The weight of a halo

I'm tired. Resting my head on her chest I tried to memorize the cadence of her heart as if it were a song I would never hear again. I squeezed my eyes shut. I had to sleep. I needed my strength for today. She couldn't know; I must keep her happy and not be a burden. My family has already gone through enough.

I could feel the hours gently going by. I got out of bed doing my best not to wake her. My feet immediately felt like ice touching the floors. The room was dark, but I easily found my way out the door. His room was directly opposite ours, the short walk I'd done a thousand times. But as I crossed the threshold and scooped him up it became harder to strengthen my resolve. He felt heavier than usual; not with weight but with knowing that I would never get to hold him like this again. I kissed his forehead. In a few silent strides I settled him gently right beside her, careful not to wake either of them up. I stood there for a heartbeat held by the sight of them. The reality of time forced me to move. I didn’t look back if I did, I was afraid I might not do what I had to do.

The silence of the house followed me out into the night. All about me on the streets were bright torches that gave the stone cobbled streets an orange glow. In the sky above there was something far brighter than the torches and during the day seemed to be a younger sister to the sun itself. A jagged five-pointed luminous streak that was a central eye of whites and pinks with reddish oranges tails. People often pointed to it and proclaimed it a harbinger of peace after seeing it light up the sky as soon as the fight between us and them was over. If only they knew what it really signaled and what it was inviting right here to our gates. I sighed. They would never know.

I kept steady pace towards the jagged silhouette of the city gates. In a few hours the bells would ring and she wouldn’t find me. She won’t worry at first, probably think I left to work at the council early. I shook my head. I was doing this for her and for them. No one would or could do it. This was already discussed with the council yesterday. I couldn’t try to go back. The gates were barred; a heavy barrier between the safety of the walls and what was outside. I didn’t wait to ask permission from the guards, just slipped through the small postern door, the wood groaning as if to signal my departure.

I stepped out leaving the light of the city and looking over the barren wasteland of the horizon before me. That bright harbinger of doom was the only thing to keep me company. The wind picked up. He will be here soon. As the streak of light above started to give of more colorful tails of greens, yellows to add to its reddish orange tails of before. It suddenly seemed to pulse; getting bigger one moment and smaller the next. It looked like it was evening instead of a dark night. I hope she forgives me for leaving her like this.

Far in the horizon I could see him a small black dot beyond. He was here now, the harbinger above pulsed with a frantic light signaling his arrival. With the looming city walls shrinking behind me I ran forward leaving behind the comfort of her embrace, the city gates and the life I used to live.

A formless ink black being far leaner and taller than any man I’d ever seen was right in front of me. He had two white holes with black inky dots on his out of proportioned head to resemble eyes. Those eyes were cold, sparkling with amusement as he looked down on me. Within seconds he collapsed into detail: a sharp jawline, gold hair, the heavy thud of a boot and a smile that haunted my younger years.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” His smile grew wider than a normal human one. “Sending my son to finish their job.” He laughed. The laugh of someone who had long given himself to the ruling of that side. He was here to devour everything now. I finished him today and everyone lived.

I made the space right by hands quiver and bend as I wrenched that sword into existence. It was encrusted with two gems and an ancient inscription in a language spoken by few in these lands. It was a weapon built for a time like this, to help whoever wielded it. The silver light of the blade cast reflected on his face. He stopped laughing and just tilted his head.

“New trick. Same old failure” He took a step backward and took upon his form of before only now he was towering over me, the inky plasma he was made of formed two jagged horns on his head, his arms were too long and bent at the wrong angles. Those two white holes on his head looked like pools, all traces of black gone. He was one of them now. He wasn’t coming back.

The harbinger above began to pulse even quicker as he grew bigger. I had to end this now. Its arms whipped forward like a flash, the end hardening into a jagged like spear. I dove to the side letting it whiz past my ear. I took my sword and lunged at him, able to block the next attack it brought to me.

The sword hummed silently as the struggle between us ensued everything was blur of obsidian black and the steel of the book. It fought with a reckless heavy-handed style, reminded me of the tough years of the war in the battle with them but now it was me trying my best to stop him from bringing them back and the ensuing chaos in our world. It swung with the intent to cleave me in half, the plasma spears lengthening mid swing to catch me off guard.

I was fast but not enough. I took a shallow cut to the shoulder, then another to the thigh. Its black ink reached me. I was on a timer I was a fool for thinking it would relent, in a flash I said the words and the transformation happened quickly.

“You change and you can never go back! Let me deal with you in peace!”

I had sprouted long crystalline white wings and a golden ring over my head, my entire body burned with this new surge of power. The sword glowed even brighter with its light.

“Get away!” It screeched and lunged for me all inky tentacles reaching out but I wasn’t the man I was before. With one sweep of the sword, I evaporated the tentacles reaching for me. It moved quickly and violently did its best to get rid of me. I finally found an opening and stabbed it in the chest, the dark plasma evaporating around the sword.

“Lux in tenebris lucet et tenebrae eam non comprehenderunt.” *

Overwhelming bright light left me and poured into him shattering him from inside out. It gave one final distorted cry of something being unmade before it dissolved into grey dust. The harbinger burst into a million little pieces. If anyone were watching the night sky from the city, they would think it some star shower. It was finally over.

As the ring of light above burst into tiny shiny pieces the same happened for my wings, they cast off the light of the moon. I hit the dirt with a heavy hollow thud. Lying there I couldn’t feel anything just the warm sensation of her hands tucked into mine and my son’s soft fingers curling around my thumb. I wanted to call out and just hold them once more. Just once.

***

The sunlight hit my eyelids, warm and insistent. I lay there for just a second enjoying the quiet. Beside me I felt that wonderful weight, the tiny rhythmic huff of my son’s breath against my face. I reached out across the bed where the sheets were warm.

Empty. And cold.

Already at it, I thought with a fond smile. Even in retirement they couldn’t let him be. I suppose when you’re one of the city’s finest knights you never really get to hang up the sword for good. I could imagine him now probably sitting in some draft chamber advising the younger guards on patrol routes or discussing important things with the High Strategists.

He’d been so quiet lately, so focused. I figured he would tell me, but I will just have to ask when he gets back. He probably crept out of the house quietly like he didn’t live here. He was always so protective of our quiet mornings.

I sat up lifted my baby and kissed the top of his head.

“Your father is at work my dear, helping the city stay safe. He’ll be back by sunset, probably grumbling about how he prefers gardening to politics.”

I walked over to the window shifting my baby to my hip who was wide awake now, looking out toward the barren horizon. The sky was an unbroken, beautiful blue. I couldn’t see the harbinger, maybe it was on the other side of the house. Watching the city gates, I felt lucky, most wives of former knights spent their lives looking over their shoulders but he had given me a life of absolute peace he was probably inside one of those stone towers finishing up notes for the council.

I headed downstairs to start the day. I’d make something nice for dinner after a long day he always came home looking like he carried the world on his back. I just wanted him to know he could set it down here.

*The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome