The British man and the American woman

I am in love with my boss. It started when we shook hands on the first day of work. It also didn't hurt that the man in charge had a British accent. Before I met him, I'd obsessed over old Hollywood heart throbs like Errol Flynn, and Cary Grant. Meeting a genuine British man in the flesh made my insides turn to jelly. On the first day of work, I learned my boss's name was Alan. My new job was in advertising, and Alan told me we would be working closely together, to create a new campaign for a cologne company.

"That's wonderful!" I said, smiling.

"Yes," said my boss. "I suppose a new campaign for cologne could be exciting, for an American."

My happiness came to an abrupt end. "Have you got something against Americans?"

Alan sighed. "If you must know, Americans are too loud, and they constantly feel the need to share their feelings."

I narrowed my eyes. "At least we don't walk around with a stick up our butt."

Brian, one of my new co-workers, laughed.

Alan scowled. "Get back to work," he said. Brian began furiously typing on his laptop.

"You," said my boss, turning to me. "We've got to start thinking of ideas for the cologne campaign. Meet me in conference room 6A."

"Okay," I said, "but my name is Annie. Remember?"

Alan frowned, and I could see a deep furrow between his eyes. "Alright, Annie," he said. "Let's go."

I discovered I liked being told what to do. This was not good. "Okay," I said. "Lead the way."

Alan marched down the hallway, and anyone standing there quickly got out of his way. When we arrived at the correct conference room, he threw the keys on a table, and set up his laptop. "The new cologne is called 'Elan', he remarked. The ad company would like a new slogan. Any ideas?" He stared at me, and I began to blush.

"Are you well?" asked my boss.

I took in a deep breath. "Yes, the room is just a little too hot. I've got an idea, though."

"Let's hear it," said Alan.

I smiled. "For the sexy man, Elan."

Alan thought for a moment. "I like it," he said.

I wasn't expecting my angry boss to like anything I said. "Thank you," I said, smiling.

"Have you got any ideas for any celebrities who could say that line in a commercial?" he asked.

"How about Jude Law." I replied.

Alan frowned again. "You think Jude Law is sexy? He's losing his hair."

"If you have a better idea, I'd love to hear it," I said.

"Colin Firth," said Alan.

I laughed. "Colin Firth?"

"What?" said my boss.

"Colin Firth hasn't been sexy since 'Pride and Prejudice'," I replied. "Now, he plays 'the Dad' in everything."

"Did you just use air quotes?" said Alan.

I beamed. "Yes, I did."

At lunch, Alan insisted we go out to lunch together. "Do you like sushi?" he said.

"Yes, I love it," I answered. In reality, I had never had sushi because I was from a small town in Ohio.

At the sushi place, Alan opened the door for me.

"Thank you," I said.

"It's nothing," growled Alan. When the waiter approached, Alan ordered for both of us.

I sighed. "Why did you order for both of us?" I said.

"Honestly?" he said. "You don't look like the kind of person who knows what sushi is."

I took a gulp of water. "So you think I'm an idiot."

Alan took a deep breath. "I didn't say that, I just mean that you don't seem sophisticated."

"Wow," I said. "How does a sophisticated person seem to you? Is their nose stuck up? Do they consider themselves an expert on sushi?"

It was Alan's turn to blush. "Look, I'm sorry. You just look really naive."

"I look naive?" I exclaimed. "Tell me. How do I look innocent?"

Alan studied the table. "You have a cute face, like a baby's," he said. "I mean that as a compliment. Look," he continued, "can we have a truce?"

I snorted. "I can if you can."

"Let's shake on it," said Alan. "We shook hands, and a shock went through my body. I stared at my boss. His face was beet red.

Our sushi arrived, and I pretended to know what was in each dish. "Hey Alan," I said.

"Yes?" he replied.

"Do you want to see something gross?"

"No," he said.

"I stuck a small piece of eel on my tongue, and flicked it in and out of my mouth. La, la, la," I said.

"Why did you do that?" said Alan. "That's disgusting." However, he smiled.

"If I'm unsophisticated, I might as well act like it," I said.

"Touche," replied Alan. "Would you like some wasabi on your sushi? Make sure you use a lot."

I used a spoon to cover a piece of California roll with wasabi. As I was chewing, I felt as if my nose were breaking. "Ow!" I said. "You lied to me. I only needed a tiny bit of wasabi."

Alan began to laugh. "I knew you'd never had sushi, before," he said. After we finished our lunch, we walked back to our building, and rode the elevator to our floor. Alan looked at his phone. "We're late," he said. "It's all your fault."

"How is it all my fault?" I said. "We were both eating lunch and talking. I'd say we caused each other to be late."

"Hello Alan," said a female voice. "You're late."

"Hello Elaine," said Alan. "You're right, and it won't happen again." He glared at me.

