So the notebook caught on fire, and the flames spread. They spread quickly, too, so before I knew it, my house was in flames. And there you have it. That’s how my house burned down.”

What about the burning chi-

"THERE WERE NO BURNING CHICKENS! If you’re going to narrate my story, then you need to get it into your brain that no burning chickens were involved. Or else I’m finding a new narrator."

Okay, okay. Touché. 

"I just wanted you to know that there were no burning chickens. Wait, hold on a minute. I'm getting a call."

Who is it?

"It's a neighbor from down the street. She's saying... oh."

What? What is she saying? Go on, tell me. 

"Well... she's, uh, saying... um, she's telling me that there's, uh, a burning chicken setting her couch on fire....."