Laura

It was bucketing down outside the line dancing event as Lorna sucked on a Regal King Size. She was a 39-year-old single mum pining for something, anything beyond her humdrum existence running after a feral kid while working on the tills at Tesco when Derek emerged from the venue. He was a decent looking bloke, maybe a bit bloated and balding but he had a friendly aura. He lit a cigarette and paused before breaking the heavy silence.

"Like being in Nashville," he said. She cackled although she didn't get the joke. She assumed it was a joke because of the delivery.

"Totally", she replied. " I'm Lorna".

"Derek", he said, smiling. His teeth were yellowing but almost presentable.

Lorna's mind was racing. She was getting ahead of herself, wondering if he used condoms, ate too much salt and thought farting out loud was funny. She played it cool, pretended she was Marilyn Monroe and just moved her head about, smiling, trying to look sensual.

"I'm going back inside," Derek said.

"I'm going back... I'm doing that too," Lorna replied, awkwardly.

Lorna counted to 10 before following Derek back inside the club. She thought five was desperate and 15 arrogant so settled on 10.

Once inside, she joined her pal Moira. "I met someone," she exclaimed, excitedly.

"The bouncer?" Moira asked, sardonically.

"Seriously this guy is amazing. He's got Richard Madeley's hair. Looks like marriage material."

"Is he homeless?".

"What the fuck?". Lorna was annoyed by the question. "Probably not. He's wearing a turtleneck sweater."

Something caught Lorna's eye. Somebody was gesticulating wildly. She prepared a glare before realising it was Derek. He looked absurd, like a wild-eyed dinner lady, but she was thrilled to be noticed. She touched Moira's knee as an apology and then darted over to meet Derek and his friends. Although she was anti-social, she had drank six and a half vodkas so was free to pretend she was charismatic.

"Meet the lovely Laura," Derek declared loudly. Before she could correct the name error, she was greeted by a swarm of randoms saying "Oh Laura, nice to meet you, I love how you embrace ageing!".

Given that she'd probably never meet these people again, Lorna decided to embrace the name "Laura" for a couple of hours.

She returned to Moira and pretended to be interested in a conversation about the best ways ti combat soiled underwear.

The next morning Lonra woke up to a text from Derek. "So nice to meet you Laura! Would you be up for going for a drink?". She most certainly was but decided to wait until a few minutes after midday to respond, just to create a bit of uncertainly and not appear too eager.

She wanted to tell Derek she was actually called Lorna but decided to wait until they met in person to explain the misunderstanding.

When he suggested they meet at The Cock, she was quite perturbed. 'Why The Cock?', she wondered. She thought the Fox and Hound would be a better place to meet. A pub without sexual connotations.

They agreed to meet on the Thursday as Thursdays are not the weekend but almost the weekend. Thursdays are "I'm going about my business" while Friday and Saturday is "This is how I want to live my life", and a date on Friday or Saturday is acknowledging that you are in a place of despair.

Lorna had several days to puzzle over what to wear at Thursday at The Cock. She hopes they won't have sex as she doesn't like it but wears nice underwear just in case. She considers wearing a Wonderbra but feels uneasy with the concept of 'overpromise, underdeliver'.

Thursday came along and went with a bang. Literally. They had sex in a back alley. Abrasive but consensual. The waft of the bins as he came was nauseating but overall the experience was verging on ok.

"Are you on the pill or are you...?. Derek asked.

"Too old to conceive? You have nothing to worry about.", Lorna said. "Cheeky cunt", she thought.

Lorna had fucked this guy. She was pleased. It allowed her to add him to her history of guys she'd fucked. It was a pretty dreadful list and she was keen to make it look more presentable before she was too old to fuck.

Despite her protestations, Lorna's brain decided to lament her ugly backstreet romp every few minutes. To her great relief, she received a text from Derek suggesting another date. Lorna's mother was a moralistic, religious lecturer - lecturer in the sense of telling people off rather than standing in front of a blackboard - and a second date made Lorna feel less of a dirty stop-out, as her mum would describe her.

The second date was at Bicci's. To prepare, Lorna asked her colleague for advice, and Beth was happy to oblige. "Pineapple on pizza is a big no-no," Beth insisted. "Parmesan smells like old feet but it's uncultured to say no. Spaghetti is easier to eat with a fork and spoon."

To Lorna's surprise, Derek was a friend of the restaurant's owner, which meant we got the table that didn't shoogle.

Before Lorna could explain that her name is actualy Lorna, Derek made a big thing of introducing me to the staff - he had worked there previously. I decided just to stick with the new moniker for the time being.

We didn't have sex after the first date. There was an attempt in his car but he lost the mood.

Regardless of erectile dysfunction, things were going well. He ate with his mouth full, refused to eat spinach and drank non-alcohol beer but overall he was a tolerable man.

I knew he was going to suggest getting in a serious relationship. He was mute half the time. Obviously he would want to get serious with me. I've three-quarters of a personality. I've caviar to this cunt.

When he asked to marry me, I was gobsmacked. We barely knew each other. I said yes. I wanted to sleep on it but we'd just eaten a delicious steak and I didn't want to ruin the mood. I assumed there would be a moment in the future to politely refuse, but that moment never arrived.

Marriage was fine but it was now far too late to say my name was Lorna without looking like a fool so I set about changing my name

Lorna convnLaura. I created a new email and Facebook. The Deed Poll Department were happy to make the change for a fee. I just had to alienate a bunch of people. My hope was that anyway shouting 'Lorna' is the street could easily be misconstrued as Laura.

She changed my name officially. On the day, she received the confirmation by mail, Derek died in his sleep.