Elaine looked at me. "Aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked.

"Annie, this is Elaine, my boss. Elaine, this is Annie, our new hire," replied Alan.

"Wonderful to meet you," said Elaine. "Good for you, for making Mr. Grumpy late. He works too hard." The rest of the day flew by. Brian, my new co-worker, invited me to after work drinks, with everyone from our floor.

Over a beer, I asked Brian, "What's up with Alan? Does he hate me, or something?"

My co-worker thought for a moment. "No, I don't think the boss hates you. He's just British. Do you want to play darts?"

"Why not?" I said. As we were beginning to play, Alan walked in the door.

"What are you doing here?" said Brian, smiling. "You never come to after work drinks."

"I'm trying to be more social," said Alan.

Brian snorted, and Alan gave him a glacial stare.

"I'll see you later," said Brian. "I'm pretty sure the boss wants to play darts with you." I'd like to play darts with him, I found myself thinking. Naked darts.

"You're late, Alan," I couldn't resist saying.

Alan grinned. "I think I'm right on time."

I smiled. "Suit yourself," he said.

"Would you like to play darts?" I asked.

"Yes, I would," said Alan. I learned that he was very good at darts, and I was terrible.

"Let's get a drink," he said.

"Okay," I said. At the bar, I ordered a pina colada, and Alan ordered a beer. I don't know why, but we began to talk politics.

"Reagan was a great president," I said.

"Reagan was a terrible president," said Alan.

I took a drink of my pina colada. "Why do you think he was a terrible president?

Alan drained his beer. "He and Margaret Thatcher were bosom buddies. In the north of England, where I'm from, we despise Thatcher for taking away a lot of jobs.

I shook my head. "I can see your point, but Reagan had nothing to do with England's job loss. Reagan was my president, and he gave great speeches. You should really read Peggy Noonan's book about her days writing speeches for Reagan. He sounds like a great guy."

"Reagan was a rapist," said my boss. All conversation in the bar stopped.

"Umm..." I said, "I think I'm gonna go."

"I'll go with you," said Alan.

I pursed my lips. "I don't want to go anywhere with you," I said. "You just called President Reagan a rapist."

"He was a rapist," said Alan. "Don't you read?"

"Yeah, but I just look at the pictures," I said. I exited the bar, and flagged down the nearest taxi. Alan followed me.

"If you don't believe what I said about Reagan, you can look it up," he said.

"Goodbye, Alan," I said.

The next morning, I got ready to go to work. Why did Alan have to be a jerk, especially around me? I'd also had a dream. Alan was in my bed, and we were doing unspeakable, wonderful things to each other. I decided to wear fishnet stockings, and a short skirt to work, just to see my boss's reaction. I knew I was declaring war, but I didn't care.

I rode the elevator, and almost collided with Alan in the hallway. He was studying my legs like there would be a test on them, later.

"Your skirt is too short," he said.

I drew myself up to my full height. "It's knee length," I said.

Elaine passed by. "Why are you ogling Annie's legs, Alan?" she said. "Get to work."

"I wasn't..." Alan began, and changed his mind. "Fishnet stockings," he muttered, as he walked away.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur. I was working late on the cologne ad, and almost lept into the air when Alan said: "Hi."

"Where did you come from?" I asked, with one hand on my rapidly beating heart.

"Hell, of course," said my boss. "I'm working late, too," he added. "Do you want take-out?"

I nodded 'yes'.

The Chinese take-out came, and we sat in the conference room, eating it.

"Can I ask you a question?" said Alan.

"You can," I replied.

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

I glanced at his blue eyes. "No," I said. I thought you hated me."

He smiled, sheepishly. "I don't hate you."

We stared at each other for a moment. Then, we began to kiss. Between kisses, I asked: "Is there a camera in here?"

"No," said Alan, "why"?

"I just don't want to get into trouble."

Alan smiled. "We won't get into any trouble. Just the good kind."

I grinned. "What's the good kind of trouble?"

"Let me show you," said my boss.

We cleared everything off of the conference table.

Alan showed me exactly what the good kind of trouble was.

In return, I hugged him tightly as he put himself inside me.

After we both came, we decided to go to my apartment. When we were in my bedroom, I said: "I think we can do better than last time, don't you?"

Alan grinned. "I don't know," he said, "but let's try."

After multiple times, we agreed we had almost reached perfection. When we were both exhausted, we fell asleep. Early the next morning, we agreed all of our goals had been reached.

"Were this a work performance evaluation," said Alan, "I would give you a score of 'proficient' in all areas."

"We finally agree on something," I remarked. I would also give you a score of 'proficient' in each area."

"But, what will we fight about, now?" said Alan.

As I pulled him close, I whispered, "I'm sure we can think of something."